Losing what I wanted finding what I needed

The last time I felt confident that I knew the direction my life was headed, I was 23 years old. I was at my ideal weight, happily married (or so I thought—it definitely gets better with time), ready to start teaching, and wanting to change the lives of students in the Christian school at which I had almost missed my wedding rehearsal to interview for (that’s another blog post for another time). I enjoyed everything about teaching and coaching. I worked ridiculously long hours and invested everything I had into the job and the kids. I felt like I was doing exactly what I had been called to do. 

Four years in, we decided we were ready for kids. I thought I was ready until the pregnancy test read positive. I will never forget crying like a baby in total shock and absolute fear. I wasn’t sad or upset, just terrified about the whole experience—from labor and delivery to being a mother. (Plus, everyone kept telling me it would take months. I thought I would have time to prepare myself for this.) Once the shock wore off, I was fine and along came TJ. It was a hard decision, but I decided to leave full-time teaching. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but hoped God would provide. 

Two months in, I started feeling claustrophobic. I was nursing exclusively and I felt overwhelmed—like I never did anything but change diapers and nurse a baby. When TJ was three months, I went back to working at a school part-time. I enjoyed it and ended up back in the classroom where I thought I wanted to be. I didn’t coach during my part-time experience and I missed it so bad it literally hurt. Then we found out Reilly was on the way. At that point, my grandparents were taking care of TJ while I was at work, and I knew I couldn’t ask them to keep a toddler and a baby while I went back to work. After Reilly was born, we made the decision for me to be at home full-time. 

To be honest, I was scared to death. The old feelings of claustrophobia returned, except now, I was not only nursing a baby, I was trying to raise a toddler. So many questions and fears popped into my head. How were we going to make it financially without a second income? How will I keep my sanity? Will I lose myself? I had lost basketball, was God going to take teaching away from me now too? Who was I if I wasn’t a teacher or a coach? 

I didn’t have answers for any of these questions, but just plowed on ahead. I felt like at some point, God would have to provide. Not too long after leaving my job, Leapforce (a legit work from home opportunity) became my way to contribute to our income. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but it brought in what we needed to survive and I was okay with that. I remember thinking, “Okay God, you put this job in my lap so that takes care of one of my questions, but I don’t want to do this forever. I am not passionate about this.” I kind of felt like I was losing everything I had worked so hard for in college.

And then, it happened. Anthony bought me a camera for Christmas (wayyyy too much money to spend on me for sure, but had he not, I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing today). I started taking pictures of the kids. I loved it—they thought I was nuts. I brought the camera with me all the time. After a while, friends started asking me to bring my camera to birthday parties or to photograph their kids. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into at the time. 

I found myself building a small business, doing a part-time job, and homeschooling one child. The stress was incredible. Once again, I found myself asking God—“What in the world am I doing?” I second guessed myself at every turn. I looked around at other photographers and wondered why anyone came to me for the experience. I saw only my deficiencies as a teacher to an elementary student (there was a reason I had decided to teach high school). My regular job evaluations left me wondering why in the world I even bothered to keep it up. In other words, I felt lacking at every turn. I didn’t understand where I was in life and where it was headed. 

Flash forward to December 2015. My husband sat me down and told me he thought it was time I stepped out on faith and left Leapforce to pursue photography. I shared with him some of my fears. What if I let go of that paycheck I could count on and no one hired me? What if people decided I wasn’t worth it? He didn’t flinch. He told me he felt like it was time. Here I was again, in front of God, but with a different question. Why didn’t I feel peace about this the way Anthony did? Why didn’t I feel like I knew what direction my life was taking? After talking to other family members about my situation, I made the decision to quit Leapforce. It was extremely difficult. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am crazy about financial stability. 

It was in the months to come that God revealed to me that Anthony had helped me make the right decision (one day I will write about my growth in allowing Anthony to help me). The stress of three jobs was really more than I thought, and even though I added another child to the homeschool craziness, other things fell into place. My God showed me throughout last year that even though I may not be sure of the path, He always knows where I am going. When my confidence in myself fails, He is there to remind me that I am His child and He cares about the direction of my life. 

I have slowly come to terms with not knowing where my life is headed. It has become an adventure to me to see what will be behind the next bend in the road. I have stopped looking at not being in the classroom or getting to coach as “losses.” I still get to teach, just in a difference capacity. I get to see the results of all the long hours of coaching as I interact with former players through photography. (It is amazing to photograph so many of their growing families!) God didn’t take those things away from me. He just had something else for me to do. Who knows? He might pull me back into the classroom or onto the basketball court one day. For right now, I am learning to enjoy the journey no matter where it might lead.

Do you even blog, bro? (Please don't call it that.)

Jen and I have been discussing for quite a while the idea of doing a shared blog. We often chat (no probably more like sometimes) about different topics that we feel like we could share to help others. Or at least help them not feel so abnormal. I'm reading a book right now called Start by Jon Acuff. My mom gave it to me. It talks about, well, starting stuff. (This is where T.J gets his writing style from. Hey, some people like this kind of format. My bad.) Jen encouraged me that it was time to make this happen. And I'm always right. And I didn't need a book to tell me to start.

For those who don't know us, we are a family of five, four boys and a girl. Don't forget the two boy dogs. We currently homeschool all three of our kids but plan on sending two to school in the fall. I am a photographer serving Northeast Georgia. And you are... Oh. I am a Registrar at Piedmont College. Everyone knows what that is. Yeah. Right. I'm sure they do.

As we mentioned earlier, we really want this to be about encouraging others who may face similar challenges or feel like their lives are out of the ordinary. Well, we want to help people find happiness in the havoc, because that's what we're trying to do. We want people to know it's okay to be happy and crazy. I had some really great blog titles that got shot down. This one is good though.

My brother and sister-in-law (hi J.R. and Kayla) made fun of us for talking about pink and blue ears. It's from a book. What's it called again? Was it Cracking the Communication Code? It was back when were trying to better our relationship, before we figured out we just need to not read books. At least about marriage. But we figured we should write in code so people would know who was speaking and writing the blog (and to also irritate J.R. and Kayla).

Some posts will be a joint effort, such as this introductory one. Others will be posts that I or Jen write individually. Mine will always be more interesting and funny. I will always let Jen read mine before they are posted. She already read one I'm going to post and said it wasn't a blog but a book. Okay, maybe a short story.

There are already some posts available for your reading enjoyment. We consolidated our individual blogs, or really just re-posted everything. What we hope...(Reilly from the other room: I'm gonna kill you! Stop saying you're going to kill your brother.)...is that we can be honest in what we write. Our lives aren't perfect. We're not perfect as individuals, and when you put five imperfect individuals together, that's perfect imperfection. You like to say the words individuals and perfect. Why would you say that six times? She just proved my point. 

Is that all? You can catch our 365 project on Instagram @straightforwardmom. We will write, but we will also probably do some video blogs (that's called a vlog in case you aren't a nerd) or Facebook Live interactive sessions. If you have any topics you want us to chat about, let us know. I am full of useless information, especially about smartphones and Dave Ramsey. 

Cars and Counsel

I drive an antique vehicle. It’s a 2002 Ford Mustang V6. Well, it’s not an antique by the official definition, but it is a classic by most definitions. It is 15 years old this year, and if I could get an antique plate on it I would.

Jen and I purchased it a few months after we were married in 2003. She was going to drive back and forth to Gainesville to work everyday, so we needed something reliable. That, and she always wanted a Mustang of her own (It really was and is hers. She would still drive it if she could, but we can’t really tote all her photo props and equipment and three rowdy boys in that car, so I drive it to work. But she did let me pick the color, which is that really cool Tampa Bay Buccaneers pewter color. Officially it’s “mineral gray.”).

We got a good deal on it I think. We told them $14k out the door, taxes, tag and all. So the purchase price was about $12,700. We paid nothing down and our payments were something like $280 a month for 5 years. I really can’t remember now. (On a side note, I said to Jen tonight that we have bought two vehicles and a house and paid nothing down on anything. That’s probably not a good thing.) We paid it off, a while back of course, and it has been a terrific vehicle.

In the last several years it started acting up a bit. A couple of years ago I took it to a local mechanic who my brother-in-law recommended as having done well for him. The folks there fixed it right up and called me to let me know it was done. I went to pick it up, paid about $450 for the parts and labor, and proceeded to drive away. But, wait. It’s still not fixed, I said to myself. So I turned around and let the boss man know. He said it was better, but sometimes when you fix one part you realize there are other issues as well. They told me the catalytic converter was clogged and that they don’t work on exhaust. I thought, what difference does that make because you’re not touching my car again.

So after having spent that kind of money to get the thing running smoothly with no success (Thanks a lot for the recommendation, Greg. No worries, though. He won’t be reading this.) I decided to do nothing for a while. After another year or so it was bad enough to the point that I figured something needed to be done. So I Googled “exhaust repair habersham county.” I chose the first one that popped up, Chip’s Service and Exhaust Center, and gave them a ring. The long and short of it is that Chip and his crew repaired something, asked me to come drive it, I did, and then I told them it was better but not fixed. So they repaired something else that I think they had never heard of (camshaft synchronizer?) and all was well! It was a beautiful thing to cruise around in the ‘Stang again at full strength.

I don’t remember when that was. It was last year sometime. I remember it was over $500 for the repair. So we had invested over $1,000 in this thing by now. Fast forward to last week. I was driving home from work, and the engine started shaking so bad that I thought it was going to fall out. I took it to Chip’s today. The verdict? $582. Maybe that’s not a lot to you guys, maybe it’s just a month’s car payment or something. For me, that’s insane. I’m supposed to pick it up tomorrow.

That was a quite lengthy story. It really was just the backstory. Are you ready for the real story? Do you need to take a break and get a drink of water, or stretch your legs maybe? It really stinks driving old vehicles sometimes. Our other vehicle is a 2006 Honda Pilot that we bought used in 2009. We love it. It fits us perfectly and does everything we want it to. It’s been a great car as well. It also has 197,000 miles on it, and it burns oil. John (that’s my father-in-law), if you happen to be reading this on your iPhone 4, don’t worry, I check the oil frequently.

The problem is that over five years ago when we overdrafted our checking account and had nothing in savings (did you catch that...nothing), we decided we were making a change with our finances. We agree with Dave Ramsey. Debt is dumb. Cash is king. Borrower is slave to the lender. So I really, really, kind of a lot, do not want to have another car payment.

Full disclosure? I’m jealous. I see all you people driving those fancy SUVs around. I want one of those. Or maybe a truck like my friend Kyle’s. It’s a nice, gray Ford F-150 with a crew cab or something. (Kyle, the new wheels add a nice touch, too.) So, yes, I want one of those vehicles. But…     But, what I don’t want is one of those $500 or $600 payments for 5 or 6 years. Not only do I not want it, but we can’t afford it.

The reality that we have set a goal, or made a determination that by May we will have to purchase another vehicle. I suppose it’s a pipe dream to think we could ever pay cash for what we need. So herein lies the struggle. We planned to run as far from debt as possible. And now the reality seems to indicate that payments are headed our way. This is at the same time that we will be sending Jase to private pre-school and TJ to a private 5th grade next fall. Yep, we could not do those things, but our priorities and convictions lead us to those decisions. (Did I mention we’re going to Disney soon? I can’t remember if I did. We’re going to Disney soon. Just thought I’d throw that in there. I know it seems a bit odd to be complaining about the car payment when we’re headed to Disney, but we have our reasons.)

So, I’m crossing my fingers that the $582 fixes the Mustang for now. Jen has worked really hard to build her business, and that income has been a blessing for us. We will, when we purchase, at the very least have a large down payment, and we will get a good deal as we search patiently. We will also keep both of the old vehicles. One of our goals has always been to own three vehicles so we can loan to those who are in need. We hopefully won’t borrow for 5.5 years like we did with the Pilot. In fact, I hope we can pay it off within 1-2 years, whatever we purchase.

The moral of the story is this: we all have struggles with things that are in conflict, ideas that cannot coexist. We don’t want debt, but we might have to use it. I think God would prefer we don’t borrow. He warned against it in His Word, not because it’s a sin, but because it’s not likely a blessing for us.

This morning before work I noticed that I had posted the following on my Facebook page four years ago:

Listen to the right one…

There are many devices in man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand. Proverbs 19:21

That’s really what I want; it’s what we need. I have my own thoughts and plans and ideas and things I want to do and not do, and so do you. But what I need is the counsel of the Lord. That, my friends, that shall stand.

It's the little things that make life big

This July will mark 15 years since the day that changed my life forever. I had no idea at the time it was happening, but it was one of those moments where I look back and realize it was another time where God was moving and I was just not paying attention. 

You see, I have been experiencing little mile markers from God that include little directions signs that I often miss at the time or completely ignored--on purpose. I often tell people it all started at a wedding, when in reality, it started way before that. Looking back now, it's easy to see it started the moment I chose to play basketball in third grade. Had I chose to play another sport or the school offered another option, I wouldn't be where I am today (just another reason to be thankful for a small Christian school education...I didn't have an option).  Well, maybe it's not that easy.  I can even back up far enough and say it all started when my parents decided to move to Georgia. While living in Florida, I liked sports, but played more kicking a soccer ball around than basketball. This story begins even earlier than I originally thought! So I guess you can say it all started with my parents' decision to make this huge move. 

Skipping ahead, a lot of things could have kicked me off that basketball path. I didn't really get into basketball for myself until about 5th grade. I enjoyed other activities but nothing made me happier than spending hours in a gym that had a really crappy concrete floor, no air in the summer, and little heat in the winter.  I remember my 6th grade year just diving in and playing on as many teams as I could. I was addicted. 

This addiction led me to drop a lot of the other activities I thought I enjoyed--music being the one I loved the most and stuck with most of my elementary years. It was ok because hitting a shot in a game got my blood flowing more than hitting a high note anywhere else. The addiction grew into a fiery passion that caused me to do other things just to keep playing or to make me better.  I picked up volleyball in the fall to get in shape for it. I worked hard in school to stay eligible. I went to summer camps for exposure and teaching. I wanted to play for as long as I could. 

In 11th grade, I was at our school's basketball summer camp joking around with my BFF at the time (you know who you are and you still tootie my whistle), when a strange girl walked in. I have to admit, at first I was pumped to have a new girl on the team. We were going to be pretty good this year and I was thrilled to add more! She pretty much ignored all of us and went straight to the coach. In my head I thought, "Great! She's as cocky as I am. We are going to hate playing on the same team." I probably said that to my old BFF out loud too as my filter in those days was not as good as it has become now (that was a sarcastic point for those of you who know me well).  Little did we know she was the new assistant coach and I had no idea how much I would grow to respect and love her.  

She ended up mentoring me at time when I needed it most. I had come off a very hard sophomore year where I had been put through the ringer in so many ways. I had even lost someone as a mentor that I felt would be there till

I graduated. I had no idea that was God working. I felt more like I was being punished, but it was another of those signs that I chose to ignore. This new assistant coach pushed me hard. She also became someone I could confide in and who helped me focus on basketball beyond where I was.  

The summer before my senior year she was poached. This jerk (and I can lovingly say this now since he is my brother-in-law) convinced her that life in Florida was awesome and that she had this opportunity to do something else. I was pretty devastated. But she promised to keep tabs on me and thankfully she kept her word. She could have easily forgotten about some random student whom she had only known for a year. I mean, in all honesty, she had a new life ahead of her!!  She kept her word. It was during one of these times that she caught up with me that she mentioned him for the first time. I now distinctly remember her telling me, "I have the perfect guy for you to date, but he's too far away. You would really like him though."  At the time, I didn't care. I was busy focusing on college and getting prepared to continue my dream. I didn't even remember this conversation until she and I discussed it years later. 

I chose to go to PC, turning down one of my favorite colleges because It was going to be absolutely free. Money spoke to me I guess (or at least God knew it would). Today I think, what if I had made a different decision? What if I had gone to this other school instead? I didn't think twice about my decision at that time and forged through my freshman year of college.  I experienced a few set backs--getting mono from drinking after a cheerleader near the end of the season being one (and yes I still love you Area despite that). I was super disappointed with a lot that had gone on and realized that in order to really focus on basketball again, I needed to refocus. In May of 1999, I told God I was done with distractions--especially of the male variety--and I was ready to give my focus to basketball. 

This was after I had already agreed to be in my old assistant coach's wedding in Florida. I wasn't thrilled to be getting a dress, but the promise of the beach while I was there helped motivate me. Looking back, so many things could have kept me from going. Why did she even choose me to participate? We had known each other just a few years and I was younger! I had no obligations to fulfill that summer. It was probably one of the slowest summers I have ever had, so I was free. My job was pretty flexible. They were willing to let me go a whole week even though I was only working a few months. So I said yes to the bridesmaid dress. 

I was told before I arrived that there was a guy there that would be attending PC in the fall and that his mom would really like me to talk to him about what it was like, how I liked it, etc. I think I even talked to her on the phone before we arrived to confirm all this. She was nice but still nothing out of the ordinary stuck out. 

I remember looking through the crowd when we arrived to figure out who this guy was and what I would be faced with when I finally had to have this conversation.  I have to admit, there were several great looking young men at this wedding and my decision from two months before started to waiver just a bit. Miss Assistant Coach would not give me a hint and the wedding went off as planned. At the reception, I was finally introduced to the new guy and we stood against a wall and talked for awhile....ok I talked for awhile and he mainly just stood there. 

Of all the guys at this reception, I got to have a conversation with the mute one-yay. Needless to say, I was ready for the beach and my resolve from May (I thought) was still in tact. Looking back, I see how kind he was to let me blabber on and just listen to me instead of dominating the conversation like most guys would do.  But of course, at the time, I didn't see it that way. Just another little road sign I ignored. 

It wasn't love at first site. I didn't feel chills or tingles or hear angels singing above. I didn't see a bright light and hear God say "This is it Jennifer....this is the one."  I never realized (nor did I slow down to consider) that all the signs were pointing right at him. So many things could have changed the outcome of our situation--me choosing another school, my assistant coach choosing to stay, choosing music over sports.  His choices could have done the same. Through all this chaos, God created paths to that moment. Just a loud girl talking to a quiet guy in a corner of a church fellowship hall.  

That moment now means more to me than anything because it was the springboard for me to be friendly to him later on when he arrived at PC. It prompted me to be his friend and introduce him to my friends so that he didn't feel so alone while he was so far from home. 

Here on our 11th wedding anniversary, I look back and am thankful for those small road signs. I see how God moved in my life to bring me to this day where I am married to a wonderful (not as quiet), handsome, hard working man, who has given me two beautiful, amazing sons. And now, he is sleeping peacefully beside me as I am completely overdue with our third wonderful, stubborn little boy. It makes me thankful for the hard times, those times of pruning and growth that I felt were so hard and unbearable. I am utterly in awe that God kept directing my path even when I was so focused on other things and not asking for His guidance.   

This road has not been easy. We have had a lot of ups and downs. Yet every moment has been created by God. I still have moments where I feel pruning or when hard times hit, but I know I am being directed--that there is a plan. 

Thank you Anthony for being open to His paths and plans. Thank you for putting up with that boring conversation. Thank you for taking me back to that exact spot last year to remind me how powerful the God we serve is. Seeing that place after so many years filled me with a sense of wonder, peace and joy that you could never imagine. 

Thank you for helping me raise these fantastic boys who make us laugh and are exactly like us. Thank you for telling me I am pretty when I feel nothing but pretty huge and tired. Thank you for not giving in to all this world has to offer and being the man our children can look up to and emulate. Thank you for simply loving me for the loud, obnoxious, moody woman that I am.  I know thank you can't cover how grateful I am but I hope that this short blog to the world makes you feel appreciated, loved, and respected. I love you! 

It. Was. Lightning.

The Bible study with the kids tonight was about worry.  It referenced the passage of scripture in Matthew 6 about worrying doing you no good.  Reilly didn't make it all the way through, but he did do a great job singing the first 10 books of the Bible and reciting a couple of his memory verses.

After we were finished with the reading portion, my wife asked T.J. (he's 6) if he worries.  Of course we as parents know everything about him, so we know that he gets scared and worries about certain things.  So after her question, he answers, "No."  "You're kidding, right?" says his mom.  "Well, not really," he says.  My wife points out, "You do too worry about things.  You were scared the other night about the storm."  

His reply...

It. Was. Lightning.

Well, he has a point, doesn't he?  Lightning is cause for concern.  You don't think lighting is reason to worry?  Okay, I don't either, but check this out.  Scary stuff for sure.

In any event, I kind of chuckled, first that he had said he doesn't worry, and second because it was funny how he said "It. Was. Lightning." as if it was stupid to even suggest that one would not worry about lightning.

(Tangent: I can hear Reilly [he's 3] say right now, "You just typed a bad word, Daddy."  My wife always gets in trouble by Reilly for saying stupid.)

Then I realized, we as adults do the exact same thing.  We may see something someone else worries about and think it's silly.  However, when we worry about something, we without hesitation defend the legitimacy of that worry.  We can most certainly rationalize it, and we think others are crazy to not worry about that same thing.

I worry about things, even though I like to say I don't.  I sort of believe that we should tithe 10% of our gross income to the local church; I worry because every month if my family does that we won't have enough money to pay the bills and eat food.  I really want to do something special with my life; I worry that I'm going to go through life being comfortable and too safe with my choices and miss what I'm supposed to do. I really want to lead my family and make good decisions for us; I worry that I won't be the husband and father I'm supposed to be or maybe make a decision that ruins the future of our children (boy #3 is due in May, by the way).

I really could go on.  My worries might seem silly to you.  But you know you've got your own.

I guess it's a process.  As a Christian, I'm quite sure that God knows we won't have the faith to elude worry in every situation.  I think that's why He reminds us so frequently in His Word.  But circumstances don't change who He is.

I grew up playing basketball, and, like Michael Jordan, I always wanted to be taller.  (He wanted to be 7 feet tall. VIDEO)  I never figured how to stretch my frame, but I do know one thing that won't help me to grow taller...

Matthew 6:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 
27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

Fear and Making Mistakes--A Look Back

The passing of another year and the coming of a new one.  I always seem eager to blog again when I get to December and realize I haven't written anything in months.  It's probably typical of most and even more so of mothers, now that I sit down and really think about my response. 

It's so easy to sit down at the end of anything and weigh your positives and negatives.  I don't know about you, but I often find myself focused on the negatives--even if there are more positives represented.  I see all my screw-ups, faults, failures and sin.  Hidden in the background are all the triumphs, joy, excitement, and moments of pure grace.  Today it hit my while ready a blog of dear friend Nancy, that there is one thing that causes the negatives to rise to the top--FEAR.  It is a tool that is so often used against us in many situations, but why would it show up when we are trying to see both sides? It's the perfect time for fear to step in.  I can just see it saying, "Look at what you screwed up last year! You are going to make the same mistakes and you will never learn.  You are just not good enough.  You never will be good enough."  In my mind I see my husband, my kids, my parents, my pastor, my friends, my customers, my past students looking at me with sad eyes and shaking their heads.  Thank you fear, but I have had enough of being afraid of seeing the good.  And guess what, you are right!  I'll never be good enough--I don't have to be.  I have someone who is good enough for me.  I want to be able to overlook all the bad and see beyond it to all the good the year held.  We had some pretty big moments and victories including the salvation and baptism of TJ, Reilly starting school and loving it, the announcement of the birth of our baby, and so much more. 

Every day we have choices.  We can allow fear to continue to blind us from what really matters or we can allow God to squash it before it starts.  We can keep striving to be "good enough" or we can opt for allowing Jesus to be "good enough."  We can see the joy, love, and truth of every day or we can focus on the fear, pain, and trials. 

This year, I am focusing on a quote I found recently.  It states,
          "I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.  Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

           So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

           Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

           Make your mistakes, next year and forever.
This reminds me that it is okay to make mistakes.  It means that I am going out, pushing the envelope, learning. It reminds me not to be afraid--of mistakes, of trying, of change, etc.  I hope you will hold onto this quote and post it somewhere.  Don't let fear rule 2014 or any year for you.  Each day wake up and let God squash it and go to sleep thinking about all the wonderful things the day held (even on a bad day there are good things to take away). I want to leave you with a song to go with it!

   

This one's about me

I've been pretty selfish over the course of my life.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.  Even the title of this post is about me.  Examining or taking an inventory of my own thoughts can reveal a lot about who I am and the condition of my heart.  My thoughts and intentions have often been focused on what I can do to make myself feel better, or impress others, or deflect criticism and blame.  I know there are times that are worse than others.  The trouble is that it's difficult for me to see while it's taking place.  When I'm worried so much about myself, for whatever reason I don't realize it.  Sometimes it takes someone else to call me out on it.

It's certainly not that I want to worry only about myself.  I think I even do things for others that could appear to be unselfish to someone else but are really in some way designed to benefit me.  And I probably even feel like I'm thinking of others in those actions.  For some reason I can't help it.  I suppose it's part of human nature.  Having said that, I'm pretty sure God wants me to let Him worry about me.  I'm pretty sure He wants me to be focused outward, on others.

Here's a few reasons...

When I think about others and not so much about myself, it makes my life a lot more enjoyable.  When I focus on me, and think about me, and dwell on my situation, it tends to cause me to sulk and feel sorry for me.  When I think about others it causes me to share in their joys and stand with them in their sorrows.  Even in sorrows, there's much more peace in supporting others.

When I think about myself, I am most likely missing an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.  God puts me in places, in my job, in my church, at the grocery store, to minister to and bless others.  Dwelling on my state of affairs totally blinds me to the opportunities to help others and show them God's love.  Shame on me for this.  Someone around me may not receive something good that Almighty God has for them because of my selfishness.

This last one is the worst.  When I am focused on me and not others, there's a really good chance that I'm robbing someone else of their joy.  Something good happens for a friend, and I worry about how it's going to affect me.  Or I think about how crummy a situation I might be in at the time and wonder why they have good things happening to them that aren't happening to me.  It's a common occurrence, and despite my efforts on the outside to appear happy for them, I'm sure they can sense that my sentiments aren't from the heart.  God wants me to focus on others so, again, I can share in their joys and successes.  Life's a lot better for me that way.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to say I think it's an every day battle.  It's probably a lack of faith in God, too.  I'm supposed to trust Him with my life.  I say that I do.  I guess some days that's true and others, well, not so much.  If you're my friend (or family) and you see me being selfish, please tell me.  Don't worry that I might get offended.  I promise I will love you all the more for it.  Besides, I don't want to steal your joy.