Learning to Put on My Big Girl Panties

Have you ever felt like everything you touched was ruined? Sort of like King Midas, but way, way worse? That has been my week in a nutshell. If I was involved with it, it felt like it fell apart. I really began to think God was mad at me.

As some of you have already heard, someone took my money pouch on Saturday with all my session fees for Easter Minis. I was devastated. I can't tell you how tired I was and how hard I worked to get all that together. In my mind, God was punishing me. I was spending too much time doing things like that and not enough time with my kids. I wasn't a good enough mom. I worried too much about money and some upcoming expenses we had coming up. I didn't trust Him enough to take care of us, so this was His way of saying I should be better at trusting Him.

All through the night Saturday, I woke up with panic attacks. My poor husband finally about shook me and said, "You have to let this go!" I think the poor guy just needed sleep. I punched a few walls, screamed on my knees at the ceiling, kicked one of my Easter totes, and bawled like a baby. I felt like my insides were turning inside out.

I have questioned God about a thousand times. I know some of you are thinking, "It was just money." It was just money, but to me, it was more than that. It was about working toward a goal I had set in my mind. It was about trying to keep to our debt free goal. It was about contributing to the family and helping keep us on track. It was about security.

For those of you who know me fairly well, I am a pretty self-confident person. When it comes to being me and who I am as a person, I am confident in that. I have been for quite some time. I don't care if you don't like how I dress or that I speak my mind. However, when it comes to stability in my life and consistency, I kind of fall apart. For instance, for years I stressed over Christmas. Putting things on a credit card and having enough to purchase what we needed drove me crazy. I love Christmas and it is important to me. Anthony and I came up with a plan that each year we would take some of our tax return and create a Christmas account. That way, I could purchase all through the year when the prices were good and I could always know how much was left in the budget. Christmas was safe.

I am also kind of a crazy scrooge when it comes to money as well. Letting go of money to purchase things--even if we need it--is hard for me. (You should be a fly on the wall in some of our family discussions.) Well, I take that back. If it's for the kids it's not as difficult. As many of you saw, we visited Disney for five days earlier in the month. I literally saved from 2011 until this year for us to go on that trip. At the time, I was also saving to build myself a storage closet for props, new equipment and more. The Disney saving usually took a backseat to things we needed more, hence why it took me so long. In my mind, I even wondered if God was punishing me for wasting money on that trip. Maybe He thought I could have put it to better use?

Once I came to grips with losing the money, I realized something else had happened the day it went missing. On Sunday, I had a regularly planned session with a wonderful family with whom I have shot several times. I know them and am completely at ease with them. We had planned to meet in a parking lot of a restaurant. While I was waiting on them, I felt anxious. I felt like I needed to be aware of my surroundings. And by all means, I needed to keep my windows up and my doors locked. As most of you know Sunday was beautiful and I was pretty sweaty in the car with the windows up. The same feeling started to surface on Tuesday when I went to shoot a set of school portraits for a local preschool. There were workers milling around working on the buildings and I found myself constantly looking over at my car where I had strategically hid my purse under the 5,000 jackets that I found in the floorboard.

I felt scared. I felt panicky. Even though in both situations I knew I was going to be in the presence of people I felt comfortable with, I felt uneasy.

About seven months ago, I had my car broken into. I felt violated and angry. I felt the same uneasiness and anxiety that I feel now. It took me months to get comfortable. I don't want it to be like that again. I hate being scared and uneasy. My anxiety already causes a good bit of that anyhow, but having to deal with events that push it to the limits, it makes me very tired.

The hits kept on coming this weekend. After getting hardly any sleep and feeling like I had been hit by a truck, on Sunday I wake up to the sound of someone vomiting in the floor. Poor Jase stood there outside my bedroom door with his little puke puddle. I have to admit, I looked at the ceiling and said out loud, "Do you hate me? Am I really that bad of a person?" Luckily, we came to realize that it was most likely drainage from his allergies which the poor kid has been fighting for weeks now it seems. However, I still felt like I couldn't catch a break.

Monday, my dog walks into my office and pees on the rug. Tuesday, I didn't bring something I needed to a session. Today, I realized I emailed someone the wrong thing and my computer starts acting like it's on the blink. I have to admit, through all this, I kept asking God what it was that I had done that had offended Him so much that I needed to suffer through all this.

As I sit here tonight writing all of this, I am reading one of my Dad's texts to me from Monday.

".....I can say without reservation GOD does love YOU and has blessed you bountifully. God did not cause this but allowed it. What you have to focus on is what is he teaching me as an individual, as a parent, as a friend. There will be more to come. Navigate through this. Learn what you can, that way you can be a better help to someone else because of it."

Ouch. So yes, apparently I need to put my big girl panties on and learn from what I am going through. In the end, if it helps me help someone else one day, shouldn't I be okay with that? I have always thought my parents were wise, but this one really hit home for me. I have been so focused on God punishing me that I hadn't focused on what blessings I had! Suddenly, that plaque that my grandma has hanging in her bathroom about the footsteps in the sand really made sense. This weekend, God was carrying me because I wasn't walking along in my own strength. My strength was gone.

You might be thinking like I was at first--What do I really have to be thankful for right now? To be honest, I wasn't grateful for one stinking thing when I lost it over realizing the bag was gone. But after getting that text, I have tried to put things in perspective and be grateful. In both situations where I have lost something, I have never been personally attacked. I haven't be forced at gunpoint to give up something. No one has physically harmed me. In both situations, not one piece of my camera equipment was touched. (Apparently, God thinks I should keep doing this as a job.) I still have a way to continue providing for my family with that in my possession. None of my clients were harmed and the sweet goats were just fine. My master schedule which has every date I have booked logged, was recovered from the grass. (It was attached to my money bag.) I could have had to dig through hundreds of emails and messages to recover all of that information--talk about time consuming. As I have sat down to count my blessings, the list gets a little longer.

So am I still angry and questioning God? Still asking questions, yes, but angry, no. To be honest, if I am being punished by anybody, it's probably Satan and his buddies. Anthony and I have been really trying to use this blog and our videos on Friday nights to encourage others and lift the spirits of our friends and family. I have found that when you are doing something positive, that's generally when things gets tough. Satan doesn't want us to continue to be an encouragement. And if that's true, what's the best way to shut us up? Hand out some really crappy times and situations. Maybe that's why God allowed all of this to happen. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to learn. It could be that my dad is right and that there are people out there who need to hear that I have been struggling with these events and that I am fighting to get over it. And I will get over it with the help of a loving heavenly Father.

Before I close, I do want to say thank you to every person who has called to say something kind, stopped by to give me a hug, emailed a word of encouragement, or who has offered to help in any way. I know I say this a lot, but I have some of the best clients in the whole entire world. You guys are more than clients--you are my friends. You have shown me that you care about my mental health and my family. Each of your families are blessings I counted when I sat down to reevaluate my situation. If I ever get the opportunity to do the same for you, you better believe I will.                      

Show me the money!

I have a problem. That's the first step to beating the problem, right? You have to admit it, or acknowledge it. At least I've made it that far. My problem is this...I let my job play a large part in my self-perception. To put it another way, my work to a significant degree is where I find my worth. I don't like it. I don't want it to be that way, but it is that way. And I don't think I'm alone.

I think to be more specific, I should say that it's not so much my job or my work generally. It is what I get paid for doing the aforementioned work. For whatever reason, I feel like my worth is directly related to how many numbers are on my paycheck. I'm guessing it's that way for a lot of men out there. It may be that way for women too, but I don't think is quite as prevalent in that way.

Many men feel like making money and providing for our families is what we are responsible for. It's why we're here. I can't help but think about comparisons. It's not right, and it leads to jealousy and, really, covetousness. Those are not positive things. But, here's the honest truth coming, I sometimes feel like less of a man since I don't make as much as the next guy. 

The truth is, I don't even know how much money you make! I make assumptions, and I think they're pretty accurate. Whether they are or not, it doesn't really matter. Surely I'm not the only one thinking this way. The truth is, it's tough for me sometimes to talk to other guys about things related to finances, because I can't help but feel an inadequacy when I know they make more money than me.

Don't get me wrong...I feel appreciated at my job. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now. And it's important to feel appreciated and valued in your work. This is especially true when your Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I have a very stable job that I actually really enjoy, and it's not like I make pennies. The benefits are pretty good, and I've been there for almost 14 years. That's a long time! I've never had a full-time job with another company or organization. But I always want to make more money. Don't we all? Sometimes I get down when I think about it, and my wife isn't a big fan of that.

What I should really find my worth in is Christ. I know that. He paid the debt for my sins, and nothing good in my life is here without Him. Every breath I breathe, every smile I see, every dollar I make, every bite of food I eat, every hug from my wife or kids is a blessing from God. I know that. I know I am blessed beyond measure, and I am so thankful. But I still feel like I fall short of expectations.

I should find worth in the family that I have that loves me so much. I can't imagine being more fortunate than I am in so many ways. My wife is amazing, incredible, and truly just what I need. My kids make me smile and give me purpose. I work as hard as I do for them. I want them to be blessed, and feel loved, and feel special. But no matter how much time I spend with them and invest in their lives, I often attribute more value to the paycheck that I bring home (Well, the voided paycheck. Does anyone not use direct deposit these days?)

I don't think there's just one reason why this is the case. There's no way to pinpoint a root cause. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to identify some of the reasons I think this is the case for me. Maybe it's the same or different for you. 

One reason is that it's how our economy works. In our culture, the more valuable you are to your employer the more you're supposed to get paid. I messed up in one regard by working for a nonprofit organization. It's not like banking or finance or commission sales. There aren't bonuses for good performance or saving the company money or bringing in extra revenue. And our culture says the more valuable you are in the marketplace the more money you will make. 

Another reason is that our family is trying to live the debt-free lifestyle. Borrower is slave to the lender. You've read that from me before. I don't want to be a slave. But is it possible that all that is for those who have at least at $100k household income? I just made up a number. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's bigger than ours. How can we buy the car we want or need with cash that doesn't already have 100k miles on it if we don't have the income to do it? See. My fault. I should be making more money. So I listen to the Dave Ramsey show all the time and hear over and over again not to borrow money on a stupid car that goes down in value. So I feel like a failure because I can't make that happen. 

Some people reading this might think I should just go get another job where I make more money. If I'm so valuable as an employee, surely I could go make more in the marketplace. If I was reading this, I might say the same thing. But there are reasons I don't. There are some great things about my job. I live less than 10 minutes from work. My wife loves that I get to come home for lunch pretty much every day, and so do I. I rarely have to work many extra hours (except when we are up for re-accreditation and I get an email from my boss at 4:45 PM that the review committee wants a bunch of data that needs to be compiled and analyzed and then presented the next morning at 8:30...David McMillion and I along with others made it happen). What's more is that there's a reason I am where I am, I believe. So maybe this is a form of a sacrifice I make in order to invest more time with my family and finish the work that I started 14 years ago.

I think another reason is that I want my wife to be proud. It probably doesn't change her perception of me. But apparently part of me thinks it would help.

That's all I can come up with as far as justifications for my thoughts, and those were of varying levels of legitimacy. I don't really know why I feel this way. It's something that I dwell on at times, and it's not good. This is not the best version of me. God is good, no matter what my salary is. My God is Jehovah Jireh, and He will sustain me and my family. I know that, in my mind and in my heart. But something keeps me focused on the wrong thing. 

I approach my work with a Colossians 3:23 mentality, and that's where it's at. That's where the reward is. May God grant me, and whoever else may be reading this and feeling and thinking the same things, the focus and diligence to set our minds on things above and not of this world. Those things are worth dwelling on. And may I every day place great importance on how those closest to me view my efforts. They will tell me the truth, and their love is of immeasurable value.

Cars and Counsel

I drive an antique vehicle. It’s a 2002 Ford Mustang V6. Well, it’s not an antique by the official definition, but it is a classic by most definitions. It is 15 years old this year, and if I could get an antique plate on it I would.

Jen and I purchased it a few months after we were married in 2003. She was going to drive back and forth to Gainesville to work everyday, so we needed something reliable. That, and she always wanted a Mustang of her own (It really was and is hers. She would still drive it if she could, but we can’t really tote all her photo props and equipment and three rowdy boys in that car, so I drive it to work. But she did let me pick the color, which is that really cool Tampa Bay Buccaneers pewter color. Officially it’s “mineral gray.”).

We got a good deal on it I think. We told them $14k out the door, taxes, tag and all. So the purchase price was about $12,700. We paid nothing down and our payments were something like $280 a month for 5 years. I really can’t remember now. (On a side note, I said to Jen tonight that we have bought two vehicles and a house and paid nothing down on anything. That’s probably not a good thing.) We paid it off, a while back of course, and it has been a terrific vehicle.

In the last several years it started acting up a bit. A couple of years ago I took it to a local mechanic who my brother-in-law recommended as having done well for him. The folks there fixed it right up and called me to let me know it was done. I went to pick it up, paid about $450 for the parts and labor, and proceeded to drive away. But, wait. It’s still not fixed, I said to myself. So I turned around and let the boss man know. He said it was better, but sometimes when you fix one part you realize there are other issues as well. They told me the catalytic converter was clogged and that they don’t work on exhaust. I thought, what difference does that make because you’re not touching my car again.

So after having spent that kind of money to get the thing running smoothly with no success (Thanks a lot for the recommendation, Greg. No worries, though. He won’t be reading this.) I decided to do nothing for a while. After another year or so it was bad enough to the point that I figured something needed to be done. So I Googled “exhaust repair habersham county.” I chose the first one that popped up, Chip’s Service and Exhaust Center, and gave them a ring. The long and short of it is that Chip and his crew repaired something, asked me to come drive it, I did, and then I told them it was better but not fixed. So they repaired something else that I think they had never heard of (camshaft synchronizer?) and all was well! It was a beautiful thing to cruise around in the ‘Stang again at full strength.

I don’t remember when that was. It was last year sometime. I remember it was over $500 for the repair. So we had invested over $1,000 in this thing by now. Fast forward to last week. I was driving home from work, and the engine started shaking so bad that I thought it was going to fall out. I took it to Chip’s today. The verdict? $582. Maybe that’s not a lot to you guys, maybe it’s just a month’s car payment or something. For me, that’s insane. I’m supposed to pick it up tomorrow.

That was a quite lengthy story. It really was just the backstory. Are you ready for the real story? Do you need to take a break and get a drink of water, or stretch your legs maybe? It really stinks driving old vehicles sometimes. Our other vehicle is a 2006 Honda Pilot that we bought used in 2009. We love it. It fits us perfectly and does everything we want it to. It’s been a great car as well. It also has 197,000 miles on it, and it burns oil. John (that’s my father-in-law), if you happen to be reading this on your iPhone 4, don’t worry, I check the oil frequently.

The problem is that over five years ago when we overdrafted our checking account and had nothing in savings (did you catch that...nothing), we decided we were making a change with our finances. We agree with Dave Ramsey. Debt is dumb. Cash is king. Borrower is slave to the lender. So I really, really, kind of a lot, do not want to have another car payment.

Full disclosure? I’m jealous. I see all you people driving those fancy SUVs around. I want one of those. Or maybe a truck like my friend Kyle’s. It’s a nice, gray Ford F-150 with a crew cab or something. (Kyle, the new wheels add a nice touch, too.) So, yes, I want one of those vehicles. But…     But, what I don’t want is one of those $500 or $600 payments for 5 or 6 years. Not only do I not want it, but we can’t afford it.

The reality that we have set a goal, or made a determination that by May we will have to purchase another vehicle. I suppose it’s a pipe dream to think we could ever pay cash for what we need. So herein lies the struggle. We planned to run as far from debt as possible. And now the reality seems to indicate that payments are headed our way. This is at the same time that we will be sending Jase to private pre-school and TJ to a private 5th grade next fall. Yep, we could not do those things, but our priorities and convictions lead us to those decisions. (Did I mention we’re going to Disney soon? I can’t remember if I did. We’re going to Disney soon. Just thought I’d throw that in there. I know it seems a bit odd to be complaining about the car payment when we’re headed to Disney, but we have our reasons.)

So, I’m crossing my fingers that the $582 fixes the Mustang for now. Jen has worked really hard to build her business, and that income has been a blessing for us. We will, when we purchase, at the very least have a large down payment, and we will get a good deal as we search patiently. We will also keep both of the old vehicles. One of our goals has always been to own three vehicles so we can loan to those who are in need. We hopefully won’t borrow for 5.5 years like we did with the Pilot. In fact, I hope we can pay it off within 1-2 years, whatever we purchase.

The moral of the story is this: we all have struggles with things that are in conflict, ideas that cannot coexist. We don’t want debt, but we might have to use it. I think God would prefer we don’t borrow. He warned against it in His Word, not because it’s a sin, but because it’s not likely a blessing for us.

This morning before work I noticed that I had posted the following on my Facebook page four years ago:

Listen to the right one…

There are many devices in man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand. Proverbs 19:21

That’s really what I want; it’s what we need. I have my own thoughts and plans and ideas and things I want to do and not do, and so do you. But what I need is the counsel of the Lord. That, my friends, that shall stand.