My Story of Loss

Women don't tend to talk about some things. There are certain topics that we don't discuss because we either feel like no one else can ever understand or we are embarrassed or afraid. Yes, this is one of those blogs and I am about to talk about something that I haven't shared with many people at all. To be completely honest, I don't know why I haven't talked about it. I know there are others who have experienced the same kind of thing, and I never was embarrassed. Maybe it was fear. I guess by the end, I will have an epiphany.

Near the end of 2012, I had enough oral surgery to make anyone want to cut out all of their teeth forever if for no other reason than to never have to deal with them again. It was a pretty trying time for me mentally and physically. It was a process that took a few months and I was in pain and frustrated throughout most of it. I lost a lot of weight fast, as nothing really felt comfortable in my mouth. I tried to be a brave soul about it, but it was pretty horrible. I look back now and am ever so grateful for the team of dentists, oral surgeons and more who helped me through that rough experience. They were more than fantastic and I would recommend them to anyone.

At the end of the process, I was grateful and ecstatic. As I approached Valentine's Day of 2013, I realized my body was going through something else--I was pregnant. I knew it before I took the test. After two pregnancies, the signs get pretty obvious in no time. I didn't say anything to Anthony as I wanted to surprise him on Valentines Day. I had never not told him before and it was so hard to keep my little secret. Of course he was surprised and we were excited to have a baby that wasn't born in the spring for a change.

It was about week later when I started to get the feeling something wasn't right. I felt like I was being drug behind a semi truck. I was emotionally a wreck. I was extremely tired and....well it's hard to explain. I felt pregnant, but I didn't. Anthony encouraged me to call the doctor. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do because in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right.

I went in for the initial blood test where they confirmed I was pregnant, but my levels were dragging. They explained that was why I felt like I was dragging. My body was still trying to determine what was going on. (As if it had not been punished enough the months before.) For the next few weeks I was subjected to blood tests (I absolutely HATE needles), internal ultra sounds, and doctors or nurses who looked at me like I was broken. Okay, honestly, I don't think they thought I was broken, but you could see the pity and sadness in their faces as I came in from a waiting room full of very pregnant, very expectant mothers.

At this point you are probably wondering why I was so upset. I had two very healthy, amazing little boys. I had been one of those moms in the waiting room who was very pregnant and very expectant. I was a mom. If this baby didn't work out, at least I was going home to two others who needed and loved me. Call me crazy, but my mind never thought that way. All I could think was I don't deserve the pity, but I do feel like I was losing a little part of myself. I wondered if God thought I wasn't a good enough mother so in His infinite wisdom, he was "sparing" another child from my horrible failures. Why wasn't I good enough? Why were other people all around me pregnant and having an easy time while I was struggling just to keep this pregnancy going? Why......maybe......FAILURE.

Finally, the day came after more blood and ultrasounds when my wonderful midwife sat me down and explained to me that this pregnancy was not going to work out. She very kindly told me that she knew me well enough that I would want to give it as much time as I could, just to make sure that the pregnancy could not be saved. She offered me a pill to get the process moving since I was unwilling to have any surgery of any type. I tried to explain that I wanted the process to be as natural (Natural? What is natural about losing a pregnancy?) as I could make it, but I left with what she offered me. She explained to me it could take weeks for things to move "naturally" and that there could be very real complications if every little bit was not removed. I remember smiling at her and saying thank you and going home to try to move on.

I will never forget. I was out shopping with my mom when this horrible pain overtook my brain. It was like my body went into auto-control and things started to happen. Unfortunately, we happened to be in a store with a two bathroom set up--one men's and one women's. Naturally, being in a store that sold kid's clothes and toys, the women's restroom was occupied. I quickly glanced around and realized this was no time to be picky. Pushing through the door things got real. After it was all said and done, leaving the bathroom was difficult for me. When I finally made it out, my mom saw how pale I was and knew "natural" had happened. She guided me to the car and we headed home.

That's my story. I might be a mother, but I have experienced loss. I have never put my story out there and never really understood why until this blog. I always felt like I didn't deserve to feel sad. There are wonderful, spectacular women out there who have never carried a baby to term. I know them. Some have tried time and time again--never giving up on their hope. Others decided it was time to adopt. They are my friends, my clients, my family. I felt guilty about being sad and hurt. I was afraid to talk to them because their pain was deeper than mine. When did that become a thing? When did we stop talking to each other and being real about pregnancy and loss? Sure, when you are pregnant, everyone wants to give you advice and tell you what to and what not to do. When you lose a pregnancy, you feel utterly alone except for the looks of sadness that you see from those who do know what you are going through.

Why don't we reach out to each other and tell our stories? Losing a pregnancy is losing a pregnancy. No one pregnancy is greater than another. We are all women with the same fears. FEAR--there's that word again. As women, it comes up a lot. Throughout the whole cycle, from getting pregnant until they walk out the door of our homes to start a life of their own (Shoot, let's be real ladies, until we are old and dead), fear is a huge issue with our families. I wish I had reached out to more women and shared my anxieties. I feel like I could have gained wisdom and strength from someone who had been there and came out on the other side. Yet, we are so afraid of insulting someone else's pain that we don't reach out.

After losing that pregnancy, I was terrified to try again. When we found out months later that we were pregnant with Jase, I was having some complications. Anthony will tell you that I lost it more than once during those trying times. My sister and her husband even witnessed one of my hysterical fits when I started bleeding and had to go to the ER. They had no idea what to say or do to help me. I once again started to feel alone. I reached out to very few people. Thankfully, everything with the pregnancy resolved itself and Jase was born healthy, big.....and late.

One thing the doctor in the ER told me hit me pretty hard though. He said that most women lose at least one pregnancy in their lives--they just don't say anything to anyone. If this estimate is true, that means there are a lot of women walking around with a pain and loss they have never shared with anyone. What are we doing that makes women so afraid to talk to each other? Are we so caught up in appearances that we don't want people to know or pity us? Or does it go even deeper than that?

My guess is you are wondering where this is going? Talk to me. Don't be afraid to ask me about my experience or just ask questions. Share with me what you are going through and your fears. Allow me to be the person who helps you not feel so alone on this journey through life. Loss is a typical and very real experience in this journey of life. Acting like it doesn't happen or pretending that you are alright when you are screaming inside doesn't have to be part of it. If you haven't experienced loss in this area, be willing to listen and support. Before I lost that pregnancy, I never felt like I would be able to help someone who had experienced such pain and suffering. After going through it and wanting someone to just listen to me, I realized how foolish I had been. Whether or not you have been through it, you can still be a supportive and helpful friend.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. If you read through this blog post, that means you now know even more of the real life Jennifer.

Top 10: How NOT to settle an argument

Some days, we are not very good at communication. Whether it be with our kids, our extended family, or even our animals, we struggle with getting our point across without ticking someone off. Of course that can lead to arguments. I don't ever tick anyone off. You're right. You're perfect. In truth, I messed up in the communication department yesterday. We thought it would be good to provide some tips for how to NOT communicate, or argue, with your spouse.

1. Stare at your phone when your spouse is talking to you. Whenever we say we're listening but are engaged with our phones or watching television or using the computer, we're not really listening. Or we're not hearing, or internalizing what we're hearing. And it's very disrespectful. I like to tell the boys that we listen with our ears and our eyes. I think a basketball coach told me that one time. Anyone who didn't listen with their eyes got pegged in the head with the basketball. You must have gotten hit a lot as a kid. No. I'm a very good listener.
2. Interrupt your spouse when they are speaking. Not only does this frustrate and anger me, I will lose my train of thought and really start to not make sense. I feel like sometimes Anthony does it out of defensiveness, but I wish he would let me finish before he interjects. It probably is out of defensiveness. Serious practical question though...how should one hold onto thoughts while they are trying to listen intently but at the same time not forget the thought that popped into their head? Well, obviously don't make a note on your cell phone (see #1). I'm probably the worst person to answer that question since being with the children all day drains any ability to remember any comment that I would make. Letting me finish would also you time to really think about what you're going to say before you say it as well. Sometimes you interject before I can even get a full thought out, and it might address the point you are making when you interject. Sometimes my points are so great they just can't be constrained any longer.
3. Always assume you are right. My mom got me a shirt when I was a kid that had a picture of Calvin Hobbes on it and it read, "I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right." I really do believe I'm right most of the time. Even when you're not. Which is rare. But I have to make sure I am considering that there is a possibility, however slight it may be, that my spouse is right. And you wonder why we argue.
4. When one asks "What's the problem?" you say "You're the problem." Sometimes you *are* the problem. I think what you mean is you shouldn't make negative comments about your spouse. Those are not words of affirmation. Those are words of deaffirmation. That's not a word. It feels like a word. I think the point here is that you shouldn't tear down your spouse even when you're angry. It blocks the line of communication before communication can even begin.
5. Use your outside voice. This is the most effective way to kill any chance of having an optimal conclusion to a discussion. What makes it worse is when the kids are around. I like my outside voice. It gets things done. So do washing machines. I just want to point out here that Anthony is giggling like a little girl at his own joke that isn't funny and he also compared me to a washing machine. But when J.R. reads it, I won't be giggling alone anymore.
6. Bring up past mistakes. I'll admit this is a fault of mine. As much as I don't want to do it, I often keep a catalog of what you do wrong in my head. How do you have room in there for all that? It's a gift. I may not be able to remember our children's names, but I can remember that one time you were a butt a week ago. I'm glad it was only one. But I think this is difficult for everyone, to not allow the past to influence today's situation. And I think as Christians, we are called to forgive and forget. Well, maybe not forget, but forgive. If we continue to bring it up then we really haven't forgiven. I was about to make the exact same point. (One Couple moment) Forgetting can be nearly impossible for some, especially depending on the severity of the mistakes. I think sometimes it's important not to forget. Remembering gives us the opportunity to see the growth in our spouse, really see how far they've come. Maybe this is wrong, but since you mentioned earlier making a note on the phone, I have saved in my phone some things that you said to me one time. They weren't nice, but they were probably deserved and true. So I keep them saved and see them every once in a while to remember that I don't want to be the way I was at that point in time. Do you save the good things too? Those are written on my heart. Gag me.
7. Walk away while your spouse is talking to you. I will admit. I do this a lot. But, I want to say that it is self-preservation. I don't want to say something I'll regret. Apparently you keep a record book on your phone of the horrible things I say. No, just that one time; and they weren't horrible. Truth hurts sometimes. On this topic, at least from my standpoint, this is one of the most frustrating and maddening things you can do to your spouse. I get the idea to remove yourself from the situation. But it feels like a slap in the face. If I slapped you, you would know it. You probably walk away so you don't.
8. Keep your thoughts to yourself. While Jen tends to pretty much say things she thinks, I, to a fault, tend to go the other direction. I'm likely to not say things that probably need to be said. It may be my way to avoid further levels of confrontation. Are you scared of me? No. But I might be scared of what your reaction would be if I actually say what I think. Just that it might make you more angry. I actually get really upset when you won't tell me how you feel or what you're thinking. It's a one-sided fight, and that's very boring. I knew you enjoyed arguing with me. I enjoy winning.
9. Say things you'll be ashamed of later. Once it comes out, you can't take it back. It's been heard and internalized by your spouse. And as you said, things are hard to forget once they're heard. There needs to be a balance between telling the truth and not tearing the other person down. The truth hurts, but it shouldn't destroy. Nice one! You should put that quote in your coffee table book of inspirational quotes and photos. Well it's true. I have said a lot of things that I have been ashamed of after the fact. Not just to you, but to people in general. It might have been true at the time, but I could have said it in a way that was less destructive. Less deaffirming. Still not a word.
10. Go to bed angry. This is a big one for me. My sleep is terrible if we go to bed angry at each other. You seem to sleep fine though. There aren't too many things that keep me up at night. But this can be a challenge when you're not sure your spouse wants to resolve the dispute. You don't know if you don't try. You also don't get slapped if you don't try. A girl wants a man that will fight for her. Or, in your case, just fight her. I'm being serious here. I think it's something that we dream about as little kids, of having a spouse that will fight to make things right. I think part of that is also your personality in that you would prefer me to be more assertive at times, including in this area. Basically I'm trying to say be a man. Exactly. But there have been points during our long and arduous marriage (...eye roll...) where I have wanted to make amends but felt like you could care less because you could sleep through it no matter what. I can actually remember times where I cried myself to sleep. But that shows pridefulness on my part. I should have made the effort to make things right on my own instead of expecting you to step up to the plate. You are more likely to issue an apology the next day. It goes both ways for me. And you're more likely to issue an apology via a text message the next day, like today.

Do you even blog, bro? (Please don't call it that.)

Jen and I have been discussing for quite a while the idea of doing a shared blog. We often chat (no probably more like sometimes) about different topics that we feel like we could share to help others. Or at least help them not feel so abnormal. I'm reading a book right now called Start by Jon Acuff. My mom gave it to me. It talks about, well, starting stuff. (This is where T.J gets his writing style from. Hey, some people like this kind of format. My bad.) Jen encouraged me that it was time to make this happen. And I'm always right. And I didn't need a book to tell me to start.

For those who don't know us, we are a family of five, four boys and a girl. Don't forget the two boy dogs. We currently homeschool all three of our kids but plan on sending two to school in the fall. I am a photographer serving Northeast Georgia. And you are... Oh. I am a Registrar at Piedmont College. Everyone knows what that is. Yeah. Right. I'm sure they do.

As we mentioned earlier, we really want this to be about encouraging others who may face similar challenges or feel like their lives are out of the ordinary. Well, we want to help people find happiness in the havoc, because that's what we're trying to do. We want people to know it's okay to be happy and crazy. I had some really great blog titles that got shot down. This one is good though.

My brother and sister-in-law (hi J.R. and Kayla) made fun of us for talking about pink and blue ears. It's from a book. What's it called again? Was it Cracking the Communication Code? It was back when were trying to better our relationship, before we figured out we just need to not read books. At least about marriage. But we figured we should write in code so people would know who was speaking and writing the blog (and to also irritate J.R. and Kayla).

Some posts will be a joint effort, such as this introductory one. Others will be posts that I or Jen write individually. Mine will always be more interesting and funny. I will always let Jen read mine before they are posted. She already read one I'm going to post and said it wasn't a blog but a book. Okay, maybe a short story.

There are already some posts available for your reading enjoyment. We consolidated our individual blogs, or really just re-posted everything. What we hope...(Reilly from the other room: I'm gonna kill you! Stop saying you're going to kill your brother.)...is that we can be honest in what we write. Our lives aren't perfect. We're not perfect as individuals, and when you put five imperfect individuals together, that's perfect imperfection. You like to say the words individuals and perfect. Why would you say that six times? She just proved my point. 

Is that all? You can catch our 365 project on Instagram @straightforwardmom. We will write, but we will also probably do some video blogs (that's called a vlog in case you aren't a nerd) or Facebook Live interactive sessions. If you have any topics you want us to chat about, let us know. I am full of useless information, especially about smartphones and Dave Ramsey. 

He Wants to Know: Why are women so cranky?

Welcome to the next installment of "He Wants to Know" on the Straightforward Mom Blog! If you remember from the last installment, this is the time when I ask a guy what he would like to know about women or what they would want me to write about.

After reading the title, I can see some women already getting offended. Believe me, when I heard his question I was taken aback at first (I know what you are thinking--NO, the Straightforward Dad did NOT ask this question!). Fighting my urge to punch the asker of the question in the gut, I thought to myself, "What would motivate him to ask this question?" What made the situation even more complex (and frustrating) is that this is a guy who knows me well. Was he hinting that I was "so cranky?" After all these thoughts, I have decided to honestly try and answer this question the best I can.

I think there are a number of reasons why women are so cranky. One must look at the fact that there are physical issues that many of us deal with on a monthly (our friend Charlie comes to visit at the most inopportune moments), if not daily, basis. I have never been quite sure how to explain our physical issues to men, but I think that if they experienced some of the physical turmoil that we deal with, the issue of crankiness would be the last thing on their minds! I have to admit that I am at my crankiest right before Charlie decides to call on me. There are months where I don't even feel like the same person (and I think the Straightforward Dad would attest to this fact and say that he doesn't even know the being that often emerges during this time). It's hard not to be cranky when you feel like your innards are in turmoil. This also doesn't take into account other female physical issues that can come into play (i.e. pregnancy, menopause, pain from breastfeeding 500 times a day). I know that men have their own physical issues, but I think cutting us some slack in this department and understanding why crankiness would occur would be helpful.

There are emotional issues that men can't understand as well. I have found very few men who deal with fluctuating emotions like women. It seems we can be thrown from the throes of joy to the depths of depression very much like someone who is bipolar. Honestly, my emotions exhaust me some days. I know that is probably a terrible thing to admit, but it is the truth. If I could change this aspect of my womanly emotions, I might do some tweaking. I do like the fact that I am more emotionally connected to people, places, items (yes, I do still have every basketball tournament t-shirt because there is some memory attached to it), and other things than men seem to be (I think God made me that way). Yet, it would be nice to be able to disconnect when things make me "cranky."

Now, please don't misunderstand me guys! Just because we have things that cause us to be cranky, doesn't mean that we should allow it to make us cranky. (I just saw every woman reading this glare at me virtually!) I believe that women have to be extra careful not to let their physical situation or their emotional state get the best of them. It takes effort to keep out the "crankies." I am not the best person to blog about this because I am one of the best at allowing things to get a grip on me and cause me to be cranky. (Let's just say, if they gave a gold medal in crankiness, I would have a trophy case full.) Thankfully, this question (from a poor guy whom I will not name so he won't get hate mail) caused me to step back and say, "Why am I cranky? Why are other women considered cranky?" It also made me realize that I need to make a better effort to even keep from the appearance of crankiness. Obviously, I don't do my best and to be honest, some days I don't even try.

BUT, guys, you don't get out of the blog that easy either. You could offer a solution to the problem as well. If you want a less cranky wife--communicate. I know your favorite part of every day is to rush home and talk to your wife about her hopes and dreams, her heartaches and frustrations. Nonetheless, you need to take time (and the effort) to understand why that wonderful woman in your life is cranky. Does she need some help? Does she need someone to talk to? Does she need some "girl time?" The guy who asked this question wasn't necessarily talking about just his wife. He was talking about women in general. Guys, have you ever thought about asking your mom if you could lend a hand? Have you ever asked a female teacher if you could pray for her when she is having a bad day? What about your sister? Have you been there to listen to her when she is going through those "cranky moments?" (I know that talking to a woman during her "crankies" is not the easiest thing. I do believe that if you make the effort, you might be surprised at what you will discover.) Don't worry guys, women should be doing this for you as well. As if you guys didn't have enough stressors in life, you are expected to be our knights in shining armor. The truth is, communication between men and women is the key to good relationships (First and foremost is having God the center of any relationship--including friendships). . . and so is give and take.

I know that this will cause an interesting stir among readers, but I would love to hear your comments. And ladies, apparently we are cranky a lot. . . lets work on that!