Show me the money!

I have a problem. That's the first step to beating the problem, right? You have to admit it, or acknowledge it. At least I've made it that far. My problem is this...I let my job play a large part in my self-perception. To put it another way, my work to a significant degree is where I find my worth. I don't like it. I don't want it to be that way, but it is that way. And I don't think I'm alone.

I think to be more specific, I should say that it's not so much my job or my work generally. It is what I get paid for doing the aforementioned work. For whatever reason, I feel like my worth is directly related to how many numbers are on my paycheck. I'm guessing it's that way for a lot of men out there. It may be that way for women too, but I don't think is quite as prevalent in that way.

Many men feel like making money and providing for our families is what we are responsible for. It's why we're here. I can't help but think about comparisons. It's not right, and it leads to jealousy and, really, covetousness. Those are not positive things. But, here's the honest truth coming, I sometimes feel like less of a man since I don't make as much as the next guy. 

The truth is, I don't even know how much money you make! I make assumptions, and I think they're pretty accurate. Whether they are or not, it doesn't really matter. Surely I'm not the only one thinking this way. The truth is, it's tough for me sometimes to talk to other guys about things related to finances, because I can't help but feel an inadequacy when I know they make more money than me.

Don't get me wrong...I feel appreciated at my job. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now. And it's important to feel appreciated and valued in your work. This is especially true when your Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I have a very stable job that I actually really enjoy, and it's not like I make pennies. The benefits are pretty good, and I've been there for almost 14 years. That's a long time! I've never had a full-time job with another company or organization. But I always want to make more money. Don't we all? Sometimes I get down when I think about it, and my wife isn't a big fan of that.

What I should really find my worth in is Christ. I know that. He paid the debt for my sins, and nothing good in my life is here without Him. Every breath I breathe, every smile I see, every dollar I make, every bite of food I eat, every hug from my wife or kids is a blessing from God. I know that. I know I am blessed beyond measure, and I am so thankful. But I still feel like I fall short of expectations.

I should find worth in the family that I have that loves me so much. I can't imagine being more fortunate than I am in so many ways. My wife is amazing, incredible, and truly just what I need. My kids make me smile and give me purpose. I work as hard as I do for them. I want them to be blessed, and feel loved, and feel special. But no matter how much time I spend with them and invest in their lives, I often attribute more value to the paycheck that I bring home (Well, the voided paycheck. Does anyone not use direct deposit these days?)

I don't think there's just one reason why this is the case. There's no way to pinpoint a root cause. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to identify some of the reasons I think this is the case for me. Maybe it's the same or different for you. 

One reason is that it's how our economy works. In our culture, the more valuable you are to your employer the more you're supposed to get paid. I messed up in one regard by working for a nonprofit organization. It's not like banking or finance or commission sales. There aren't bonuses for good performance or saving the company money or bringing in extra revenue. And our culture says the more valuable you are in the marketplace the more money you will make. 

Another reason is that our family is trying to live the debt-free lifestyle. Borrower is slave to the lender. You've read that from me before. I don't want to be a slave. But is it possible that all that is for those who have at least at $100k household income? I just made up a number. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's bigger than ours. How can we buy the car we want or need with cash that doesn't already have 100k miles on it if we don't have the income to do it? See. My fault. I should be making more money. So I listen to the Dave Ramsey show all the time and hear over and over again not to borrow money on a stupid car that goes down in value. So I feel like a failure because I can't make that happen. 

Some people reading this might think I should just go get another job where I make more money. If I'm so valuable as an employee, surely I could go make more in the marketplace. If I was reading this, I might say the same thing. But there are reasons I don't. There are some great things about my job. I live less than 10 minutes from work. My wife loves that I get to come home for lunch pretty much every day, and so do I. I rarely have to work many extra hours (except when we are up for re-accreditation and I get an email from my boss at 4:45 PM that the review committee wants a bunch of data that needs to be compiled and analyzed and then presented the next morning at 8:30...David McMillion and I along with others made it happen). What's more is that there's a reason I am where I am, I believe. So maybe this is a form of a sacrifice I make in order to invest more time with my family and finish the work that I started 14 years ago.

I think another reason is that I want my wife to be proud. It probably doesn't change her perception of me. But apparently part of me thinks it would help.

That's all I can come up with as far as justifications for my thoughts, and those were of varying levels of legitimacy. I don't really know why I feel this way. It's something that I dwell on at times, and it's not good. This is not the best version of me. God is good, no matter what my salary is. My God is Jehovah Jireh, and He will sustain me and my family. I know that, in my mind and in my heart. But something keeps me focused on the wrong thing. 

I approach my work with a Colossians 3:23 mentality, and that's where it's at. That's where the reward is. May God grant me, and whoever else may be reading this and feeling and thinking the same things, the focus and diligence to set our minds on things above and not of this world. Those things are worth dwelling on. And may I every day place great importance on how those closest to me view my efforts. They will tell me the truth, and their love is of immeasurable value.

Dear Horrible Mom

Dear Horrible Mom—

Yeah, I am talking to you. The mom who struggles with keeping a clean house while balancing a job and her family. The one who hates to cook and allows her husband to prepare meals. A crotchety, frustrated, spent mom who finally loses it at the end of the day and yells at her children (Okay, let’s be honest. It might be more like 9:30 am.) Sometimes I see you in the parking lot wrangling your crazy kids as they put every reflex, not to mention ounce of patience, to the test—and it fails. Other times I see you stressing over your time, trying to figure out if you have actually spent enough time just listening to your kids. You wonder if your husband even remembers your name, or what you look like for that matter. You really can’t keep up with every detail, no matter how hard you try.

Let’s face it—you are a real loser. Not just a loser, but a failure. You aren’t helping anyone—not your kids, not your husband, not your coworkers, not anyone. Your kids will grow up to be degenerate, unintelligent, disrespectful people. Your husband will finally look at you one day and realize just how far you have let yourself go. Your job will suffer to the point that no one would ever keep you on staff or hire you. Your church is completely devastated at your lack of participation and leadership. I could go on and on listing out your future disappointments.

At some point, you break. You cry into your pillow, your steering wheel, your laptop, or just whatever’s closest. Who could ever understand what you feel like? Who could put up with such a depressing, pathetic excuse for a mother, wife, friend, and wait…..I can’t even list the rest of the roles you place because it makes me tired.

The truth is that every woman on this planet in every era of history has taken a moment out of her day to label herself a horrible ____________. (You can fill in the blank—worker, wife, sister, friend, etc.) It’s almost like it’s in our DNA to be hard on ourselves. We are our own worst critics. I guarantee, in most cases, someone around you thinks that you are doing a great job. But why would a horrible mom listen to anything positive about the pitiful job she was doing?

I am about to get very real with you here. I am that horrible mom. My husband cooks in our household. Our house is in total chaos a majority of the time (Oh okay—all the time). My car looks like homeless cats probably live inside. Some days, I don’t want to be the best. All I want is to sleep. Maybe even without a foot in my eye socket. I look around at the chips on the floor, the laundry on the back of the couch, the sticky wetness on the door frame (what in the heck is that?) and literally think there is no more horrible mother than I. Forget the fact that I spend waayyy too much time working. I struggle trying to find a balance between my editing time for my job, instructing the boys for school, and just enjoying real face to face time with them. Did I hug them enough today? Did I grade that spelling test? Did I remember to edit that booger off that child’s face in the family picture? Yeah, I am a jumbled up mess some days.

It’s usually on the days where I feel like that horrible mom that I talk to another person who vents to me the exact same struggles that I have had that day and I smile. Relief floods over me and I realize, IT’S NOT JUST ME! I scream it on the inside, from the rooftops of my, uhhh, greater intestine maybe. I usually look her straight in the face and say “Preach sister.” That’s when I realize how important it is for women—not just moms—to be very careful of the social media trap. You know exactly what I am referring to. You can’t sleep (mainly because you are stressing over what you have to do tomorrow, or next week even) so you mindlessly open Pinterest. You scroll nonchalantly through the pins and you stop on that amazing article—How to Clean Your House in a Week (and keep it clean for eternity with 15 minute spot cleanings). Or maybe that article that should give you all the feels—500 Things You Should do With Your Toddler Before they grow up and go to Kindergarten. Or my personal favorite—30 Days to Weighing Exactly What you Think You Should Weigh (with a gorgeous butt). You see pictures of beautiful homes with playrooms that look like no child has ever been there. You see a list of things you should probably do with your kid that you couldn’t complete before he was 30. You glance over and realize that you couldn’t do those exercises even if it meant that someone would gift you a million dollars and do them for you. And don’t even get me started on Facebook. The statuses that haunt me look a little like this: “I completely cleaned my house, had 15 houseguests over for an absolutely awesome party, cheered my son as he threw a no hitter, and now it’s 9pm and I am crawling under the covers about to get it on with the man of my dreams.” We compare not only what we look like, but what we are doing, how we do it, and who did it on less sleep. Sometimes, it can even be the opposite. We compare who has the worst of it. You know the people who groan on and on about how bad their life is. Let’s just be real. Social media needs a good dose of reality and positivity. Is it okay to say that in the same sentence?

So let’s bring this letter back around. It’s time to change a few things horrible mom. First, it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself. I bet (well unless you have a teenager) if you ask your kids right now about the job you are doing, they would praise you. If you talked to a coworker, they would be able to highlight something you did right. Your husband could probably tell you some vital thing you did to keep the house running. We are way harder on ourselves than other people. It’s time we get out of the self-pity and get on the positive. We can’t encourage our kids to think positively about themselves and their bodies if we constantly exhibit the opposite.

Second, get out of the comparison game. It’s a no win situation. There will always be someone better out there. Photography actually taught me this. No matter how much I learn, no matter how much I improve, there will always be someone who is better at photography than me. Once I finally became okay with that, I was able to grow and accept my own work for what it was—mine. It’s the same with womanhood. There will always be a better mom, a better friend, a better wife—but your family, your friends, your coworkers accept you for you—failures and all.

Third, get real on social media. Had a kid poop down your back while you were working? Post it. House looks like a velociraptor had a house party? Post it. Turned an entire load of laundry blue? Post it. Why? Because you will get 50 responses from folks who had the same kind of day and will say, “It does get better. It happens to the best of us.” What should you not post? Keep all spouse rants, bullying, and hatefulness to yourself. Beating down someone else will NOT make you feel better about yourself.

And last, but certainly not least, let people compliment you. Don’t be like me horrible mom. When my husband tells me how much he appreciates me, I sometimes sigh in my head and think, “I bet you do. It meant you didn’t have to do it.” That’s a crappy attitude and there is no place for it (even during PMS). When someone at work compliments a project or someone who is competing with you for a job says something nice, don’t automatically dissect their compliments to find the sarcasm or hidden meanness. When the older lady in Walmart tells you how awesome your kids are behaving as you are quickly pulling your toddler’s pants back up (the ones he had pulled off and was swinging around his head like a lasso) and giving your other child the “put that down before I lose it” look—smile, hug her, and cry on her shoulder. Some of them haven’t forgotten what it was like to be in your shoes.

All this to say, horrible mom, that you are not so horrible. You are an amazing creature that juggles like a clown, is faster than the Flash, needs less sleep than Elf, saves more days than Wonder Woman, and loves more than any person on earth. That in itself is not so bad.

Sincerely Yours,
A Horrible Mom

This one's about me

I've been pretty selfish over the course of my life.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.  Even the title of this post is about me.  Examining or taking an inventory of my own thoughts can reveal a lot about who I am and the condition of my heart.  My thoughts and intentions have often been focused on what I can do to make myself feel better, or impress others, or deflect criticism and blame.  I know there are times that are worse than others.  The trouble is that it's difficult for me to see while it's taking place.  When I'm worried so much about myself, for whatever reason I don't realize it.  Sometimes it takes someone else to call me out on it.

It's certainly not that I want to worry only about myself.  I think I even do things for others that could appear to be unselfish to someone else but are really in some way designed to benefit me.  And I probably even feel like I'm thinking of others in those actions.  For some reason I can't help it.  I suppose it's part of human nature.  Having said that, I'm pretty sure God wants me to let Him worry about me.  I'm pretty sure He wants me to be focused outward, on others.

Here's a few reasons...

When I think about others and not so much about myself, it makes my life a lot more enjoyable.  When I focus on me, and think about me, and dwell on my situation, it tends to cause me to sulk and feel sorry for me.  When I think about others it causes me to share in their joys and stand with them in their sorrows.  Even in sorrows, there's much more peace in supporting others.

When I think about myself, I am most likely missing an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.  God puts me in places, in my job, in my church, at the grocery store, to minister to and bless others.  Dwelling on my state of affairs totally blinds me to the opportunities to help others and show them God's love.  Shame on me for this.  Someone around me may not receive something good that Almighty God has for them because of my selfishness.

This last one is the worst.  When I am focused on me and not others, there's a really good chance that I'm robbing someone else of their joy.  Something good happens for a friend, and I worry about how it's going to affect me.  Or I think about how crummy a situation I might be in at the time and wonder why they have good things happening to them that aren't happening to me.  It's a common occurrence, and despite my efforts on the outside to appear happy for them, I'm sure they can sense that my sentiments aren't from the heart.  God wants me to focus on others so, again, I can share in their joys and successes.  Life's a lot better for me that way.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to say I think it's an every day battle.  It's probably a lack of faith in God, too.  I'm supposed to trust Him with my life.  I say that I do.  I guess some days that's true and others, well, not so much.  If you're my friend (or family) and you see me being selfish, please tell me.  Don't worry that I might get offended.  I promise I will love you all the more for it.  Besides, I don't want to steal your joy.