Why did we get married?

Yes, that's a real question that I asked my wife. We were out on a "date night" recently when I said it. It was sort of a rhetorical question. I wasn't mad at the time. We weren't arguing. I wasn't yelling in Outback Steakhouse when I said it, like we were in the middle of a screaming fight and I screamed, "Why did we even get married???" It was a simple question I was posing to hopefully spur some thought. 

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago next to my wife. I was looking at my cell phone (It's an Android phone if anyone is interested. I went to the dark side a while back, mainly due to the price. Jen thinks it's a piece of crap. It kind of is, but it was only $49. And then I saw Ashley the other day, one of Jen's and my former players/students, and she couldn't believe I didn't have an iPhone anymore.) I looked at Jen and she was either looking at her iPhone or reading a book. She does both in bed, so I can't remember this time. 

At the moment I felt very disconnected from her. It wasn't like we weren't getting along or things were going bad. It just seemed as if we really had not been on the same page for a little while. So when we went to dinner one night a few days later, I popped the question. "Why did we get married?" She wasn't really sure what I meant, so I had to explain myself.

I know there are stages in life. Especially when you have kids involved, there are going to be periods, stages, cycles in life, whatever you want to call them, when you just do not feel close or connected to your spouse. Kids have a tendency to dominate our lives, as we've discussed before in blogs and videos. But even if you don't have kids, other things can potentially get in between you and your spouse. It might be TV, work, phones, friends, whatever.

So I asked the question because I wanted us to remember what it was that caused us to get married. In fact, Jen has also recently said she felt like we were not in sync, or that we were distant. It is so easy to get focused on so many other things that we forget to remember to connect with each other. I never want us to get to a point where the children, who obviously mean so much to us, take up so much attention and drive the activity in our lives that we can't be just Jen and Ant sometimes.

Part of this stream of thought stemmed from the road trip we took. It caused me to reminisce about the times when we would go on little trips together. The last time we had been in Philadelphia prior to this summer, it was just Jen and me. The Westminster brats had gathered up a ton of Wendy's cups for us when Wendy's was doing a promotion to give a way free AirTran flights. I don't remember how many cups it took, but they collected enough cups out of trash cans and dumpsters and from strangers to get us two free round-trip tickets to Philadelphia. We went and had such a blast. It also turns out that Jen was pregnant with TJ at the time, even though we didn't know it. 

We had season passes to Six Flags for two years. We went on a camping trip to Charleston, in the middle of summer, in a tent, and we had a campfire and also enjoyed a time share presentation for $75 worth of free meals and attractions. All of it my idea. We chaperoned high school field trips to Boston and Chicago. We flew to L.A. to visit my brother and sister-in-law, and visited the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. We went to Chattanooga and Savannah. We went camping a bunch of other times. I don't know what else we did, but it was a lot of fun. 

I got a little side tracked just now thinking about all the trips we took. But what I really want to make sure is that we don't forget that we had so much fun, just the two of us. We loved each other's company and were goofy and spontaneous. It's not that we don't enjoy each other's company now, but it tends to be different. I have to be careful now not to talk all about the budget or money. She has to be careful not to always talk about plans for the kids. 

So when I popped the question, I just wanted her to think about it. Why did we get married? Let's don't lose sight that we were once just the two of us. We have added so many blessings to the picture that enrich our lives daily. However, without us, there is no them. Without our love, there is no future here. Let's remember it, and invest in it, and make an effort to be the "one couple" I like to joke about. Now and always. 

Jen, if you're reading...I love you, and you're the funnest person I know.

Two words were my downfall (okay...maybe it was more than that)

Let me set the stage. Monday early afternoon (Memorial Day so I was off work), Day 4 of Jen's birthday weekend extravaganza celebration (also known as Jenapalooza). I was doing the dishes, the boys were upstairs cleaning their rooms to get ready for a friend coming over the next day, and Jen was somewhere in the house doing something (I don't know what). Jen comes to me with car keys in hand and says, "I'm going to town." I said, "Going to town? What do you mean 'Going to town'?" "What I said, going to town." "What does that mean? Going to town to do what?" "I don't know I'm just going to go to town and go around and do stuff." "What town, around here?" "I don't know." "Well, do you want us to go with you or do you want to go alone?" "Whatever it doesn't matter." "Okay well I was just going to clean for now and I know the boys need to finish cleaning their rooms." "Okay well I'm going to go so I can get out of the house. I'm not going to spend all day sitting around here." "Well do you want us to come with you or not?" "It doesn't matter, but I am going." "Okay, go ahead and I will have to stay and monitor the boys." "Fine, I'm not going."

There was more to it after that, mostly after Jen sat on the couch me "encouraging" her to get out of the house. I don't think I got the quotes verbatim, but it's pretty close and gives you the idea. Do you see where I messed up? It was one word. Maybe two. "...have to..." I think things would have ended better if I had just omitted those two words. Maybe not, though. Jen says my tone stinks. My mom always said that too. So even when I don't say the wrong thing I usually say it the wrong way. I tell Jen to just think the *best* of me, that no matter my tone my intentions were good and I have her best interest in mind. Besides, I'm monotone! I can't help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Was that an appropriate use of a thousand exclamation points, ladies?)

Let me explain my thought process here from the beginning. Jen does not like to be alone. She doesn't like to go places alone. One might think that since she is around the three boys all day most days that she would want to leave the house by herself occasionally. That's not the case. She does not like to be alone. Sometimes I try to get her just to go drive around or go to Walmart or whatever store on her own. She doesn't like to do that. She likes to be around people (except for when she doesn't).

So when she came to me saying she was leaving to "go to town," I couldn't believe that she actually wanted to leave by herself. I would have been perfectly fine with that, of course. But I kept prying and pushing because I assumed she didn't really want to go alone. So I was trying to figure out what she really wanted in this case, because she was not just coming out and telling me.

Normally I would have just told the boys to get ready because we were gonna head out. But in this case, I knew they needed to finish cleaning their rooms so the friend could come over. So I felt obligated to make sure they did that. So there was part of the struggle, trying to decide which thing was more important at that time, making sure the boys finished with their rooms or making sure my wife's wants or needs were fulfilled.

Another part of my thought process, to be honest, was trying to figure out why in the world she wanted to leave the house. We had been out with friends and had a great time on Friday for dinner and the escape experience. Saturday was lunch with the family at Bar-b-que Shack in Toccoa and then she went shopping for a while in Commerce. Sunday was church and then Moe’s for dinner and some shopping. Here we were on Monday, me thinking we had enjoyed a full weekend and ready to wind down for the week ahead.

The problem was this. Jen had taken the weekend off from work. In case you don't know, she works pretty much every day. If she doesn't have one or more shoots scheduled in a day, she is editing and doing other necessary things for the business. Most days she is doing both. She has sessions almost every Saturday and most Sundays. She works all the time, and she works very hard. But when she takes a weekend off of work, she doesn't want to sit around and relax. She is not an introvert. She wants to be out doing things, seeing people, enjoying life, experiencing things. It's the same thing on vacation. We can relax when we're dead. She wants to be out doing things. And I have really come to appreciate that about her.

So one thing that I finally have learned after this weekend's experience is that if she has scheduled a weekend to not work, by golly I better have that weekend jam packed full of stuff to do. And next time I will try my darndest.

Actually we talked a few minutes after our discussion and after I tried to encourage (really force) her to leave the house. I came to her and explained that I was pushing and pushing because I really was trying to understand what her wishes were at that moment. Did she really want to leave alone? Did she want to get away from the rest of us? Did she want us all to go? I explained how I couldn't believe she actually wanted to go by herself because of how she doesn't like to be alone. Then, I really messed up in the way I said the last sentence. I explained to her that what I really meant was that it was okay that she was going, but I was trying to convey that I could not go because I needed to monitor the boys and make sure they were doing what they needed to be doing.

From her perspective, I kept pushing and pushing, and the last sentence was the last straw. She further explained that she has to be home ALL THE TIME. She wanted that weekend to be a time where she didn't have to sit in the house. She truly just wanted to get out of the house. And now I understand that better.

In the end we decided to load up the car and drive down to Sams Club, which closed at 6 after we arrived at 5:55. Then we went to Goodwill where we found a really nice dresser for $60. We're not sure yet what we're going to do with it, but it was a good deal we thought. And we went to eat at Little Italy. So that was our third day out of four driving to Gainesville or further south. It turned out okay.

As I mentioned, I learned a couple of lessons (again). One or two words, or my tone, can make all the difference in what I mean to say and what Jen hears me say (with her pink ears). I also learned that when Jen has a weekend without work she wants to do stuff outside the house, no matter what the other circumstances. I think I also learned instead of asking a bunch of the same questions different ways it's probably better for me to get straight to the point and say what's going on in my mind so that she can help me understand. One thing I know is that she wants me to speak up more, even if it's going to make her mad. What so cool is I was able to make her mad in this case without even speaking up. Now that takes talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is Us

A typical day for us goes a little something like this.......

Anthony gets up first and reads his Bible and drinks a ridiculous amount of coffee. It's one cup. It's a rather large cup, but it's one cup. My alarm goes off right before he gets into the shower and I drag myself out of the bed. (I would like to add here that I recently have been getting up and doing my personal quiet time while he is in another room doing his. I have been horrible about this as I have become less of a morning person since the homeschool adventure with all the kids started.) We get dressed and right before I wake up the kids, I get a quick "I love you!," a kiss,  and he's out the door headed to work. We see each other (usually) at lunch time. We have an hour to catch up on the day so far and for me to unload to him about how rough my part of the day has been. Once again, he's out the door. He comes home about 5:30pm and he hits the kitchen while I work. We sit and eat. We typically do some kind of needed chore or run around with the kids for a bit and then hit the sack. Wasn't that the perfect day you dreamed about when you thought about getting married?

This is us, day in and day out. Some days we throw in a baseball or basketball game, church, time with extended family, or my not so favorite trip--Wal-mart. But for the most part, this is us.

When you are considering marriage as young adults, it seems so romantic and blissful. We were married straight out of college (literally in between semesters of our graduate program). I remember all the high hopes and great expectations I had walking into the whole situation. They all came crashing into reality the day we were married. I am not lying when I say I basically had a panic attack leaving the church on our way to our honeymoon. Everything hit me like a brick wall as I sat in the car next to this man I had just married, and the tears just came. I had left everything I had ever known behind at the church--everyone having a fantastic time, enjoying life, and eating my cake. Of course, Anthony was totally taken aback as I lost it for about 30 minutes or so. He may have been nervous that day, but he wasn't at all thinking about the past. He seemed totally ready for the future. That was us.

As time went on, I realized just how hard married life really is. I worked incredibly crazy hours at a job that was over 30 minutes away from him. Work was a big deal for both of us and we wanted to be the best we could. It's amazing how much that took a toll on our marriage. I look back now and I am ashamed that I put our relationship on the back burner during that crucial time. The first five years of marriage are insane. I don't think anyone ever really said that to us out loud. I think people hinted at it, but never said it straight out. I am saying it loud and clear. THE FIRST FIVE YEARS ARE CRAZY HARD. If you are reading this and you are in those years, definitely take time to get to know your spouse. Invest in your relationship because so many things come along after those first five years that you will never find the time to do it later. In those first years you learn so much about each other. Not just likes and dislikes, but hopes, dreams, preferences, secrets, etc. Looking back, I feel like I knew more about the lives of my students than I did about Anthony's. It wasn't because I cared for him less, I just gave most of my time and effort to my students. That was us.

To be completely honest, we hit a very tough time in our marriage about year 4. There were moments where I questioned what in the world I was doing! What had I gotten myself into? If you think about it, most people don't even date very long, so when you get a few years in, it's really like, "Uh-oh! I am really deep into this thing and there is no going back!" But you learn that love is a choice. I also realized that if I wanted to keep my marriage on the right track, I had to fight like crazy for it. There are constant attacks to try and destroy what you have built.

Later, kids come into the picture. It's a totally new ball game. That's when you realize you should have been investing more time in your marriage back in the day, before they came along! (There are days that I can't figure out what we did before we had kids! We must have been extremely lazy.) Time together alone lessens with each new addition. You wonder when you will ever sleep together again, much less get to "cuddle." Communicating with each other often consists of words that you would never have said to each other before. For instance, our conversations now include words like "pooped on my back" and "trucks in my hair." Romantic dinners consist of four men at the dining room table dressed in suits with big smiles. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing family life, but our couple time is limited. This is us.

Tomorrow (May 10th) will mark our 14th anniversary. Saying that out loud blows my mind. We have been on this journey for 14 years (well longer if you count how long we dated). Have I loved him every single day? No. Has he lived up to every single expectation? No. Has he ever made me so mad I wanted to pack up and go home? Yes. Have I ever wanted to give up? Yes. I think anyone who answers those questions differently at any stage of marriage is lying. We are human and love is a choice. We don't always make the right choices. I wish I could answer those questions differently, but I am human, and heaven help me, I am a woman.

As we celebrate 14 years, I wanted to share a few things that Anthony does to make us who we are. He is a godly man who makes mistakes and owns up to them. He tells me what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it (or I think he's wrong). He supports me even when I feel like a complete failure. He loves his children and he leads by example. He works hard at his job even when the reward may not be what he deserves. He loves people and has a heart the size of Texas. All of these things and more are what he does to make us the couple that you see in front of you every day. Yeah we may be frazzled, late, and have one child that is only wearing one shoe, or might be pulling his pants down in public, but we are together, happy, and working hard to be what God wants us to be. This is us, and I couldn't be more grateful.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

There are a couple of things in life that can really try your patience. One of them is Windstream, and the other is having your hard drive crash. We were dealing with both of these phenomena this week. Well, Jen was suffering more from the Windstream issue, and it was my computer at work that had hard disk failure. Life gives us plenty of times to react in frustration, and those same experiences afford a chance to develop our patience.

Our Windstream internet has at times been really good. At times it's been really frustrating. Last week sometime it began to struggle quite mightily. It would literally take five minutes to load a basic web page. That tested our patience a bit. We called customer service and were told there was definitely an issue (Thank you for that, Windstream customer service person. I was previously unaware that there was an issue.) and that a service technician would need to visit. That was on Thursday, and a technician was scheduled for a Saturday visit.

The reminder call came on Friday to let me know that a technician would be starting work on Saturday between the hours of 8 AM and 7 PM. The technician was supposed to call before he came to the house. Without calling, he showed up around 3 PM I think. After a little work outside and a little work inside, he was stumped. He called for reinforcements. After another hour or so of work, we were told it was better and that they had one more thing to do and then all would be well. The internet worked pretty well after that, for about 16 hours or so. 

So I called back in on Monday and was told the ticket was still open and the issue would be resolved by 6 PM. That technician told Jen we had a problem with the wiring in the house and would need new wiring. He would have to complete it the next day. So today a different technician called and said he needed to drill a hole in the floor to run a new wire to eliminate the wiring issue as a problem. I said okay! He did that, and once he was finished around lunch time said it was working but that there was still a problem.

He referred it back to the experts who deal with the issues in the lines down the road. Two more technicians visited our home in the afternoon to say they had narrowed it down to an issue with one of the pins at the hub, they thought. So a total of six technicians later, they were still a little stumped. At this hour our internet is working, but I don't know if the full problem has been resolved.

Let me just say this about Windstream. The local people that work for the company are terrific people. In fact, we go to church with two of the technicians that helped us. And we know a couple of other folks who work there, and they are awesome individuals. One in particular is a friend who helps me out a lot and tracks what is going on. So the people are great. The product has been less than great over the years.

On Friday morning I arrived at work to this:

So that was fun! I've tried to keep everything saved on the network drive at work, so I didn't figure it would be a big deal. Of course anything I had saved on the hard drive was gone. I'm thinking many folks would have had a nervous breakdown here. It was okay in my case. But the IT guy (our IT guys are great, by the way) commented how much easier it was for him when I didn't explode in anger. That made me feel good.

People have told me I'm really patient. Sometimes I'm not, but it's usually when I'm not in public. I get frustrated with the kids, and, yes, even with my wife. Jen can tell you. I'm really not as patient as people think. I have outbursts occasionally, and I snap at the kids sometimes for no real reason. I have held screaming babies in the air and yelled in frustration. But the everyday situations, like the ones above, and like when you're in a restaurant and they clearly aren't serving well, are opportunities to show our kids how to be patient. They watch how we treat people. 

Oh, and you fathers out there, they watch how you treat your wife. This is something I have to really think about or I mess up royally. Here's the thing...there are going to be arguments in marriage. It happens, and it will happen occasionally probably forever. We talked the other day on our Facebook Live session how Jen doesn't want me to roll over in arguments because it makes her think I don't care. But, if I do engage in the spirited discussion, that can come across to my boys potentially in a way that appears that I'm not being loving. And if I'm not careful I might be modeling something that seems to make it okay to be disrespectful to your wife. So it's a balance. Not an easy balance like Karate Kid on that pole at the beach. A difficult balance like me trying to do a front flip on a balance beam. That kind.

Keeping a patient mindset helps me to keep my voice low and hopefully my tone appropriate. Jen believes my tone is always perfect, and I appreciate that she recognizes it (No, no she doesn't.). What we need to remember is that in all these situations, if we have kids, they are watching. They are learning. There's a saying that goes, "More is caught than taught." I think that is true in this case. The kids learn more from what we do in front of them than what we tell them to do.

I just asked T.J. and Reilly if they think Jen and I are patient. T.J.'s answer was "Sometimes." Reilly's answer was, "For three days, yes. For two days, no." I don't know what the latter means, but I'm thinking we have room for improvement.

Top 10: How NOT to settle an argument

Some days, we are not very good at communication. Whether it be with our kids, our extended family, or even our animals, we struggle with getting our point across without ticking someone off. Of course that can lead to arguments. I don't ever tick anyone off. You're right. You're perfect. In truth, I messed up in the communication department yesterday. We thought it would be good to provide some tips for how to NOT communicate, or argue, with your spouse.

1. Stare at your phone when your spouse is talking to you. Whenever we say we're listening but are engaged with our phones or watching television or using the computer, we're not really listening. Or we're not hearing, or internalizing what we're hearing. And it's very disrespectful. I like to tell the boys that we listen with our ears and our eyes. I think a basketball coach told me that one time. Anyone who didn't listen with their eyes got pegged in the head with the basketball. You must have gotten hit a lot as a kid. No. I'm a very good listener.
2. Interrupt your spouse when they are speaking. Not only does this frustrate and anger me, I will lose my train of thought and really start to not make sense. I feel like sometimes Anthony does it out of defensiveness, but I wish he would let me finish before he interjects. It probably is out of defensiveness. Serious practical question though...how should one hold onto thoughts while they are trying to listen intently but at the same time not forget the thought that popped into their head? Well, obviously don't make a note on your cell phone (see #1). I'm probably the worst person to answer that question since being with the children all day drains any ability to remember any comment that I would make. Letting me finish would also you time to really think about what you're going to say before you say it as well. Sometimes you interject before I can even get a full thought out, and it might address the point you are making when you interject. Sometimes my points are so great they just can't be constrained any longer.
3. Always assume you are right. My mom got me a shirt when I was a kid that had a picture of Calvin Hobbes on it and it read, "I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right." I really do believe I'm right most of the time. Even when you're not. Which is rare. But I have to make sure I am considering that there is a possibility, however slight it may be, that my spouse is right. And you wonder why we argue.
4. When one asks "What's the problem?" you say "You're the problem." Sometimes you *are* the problem. I think what you mean is you shouldn't make negative comments about your spouse. Those are not words of affirmation. Those are words of deaffirmation. That's not a word. It feels like a word. I think the point here is that you shouldn't tear down your spouse even when you're angry. It blocks the line of communication before communication can even begin.
5. Use your outside voice. This is the most effective way to kill any chance of having an optimal conclusion to a discussion. What makes it worse is when the kids are around. I like my outside voice. It gets things done. So do washing machines. I just want to point out here that Anthony is giggling like a little girl at his own joke that isn't funny and he also compared me to a washing machine. But when J.R. reads it, I won't be giggling alone anymore.
6. Bring up past mistakes. I'll admit this is a fault of mine. As much as I don't want to do it, I often keep a catalog of what you do wrong in my head. How do you have room in there for all that? It's a gift. I may not be able to remember our children's names, but I can remember that one time you were a butt a week ago. I'm glad it was only one. But I think this is difficult for everyone, to not allow the past to influence today's situation. And I think as Christians, we are called to forgive and forget. Well, maybe not forget, but forgive. If we continue to bring it up then we really haven't forgiven. I was about to make the exact same point. (One Couple moment) Forgetting can be nearly impossible for some, especially depending on the severity of the mistakes. I think sometimes it's important not to forget. Remembering gives us the opportunity to see the growth in our spouse, really see how far they've come. Maybe this is wrong, but since you mentioned earlier making a note on the phone, I have saved in my phone some things that you said to me one time. They weren't nice, but they were probably deserved and true. So I keep them saved and see them every once in a while to remember that I don't want to be the way I was at that point in time. Do you save the good things too? Those are written on my heart. Gag me.
7. Walk away while your spouse is talking to you. I will admit. I do this a lot. But, I want to say that it is self-preservation. I don't want to say something I'll regret. Apparently you keep a record book on your phone of the horrible things I say. No, just that one time; and they weren't horrible. Truth hurts sometimes. On this topic, at least from my standpoint, this is one of the most frustrating and maddening things you can do to your spouse. I get the idea to remove yourself from the situation. But it feels like a slap in the face. If I slapped you, you would know it. You probably walk away so you don't.
8. Keep your thoughts to yourself. While Jen tends to pretty much say things she thinks, I, to a fault, tend to go the other direction. I'm likely to not say things that probably need to be said. It may be my way to avoid further levels of confrontation. Are you scared of me? No. But I might be scared of what your reaction would be if I actually say what I think. Just that it might make you more angry. I actually get really upset when you won't tell me how you feel or what you're thinking. It's a one-sided fight, and that's very boring. I knew you enjoyed arguing with me. I enjoy winning.
9. Say things you'll be ashamed of later. Once it comes out, you can't take it back. It's been heard and internalized by your spouse. And as you said, things are hard to forget once they're heard. There needs to be a balance between telling the truth and not tearing the other person down. The truth hurts, but it shouldn't destroy. Nice one! You should put that quote in your coffee table book of inspirational quotes and photos. Well it's true. I have said a lot of things that I have been ashamed of after the fact. Not just to you, but to people in general. It might have been true at the time, but I could have said it in a way that was less destructive. Less deaffirming. Still not a word.
10. Go to bed angry. This is a big one for me. My sleep is terrible if we go to bed angry at each other. You seem to sleep fine though. There aren't too many things that keep me up at night. But this can be a challenge when you're not sure your spouse wants to resolve the dispute. You don't know if you don't try. You also don't get slapped if you don't try. A girl wants a man that will fight for her. Or, in your case, just fight her. I'm being serious here. I think it's something that we dream about as little kids, of having a spouse that will fight to make things right. I think part of that is also your personality in that you would prefer me to be more assertive at times, including in this area. Basically I'm trying to say be a man. Exactly. But there have been points during our long and arduous marriage (...eye roll...) where I have wanted to make amends but felt like you could care less because you could sleep through it no matter what. I can actually remember times where I cried myself to sleep. But that shows pridefulness on my part. I should have made the effort to make things right on my own instead of expecting you to step up to the plate. You are more likely to issue an apology the next day. It goes both ways for me. And you're more likely to issue an apology via a text message the next day, like today.

All touchy feely

I don’t know how it started, but I believe that this has always been a love language of mine. I loved cuddling with my parents as a kid. As a teenager, I enjoyed hugging and holding hands with boyfriends. Now that I am married and a mom, not much has changed. I love to hug on the boys and of course I love any physical interaction with my hubby. 

One thing I never expected was that my love language could also become my biggest irritant. Let me explain. It all started when I had our first born son, TJ. I decided early on that I would breastfeed him. I was nervous at first, but it grew on me and I grew to enjoy the special bonding time with him. As he grew older, he got handsy. Not in a weird way, but he would want to rub my neck, or just touch me in some way. After he weaned, he still would want to touch me in some way. After breastfeeding Reilly and Jase as well, I found they would do the same thing. They needed that physical touch to relax or soothe. 

Now, fast forward many years later and here I am spending a lot of my time at home with all my boys in close proximity. All of a sudden, I have 3 pairs of hands on me pretty much constantly. Someone is sitting on me, touching me while they talk, or I am having to touch them to get them to even realize I am talking to them. I am changing pull-ups, kissing boo boos, and tying shoes. By the time Anthony walks in the door at dinner time, he’s ready for a hug and a kiss. I am ready to head butt a hole in the wall because I have had my fill of touching people for the day. 

Now, let’s apply what’s happening here to a place that no couple really likes to talk about in the public arena—the bedroom. By the time I would lay down at night, Anthony would be interested in, uhhh, let’s call it cuddling. The last thing I wanted was another pair of hands anywhere on me. Imagine how that feels to him when he’s been basically been isolated from me all day and wants my attention. He feels rejected and undesirable. What he didn’t understand was that wasn’t what it was at all. 

When you live in a house with four men and everyone needs a piece of you—physical or not—it’s a tough balancing act. I have to love on my kids without giving so much away that there’s nothing left for Anthony. I have also had to learn that I have to “prepare” myself for even more touching on a day where I may feel like I have been touched by every person on the planet. My husband can’t suffer just because I have been touched too much in one day. 

The same thing goes for patience. I can’t use all my patience on the kids. That sounds terrible, but if I give every little bit of patience I have to the kids, there is nothing left for poor old Ant when he comes in the door and wants to talk about something I have no interest in whatsoever. He deserves better than that. I have to remember, one day, our kids will be out living lives of their own and it will just be me and him. If I don’t invest in us now, there won’t be an “us” to invest in later. 

Let’s be real. Your bedroom life suffers enough because of having kids. Obstacles like finding time or privacy are tough enough without adding other issues into the mix. I have learned to find ways to cut down on the touching during the day so that I am not so burned out when it’s Anthony’s turn for attention. Am I really good at this? Absolutely not. He will tell you. I still have days where I let him know I just don’t have it in me to be touched by one more person that day. I think he is more understanding now than he used to be, but until you spend a day in my shoes, it’s tough to realize how much physical contact there is during the day. 

Now this conversation could go different ways for different people. Consider the teaching profession. You give everything you have to the classroom all day long. You have had to swallow 5,000 sarcastic comments and have the patience of Job for too many hours. You get home and let that first sarcastic comment slip on poor Mr. Wonderful. Your patience leaves you when he lashes back at you. What about all you ladies working nightshifts at the hospital? Most likely you aren’t even on the same sleep schedule as your hubby. Finding the time to have any connection in the bedroom feels like a chore. It’s not just work from home moms who have been touched too much. It’s women everywhere who are trying to make a living, make a home, raise children, and still have some life outside of it all. 

Just because you are tired, overly touched, grouchy, impatient, or just stubborn doesn’t mean you can’t make the effort in the bedroom. Let me tell you, it’s proven that, uhhhh, cuddling relieves stress. Raise your hand if you are not a stressed out woman right now. Exactly, I don’t see any hands. We could all use a little stress relief. And honesty goes a long way as well. If there’s been a day where I just can’t make the effort, I let Anthony know. Sure he’s disappointed, but he knows that I will make up for it in the future. I’ll be completely honest with you. I can’t go very long without a physical connection with him. I need to be close and feel loved by him. I feel like it’s a need for survival. However, that requires effort on my part. I can’t expect him to be the only one making sacrifices and swallowing their pride (and sometimes all the other issues that I have had to deal with during the day). 

I encourage you ladies, no matter what issues you face this week, to make an effort to make more of an effort in the more private area of your home. Invest in your marriage—invest in your spouse. Find out his love language and speak it this week. Don’t let all the outside stressors of life detract from your fun and adventure in the bedroom. It’s time to take control of emotions and enjoy the person God has blessed us with. Cuddle my friends…..cuddle away.

Marriage is a call to die

Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Do you know what the Scriptures tell us Christ did for the church? Well, it says it right there in the latter part of verse 25. He gave Himself for her. He gave his life. He died for her. I was reading Disciplines of a Godly Man a couple of years ago, and this quote stood out to me.

"Marriage is a call to die, and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love to which he is called. Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are."

First of all, I highly recommend this book for all you fellas out there, and I have the hardback if anyone wants to borrow it. But you only get to borrow it if you want to be challenged with stuff like this. I mean, are you serious right here? When I got married, the challenge wasn't something like, don't forget to take out the trash occasionally. It wasn't tell your wife you love her sometimes. It wasn't let your wife control the remote every once in a while. It wasn't a command to put the toilet seat down or to clean your hair out of the bathtub or shower drain. Nope. None of that. It was...die. "Marriage is a call to die." Sounds pretty appealing, doesn't it? 

This is God's expectation, He could have picked any other example or analogy for how we should live our lives in relation to our wives, but the one He used is how God-in-the-flesh gave his life. He gave everything that he had and everything that He was for the church, the bride if Christ. How does a husband do that for his wife? I'm not sure I have the answer to that. Maybe if you read the book I recommended it will make some sense. What I know is that you have to think of her first. 

It's not something I've been great at over the years. I've always thought of me first, I think, and especially the first years of our marriage. I would make big deals out of silly stuff like getting to watch the college basketball game on TV. I was selfish in ways I'm not even going to talk about here. Sacrifice is not an easy thing. 

Let's take this one step further. Kids add another layer. I've talked about how much I enjoy doing radio for the basketball game. I was talking to a friend of mine about it the other day (it was good to see you Caleb!), and he said, "You really love it, don't you?" I told him I really enjoyed it for a number of reasons and that I'm passionate about it, and about doing it well. He's like me. If we're going to do something we're going to try to be the best. So, with that thought in mind, check this out...

You know what that is? That is my pride being crushed. That is dying. That is a schedule card that shows the games I will be on the radio. I thought my kids would be proud. That schedule card is on the kitchen floor to be trampled on, along with my heart and soul. I'm dead. (I should say that my wife and boys have been to many of the games I've been on radio and have listened in sometimes. And my boys have even joined me a couple of times, so they do support it.)

I'm being real here. It probably sounds silly, but it hurt a little, or a lot, for about 30 seconds. Then I remembered that it is not about me. This household that I am supposed to be leading has elements that are much more important than me. I can't focus on myself when those others need the attention, and support, and care. They need me to give my life. 

I want to reiterate, this is not something I'm good at. I have prayed countless times (Well, maybe it can be counted. Let's go with 387 times.) that God would show me that day, and every day what it means to die for my wife (and kids). What does that mean? It means my wife is more important than me. It means that her needs and wants and desires should come first. It means that she needs me to sacrifice for her. Marriage is a call to die.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Philippians 3:12 

Soul Mates - Myth or Truth?

"Webster's dictionary defines wedding as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Michael Scott is definitely our favorite. The real question is, where Phyllis and Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration soul mates? It's possible. Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines soul mate as a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. We've had this discussion a number of times. Is there just one person in the world that God has prepared for you, to enjoy life with you, and put up with you when you are an idiot? I'm not sure that I know the answer, but I will tell you this...I can't imagine living my life with anyone else than my beautiful bride.

I think the key word in the definition is "perfect." Can a spouse or significant other be perfectly suited for you? I don't believe in perfection. Obviously. If you haven't read it, go back and read our last blog post and you can see that I am not perfect at anything. But are you "perfectly suited to" me in temperament? I'm not sure temperament should be in the definition. What does that have to do with being soul mates? Well, then what is a soul mate? If it's not what the dictionary defines it as, then what is a soul mate to you? Before I answer that, I actually think we're pretty close to this definition. If we are defining soul mate based on temperament, ours are very different, but we are well suited to each other because we're opposites in that category. You complete me. <3 Please don't say that. Oh my gosh. 

But seriously, we do complement each other well in terms of our temperaments, I think. Well, I'm not sure I actually believe in the term soul mate if you go by what you said above. I am referring to the "one person just for you from God" part. Because, it doesn't take into consideration those who have spouses pass away or people who enter horrible relationships and are left alone and they end up finding someone else. Well, to my point above, I actually agree with you here. Are we done writing for the night? Just kidding. 

On a lot of my social media profile descriptions, I like to put "the one whom my soul loves." Related to me? No. Spiderman. You dingbat. I got confused. What is the significance of your word semantics? For me, being a soul mate would be loving with everything that you have, being committed through anything because we were paired for a purpose. Therefore, you would be the one that my soul loves, not necessarily believing in a "soul mate." And I know a lot of people who have been married a very long time whose temperaments are not equally opposite or not equally matched. 

To me, the idea of a soul mate makes it sound like everything is peaches and cream all the time. What is the significance of your word semantics? Clearly everyone in a relationship will have disagreements and challenges they face. When you hear that term does it not bring up that connotation in your mind like the couple is just a perfect match that was preordained by Almighty God Himself and could never have a problem? See, I totally disagree with you here. When I hear soul mate, I think of a long-fought, tough journey, where you've learned to connect in a way that other couples may not have. It's kind of like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. They started off really not liking each other and after a series of difficult events they moved past it and fell in love. Soul mate seems like it would be the example a deep, realistic relationship. I guess I think that because when you talk about your soul, it's a deep, hard to understand, sometimes painful mystery. (May I just say, speaking of deep, these are some deep thoughts from you right now. You are killing it on this blog, sleepy cough medicine and all. I think it's the cough medicine speaking through me. I also thought you were Spiderman. That's because I am, remember? I got bit by a black widow. Oh yeah.)

If we're going to talk about the idea of soul mates, we should really bring in the scripture that talks about how when a couple is married, the two shall become one. What is that one? Google it. (Thanks Tammy.) See Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:8, and Ephesians 5:31. I think we said we would do a blog at some point about the idea of a "one couple," but we need to research to find out which book that was. One of the examples of being a "one couple" is when you think the same thoughts at the same time. I like to say "one couple" a lot, and Jen likes to tell me to shut up. Shut up. So back to your use of the scripture? Well, I just thought we should mention it. Are you saying soul mates doesn't sound like it implies a one couple, or two that have become one? No, actually, I think it does. This idea that we were two and are now one, that sounds like a great definition of soul mates to me. 

According to God's design, you can't get any closer than being one flesh. Well, that sounds inappropriate. I think the biggest issue with soul mates is how people define the term. If you have some sappy, overly romantic, high expectations definition of the word, then you are going to be sorely disappointed. The same could be said of marriage. Good point. Back to the idea of being one, both participants in a marriage need to realize that it is no longer the individual that counts, but the set as one that is important. Make that effort to sacrifice self, now that makes you a soul mate.

So tell us your thoughts. What is your definition of a soul mate, and do you believe they exist? One couple. Shut up.

Fun is part of Happiness!

Jen and I had so much fun during the Facebook Live session last night. As I was thinking about what I was going to write about tonight, I looked at some photos I had snapped recently to remember ideas for future blog posts. I was looking through my photos saved on Google Photos, I looked back all the way to 2006. This reminiscing along with our time last night reminded me of one thing...Jen and I have a lot of fun together.

Yes, of course we used to have more fun time with just the two of us before we had kids, but we still do now. Whenever we have a chance to go out with just the two of us, we get a little goofy, just like we did last night.

What's interesting is that Jen has actually helped me a lot with this over the years. I've mostly been calm and reserved, the cool customer in life, not letting my emotions get too high or too low. But, you know what, sometimes it's okay to get excited about things and act like a kid again. I feel like I missed out on a lot of enjoyment because I was so calculated at times, or not wanting to get too high on the emotional roller coaster.

Even now she says I hate going to places like Disney. That's not true! I'm pretty pumped about it. I think it's going to be a great time, and I always look forward to opportunities to embarrass the boys. Like that time I got the whole Moe's restaurant to sing Happy Birthday to TJ. (Did anyone get that on video?) Classic.

Now, when we get a chance to have date night, we are usually one of two ways. Either we are both so tired that we're like zombies walking around or we're giddy like little school girls enjoying the opportunity to be what we used to be. Just the two of us.

The take away is this...never stop having fun with your spouse. It can only be good for you to enjoy your time together, even if that means walking down a sidewalk beside a major road in Philadelphia wearing matching plaid shorts. (To that end, I've added a few photos below that I enjoyed while thinking back on the fun times we've had.)

What are some of the ways you and your spouse still have fun even if you've been married many years and have kids around all the time? Leave a comment below, or comment on Facebook.

Small investment big return

It's 11 PM and we just got home from an exciting basketball game as Piedmont knocked off Maryville at home. I still don't like Maryville. (I wish it were easier to switch back and forth between text colors. Probably not a whole lot of people do that.) Maryville has the worst school colors ever. Maroon and orange are not a good combination. 

In any event, it's always fun when we beat Maryville. Jen's team did it often back in the day, but the men's team never did when I was playing. Yeah you should have said it's always fun when OTHER people beat Maryville since you never did. One thing that made this one even more fun for me is calling the game on the radio. I've been able to follow the team closely and get to watch them improve game by game, currently on a 7 game winning streak.

Having said all that, it is a pretty big time commitment for me. I'm doing both the men's and women's games, and there are I think 11 games in January, and I had games this past week on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. That means our kids have been either without their dad or at the gym. What's wrong with being at the gym? And it also means I don't have my personal chef for dinner. 

I have tried to get the boys involved a little. I've had the kids on the air a little bit, and they both have used the extra headset to listen in to large portions of the game. And they've really enjoyed it. In fact, Reilly is Chase England's biggest stalker...I mean fan.

But no matter what, it is still a struggle...maybe struggle isn't the right word...it's still difficult to manage the boys either at home or at the gym while he is enjoying himself so much. 

At first I wasn't a big fan of the idea (at first?). If you read my last blog post, I'm already spending a lot of time on my own with the kids So the added time of him being away is difficult for me. I talk to kids all day long.

Not to mention, if she brings the kids to the game, they are often going to bed really late. I think they just now all three fell asleep at 11:10 PM. (On a side note, we're not those really good parents that do a good job of keeping their kids on a schedule. If you're looking for advice on that, go read another blog. Or talk to Jacob and Robin Thome. They were always good at it,) What that means is that tomorrow they might struggle to get up and get focused in the morning. And what that means is they will be big pains in the hind-end tomorrow.

A few things to take away from this...

First, as Jen mentioned, she was not and probably is not a big fan of the time I've committed to this venture. But, she knows that I enjoy it. Maybe she thinks it's a stupid thing to enjoy, but she knows I do. I don't think it's stupid. That's not a nice thing to say. I don't think it's stupid...I just miss you. Hahaha! I literally laughed in her face. But in all seriousness, both of us have to be careful about things we choose to allow to take up our time. With Jen doing photography, our time together is even more limited since much of the sessions are done on weekends or after work hours.

I try to go with her as much as I can, especially on the weekends when the opportunity presents itself. And she tries to go to the games with me when she can, or if she can't she even sometimes listens to me on the radio and texts me to tell me my side comments are killing her. Well, that's because the comments are stupid. But this is the second take away...when your spouse enjoys something, even if you don't quite get why they enjoy it, try to support them, but more than that, try to participate with them in some way. I just want to point out here that I have no hobbies. What do you call LuLaRoe then? That's called an addiction.

Another take away from this that we learned a long time ago is that it is important to invest time in your marriage, or more importantly into each other.When we were first married, we spent a great deal of time apart due to both of us working long hours at our jobs. Yours was more fun. At the time we were not devoting much time into growing our relationship. I think we suffered because of that. Every day of our marriage is the new best day of my life. (...sigh...eye roll...) What he means to say is, we are a work in progress (key word...work), and part of that work is spending time with each other and learning about each other. For instance, when your wife tells you exactly what she wants for Christmas and you go out and do the opposite, you probably should spend more time learning about each other.

(Changing subject) I think it's important that, even though there are times when one spouse will do things apart from the family that most of the time is spent together. We pretty much do everything together. (This kids even like to try to join us when we're going to the bathroom. Can I write that? Sure. You should put when one of us goes to the bathroom, It sounds like we're all going to the bathroom.) Maybe our outside friendships suffer because of that, but that's not the most important thing in my view. It's possibly also because we don't have any friends. That's not true. But we make every effort to never spend nights apart and always have. 

In the end, your spouse is who you will end up with, and by investing your time and learning to enjoy what they enjoy, you're investing in a happier future for yourselves. And you know what they say, a happy wife is a happy life (do guys even read blogs?). 

Do you even blog, bro? (Please don't call it that.)

Jen and I have been discussing for quite a while the idea of doing a shared blog. We often chat (no probably more like sometimes) about different topics that we feel like we could share to help others. Or at least help them not feel so abnormal. I'm reading a book right now called Start by Jon Acuff. My mom gave it to me. It talks about, well, starting stuff. (This is where T.J gets his writing style from. Hey, some people like this kind of format. My bad.) Jen encouraged me that it was time to make this happen. And I'm always right. And I didn't need a book to tell me to start.

For those who don't know us, we are a family of five, four boys and a girl. Don't forget the two boy dogs. We currently homeschool all three of our kids but plan on sending two to school in the fall. I am a photographer serving Northeast Georgia. And you are... Oh. I am a Registrar at Piedmont College. Everyone knows what that is. Yeah. Right. I'm sure they do.

As we mentioned earlier, we really want this to be about encouraging others who may face similar challenges or feel like their lives are out of the ordinary. Well, we want to help people find happiness in the havoc, because that's what we're trying to do. We want people to know it's okay to be happy and crazy. I had some really great blog titles that got shot down. This one is good though.

My brother and sister-in-law (hi J.R. and Kayla) made fun of us for talking about pink and blue ears. It's from a book. What's it called again? Was it Cracking the Communication Code? It was back when were trying to better our relationship, before we figured out we just need to not read books. At least about marriage. But we figured we should write in code so people would know who was speaking and writing the blog (and to also irritate J.R. and Kayla).

Some posts will be a joint effort, such as this introductory one. Others will be posts that I or Jen write individually. Mine will always be more interesting and funny. I will always let Jen read mine before they are posted. She already read one I'm going to post and said it wasn't a blog but a book. Okay, maybe a short story.

There are already some posts available for your reading enjoyment. We consolidated our individual blogs, or really just re-posted everything. What we hope...(Reilly from the other room: I'm gonna kill you! Stop saying you're going to kill your brother.)...is that we can be honest in what we write. Our lives aren't perfect. We're not perfect as individuals, and when you put five imperfect individuals together, that's perfect imperfection. You like to say the words individuals and perfect. Why would you say that six times? She just proved my point. 

Is that all? You can catch our 365 project on Instagram @straightforwardmom. We will write, but we will also probably do some video blogs (that's called a vlog in case you aren't a nerd) or Facebook Live interactive sessions. If you have any topics you want us to chat about, let us know. I am full of useless information, especially about smartphones and Dave Ramsey.