Why did we get married?

Yes, that's a real question that I asked my wife. We were out on a "date night" recently when I said it. It was sort of a rhetorical question. I wasn't mad at the time. We weren't arguing. I wasn't yelling in Outback Steakhouse when I said it, like we were in the middle of a screaming fight and I screamed, "Why did we even get married???" It was a simple question I was posing to hopefully spur some thought. 

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago next to my wife. I was looking at my cell phone (It's an Android phone if anyone is interested. I went to the dark side a while back, mainly due to the price. Jen thinks it's a piece of crap. It kind of is, but it was only $49. And then I saw Ashley the other day, one of Jen's and my former players/students, and she couldn't believe I didn't have an iPhone anymore.) I looked at Jen and she was either looking at her iPhone or reading a book. She does both in bed, so I can't remember this time. 

At the moment I felt very disconnected from her. It wasn't like we weren't getting along or things were going bad. It just seemed as if we really had not been on the same page for a little while. So when we went to dinner one night a few days later, I popped the question. "Why did we get married?" She wasn't really sure what I meant, so I had to explain myself.

I know there are stages in life. Especially when you have kids involved, there are going to be periods, stages, cycles in life, whatever you want to call them, when you just do not feel close or connected to your spouse. Kids have a tendency to dominate our lives, as we've discussed before in blogs and videos. But even if you don't have kids, other things can potentially get in between you and your spouse. It might be TV, work, phones, friends, whatever.

So I asked the question because I wanted us to remember what it was that caused us to get married. In fact, Jen has also recently said she felt like we were not in sync, or that we were distant. It is so easy to get focused on so many other things that we forget to remember to connect with each other. I never want us to get to a point where the children, who obviously mean so much to us, take up so much attention and drive the activity in our lives that we can't be just Jen and Ant sometimes.

Part of this stream of thought stemmed from the road trip we took. It caused me to reminisce about the times when we would go on little trips together. The last time we had been in Philadelphia prior to this summer, it was just Jen and me. The Westminster brats had gathered up a ton of Wendy's cups for us when Wendy's was doing a promotion to give a way free AirTran flights. I don't remember how many cups it took, but they collected enough cups out of trash cans and dumpsters and from strangers to get us two free round-trip tickets to Philadelphia. We went and had such a blast. It also turns out that Jen was pregnant with TJ at the time, even though we didn't know it. 

We had season passes to Six Flags for two years. We went on a camping trip to Charleston, in the middle of summer, in a tent, and we had a campfire and also enjoyed a time share presentation for $75 worth of free meals and attractions. All of it my idea. We chaperoned high school field trips to Boston and Chicago. We flew to L.A. to visit my brother and sister-in-law, and visited the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. We went to Chattanooga and Savannah. We went camping a bunch of other times. I don't know what else we did, but it was a lot of fun. 

I got a little side tracked just now thinking about all the trips we took. But what I really want to make sure is that we don't forget that we had so much fun, just the two of us. We loved each other's company and were goofy and spontaneous. It's not that we don't enjoy each other's company now, but it tends to be different. I have to be careful now not to talk all about the budget or money. She has to be careful not to always talk about plans for the kids. 

So when I popped the question, I just wanted her to think about it. Why did we get married? Let's don't lose sight that we were once just the two of us. We have added so many blessings to the picture that enrich our lives daily. However, without us, there is no them. Without our love, there is no future here. Let's remember it, and invest in it, and make an effort to be the "one couple" I like to joke about. Now and always. 

Jen, if you're reading...I love you, and you're the funnest person I know.

This is Us

A typical day for us goes a little something like this.......

Anthony gets up first and reads his Bible and drinks a ridiculous amount of coffee. It's one cup. It's a rather large cup, but it's one cup. My alarm goes off right before he gets into the shower and I drag myself out of the bed. (I would like to add here that I recently have been getting up and doing my personal quiet time while he is in another room doing his. I have been horrible about this as I have become less of a morning person since the homeschool adventure with all the kids started.) We get dressed and right before I wake up the kids, I get a quick "I love you!," a kiss,  and he's out the door headed to work. We see each other (usually) at lunch time. We have an hour to catch up on the day so far and for me to unload to him about how rough my part of the day has been. Once again, he's out the door. He comes home about 5:30pm and he hits the kitchen while I work. We sit and eat. We typically do some kind of needed chore or run around with the kids for a bit and then hit the sack. Wasn't that the perfect day you dreamed about when you thought about getting married?

This is us, day in and day out. Some days we throw in a baseball or basketball game, church, time with extended family, or my not so favorite trip--Wal-mart. But for the most part, this is us.

When you are considering marriage as young adults, it seems so romantic and blissful. We were married straight out of college (literally in between semesters of our graduate program). I remember all the high hopes and great expectations I had walking into the whole situation. They all came crashing into reality the day we were married. I am not lying when I say I basically had a panic attack leaving the church on our way to our honeymoon. Everything hit me like a brick wall as I sat in the car next to this man I had just married, and the tears just came. I had left everything I had ever known behind at the church--everyone having a fantastic time, enjoying life, and eating my cake. Of course, Anthony was totally taken aback as I lost it for about 30 minutes or so. He may have been nervous that day, but he wasn't at all thinking about the past. He seemed totally ready for the future. That was us.

As time went on, I realized just how hard married life really is. I worked incredibly crazy hours at a job that was over 30 minutes away from him. Work was a big deal for both of us and we wanted to be the best we could. It's amazing how much that took a toll on our marriage. I look back now and I am ashamed that I put our relationship on the back burner during that crucial time. The first five years of marriage are insane. I don't think anyone ever really said that to us out loud. I think people hinted at it, but never said it straight out. I am saying it loud and clear. THE FIRST FIVE YEARS ARE CRAZY HARD. If you are reading this and you are in those years, definitely take time to get to know your spouse. Invest in your relationship because so many things come along after those first five years that you will never find the time to do it later. In those first years you learn so much about each other. Not just likes and dislikes, but hopes, dreams, preferences, secrets, etc. Looking back, I feel like I knew more about the lives of my students than I did about Anthony's. It wasn't because I cared for him less, I just gave most of my time and effort to my students. That was us.

To be completely honest, we hit a very tough time in our marriage about year 4. There were moments where I questioned what in the world I was doing! What had I gotten myself into? If you think about it, most people don't even date very long, so when you get a few years in, it's really like, "Uh-oh! I am really deep into this thing and there is no going back!" But you learn that love is a choice. I also realized that if I wanted to keep my marriage on the right track, I had to fight like crazy for it. There are constant attacks to try and destroy what you have built.

Later, kids come into the picture. It's a totally new ball game. That's when you realize you should have been investing more time in your marriage back in the day, before they came along! (There are days that I can't figure out what we did before we had kids! We must have been extremely lazy.) Time together alone lessens with each new addition. You wonder when you will ever sleep together again, much less get to "cuddle." Communicating with each other often consists of words that you would never have said to each other before. For instance, our conversations now include words like "pooped on my back" and "trucks in my hair." Romantic dinners consist of four men at the dining room table dressed in suits with big smiles. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing family life, but our couple time is limited. This is us.

Tomorrow (May 10th) will mark our 14th anniversary. Saying that out loud blows my mind. We have been on this journey for 14 years (well longer if you count how long we dated). Have I loved him every single day? No. Has he lived up to every single expectation? No. Has he ever made me so mad I wanted to pack up and go home? Yes. Have I ever wanted to give up? Yes. I think anyone who answers those questions differently at any stage of marriage is lying. We are human and love is a choice. We don't always make the right choices. I wish I could answer those questions differently, but I am human, and heaven help me, I am a woman.

As we celebrate 14 years, I wanted to share a few things that Anthony does to make us who we are. He is a godly man who makes mistakes and owns up to them. He tells me what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it (or I think he's wrong). He supports me even when I feel like a complete failure. He loves his children and he leads by example. He works hard at his job even when the reward may not be what he deserves. He loves people and has a heart the size of Texas. All of these things and more are what he does to make us the couple that you see in front of you every day. Yeah we may be frazzled, late, and have one child that is only wearing one shoe, or might be pulling his pants down in public, but we are together, happy, and working hard to be what God wants us to be. This is us, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Show me the money!

I have a problem. That's the first step to beating the problem, right? You have to admit it, or acknowledge it. At least I've made it that far. My problem is this...I let my job play a large part in my self-perception. To put it another way, my work to a significant degree is where I find my worth. I don't like it. I don't want it to be that way, but it is that way. And I don't think I'm alone.

I think to be more specific, I should say that it's not so much my job or my work generally. It is what I get paid for doing the aforementioned work. For whatever reason, I feel like my worth is directly related to how many numbers are on my paycheck. I'm guessing it's that way for a lot of men out there. It may be that way for women too, but I don't think is quite as prevalent in that way.

Many men feel like making money and providing for our families is what we are responsible for. It's why we're here. I can't help but think about comparisons. It's not right, and it leads to jealousy and, really, covetousness. Those are not positive things. But, here's the honest truth coming, I sometimes feel like less of a man since I don't make as much as the next guy. 

The truth is, I don't even know how much money you make! I make assumptions, and I think they're pretty accurate. Whether they are or not, it doesn't really matter. Surely I'm not the only one thinking this way. The truth is, it's tough for me sometimes to talk to other guys about things related to finances, because I can't help but feel an inadequacy when I know they make more money than me.

Don't get me wrong...I feel appreciated at my job. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now. And it's important to feel appreciated and valued in your work. This is especially true when your Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I have a very stable job that I actually really enjoy, and it's not like I make pennies. The benefits are pretty good, and I've been there for almost 14 years. That's a long time! I've never had a full-time job with another company or organization. But I always want to make more money. Don't we all? Sometimes I get down when I think about it, and my wife isn't a big fan of that.

What I should really find my worth in is Christ. I know that. He paid the debt for my sins, and nothing good in my life is here without Him. Every breath I breathe, every smile I see, every dollar I make, every bite of food I eat, every hug from my wife or kids is a blessing from God. I know that. I know I am blessed beyond measure, and I am so thankful. But I still feel like I fall short of expectations.

I should find worth in the family that I have that loves me so much. I can't imagine being more fortunate than I am in so many ways. My wife is amazing, incredible, and truly just what I need. My kids make me smile and give me purpose. I work as hard as I do for them. I want them to be blessed, and feel loved, and feel special. But no matter how much time I spend with them and invest in their lives, I often attribute more value to the paycheck that I bring home (Well, the voided paycheck. Does anyone not use direct deposit these days?)

I don't think there's just one reason why this is the case. There's no way to pinpoint a root cause. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to identify some of the reasons I think this is the case for me. Maybe it's the same or different for you. 

One reason is that it's how our economy works. In our culture, the more valuable you are to your employer the more you're supposed to get paid. I messed up in one regard by working for a nonprofit organization. It's not like banking or finance or commission sales. There aren't bonuses for good performance or saving the company money or bringing in extra revenue. And our culture says the more valuable you are in the marketplace the more money you will make. 

Another reason is that our family is trying to live the debt-free lifestyle. Borrower is slave to the lender. You've read that from me before. I don't want to be a slave. But is it possible that all that is for those who have at least at $100k household income? I just made up a number. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's bigger than ours. How can we buy the car we want or need with cash that doesn't already have 100k miles on it if we don't have the income to do it? See. My fault. I should be making more money. So I listen to the Dave Ramsey show all the time and hear over and over again not to borrow money on a stupid car that goes down in value. So I feel like a failure because I can't make that happen. 

Some people reading this might think I should just go get another job where I make more money. If I'm so valuable as an employee, surely I could go make more in the marketplace. If I was reading this, I might say the same thing. But there are reasons I don't. There are some great things about my job. I live less than 10 minutes from work. My wife loves that I get to come home for lunch pretty much every day, and so do I. I rarely have to work many extra hours (except when we are up for re-accreditation and I get an email from my boss at 4:45 PM that the review committee wants a bunch of data that needs to be compiled and analyzed and then presented the next morning at 8:30...David McMillion and I along with others made it happen). What's more is that there's a reason I am where I am, I believe. So maybe this is a form of a sacrifice I make in order to invest more time with my family and finish the work that I started 14 years ago.

I think another reason is that I want my wife to be proud. It probably doesn't change her perception of me. But apparently part of me thinks it would help.

That's all I can come up with as far as justifications for my thoughts, and those were of varying levels of legitimacy. I don't really know why I feel this way. It's something that I dwell on at times, and it's not good. This is not the best version of me. God is good, no matter what my salary is. My God is Jehovah Jireh, and He will sustain me and my family. I know that, in my mind and in my heart. But something keeps me focused on the wrong thing. 

I approach my work with a Colossians 3:23 mentality, and that's where it's at. That's where the reward is. May God grant me, and whoever else may be reading this and feeling and thinking the same things, the focus and diligence to set our minds on things above and not of this world. Those things are worth dwelling on. And may I every day place great importance on how those closest to me view my efforts. They will tell me the truth, and their love is of immeasurable value.

Cox Disney Vacation Day 1-2

We thought it would be fun to reflect and recap each day of our trip. This one will be a combination of the first two days. We left the house yesterday at about 3:30 to pick up our rental car. Jen's dad was going to ride with us to Oakwood and then drive our car back home. We have never rented a car before, but with the Pilot having 200k miles on it now, we thought it might be prudent (I knew you were going to use that word. You're such a nerd.) to spend $260 to avoid some of the risk of the car breaking down. We had rented Nissan Altima or similar. We got a Chevrolet Malibu LT, which is fine. It smeels a little like smoke, but the Dollar Tree air fresheners have helped.

Turns out this car has some auto-stop feature. The first time we noticed it was when we were sitting on the ramp at Spaghetti Junction trying to merge onto I-285. We were sitting still and the car engine just shut off. No one told us that was going to happen. Then I saw the tachometer had a label for auto-stop. I had heard Clark Howard talk about this one time, but I've never seen a car that has it. It's like gas powered golf cart. It shuts off while you're not moving. Then, when you let off the brake, the engine starts back up. I'll admit I thought for a second the car had died right there in ATL traffic.

We enjoyed a great visit with our buddies from college in Warner Robins. If you don't know Jeff Hames, you should. He gives the worlds best hugs. I have missed those hugs. We chose Burger King as the destination since they have three kids and we have three kids. It worked out beautifully. We had made a decision recently to try to see friends more, especially on trips. I'm glad we did. I hadn't seen them since college. Jen saw them a year or two ago taking photos. And you call me a hermit. 

We drove on to Valdosta and arrived at Country Inn and Suites for our night's stay. It was less than $100. I found the room on trivago.com after searching for a long time. Hotels were really expensive for some reason. Trivago was the only site that showed Groupon as the lowest price for this hotel. I don't know what trivago is. You should get out more. You're such a hermit. Groupon isn't listed on any other of the discount sites that I could tell. So I'm going to remember that in the future. 

It turned out that this place had a nice indoor swimming pool and hot tub. So after the decent breakfast we swam for a bit before we headed out. I am desperate, by the way, to find a hotel site that displays ONLY hotels with indoor swimming pools. When you have kids, it is a must in most cases. Also, Anthony is afraid of the sun, and I'm afraid of cold water. Fortunately the water was really warm. I did find one site a few years back that lets you add indoor pool as a search parameter, but now I can't remember what it is. Shocker. Shut up.

We headed out sometime after 11 and had the longest car ride in the history of the world. Well, it felt like it. The kids were awake for most of it. We went straight to Winter Summerland Miniature Golf Course at Disney. We had coupons to play that came with the vacation package. It was pretty neat. I had several hole-in-ones. You say holes-in-one. Whatever. I'll give you a hole in one.

After that, we went over to check into our hotel where we'll stay just tonight. It's a 4-start hotel called Caribe Royale we got on Priceline Express Deals. Sounds like a James Bond movie, doesn't it? I feel like I should have a fancy girl's name like Kitty Litter. It's pretty nice, but the cost for the room was $98 and the final cost went to about $150 after taxes and the "hotel fee." Still a pretty good deal for the hotel, the area, and a Saturday night near Disney. And it has a swimming pool with a water slide and a waterfall. 

We enjoyed those amenities for a bit, but with the wind blowing it was really chilly. Jen did not partake. I enjoyed covering myself with four towels. We went over to Disney Springs to look at some shops and planning to eat. it was so crowded we had do find a Moe's instead. It took a lot for me to convince Jen to go to Moe's. 

Tomorrow starts our Disney adventure at Disney's Hollywood Studios. The boys are really looking foward to it.

Finally, here's a section we like to call "Things they said." We'll do one with each post.

Things they said...

Reilly-When we were asking him to introduce himself to Jeff and Jen's kids: I'm not into it right now. (He had just woke up.)

Lady in the line next to me at the hotel's continental breakfast- She asked me how I was, and I replied and then asked how she was. She said: Very good. It's a nice day. You have a nice beard.

Jase-While swimming in the pool talking with Jen: Daddy's in the little tub and he's farting. (I was in the hot tub.)

Reilly-When he came out with a comb that flips out and Jen asked him where he got it: Daddy's little spy kit. (It's a manicure set.)

Anthony-As I'm looking at Google Maps and it shows time it will take to get a lift: Book an Uber with Goober Maps. (I meant Google.)

Jen-There's a cop up there. Ant: That's not a cop. That's a boat with a tarp. Jen: Well I saw the glare off the windows. Ant: You saw the windows on the boat?

Jase-After he got out of the pool this evening: Mommy, I have freeze bumps.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

There are a couple of things in life that can really try your patience. One of them is Windstream, and the other is having your hard drive crash. We were dealing with both of these phenomena this week. Well, Jen was suffering more from the Windstream issue, and it was my computer at work that had hard disk failure. Life gives us plenty of times to react in frustration, and those same experiences afford a chance to develop our patience.

Our Windstream internet has at times been really good. At times it's been really frustrating. Last week sometime it began to struggle quite mightily. It would literally take five minutes to load a basic web page. That tested our patience a bit. We called customer service and were told there was definitely an issue (Thank you for that, Windstream customer service person. I was previously unaware that there was an issue.) and that a service technician would need to visit. That was on Thursday, and a technician was scheduled for a Saturday visit.

The reminder call came on Friday to let me know that a technician would be starting work on Saturday between the hours of 8 AM and 7 PM. The technician was supposed to call before he came to the house. Without calling, he showed up around 3 PM I think. After a little work outside and a little work inside, he was stumped. He called for reinforcements. After another hour or so of work, we were told it was better and that they had one more thing to do and then all would be well. The internet worked pretty well after that, for about 16 hours or so. 

So I called back in on Monday and was told the ticket was still open and the issue would be resolved by 6 PM. That technician told Jen we had a problem with the wiring in the house and would need new wiring. He would have to complete it the next day. So today a different technician called and said he needed to drill a hole in the floor to run a new wire to eliminate the wiring issue as a problem. I said okay! He did that, and once he was finished around lunch time said it was working but that there was still a problem.

He referred it back to the experts who deal with the issues in the lines down the road. Two more technicians visited our home in the afternoon to say they had narrowed it down to an issue with one of the pins at the hub, they thought. So a total of six technicians later, they were still a little stumped. At this hour our internet is working, but I don't know if the full problem has been resolved.

Let me just say this about Windstream. The local people that work for the company are terrific people. In fact, we go to church with two of the technicians that helped us. And we know a couple of other folks who work there, and they are awesome individuals. One in particular is a friend who helps me out a lot and tracks what is going on. So the people are great. The product has been less than great over the years.

On Friday morning I arrived at work to this:

So that was fun! I've tried to keep everything saved on the network drive at work, so I didn't figure it would be a big deal. Of course anything I had saved on the hard drive was gone. I'm thinking many folks would have had a nervous breakdown here. It was okay in my case. But the IT guy (our IT guys are great, by the way) commented how much easier it was for him when I didn't explode in anger. That made me feel good.

People have told me I'm really patient. Sometimes I'm not, but it's usually when I'm not in public. I get frustrated with the kids, and, yes, even with my wife. Jen can tell you. I'm really not as patient as people think. I have outbursts occasionally, and I snap at the kids sometimes for no real reason. I have held screaming babies in the air and yelled in frustration. But the everyday situations, like the ones above, and like when you're in a restaurant and they clearly aren't serving well, are opportunities to show our kids how to be patient. They watch how we treat people. 

Oh, and you fathers out there, they watch how you treat your wife. This is something I have to really think about or I mess up royally. Here's the thing...there are going to be arguments in marriage. It happens, and it will happen occasionally probably forever. We talked the other day on our Facebook Live session how Jen doesn't want me to roll over in arguments because it makes her think I don't care. But, if I do engage in the spirited discussion, that can come across to my boys potentially in a way that appears that I'm not being loving. And if I'm not careful I might be modeling something that seems to make it okay to be disrespectful to your wife. So it's a balance. Not an easy balance like Karate Kid on that pole at the beach. A difficult balance like me trying to do a front flip on a balance beam. That kind.

Keeping a patient mindset helps me to keep my voice low and hopefully my tone appropriate. Jen believes my tone is always perfect, and I appreciate that she recognizes it (No, no she doesn't.). What we need to remember is that in all these situations, if we have kids, they are watching. They are learning. There's a saying that goes, "More is caught than taught." I think that is true in this case. The kids learn more from what we do in front of them than what we tell them to do.

I just asked T.J. and Reilly if they think Jen and I are patient. T.J.'s answer was "Sometimes." Reilly's answer was, "For three days, yes. For two days, no." I don't know what the latter means, but I'm thinking we have room for improvement.

Dear Horrible Mom

Dear Horrible Mom—

Yeah, I am talking to you. The mom who struggles with keeping a clean house while balancing a job and her family. The one who hates to cook and allows her husband to prepare meals. A crotchety, frustrated, spent mom who finally loses it at the end of the day and yells at her children (Okay, let’s be honest. It might be more like 9:30 am.) Sometimes I see you in the parking lot wrangling your crazy kids as they put every reflex, not to mention ounce of patience, to the test—and it fails. Other times I see you stressing over your time, trying to figure out if you have actually spent enough time just listening to your kids. You wonder if your husband even remembers your name, or what you look like for that matter. You really can’t keep up with every detail, no matter how hard you try.

Let’s face it—you are a real loser. Not just a loser, but a failure. You aren’t helping anyone—not your kids, not your husband, not your coworkers, not anyone. Your kids will grow up to be degenerate, unintelligent, disrespectful people. Your husband will finally look at you one day and realize just how far you have let yourself go. Your job will suffer to the point that no one would ever keep you on staff or hire you. Your church is completely devastated at your lack of participation and leadership. I could go on and on listing out your future disappointments.

At some point, you break. You cry into your pillow, your steering wheel, your laptop, or just whatever’s closest. Who could ever understand what you feel like? Who could put up with such a depressing, pathetic excuse for a mother, wife, friend, and wait…..I can’t even list the rest of the roles you place because it makes me tired.

The truth is that every woman on this planet in every era of history has taken a moment out of her day to label herself a horrible ____________. (You can fill in the blank—worker, wife, sister, friend, etc.) It’s almost like it’s in our DNA to be hard on ourselves. We are our own worst critics. I guarantee, in most cases, someone around you thinks that you are doing a great job. But why would a horrible mom listen to anything positive about the pitiful job she was doing?

I am about to get very real with you here. I am that horrible mom. My husband cooks in our household. Our house is in total chaos a majority of the time (Oh okay—all the time). My car looks like homeless cats probably live inside. Some days, I don’t want to be the best. All I want is to sleep. Maybe even without a foot in my eye socket. I look around at the chips on the floor, the laundry on the back of the couch, the sticky wetness on the door frame (what in the heck is that?) and literally think there is no more horrible mother than I. Forget the fact that I spend waayyy too much time working. I struggle trying to find a balance between my editing time for my job, instructing the boys for school, and just enjoying real face to face time with them. Did I hug them enough today? Did I grade that spelling test? Did I remember to edit that booger off that child’s face in the family picture? Yeah, I am a jumbled up mess some days.

It’s usually on the days where I feel like that horrible mom that I talk to another person who vents to me the exact same struggles that I have had that day and I smile. Relief floods over me and I realize, IT’S NOT JUST ME! I scream it on the inside, from the rooftops of my, uhhh, greater intestine maybe. I usually look her straight in the face and say “Preach sister.” That’s when I realize how important it is for women—not just moms—to be very careful of the social media trap. You know exactly what I am referring to. You can’t sleep (mainly because you are stressing over what you have to do tomorrow, or next week even) so you mindlessly open Pinterest. You scroll nonchalantly through the pins and you stop on that amazing article—How to Clean Your House in a Week (and keep it clean for eternity with 15 minute spot cleanings). Or maybe that article that should give you all the feels—500 Things You Should do With Your Toddler Before they grow up and go to Kindergarten. Or my personal favorite—30 Days to Weighing Exactly What you Think You Should Weigh (with a gorgeous butt). You see pictures of beautiful homes with playrooms that look like no child has ever been there. You see a list of things you should probably do with your kid that you couldn’t complete before he was 30. You glance over and realize that you couldn’t do those exercises even if it meant that someone would gift you a million dollars and do them for you. And don’t even get me started on Facebook. The statuses that haunt me look a little like this: “I completely cleaned my house, had 15 houseguests over for an absolutely awesome party, cheered my son as he threw a no hitter, and now it’s 9pm and I am crawling under the covers about to get it on with the man of my dreams.” We compare not only what we look like, but what we are doing, how we do it, and who did it on less sleep. Sometimes, it can even be the opposite. We compare who has the worst of it. You know the people who groan on and on about how bad their life is. Let’s just be real. Social media needs a good dose of reality and positivity. Is it okay to say that in the same sentence?

So let’s bring this letter back around. It’s time to change a few things horrible mom. First, it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself. I bet (well unless you have a teenager) if you ask your kids right now about the job you are doing, they would praise you. If you talked to a coworker, they would be able to highlight something you did right. Your husband could probably tell you some vital thing you did to keep the house running. We are way harder on ourselves than other people. It’s time we get out of the self-pity and get on the positive. We can’t encourage our kids to think positively about themselves and their bodies if we constantly exhibit the opposite.

Second, get out of the comparison game. It’s a no win situation. There will always be someone better out there. Photography actually taught me this. No matter how much I learn, no matter how much I improve, there will always be someone who is better at photography than me. Once I finally became okay with that, I was able to grow and accept my own work for what it was—mine. It’s the same with womanhood. There will always be a better mom, a better friend, a better wife—but your family, your friends, your coworkers accept you for you—failures and all.

Third, get real on social media. Had a kid poop down your back while you were working? Post it. House looks like a velociraptor had a house party? Post it. Turned an entire load of laundry blue? Post it. Why? Because you will get 50 responses from folks who had the same kind of day and will say, “It does get better. It happens to the best of us.” What should you not post? Keep all spouse rants, bullying, and hatefulness to yourself. Beating down someone else will NOT make you feel better about yourself.

And last, but certainly not least, let people compliment you. Don’t be like me horrible mom. When my husband tells me how much he appreciates me, I sometimes sigh in my head and think, “I bet you do. It meant you didn’t have to do it.” That’s a crappy attitude and there is no place for it (even during PMS). When someone at work compliments a project or someone who is competing with you for a job says something nice, don’t automatically dissect their compliments to find the sarcasm or hidden meanness. When the older lady in Walmart tells you how awesome your kids are behaving as you are quickly pulling your toddler’s pants back up (the ones he had pulled off and was swinging around his head like a lasso) and giving your other child the “put that down before I lose it” look—smile, hug her, and cry on her shoulder. Some of them haven’t forgotten what it was like to be in your shoes.

All this to say, horrible mom, that you are not so horrible. You are an amazing creature that juggles like a clown, is faster than the Flash, needs less sleep than Elf, saves more days than Wonder Woman, and loves more than any person on earth. That in itself is not so bad.

Sincerely Yours,
A Horrible Mom

Fun is part of Happiness!

Jen and I had so much fun during the Facebook Live session last night. As I was thinking about what I was going to write about tonight, I looked at some photos I had snapped recently to remember ideas for future blog posts. I was looking through my photos saved on Google Photos, I looked back all the way to 2006. This reminiscing along with our time last night reminded me of one thing...Jen and I have a lot of fun together.

Yes, of course we used to have more fun time with just the two of us before we had kids, but we still do now. Whenever we have a chance to go out with just the two of us, we get a little goofy, just like we did last night.

What's interesting is that Jen has actually helped me a lot with this over the years. I've mostly been calm and reserved, the cool customer in life, not letting my emotions get too high or too low. But, you know what, sometimes it's okay to get excited about things and act like a kid again. I feel like I missed out on a lot of enjoyment because I was so calculated at times, or not wanting to get too high on the emotional roller coaster.

Even now she says I hate going to places like Disney. That's not true! I'm pretty pumped about it. I think it's going to be a great time, and I always look forward to opportunities to embarrass the boys. Like that time I got the whole Moe's restaurant to sing Happy Birthday to TJ. (Did anyone get that on video?) Classic.

Now, when we get a chance to have date night, we are usually one of two ways. Either we are both so tired that we're like zombies walking around or we're giddy like little school girls enjoying the opportunity to be what we used to be. Just the two of us.

The take away is this...never stop having fun with your spouse. It can only be good for you to enjoy your time together, even if that means walking down a sidewalk beside a major road in Philadelphia wearing matching plaid shorts. (To that end, I've added a few photos below that I enjoyed while thinking back on the fun times we've had.)

What are some of the ways you and your spouse still have fun even if you've been married many years and have kids around all the time? Leave a comment below, or comment on Facebook.

Nah...I'm good.

“You sure do have your hands full!” I usually hear it once a day at least. “Boy, I bet you’re ready for a girl.” Um……..okay. “Going for number four to get a girl right?” It’s usually at this point that my eyes start to roll, I smile and walk away. 

 

Every place I go, whether I have two of the boys or all three, someone makes a comment. I would wager that 95% of the time it is something about having my hands full or about my prospects for a future daughter. Only about 5% of the time is it someone stopping to tell me how great being a boy mom is or how well behaved my boys are at the moment. 

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start. I have no secret yearning for a daughter. My mom can tell you, I wasn’t the typical girl growing up. I was a tomboy from probably day one. In our house we had a mix of My Little Ponies that were ridden by G.I. Joes (For anyone who has tried this, you can back me up on how hard of a task it is to get those legs on those horses. They were not meant for riding!). My sister and I had a love of Silverhawks and Voltron. Instead of a Barbie house, we had a Thundercat Castle. It’s just the way we were. Oh, my poor mom tried to help us embrace our more feminine side by throwing on the big frilly dresses and forcing us to wear jewelry here and there, but we always came out on the other side just as tomboyish as ever. 

Fast forward about twenty years later to my first child. I wanted a boy. I wanted one so bad it hurt. When I found out TJ was on his way, I couldn’t have been happier. A few years later, I was pumped to find out Reilly was coming. As we approached the arrival of Jase, I got incredibly nervous. What if this was a girl? What would I do with her? I don’t brush my own hair all of the time so what was I going to do with a daughter? All those adorable boy clothes and shoes were going to be wasted. My pregnancy was very different from the other two and Anthony just knew we were having a girl. We found out due to some complications that Jase was a boy fairly early. I was relieved. I was still queen of this castle baby!

I know some moms dream about having a daughter—and that’s awesome! I have an awesome niece that I dote on any chance I get. She’s as close as I ever want to be to having a girl. Now, had the Lord blessed us with a girl, I know I would have learned to deal with my fears. However, I think the Lord knew exactly what he was doing when he sent TJ, Reilly, and Jase to us. I am just a boy mom and I am okay with that. It’s my comfort zone. It’s my happy place. 

So it makes it really irritating when I go out in public and people make these little backhanded comments. Sure, no one means them in a hateful or mean way (I hope), but they are a little insulting in my opinion. I have always felt like it’s the Devil’s way of getting me to question my contentment with what God has given me. “Are you sure you have never wanted a girl? I mean, look at your boys! That one is climbing onto the shelves of dog food like a monkey! And that one, he is telling that man that he looks super old! And the littlest one is taking his pants off in the buggy when he knows he has pooped and smells like the back end of a warthog. Don’t you wish God had just slipped one little girl in there to bring some calmness to the chaos?” Nah…..I am good. 

I always find it funny when I am in a store and I pass by people talking to moms with just girls. You hear comments like, “Oh, she is just so pretty!” Or my favorite, “Look how she’s just sitting there so nicely being all shy.” (This is my favorite mainly because my kids are hanging off the sides of the buggy like crazy lunatics—not so nicely I guess.) Never once have I passed one of these situations where the person was saying, “Wow! Don’t you wish you had a little boy to spice up your world?” I have to admit, I have thought about it a time or two, just to see what kind of response I would get. I have not done it though because of how much I hate that comment. 

Even my grandmother (whom I love dearly and have a great relationship with) commented, “You don’t at all wish you had a little girl? Don’t you have that desire to have one?” I know she didn’t mean to sound like I was a crazy person for wanting this life, but her tone was so…….shocked. I politely told her no and went into detail about why I am a much better mother to boys than I would ever be to a girl. As much as I love my niece Jo Jo, I know that Jessica is a great girl mom. She’s better built for that life. 

I love going into a grocery store (or any store really) and passing another boy mom. You kind of nod your head at each other knowing without a word—respect to you my friend. I saw a shirt once that said, “Boymom—It’s not a description, it’s an experience.” That’s the honest to goodness truth. It’s something that you can only understand by living it. I am sure that being a girl mom is the same way.

Here’s my suggestion to you. The next time you see a person with all the same sex kids, please don’t ask the question about wanting a different life. Assume that they love everything about their awesome little existence and instead say something encouraging. Try, “You are doing a fantastic job and I know you couldn’t wish for better blessings.” You can even say, “Way to go! You must work really hard to raise such great kids (even if those kids aren’t being so great at the moment and are punching each other into next year).” Instead of asking someone to question their contentment, encourage them to focus on the blessing. You might just get a big smile and high five. Or in our case, several high fives that might be a little sticky.