Show me the money!

I have a problem. That's the first step to beating the problem, right? You have to admit it, or acknowledge it. At least I've made it that far. My problem is this...I let my job play a large part in my self-perception. To put it another way, my work to a significant degree is where I find my worth. I don't like it. I don't want it to be that way, but it is that way. And I don't think I'm alone.

I think to be more specific, I should say that it's not so much my job or my work generally. It is what I get paid for doing the aforementioned work. For whatever reason, I feel like my worth is directly related to how many numbers are on my paycheck. I'm guessing it's that way for a lot of men out there. It may be that way for women too, but I don't think is quite as prevalent in that way.

Many men feel like making money and providing for our families is what we are responsible for. It's why we're here. I can't help but think about comparisons. It's not right, and it leads to jealousy and, really, covetousness. Those are not positive things. But, here's the honest truth coming, I sometimes feel like less of a man since I don't make as much as the next guy. 

The truth is, I don't even know how much money you make! I make assumptions, and I think they're pretty accurate. Whether they are or not, it doesn't really matter. Surely I'm not the only one thinking this way. The truth is, it's tough for me sometimes to talk to other guys about things related to finances, because I can't help but feel an inadequacy when I know they make more money than me.

Don't get me wrong...I feel appreciated at my job. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now. And it's important to feel appreciated and valued in your work. This is especially true when your Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I have a very stable job that I actually really enjoy, and it's not like I make pennies. The benefits are pretty good, and I've been there for almost 14 years. That's a long time! I've never had a full-time job with another company or organization. But I always want to make more money. Don't we all? Sometimes I get down when I think about it, and my wife isn't a big fan of that.

What I should really find my worth in is Christ. I know that. He paid the debt for my sins, and nothing good in my life is here without Him. Every breath I breathe, every smile I see, every dollar I make, every bite of food I eat, every hug from my wife or kids is a blessing from God. I know that. I know I am blessed beyond measure, and I am so thankful. But I still feel like I fall short of expectations.

I should find worth in the family that I have that loves me so much. I can't imagine being more fortunate than I am in so many ways. My wife is amazing, incredible, and truly just what I need. My kids make me smile and give me purpose. I work as hard as I do for them. I want them to be blessed, and feel loved, and feel special. But no matter how much time I spend with them and invest in their lives, I often attribute more value to the paycheck that I bring home (Well, the voided paycheck. Does anyone not use direct deposit these days?)

I don't think there's just one reason why this is the case. There's no way to pinpoint a root cause. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to identify some of the reasons I think this is the case for me. Maybe it's the same or different for you. 

One reason is that it's how our economy works. In our culture, the more valuable you are to your employer the more you're supposed to get paid. I messed up in one regard by working for a nonprofit organization. It's not like banking or finance or commission sales. There aren't bonuses for good performance or saving the company money or bringing in extra revenue. And our culture says the more valuable you are in the marketplace the more money you will make. 

Another reason is that our family is trying to live the debt-free lifestyle. Borrower is slave to the lender. You've read that from me before. I don't want to be a slave. But is it possible that all that is for those who have at least at $100k household income? I just made up a number. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's bigger than ours. How can we buy the car we want or need with cash that doesn't already have 100k miles on it if we don't have the income to do it? See. My fault. I should be making more money. So I listen to the Dave Ramsey show all the time and hear over and over again not to borrow money on a stupid car that goes down in value. So I feel like a failure because I can't make that happen. 

Some people reading this might think I should just go get another job where I make more money. If I'm so valuable as an employee, surely I could go make more in the marketplace. If I was reading this, I might say the same thing. But there are reasons I don't. There are some great things about my job. I live less than 10 minutes from work. My wife loves that I get to come home for lunch pretty much every day, and so do I. I rarely have to work many extra hours (except when we are up for re-accreditation and I get an email from my boss at 4:45 PM that the review committee wants a bunch of data that needs to be compiled and analyzed and then presented the next morning at 8:30...David McMillion and I along with others made it happen). What's more is that there's a reason I am where I am, I believe. So maybe this is a form of a sacrifice I make in order to invest more time with my family and finish the work that I started 14 years ago.

I think another reason is that I want my wife to be proud. It probably doesn't change her perception of me. But apparently part of me thinks it would help.

That's all I can come up with as far as justifications for my thoughts, and those were of varying levels of legitimacy. I don't really know why I feel this way. It's something that I dwell on at times, and it's not good. This is not the best version of me. God is good, no matter what my salary is. My God is Jehovah Jireh, and He will sustain me and my family. I know that, in my mind and in my heart. But something keeps me focused on the wrong thing. 

I approach my work with a Colossians 3:23 mentality, and that's where it's at. That's where the reward is. May God grant me, and whoever else may be reading this and feeling and thinking the same things, the focus and diligence to set our minds on things above and not of this world. Those things are worth dwelling on. And may I every day place great importance on how those closest to me view my efforts. They will tell me the truth, and their love is of immeasurable value.

Losing what I wanted finding what I needed

The last time I felt confident that I knew the direction my life was headed, I was 23 years old. I was at my ideal weight, happily married (or so I thought—it definitely gets better with time), ready to start teaching, and wanting to change the lives of students in the Christian school at which I had almost missed my wedding rehearsal to interview for (that’s another blog post for another time). I enjoyed everything about teaching and coaching. I worked ridiculously long hours and invested everything I had into the job and the kids. I felt like I was doing exactly what I had been called to do. 

Four years in, we decided we were ready for kids. I thought I was ready until the pregnancy test read positive. I will never forget crying like a baby in total shock and absolute fear. I wasn’t sad or upset, just terrified about the whole experience—from labor and delivery to being a mother. (Plus, everyone kept telling me it would take months. I thought I would have time to prepare myself for this.) Once the shock wore off, I was fine and along came TJ. It was a hard decision, but I decided to leave full-time teaching. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but hoped God would provide. 

Two months in, I started feeling claustrophobic. I was nursing exclusively and I felt overwhelmed—like I never did anything but change diapers and nurse a baby. When TJ was three months, I went back to working at a school part-time. I enjoyed it and ended up back in the classroom where I thought I wanted to be. I didn’t coach during my part-time experience and I missed it so bad it literally hurt. Then we found out Reilly was on the way. At that point, my grandparents were taking care of TJ while I was at work, and I knew I couldn’t ask them to keep a toddler and a baby while I went back to work. After Reilly was born, we made the decision for me to be at home full-time. 

To be honest, I was scared to death. The old feelings of claustrophobia returned, except now, I was not only nursing a baby, I was trying to raise a toddler. So many questions and fears popped into my head. How were we going to make it financially without a second income? How will I keep my sanity? Will I lose myself? I had lost basketball, was God going to take teaching away from me now too? Who was I if I wasn’t a teacher or a coach? 

I didn’t have answers for any of these questions, but just plowed on ahead. I felt like at some point, God would have to provide. Not too long after leaving my job, Leapforce (a legit work from home opportunity) became my way to contribute to our income. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but it brought in what we needed to survive and I was okay with that. I remember thinking, “Okay God, you put this job in my lap so that takes care of one of my questions, but I don’t want to do this forever. I am not passionate about this.” I kind of felt like I was losing everything I had worked so hard for in college.

And then, it happened. Anthony bought me a camera for Christmas (wayyyy too much money to spend on me for sure, but had he not, I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing today). I started taking pictures of the kids. I loved it—they thought I was nuts. I brought the camera with me all the time. After a while, friends started asking me to bring my camera to birthday parties or to photograph their kids. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into at the time. 

I found myself building a small business, doing a part-time job, and homeschooling one child. The stress was incredible. Once again, I found myself asking God—“What in the world am I doing?” I second guessed myself at every turn. I looked around at other photographers and wondered why anyone came to me for the experience. I saw only my deficiencies as a teacher to an elementary student (there was a reason I had decided to teach high school). My regular job evaluations left me wondering why in the world I even bothered to keep it up. In other words, I felt lacking at every turn. I didn’t understand where I was in life and where it was headed. 

Flash forward to December 2015. My husband sat me down and told me he thought it was time I stepped out on faith and left Leapforce to pursue photography. I shared with him some of my fears. What if I let go of that paycheck I could count on and no one hired me? What if people decided I wasn’t worth it? He didn’t flinch. He told me he felt like it was time. Here I was again, in front of God, but with a different question. Why didn’t I feel peace about this the way Anthony did? Why didn’t I feel like I knew what direction my life was taking? After talking to other family members about my situation, I made the decision to quit Leapforce. It was extremely difficult. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am crazy about financial stability. 

It was in the months to come that God revealed to me that Anthony had helped me make the right decision (one day I will write about my growth in allowing Anthony to help me). The stress of three jobs was really more than I thought, and even though I added another child to the homeschool craziness, other things fell into place. My God showed me throughout last year that even though I may not be sure of the path, He always knows where I am going. When my confidence in myself fails, He is there to remind me that I am His child and He cares about the direction of my life. 

I have slowly come to terms with not knowing where my life is headed. It has become an adventure to me to see what will be behind the next bend in the road. I have stopped looking at not being in the classroom or getting to coach as “losses.” I still get to teach, just in a difference capacity. I get to see the results of all the long hours of coaching as I interact with former players through photography. (It is amazing to photograph so many of their growing families!) God didn’t take those things away from me. He just had something else for me to do. Who knows? He might pull me back into the classroom or onto the basketball court one day. For right now, I am learning to enjoy the journey no matter where it might lead.