Why did we get married?

Yes, that's a real question that I asked my wife. We were out on a "date night" recently when I said it. It was sort of a rhetorical question. I wasn't mad at the time. We weren't arguing. I wasn't yelling in Outback Steakhouse when I said it, like we were in the middle of a screaming fight and I screamed, "Why did we even get married???" It was a simple question I was posing to hopefully spur some thought. 

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago next to my wife. I was looking at my cell phone (It's an Android phone if anyone is interested. I went to the dark side a while back, mainly due to the price. Jen thinks it's a piece of crap. It kind of is, but it was only $49. And then I saw Ashley the other day, one of Jen's and my former players/students, and she couldn't believe I didn't have an iPhone anymore.) I looked at Jen and she was either looking at her iPhone or reading a book. She does both in bed, so I can't remember this time. 

At the moment I felt very disconnected from her. It wasn't like we weren't getting along or things were going bad. It just seemed as if we really had not been on the same page for a little while. So when we went to dinner one night a few days later, I popped the question. "Why did we get married?" She wasn't really sure what I meant, so I had to explain myself.

I know there are stages in life. Especially when you have kids involved, there are going to be periods, stages, cycles in life, whatever you want to call them, when you just do not feel close or connected to your spouse. Kids have a tendency to dominate our lives, as we've discussed before in blogs and videos. But even if you don't have kids, other things can potentially get in between you and your spouse. It might be TV, work, phones, friends, whatever.

So I asked the question because I wanted us to remember what it was that caused us to get married. In fact, Jen has also recently said she felt like we were not in sync, or that we were distant. It is so easy to get focused on so many other things that we forget to remember to connect with each other. I never want us to get to a point where the children, who obviously mean so much to us, take up so much attention and drive the activity in our lives that we can't be just Jen and Ant sometimes.

Part of this stream of thought stemmed from the road trip we took. It caused me to reminisce about the times when we would go on little trips together. The last time we had been in Philadelphia prior to this summer, it was just Jen and me. The Westminster brats had gathered up a ton of Wendy's cups for us when Wendy's was doing a promotion to give a way free AirTran flights. I don't remember how many cups it took, but they collected enough cups out of trash cans and dumpsters and from strangers to get us two free round-trip tickets to Philadelphia. We went and had such a blast. It also turns out that Jen was pregnant with TJ at the time, even though we didn't know it. 

We had season passes to Six Flags for two years. We went on a camping trip to Charleston, in the middle of summer, in a tent, and we had a campfire and also enjoyed a time share presentation for $75 worth of free meals and attractions. All of it my idea. We chaperoned high school field trips to Boston and Chicago. We flew to L.A. to visit my brother and sister-in-law, and visited the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. We went to Chattanooga and Savannah. We went camping a bunch of other times. I don't know what else we did, but it was a lot of fun. 

I got a little side tracked just now thinking about all the trips we took. But what I really want to make sure is that we don't forget that we had so much fun, just the two of us. We loved each other's company and were goofy and spontaneous. It's not that we don't enjoy each other's company now, but it tends to be different. I have to be careful now not to talk all about the budget or money. She has to be careful not to always talk about plans for the kids. 

So when I popped the question, I just wanted her to think about it. Why did we get married? Let's don't lose sight that we were once just the two of us. We have added so many blessings to the picture that enrich our lives daily. However, without us, there is no them. Without our love, there is no future here. Let's remember it, and invest in it, and make an effort to be the "one couple" I like to joke about. Now and always. 

Jen, if you're reading...I love you, and you're the funnest person I know.

Learning to Put on My Big Girl Panties

Have you ever felt like everything you touched was ruined? Sort of like King Midas, but way, way worse? That has been my week in a nutshell. If I was involved with it, it felt like it fell apart. I really began to think God was mad at me.

As some of you have already heard, someone took my money pouch on Saturday with all my session fees for Easter Minis. I was devastated. I can't tell you how tired I was and how hard I worked to get all that together. In my mind, God was punishing me. I was spending too much time doing things like that and not enough time with my kids. I wasn't a good enough mom. I worried too much about money and some upcoming expenses we had coming up. I didn't trust Him enough to take care of us, so this was His way of saying I should be better at trusting Him.

All through the night Saturday, I woke up with panic attacks. My poor husband finally about shook me and said, "You have to let this go!" I think the poor guy just needed sleep. I punched a few walls, screamed on my knees at the ceiling, kicked one of my Easter totes, and bawled like a baby. I felt like my insides were turning inside out.

I have questioned God about a thousand times. I know some of you are thinking, "It was just money." It was just money, but to me, it was more than that. It was about working toward a goal I had set in my mind. It was about trying to keep to our debt free goal. It was about contributing to the family and helping keep us on track. It was about security.

For those of you who know me fairly well, I am a pretty self-confident person. When it comes to being me and who I am as a person, I am confident in that. I have been for quite some time. I don't care if you don't like how I dress or that I speak my mind. However, when it comes to stability in my life and consistency, I kind of fall apart. For instance, for years I stressed over Christmas. Putting things on a credit card and having enough to purchase what we needed drove me crazy. I love Christmas and it is important to me. Anthony and I came up with a plan that each year we would take some of our tax return and create a Christmas account. That way, I could purchase all through the year when the prices were good and I could always know how much was left in the budget. Christmas was safe.

I am also kind of a crazy scrooge when it comes to money as well. Letting go of money to purchase things--even if we need it--is hard for me. (You should be a fly on the wall in some of our family discussions.) Well, I take that back. If it's for the kids it's not as difficult. As many of you saw, we visited Disney for five days earlier in the month. I literally saved from 2011 until this year for us to go on that trip. At the time, I was also saving to build myself a storage closet for props, new equipment and more. The Disney saving usually took a backseat to things we needed more, hence why it took me so long. In my mind, I even wondered if God was punishing me for wasting money on that trip. Maybe He thought I could have put it to better use?

Once I came to grips with losing the money, I realized something else had happened the day it went missing. On Sunday, I had a regularly planned session with a wonderful family with whom I have shot several times. I know them and am completely at ease with them. We had planned to meet in a parking lot of a restaurant. While I was waiting on them, I felt anxious. I felt like I needed to be aware of my surroundings. And by all means, I needed to keep my windows up and my doors locked. As most of you know Sunday was beautiful and I was pretty sweaty in the car with the windows up. The same feeling started to surface on Tuesday when I went to shoot a set of school portraits for a local preschool. There were workers milling around working on the buildings and I found myself constantly looking over at my car where I had strategically hid my purse under the 5,000 jackets that I found in the floorboard.

I felt scared. I felt panicky. Even though in both situations I knew I was going to be in the presence of people I felt comfortable with, I felt uneasy.

About seven months ago, I had my car broken into. I felt violated and angry. I felt the same uneasiness and anxiety that I feel now. It took me months to get comfortable. I don't want it to be like that again. I hate being scared and uneasy. My anxiety already causes a good bit of that anyhow, but having to deal with events that push it to the limits, it makes me very tired.

The hits kept on coming this weekend. After getting hardly any sleep and feeling like I had been hit by a truck, on Sunday I wake up to the sound of someone vomiting in the floor. Poor Jase stood there outside my bedroom door with his little puke puddle. I have to admit, I looked at the ceiling and said out loud, "Do you hate me? Am I really that bad of a person?" Luckily, we came to realize that it was most likely drainage from his allergies which the poor kid has been fighting for weeks now it seems. However, I still felt like I couldn't catch a break.

Monday, my dog walks into my office and pees on the rug. Tuesday, I didn't bring something I needed to a session. Today, I realized I emailed someone the wrong thing and my computer starts acting like it's on the blink. I have to admit, through all this, I kept asking God what it was that I had done that had offended Him so much that I needed to suffer through all this.

As I sit here tonight writing all of this, I am reading one of my Dad's texts to me from Monday.

".....I can say without reservation GOD does love YOU and has blessed you bountifully. God did not cause this but allowed it. What you have to focus on is what is he teaching me as an individual, as a parent, as a friend. There will be more to come. Navigate through this. Learn what you can, that way you can be a better help to someone else because of it."

Ouch. So yes, apparently I need to put my big girl panties on and learn from what I am going through. In the end, if it helps me help someone else one day, shouldn't I be okay with that? I have always thought my parents were wise, but this one really hit home for me. I have been so focused on God punishing me that I hadn't focused on what blessings I had! Suddenly, that plaque that my grandma has hanging in her bathroom about the footsteps in the sand really made sense. This weekend, God was carrying me because I wasn't walking along in my own strength. My strength was gone.

You might be thinking like I was at first--What do I really have to be thankful for right now? To be honest, I wasn't grateful for one stinking thing when I lost it over realizing the bag was gone. But after getting that text, I have tried to put things in perspective and be grateful. In both situations where I have lost something, I have never been personally attacked. I haven't be forced at gunpoint to give up something. No one has physically harmed me. In both situations, not one piece of my camera equipment was touched. (Apparently, God thinks I should keep doing this as a job.) I still have a way to continue providing for my family with that in my possession. None of my clients were harmed and the sweet goats were just fine. My master schedule which has every date I have booked logged, was recovered from the grass. (It was attached to my money bag.) I could have had to dig through hundreds of emails and messages to recover all of that information--talk about time consuming. As I have sat down to count my blessings, the list gets a little longer.

So am I still angry and questioning God? Still asking questions, yes, but angry, no. To be honest, if I am being punished by anybody, it's probably Satan and his buddies. Anthony and I have been really trying to use this blog and our videos on Friday nights to encourage others and lift the spirits of our friends and family. I have found that when you are doing something positive, that's generally when things gets tough. Satan doesn't want us to continue to be an encouragement. And if that's true, what's the best way to shut us up? Hand out some really crappy times and situations. Maybe that's why God allowed all of this to happen. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to learn. It could be that my dad is right and that there are people out there who need to hear that I have been struggling with these events and that I am fighting to get over it. And I will get over it with the help of a loving heavenly Father.

Before I close, I do want to say thank you to every person who has called to say something kind, stopped by to give me a hug, emailed a word of encouragement, or who has offered to help in any way. I know I say this a lot, but I have some of the best clients in the whole entire world. You guys are more than clients--you are my friends. You have shown me that you care about my mental health and my family. Each of your families are blessings I counted when I sat down to reevaluate my situation. If I ever get the opportunity to do the same for you, you better believe I will.                      

This one's about me

I've been pretty selfish over the course of my life.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.  Even the title of this post is about me.  Examining or taking an inventory of my own thoughts can reveal a lot about who I am and the condition of my heart.  My thoughts and intentions have often been focused on what I can do to make myself feel better, or impress others, or deflect criticism and blame.  I know there are times that are worse than others.  The trouble is that it's difficult for me to see while it's taking place.  When I'm worried so much about myself, for whatever reason I don't realize it.  Sometimes it takes someone else to call me out on it.

It's certainly not that I want to worry only about myself.  I think I even do things for others that could appear to be unselfish to someone else but are really in some way designed to benefit me.  And I probably even feel like I'm thinking of others in those actions.  For some reason I can't help it.  I suppose it's part of human nature.  Having said that, I'm pretty sure God wants me to let Him worry about me.  I'm pretty sure He wants me to be focused outward, on others.

Here's a few reasons...

When I think about others and not so much about myself, it makes my life a lot more enjoyable.  When I focus on me, and think about me, and dwell on my situation, it tends to cause me to sulk and feel sorry for me.  When I think about others it causes me to share in their joys and stand with them in their sorrows.  Even in sorrows, there's much more peace in supporting others.

When I think about myself, I am most likely missing an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.  God puts me in places, in my job, in my church, at the grocery store, to minister to and bless others.  Dwelling on my state of affairs totally blinds me to the opportunities to help others and show them God's love.  Shame on me for this.  Someone around me may not receive something good that Almighty God has for them because of my selfishness.

This last one is the worst.  When I am focused on me and not others, there's a really good chance that I'm robbing someone else of their joy.  Something good happens for a friend, and I worry about how it's going to affect me.  Or I think about how crummy a situation I might be in at the time and wonder why they have good things happening to them that aren't happening to me.  It's a common occurrence, and despite my efforts on the outside to appear happy for them, I'm sure they can sense that my sentiments aren't from the heart.  God wants me to focus on others so, again, I can share in their joys and successes.  Life's a lot better for me that way.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to say I think it's an every day battle.  It's probably a lack of faith in God, too.  I'm supposed to trust Him with my life.  I say that I do.  I guess some days that's true and others, well, not so much.  If you're my friend (or family) and you see me being selfish, please tell me.  Don't worry that I might get offended.  I promise I will love you all the more for it.  Besides, I don't want to steal your joy.

I'm really thirsty

I really like a challenge. I am very competitive (although maybe not quite as competitive as my wife), and I don't like to lose. I like a challenge when playing sports or playing a game. If I am playing basketball and teams are being selected, be sure to put me on the team that is the underdog. I find little satisfaction in being part of the team that "should" win. I want the challenge of being part of the team that has to give all it has to even compete. That is fun to me. For games and stuff like that, it's a blast.

But then there's real life. In real life, I have no interest in being challenged for the most part. Sure, there are times where I have to solve a problem or figure out how to get something to work. Those opportunities are exciting. If I can make it like an algebraic expression and solve for X, I'm gonna be all over that.

The things I don't like are circumstances that I can't control. That's not easy. For example: A relative is ill. Stuff at work is not going how we want it to. People are talking bad about us for no reason. That stuff is for the birds. Why would I want that for myself or anyone? That's all bad stuff. I want my real life to be easy and fun and enjoyable. But guess what...that's not always real life.

Real life is tough. The Bible even tells us that if we are Christians things won't be a breeze. In fact, it says life will be downright difficult at times. I've thought about this a lot the last year or two. I have heard this song (at the top) a number of times and feel like I can relate to it. I love one of the lines toward the end: "What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."

Stop and think for a moment. What if...

For some reason as I am typing this I have so many thoughts going through my head I feel like I could write a book just on this topic. But I know there are a couple points I want to put out there to ponder.

Ultimately, we need to get to a place in our lives where we have a "thirst this world can't satisfy." If we are feeling good about life and loving every second and just going about our merry way, will we ever get to that place? It's a serious thing to consider.

One other thing that is on my mind is the question of what is good for us and what is bad for us. In light of my previous question, I tend to think that our definition of what is bad for us may differ from God's definition of what is bad for us. Don't misunderstand me here. One thing I believe that the Bible teaches is that God will at times discipline (for lack of a better word) us if we stray from the path He has for us. I believe that is what a loving Father would do to bring His children back to the right place. (In my view this is different than punishment as the Bible also teaches us that there is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.) But separately, I think sometimes things happen in our lives that may even be caused by God that we would consider to be bad for us, mainly because they are trying and tough to handle. But here is the question...if something happens in our lives that causes us to turn to Him and seek His face more than before, could we possibly as Christians define that as a bad thing? I know it's difficult because we can't see the whole picture, but we need to remember that, no matter the circumstances, being close to Jesus and glorifying Him is our purpose here.

That concludes the post, really, but I just want to add a footnote of sorts. Remember that I am just typing my thoughts on life. I may be wrong on things, but I may be right. I am just going through life reflecting and trying to figure this stuff out, just like everyone else. Feel free to comment a question or observation even if you disagree with something I said. You won't hurt my feelings. I appreciate dialogue.