How I read the Bible

It was about four years ago, right at the beginning of the year. I was in a place, or going through a time, however you want to characterize it, where I felt no direction in life at all. I knew I needed to be there for my wife and kids. I knew I needed to provide. I knew I needed to try to live my life to the best of my ability in such a way as to honor God. But I just didn't have any passion or fire. Is that any different than any other day in your life? Haha! I have to put that in there.

I was so tired of not feeling any direction in life, and I knew something had to change. On January 2, 2013, I decided to start reading the Bible in the mornings, every day, before I did anything else. So I did that. Every day. Every morning. Before I did anything else. I did that every day that year, and almost every single day it was before I did anything else. 

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." So that was the start of my search. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Notice the second two words...seek first. What does that mean? It could mean a lot of things, and it could mean different things in various situations. What it means to me is that we should seek the kingdom of God first. Before anything else. It should be our primary aim, or first focus, the initial goal to be achieved above and before all else. I decided to take it literally, as in time of day. That's why I wanted to read his Word first, at the very start of my day. 

Sometimes I was a little too "religious" with the idea of it being first. My wife can tell you. One time I was reading the Bible when she asked me to go get something or do something outside the house. I promptly reminded her that she was messing up my commitment. Not the best idea. But I really did take it seriously. On Christmas morning, even, I got up early enough to make sure I read before we opened any presents! It was something I did not want to compromise on.

I read a couple chapters in the Old Testament and one in the New Testament, as well as some of Psalms and Proverbs. I read the entire Bible through the course of that year. I had a one year Bible that breaks it up into daily readings. Since then, I have read the Bible through three more times, once each year. I've used now three different versions of a one year Bible. I'll link them below.

To be clear, I don't think it is mandatory to read your Bible first thing in the morning before anything you do anything else. The Bible probably doesn't mean that. It means seeking his kingdom should be first, and that's probably not to be taken in terms of the order of your day. It probably means He should be the priority in your life. You might think more clearly and are more focused in the evening. That's fine too. But when I tried that, I ended up being too sleepy to concentrate and mostly just ended up not doing it. 

On the other hand, maybe that verse really does mean we should seek His kingdom first in the day, before anything else. I decided that commitment was important for me. It might not be for you. But when you have kids, having time with God, in whatever way you do it, in the morning before everyone wakes up and it is still quiet, is very special and sweet.

What is also very important for me to stay on track is to have a plan. When I was growing up I often read Proverbs, one each day. Of course there are 31 chapters in Proverbs, and I don't think that's an accident. You could start there if you need a plan. As I got older and knew I needed to read more, I could not keep my commitment without a plan. That's why the one year Bible works really well for me.

A downside to reading through the Bible in this way if that's the bulk of what you do is that you're not really "studying" the Bible. There are helps and notes and commentary in the one year Bibles, but it's not a situation where you explore a specific topic in depth to a great degree. But I asked God to help me see and learn what He wanted me to get. Each time I read though, even when it's a familiar passage, something new pops out to me. It's encouraging.

One other thing I haven't done a great job at is praying every day, much. More recently, last year, I began to write sort of a prayer journal each morning. Well, some mornings I do and some I don't. Sometimes I look at Facebook or check my email and my time goes. No time for that prayer. But I've always found with prayer that my thoughts wanted and I have trouble staying focus. It's that way for a lot of people. Writing my prayer and thoughts has been a very good way to stay focus. And it also allows me to go back and review my prayers periodically.

To be completely honest, I do feel like God has blessed me in this. There is more peace in my life. He has blessed my family, and I am content. You know I quoted Jeremiah 29:13 up above. Do you realize that's two verses after Jeremiah 29:11. Come on. You know that one. Say it with me. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's one version of it anyway. So after God says he has these plans for us, He follows it up with telling us how to find Him, and all those other things will follow.

If you are struggling with reading the Word, maybe give this plan a try. It really takes very little time, but you have to make it a priority. It must be something you do every day. Don't not do it. Be consistent. Every day. Every single day. Commit to it. If I can do it, you can. I promise you will be blessed. 

The first Bible I used:
The MacArthur Daily Bible, NKJV

The next Bible I used:
Charles F. Stanley Life Principles Daily Bible, NASB

The Bible I am reading now:
The Daily Walk Bible, KJV

Learning to Put on My Big Girl Panties

Have you ever felt like everything you touched was ruined? Sort of like King Midas, but way, way worse? That has been my week in a nutshell. If I was involved with it, it felt like it fell apart. I really began to think God was mad at me.

As some of you have already heard, someone took my money pouch on Saturday with all my session fees for Easter Minis. I was devastated. I can't tell you how tired I was and how hard I worked to get all that together. In my mind, God was punishing me. I was spending too much time doing things like that and not enough time with my kids. I wasn't a good enough mom. I worried too much about money and some upcoming expenses we had coming up. I didn't trust Him enough to take care of us, so this was His way of saying I should be better at trusting Him.

All through the night Saturday, I woke up with panic attacks. My poor husband finally about shook me and said, "You have to let this go!" I think the poor guy just needed sleep. I punched a few walls, screamed on my knees at the ceiling, kicked one of my Easter totes, and bawled like a baby. I felt like my insides were turning inside out.

I have questioned God about a thousand times. I know some of you are thinking, "It was just money." It was just money, but to me, it was more than that. It was about working toward a goal I had set in my mind. It was about trying to keep to our debt free goal. It was about contributing to the family and helping keep us on track. It was about security.

For those of you who know me fairly well, I am a pretty self-confident person. When it comes to being me and who I am as a person, I am confident in that. I have been for quite some time. I don't care if you don't like how I dress or that I speak my mind. However, when it comes to stability in my life and consistency, I kind of fall apart. For instance, for years I stressed over Christmas. Putting things on a credit card and having enough to purchase what we needed drove me crazy. I love Christmas and it is important to me. Anthony and I came up with a plan that each year we would take some of our tax return and create a Christmas account. That way, I could purchase all through the year when the prices were good and I could always know how much was left in the budget. Christmas was safe.

I am also kind of a crazy scrooge when it comes to money as well. Letting go of money to purchase things--even if we need it--is hard for me. (You should be a fly on the wall in some of our family discussions.) Well, I take that back. If it's for the kids it's not as difficult. As many of you saw, we visited Disney for five days earlier in the month. I literally saved from 2011 until this year for us to go on that trip. At the time, I was also saving to build myself a storage closet for props, new equipment and more. The Disney saving usually took a backseat to things we needed more, hence why it took me so long. In my mind, I even wondered if God was punishing me for wasting money on that trip. Maybe He thought I could have put it to better use?

Once I came to grips with losing the money, I realized something else had happened the day it went missing. On Sunday, I had a regularly planned session with a wonderful family with whom I have shot several times. I know them and am completely at ease with them. We had planned to meet in a parking lot of a restaurant. While I was waiting on them, I felt anxious. I felt like I needed to be aware of my surroundings. And by all means, I needed to keep my windows up and my doors locked. As most of you know Sunday was beautiful and I was pretty sweaty in the car with the windows up. The same feeling started to surface on Tuesday when I went to shoot a set of school portraits for a local preschool. There were workers milling around working on the buildings and I found myself constantly looking over at my car where I had strategically hid my purse under the 5,000 jackets that I found in the floorboard.

I felt scared. I felt panicky. Even though in both situations I knew I was going to be in the presence of people I felt comfortable with, I felt uneasy.

About seven months ago, I had my car broken into. I felt violated and angry. I felt the same uneasiness and anxiety that I feel now. It took me months to get comfortable. I don't want it to be like that again. I hate being scared and uneasy. My anxiety already causes a good bit of that anyhow, but having to deal with events that push it to the limits, it makes me very tired.

The hits kept on coming this weekend. After getting hardly any sleep and feeling like I had been hit by a truck, on Sunday I wake up to the sound of someone vomiting in the floor. Poor Jase stood there outside my bedroom door with his little puke puddle. I have to admit, I looked at the ceiling and said out loud, "Do you hate me? Am I really that bad of a person?" Luckily, we came to realize that it was most likely drainage from his allergies which the poor kid has been fighting for weeks now it seems. However, I still felt like I couldn't catch a break.

Monday, my dog walks into my office and pees on the rug. Tuesday, I didn't bring something I needed to a session. Today, I realized I emailed someone the wrong thing and my computer starts acting like it's on the blink. I have to admit, through all this, I kept asking God what it was that I had done that had offended Him so much that I needed to suffer through all this.

As I sit here tonight writing all of this, I am reading one of my Dad's texts to me from Monday.

".....I can say without reservation GOD does love YOU and has blessed you bountifully. God did not cause this but allowed it. What you have to focus on is what is he teaching me as an individual, as a parent, as a friend. There will be more to come. Navigate through this. Learn what you can, that way you can be a better help to someone else because of it."

Ouch. So yes, apparently I need to put my big girl panties on and learn from what I am going through. In the end, if it helps me help someone else one day, shouldn't I be okay with that? I have always thought my parents were wise, but this one really hit home for me. I have been so focused on God punishing me that I hadn't focused on what blessings I had! Suddenly, that plaque that my grandma has hanging in her bathroom about the footsteps in the sand really made sense. This weekend, God was carrying me because I wasn't walking along in my own strength. My strength was gone.

You might be thinking like I was at first--What do I really have to be thankful for right now? To be honest, I wasn't grateful for one stinking thing when I lost it over realizing the bag was gone. But after getting that text, I have tried to put things in perspective and be grateful. In both situations where I have lost something, I have never been personally attacked. I haven't be forced at gunpoint to give up something. No one has physically harmed me. In both situations, not one piece of my camera equipment was touched. (Apparently, God thinks I should keep doing this as a job.) I still have a way to continue providing for my family with that in my possession. None of my clients were harmed and the sweet goats were just fine. My master schedule which has every date I have booked logged, was recovered from the grass. (It was attached to my money bag.) I could have had to dig through hundreds of emails and messages to recover all of that information--talk about time consuming. As I have sat down to count my blessings, the list gets a little longer.

So am I still angry and questioning God? Still asking questions, yes, but angry, no. To be honest, if I am being punished by anybody, it's probably Satan and his buddies. Anthony and I have been really trying to use this blog and our videos on Friday nights to encourage others and lift the spirits of our friends and family. I have found that when you are doing something positive, that's generally when things gets tough. Satan doesn't want us to continue to be an encouragement. And if that's true, what's the best way to shut us up? Hand out some really crappy times and situations. Maybe that's why God allowed all of this to happen. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to learn. It could be that my dad is right and that there are people out there who need to hear that I have been struggling with these events and that I am fighting to get over it. And I will get over it with the help of a loving heavenly Father.

Before I close, I do want to say thank you to every person who has called to say something kind, stopped by to give me a hug, emailed a word of encouragement, or who has offered to help in any way. I know I say this a lot, but I have some of the best clients in the whole entire world. You guys are more than clients--you are my friends. You have shown me that you care about my mental health and my family. Each of your families are blessings I counted when I sat down to reevaluate my situation. If I ever get the opportunity to do the same for you, you better believe I will.                      

Cars and Counsel

I drive an antique vehicle. It’s a 2002 Ford Mustang V6. Well, it’s not an antique by the official definition, but it is a classic by most definitions. It is 15 years old this year, and if I could get an antique plate on it I would.

Jen and I purchased it a few months after we were married in 2003. She was going to drive back and forth to Gainesville to work everyday, so we needed something reliable. That, and she always wanted a Mustang of her own (It really was and is hers. She would still drive it if she could, but we can’t really tote all her photo props and equipment and three rowdy boys in that car, so I drive it to work. But she did let me pick the color, which is that really cool Tampa Bay Buccaneers pewter color. Officially it’s “mineral gray.”).

We got a good deal on it I think. We told them $14k out the door, taxes, tag and all. So the purchase price was about $12,700. We paid nothing down and our payments were something like $280 a month for 5 years. I really can’t remember now. (On a side note, I said to Jen tonight that we have bought two vehicles and a house and paid nothing down on anything. That’s probably not a good thing.) We paid it off, a while back of course, and it has been a terrific vehicle.

In the last several years it started acting up a bit. A couple of years ago I took it to a local mechanic who my brother-in-law recommended as having done well for him. The folks there fixed it right up and called me to let me know it was done. I went to pick it up, paid about $450 for the parts and labor, and proceeded to drive away. But, wait. It’s still not fixed, I said to myself. So I turned around and let the boss man know. He said it was better, but sometimes when you fix one part you realize there are other issues as well. They told me the catalytic converter was clogged and that they don’t work on exhaust. I thought, what difference does that make because you’re not touching my car again.

So after having spent that kind of money to get the thing running smoothly with no success (Thanks a lot for the recommendation, Greg. No worries, though. He won’t be reading this.) I decided to do nothing for a while. After another year or so it was bad enough to the point that I figured something needed to be done. So I Googled “exhaust repair habersham county.” I chose the first one that popped up, Chip’s Service and Exhaust Center, and gave them a ring. The long and short of it is that Chip and his crew repaired something, asked me to come drive it, I did, and then I told them it was better but not fixed. So they repaired something else that I think they had never heard of (camshaft synchronizer?) and all was well! It was a beautiful thing to cruise around in the ‘Stang again at full strength.

I don’t remember when that was. It was last year sometime. I remember it was over $500 for the repair. So we had invested over $1,000 in this thing by now. Fast forward to last week. I was driving home from work, and the engine started shaking so bad that I thought it was going to fall out. I took it to Chip’s today. The verdict? $582. Maybe that’s not a lot to you guys, maybe it’s just a month’s car payment or something. For me, that’s insane. I’m supposed to pick it up tomorrow.

That was a quite lengthy story. It really was just the backstory. Are you ready for the real story? Do you need to take a break and get a drink of water, or stretch your legs maybe? It really stinks driving old vehicles sometimes. Our other vehicle is a 2006 Honda Pilot that we bought used in 2009. We love it. It fits us perfectly and does everything we want it to. It’s been a great car as well. It also has 197,000 miles on it, and it burns oil. John (that’s my father-in-law), if you happen to be reading this on your iPhone 4, don’t worry, I check the oil frequently.

The problem is that over five years ago when we overdrafted our checking account and had nothing in savings (did you catch that...nothing), we decided we were making a change with our finances. We agree with Dave Ramsey. Debt is dumb. Cash is king. Borrower is slave to the lender. So I really, really, kind of a lot, do not want to have another car payment.

Full disclosure? I’m jealous. I see all you people driving those fancy SUVs around. I want one of those. Or maybe a truck like my friend Kyle’s. It’s a nice, gray Ford F-150 with a crew cab or something. (Kyle, the new wheels add a nice touch, too.) So, yes, I want one of those vehicles. But…     But, what I don’t want is one of those $500 or $600 payments for 5 or 6 years. Not only do I not want it, but we can’t afford it.

The reality that we have set a goal, or made a determination that by May we will have to purchase another vehicle. I suppose it’s a pipe dream to think we could ever pay cash for what we need. So herein lies the struggle. We planned to run as far from debt as possible. And now the reality seems to indicate that payments are headed our way. This is at the same time that we will be sending Jase to private pre-school and TJ to a private 5th grade next fall. Yep, we could not do those things, but our priorities and convictions lead us to those decisions. (Did I mention we’re going to Disney soon? I can’t remember if I did. We’re going to Disney soon. Just thought I’d throw that in there. I know it seems a bit odd to be complaining about the car payment when we’re headed to Disney, but we have our reasons.)

So, I’m crossing my fingers that the $582 fixes the Mustang for now. Jen has worked really hard to build her business, and that income has been a blessing for us. We will, when we purchase, at the very least have a large down payment, and we will get a good deal as we search patiently. We will also keep both of the old vehicles. One of our goals has always been to own three vehicles so we can loan to those who are in need. We hopefully won’t borrow for 5.5 years like we did with the Pilot. In fact, I hope we can pay it off within 1-2 years, whatever we purchase.

The moral of the story is this: we all have struggles with things that are in conflict, ideas that cannot coexist. We don’t want debt, but we might have to use it. I think God would prefer we don’t borrow. He warned against it in His Word, not because it’s a sin, but because it’s not likely a blessing for us.

This morning before work I noticed that I had posted the following on my Facebook page four years ago:

Listen to the right one…

There are many devices in man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand. Proverbs 19:21

That’s really what I want; it’s what we need. I have my own thoughts and plans and ideas and things I want to do and not do, and so do you. But what I need is the counsel of the Lord. That, my friends, that shall stand.

It. Was. Lightning.

The Bible study with the kids tonight was about worry.  It referenced the passage of scripture in Matthew 6 about worrying doing you no good.  Reilly didn't make it all the way through, but he did do a great job singing the first 10 books of the Bible and reciting a couple of his memory verses.

After we were finished with the reading portion, my wife asked T.J. (he's 6) if he worries.  Of course we as parents know everything about him, so we know that he gets scared and worries about certain things.  So after her question, he answers, "No."  "You're kidding, right?" says his mom.  "Well, not really," he says.  My wife points out, "You do too worry about things.  You were scared the other night about the storm."  

His reply...

It. Was. Lightning.

Well, he has a point, doesn't he?  Lightning is cause for concern.  You don't think lighting is reason to worry?  Okay, I don't either, but check this out.  Scary stuff for sure.

In any event, I kind of chuckled, first that he had said he doesn't worry, and second because it was funny how he said "It. Was. Lightning." as if it was stupid to even suggest that one would not worry about lightning.

(Tangent: I can hear Reilly [he's 3] say right now, "You just typed a bad word, Daddy."  My wife always gets in trouble by Reilly for saying stupid.)

Then I realized, we as adults do the exact same thing.  We may see something someone else worries about and think it's silly.  However, when we worry about something, we without hesitation defend the legitimacy of that worry.  We can most certainly rationalize it, and we think others are crazy to not worry about that same thing.

I worry about things, even though I like to say I don't.  I sort of believe that we should tithe 10% of our gross income to the local church; I worry because every month if my family does that we won't have enough money to pay the bills and eat food.  I really want to do something special with my life; I worry that I'm going to go through life being comfortable and too safe with my choices and miss what I'm supposed to do. I really want to lead my family and make good decisions for us; I worry that I won't be the husband and father I'm supposed to be or maybe make a decision that ruins the future of our children (boy #3 is due in May, by the way).

I really could go on.  My worries might seem silly to you.  But you know you've got your own.

I guess it's a process.  As a Christian, I'm quite sure that God knows we won't have the faith to elude worry in every situation.  I think that's why He reminds us so frequently in His Word.  But circumstances don't change who He is.

I grew up playing basketball, and, like Michael Jordan, I always wanted to be taller.  (He wanted to be 7 feet tall. VIDEO)  I never figured how to stretch my frame, but I do know one thing that won't help me to grow taller...

Matthew 6:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 
27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

This one's about me

I've been pretty selfish over the course of my life.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.  Even the title of this post is about me.  Examining or taking an inventory of my own thoughts can reveal a lot about who I am and the condition of my heart.  My thoughts and intentions have often been focused on what I can do to make myself feel better, or impress others, or deflect criticism and blame.  I know there are times that are worse than others.  The trouble is that it's difficult for me to see while it's taking place.  When I'm worried so much about myself, for whatever reason I don't realize it.  Sometimes it takes someone else to call me out on it.

It's certainly not that I want to worry only about myself.  I think I even do things for others that could appear to be unselfish to someone else but are really in some way designed to benefit me.  And I probably even feel like I'm thinking of others in those actions.  For some reason I can't help it.  I suppose it's part of human nature.  Having said that, I'm pretty sure God wants me to let Him worry about me.  I'm pretty sure He wants me to be focused outward, on others.

Here's a few reasons...

When I think about others and not so much about myself, it makes my life a lot more enjoyable.  When I focus on me, and think about me, and dwell on my situation, it tends to cause me to sulk and feel sorry for me.  When I think about others it causes me to share in their joys and stand with them in their sorrows.  Even in sorrows, there's much more peace in supporting others.

When I think about myself, I am most likely missing an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.  God puts me in places, in my job, in my church, at the grocery store, to minister to and bless others.  Dwelling on my state of affairs totally blinds me to the opportunities to help others and show them God's love.  Shame on me for this.  Someone around me may not receive something good that Almighty God has for them because of my selfishness.

This last one is the worst.  When I am focused on me and not others, there's a really good chance that I'm robbing someone else of their joy.  Something good happens for a friend, and I worry about how it's going to affect me.  Or I think about how crummy a situation I might be in at the time and wonder why they have good things happening to them that aren't happening to me.  It's a common occurrence, and despite my efforts on the outside to appear happy for them, I'm sure they can sense that my sentiments aren't from the heart.  God wants me to focus on others so, again, I can share in their joys and successes.  Life's a lot better for me that way.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to say I think it's an every day battle.  It's probably a lack of faith in God, too.  I'm supposed to trust Him with my life.  I say that I do.  I guess some days that's true and others, well, not so much.  If you're my friend (or family) and you see me being selfish, please tell me.  Don't worry that I might get offended.  I promise I will love you all the more for it.  Besides, I don't want to steal your joy.

Praise Him in the storm?

Have you ever been through a tough time and wondered where God is?

I think it happens to all of us where we go through times in life that it seems nothing can go your way. One thing after another happens as if there is someone out there controlling the universe in such a way as to cause every single event to work against us.  At those moments is when we are to cry out to God and ask Him for comfort and to make our situation right.

That's what we're told, anyway.

Now you would say, "Wait!  Aren't we supposed to call out to God in time of need?"  Absolutely!  You know the Bible says that God's strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  That leads us to believe that at our weakest moments God is always there and we should look to Him when our weakest moments come.

But what about the other times?  What about the times that are seemingly wonderful?  What about the times we feel like we are walking on the clouds?  I would submit to you that the most important time to seek God and His presence and peace is during the times that things are going well.  When all in the world is right and you are smiling and singing a happy tune, do you seek Him like He is the most important thing in your life?

To expand on the analogy of walking on the clouds in the good times, surely if we are walking on the clouds we are bound to fall off at some point, right? My belief is that if we will seek Him during the good times, His presence will be so much more evident in the tough times. What's more, if we seek Him during the times when life is easy, we will learn how to see Him and recognize Him in every situation. That practice in the good times will prepare us to see Him when circumstances seem so overwhelming.

Fix your eyes on Him now, even when it may feel like you don't need Him to survive. Then, when circumstances make it abundantly clear that He truly is your only hope, you will feel His calming presence as if He is with you always.