Learning to Put on My Big Girl Panties

Have you ever felt like everything you touched was ruined? Sort of like King Midas, but way, way worse? That has been my week in a nutshell. If I was involved with it, it felt like it fell apart. I really began to think God was mad at me.

As some of you have already heard, someone took my money pouch on Saturday with all my session fees for Easter Minis. I was devastated. I can't tell you how tired I was and how hard I worked to get all that together. In my mind, God was punishing me. I was spending too much time doing things like that and not enough time with my kids. I wasn't a good enough mom. I worried too much about money and some upcoming expenses we had coming up. I didn't trust Him enough to take care of us, so this was His way of saying I should be better at trusting Him.

All through the night Saturday, I woke up with panic attacks. My poor husband finally about shook me and said, "You have to let this go!" I think the poor guy just needed sleep. I punched a few walls, screamed on my knees at the ceiling, kicked one of my Easter totes, and bawled like a baby. I felt like my insides were turning inside out.

I have questioned God about a thousand times. I know some of you are thinking, "It was just money." It was just money, but to me, it was more than that. It was about working toward a goal I had set in my mind. It was about trying to keep to our debt free goal. It was about contributing to the family and helping keep us on track. It was about security.

For those of you who know me fairly well, I am a pretty self-confident person. When it comes to being me and who I am as a person, I am confident in that. I have been for quite some time. I don't care if you don't like how I dress or that I speak my mind. However, when it comes to stability in my life and consistency, I kind of fall apart. For instance, for years I stressed over Christmas. Putting things on a credit card and having enough to purchase what we needed drove me crazy. I love Christmas and it is important to me. Anthony and I came up with a plan that each year we would take some of our tax return and create a Christmas account. That way, I could purchase all through the year when the prices were good and I could always know how much was left in the budget. Christmas was safe.

I am also kind of a crazy scrooge when it comes to money as well. Letting go of money to purchase things--even if we need it--is hard for me. (You should be a fly on the wall in some of our family discussions.) Well, I take that back. If it's for the kids it's not as difficult. As many of you saw, we visited Disney for five days earlier in the month. I literally saved from 2011 until this year for us to go on that trip. At the time, I was also saving to build myself a storage closet for props, new equipment and more. The Disney saving usually took a backseat to things we needed more, hence why it took me so long. In my mind, I even wondered if God was punishing me for wasting money on that trip. Maybe He thought I could have put it to better use?

Once I came to grips with losing the money, I realized something else had happened the day it went missing. On Sunday, I had a regularly planned session with a wonderful family with whom I have shot several times. I know them and am completely at ease with them. We had planned to meet in a parking lot of a restaurant. While I was waiting on them, I felt anxious. I felt like I needed to be aware of my surroundings. And by all means, I needed to keep my windows up and my doors locked. As most of you know Sunday was beautiful and I was pretty sweaty in the car with the windows up. The same feeling started to surface on Tuesday when I went to shoot a set of school portraits for a local preschool. There were workers milling around working on the buildings and I found myself constantly looking over at my car where I had strategically hid my purse under the 5,000 jackets that I found in the floorboard.

I felt scared. I felt panicky. Even though in both situations I knew I was going to be in the presence of people I felt comfortable with, I felt uneasy.

About seven months ago, I had my car broken into. I felt violated and angry. I felt the same uneasiness and anxiety that I feel now. It took me months to get comfortable. I don't want it to be like that again. I hate being scared and uneasy. My anxiety already causes a good bit of that anyhow, but having to deal with events that push it to the limits, it makes me very tired.

The hits kept on coming this weekend. After getting hardly any sleep and feeling like I had been hit by a truck, on Sunday I wake up to the sound of someone vomiting in the floor. Poor Jase stood there outside my bedroom door with his little puke puddle. I have to admit, I looked at the ceiling and said out loud, "Do you hate me? Am I really that bad of a person?" Luckily, we came to realize that it was most likely drainage from his allergies which the poor kid has been fighting for weeks now it seems. However, I still felt like I couldn't catch a break.

Monday, my dog walks into my office and pees on the rug. Tuesday, I didn't bring something I needed to a session. Today, I realized I emailed someone the wrong thing and my computer starts acting like it's on the blink. I have to admit, through all this, I kept asking God what it was that I had done that had offended Him so much that I needed to suffer through all this.

As I sit here tonight writing all of this, I am reading one of my Dad's texts to me from Monday.

".....I can say without reservation GOD does love YOU and has blessed you bountifully. God did not cause this but allowed it. What you have to focus on is what is he teaching me as an individual, as a parent, as a friend. There will be more to come. Navigate through this. Learn what you can, that way you can be a better help to someone else because of it."

Ouch. So yes, apparently I need to put my big girl panties on and learn from what I am going through. In the end, if it helps me help someone else one day, shouldn't I be okay with that? I have always thought my parents were wise, but this one really hit home for me. I have been so focused on God punishing me that I hadn't focused on what blessings I had! Suddenly, that plaque that my grandma has hanging in her bathroom about the footsteps in the sand really made sense. This weekend, God was carrying me because I wasn't walking along in my own strength. My strength was gone.

You might be thinking like I was at first--What do I really have to be thankful for right now? To be honest, I wasn't grateful for one stinking thing when I lost it over realizing the bag was gone. But after getting that text, I have tried to put things in perspective and be grateful. In both situations where I have lost something, I have never been personally attacked. I haven't be forced at gunpoint to give up something. No one has physically harmed me. In both situations, not one piece of my camera equipment was touched. (Apparently, God thinks I should keep doing this as a job.) I still have a way to continue providing for my family with that in my possession. None of my clients were harmed and the sweet goats were just fine. My master schedule which has every date I have booked logged, was recovered from the grass. (It was attached to my money bag.) I could have had to dig through hundreds of emails and messages to recover all of that information--talk about time consuming. As I have sat down to count my blessings, the list gets a little longer.

So am I still angry and questioning God? Still asking questions, yes, but angry, no. To be honest, if I am being punished by anybody, it's probably Satan and his buddies. Anthony and I have been really trying to use this blog and our videos on Friday nights to encourage others and lift the spirits of our friends and family. I have found that when you are doing something positive, that's generally when things gets tough. Satan doesn't want us to continue to be an encouragement. And if that's true, what's the best way to shut us up? Hand out some really crappy times and situations. Maybe that's why God allowed all of this to happen. Maybe that's the lesson I needed to learn. It could be that my dad is right and that there are people out there who need to hear that I have been struggling with these events and that I am fighting to get over it. And I will get over it with the help of a loving heavenly Father.

Before I close, I do want to say thank you to every person who has called to say something kind, stopped by to give me a hug, emailed a word of encouragement, or who has offered to help in any way. I know I say this a lot, but I have some of the best clients in the whole entire world. You guys are more than clients--you are my friends. You have shown me that you care about my mental health and my family. Each of your families are blessings I counted when I sat down to reevaluate my situation. If I ever get the opportunity to do the same for you, you better believe I will.                      

It. Was. Lightning.

The Bible study with the kids tonight was about worry.  It referenced the passage of scripture in Matthew 6 about worrying doing you no good.  Reilly didn't make it all the way through, but he did do a great job singing the first 10 books of the Bible and reciting a couple of his memory verses.

After we were finished with the reading portion, my wife asked T.J. (he's 6) if he worries.  Of course we as parents know everything about him, so we know that he gets scared and worries about certain things.  So after her question, he answers, "No."  "You're kidding, right?" says his mom.  "Well, not really," he says.  My wife points out, "You do too worry about things.  You were scared the other night about the storm."  

His reply...

It. Was. Lightning.

Well, he has a point, doesn't he?  Lightning is cause for concern.  You don't think lighting is reason to worry?  Okay, I don't either, but check this out.  Scary stuff for sure.

In any event, I kind of chuckled, first that he had said he doesn't worry, and second because it was funny how he said "It. Was. Lightning." as if it was stupid to even suggest that one would not worry about lightning.

(Tangent: I can hear Reilly [he's 3] say right now, "You just typed a bad word, Daddy."  My wife always gets in trouble by Reilly for saying stupid.)

Then I realized, we as adults do the exact same thing.  We may see something someone else worries about and think it's silly.  However, when we worry about something, we without hesitation defend the legitimacy of that worry.  We can most certainly rationalize it, and we think others are crazy to not worry about that same thing.

I worry about things, even though I like to say I don't.  I sort of believe that we should tithe 10% of our gross income to the local church; I worry because every month if my family does that we won't have enough money to pay the bills and eat food.  I really want to do something special with my life; I worry that I'm going to go through life being comfortable and too safe with my choices and miss what I'm supposed to do. I really want to lead my family and make good decisions for us; I worry that I won't be the husband and father I'm supposed to be or maybe make a decision that ruins the future of our children (boy #3 is due in May, by the way).

I really could go on.  My worries might seem silly to you.  But you know you've got your own.

I guess it's a process.  As a Christian, I'm quite sure that God knows we won't have the faith to elude worry in every situation.  I think that's why He reminds us so frequently in His Word.  But circumstances don't change who He is.

I grew up playing basketball, and, like Michael Jordan, I always wanted to be taller.  (He wanted to be 7 feet tall. VIDEO)  I never figured how to stretch my frame, but I do know one thing that won't help me to grow taller...

Matthew 6:26-28

New King James Version (NKJV)

26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 
27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;

This one's about me

I've been pretty selfish over the course of my life.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.  Even the title of this post is about me.  Examining or taking an inventory of my own thoughts can reveal a lot about who I am and the condition of my heart.  My thoughts and intentions have often been focused on what I can do to make myself feel better, or impress others, or deflect criticism and blame.  I know there are times that are worse than others.  The trouble is that it's difficult for me to see while it's taking place.  When I'm worried so much about myself, for whatever reason I don't realize it.  Sometimes it takes someone else to call me out on it.

It's certainly not that I want to worry only about myself.  I think I even do things for others that could appear to be unselfish to someone else but are really in some way designed to benefit me.  And I probably even feel like I'm thinking of others in those actions.  For some reason I can't help it.  I suppose it's part of human nature.  Having said that, I'm pretty sure God wants me to let Him worry about me.  I'm pretty sure He wants me to be focused outward, on others.

Here's a few reasons...

When I think about others and not so much about myself, it makes my life a lot more enjoyable.  When I focus on me, and think about me, and dwell on my situation, it tends to cause me to sulk and feel sorry for me.  When I think about others it causes me to share in their joys and stand with them in their sorrows.  Even in sorrows, there's much more peace in supporting others.

When I think about myself, I am most likely missing an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.  God puts me in places, in my job, in my church, at the grocery store, to minister to and bless others.  Dwelling on my state of affairs totally blinds me to the opportunities to help others and show them God's love.  Shame on me for this.  Someone around me may not receive something good that Almighty God has for them because of my selfishness.

This last one is the worst.  When I am focused on me and not others, there's a really good chance that I'm robbing someone else of their joy.  Something good happens for a friend, and I worry about how it's going to affect me.  Or I think about how crummy a situation I might be in at the time and wonder why they have good things happening to them that aren't happening to me.  It's a common occurrence, and despite my efforts on the outside to appear happy for them, I'm sure they can sense that my sentiments aren't from the heart.  God wants me to focus on others so, again, I can share in their joys and successes.  Life's a lot better for me that way.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to say I think it's an every day battle.  It's probably a lack of faith in God, too.  I'm supposed to trust Him with my life.  I say that I do.  I guess some days that's true and others, well, not so much.  If you're my friend (or family) and you see me being selfish, please tell me.  Don't worry that I might get offended.  I promise I will love you all the more for it.  Besides, I don't want to steal your joy.

Triumphing Through Faith in Times of Trials

I am sorry for the lack of blogging this month. It's been interesting to see how many people actually miss reading my rants and contact me to say that they want more! It makes me smile....and thank you.

I don't know where you are in your life right now, but the Straightforward Family (and I have noticed many of our friends as well) has experienced some particularly large trials and tribulations recently. I have caught myself with the question, "Why me?" on my lips several times. My other favorite question recently is, "Why can't I catch a break?". It seems like we have been hit from all sides for the last year.

Interestingly enough (as I have mentioned before), our church is doing a study on the book of Genesis. I know I have posted before about Lot and what I took from that study, but this recent study meant a lot to me and has helped me confront some of my more recent trials with a different perspective. I don't know if you have ever read the account found in Genesis 22, but it is probably one of the most inspiring and interesting accounts I have read in the Old Testament.

Here's a brief summary. After years of waiting on God (and a son through the wrong woman), Abraham and Sarah finally have their promised son. I know some people feel like they have waited forever for a child, but Abraham and Sarah didn't have a son until they were VERY OLD. They were not the picture of patience (or normal parents) by any means, but they finally receive God's promise of a child. About the time that Isaac is 25, God speaks to Abraham and says, "Ok. you have your son. I want you to take your only child and offer him as a burnt sacrifice." (He probably didn't say it just like that, but you get the idea.) Abraham gets up the next morning, travels to the place he is told, and has his son carry the sticks up to the location. He then binds his son to the altar and prepares to sacrifice his only child. As he is about to slit Isaac's throat, he hears a voice call out to stop and he sees a ram nearby to put in Isaac's place. They sacrifice the ram and head back home.

Now, I know what you are thinking. "What in the world does this have to do with the daily struggles and trials that I deal with in my life? God is not asking me to sacrifice my kids!" That's very true and I am very thankful that He hasn't asked me to do that! However, if you look closely at this story, you see two people who have been through a mess of trials and tribulations (some they have triumphed through in honorable fashion and some they have waded through in shame) and this is one is like the icing on the cake. (Hmmmm....have you ever felt that way? You look at trials in your life and think, "Wow! I did awesome there, but I stunk up the farm on that one?" Every once in awhile, I also face a trial so big that my mind runs with the thought, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!")

I don't know about you, but when I learned about Abraham as a kid, I never really thought about his failures or frustrations. I only remembered the bright spots in his life. I focused on the triumphant moments. As I have gotten older, I have been able to identify with his goof-ups and hang-ups. Previous to where Abraham is in Genesis 22, we have seen him go through some rough things. He has given his wife away (twice), not heeded God's directions (several times), had to watch his beloved nephew head off to one of the most immoral cities to ever exist, and much more. Yet, after years of waiting he gets his son!!! I can't imagine what elation and excitement he and Sarah felt at that moment. Things are going great for awhile and then BOOM! God says go kill your son for me. I can just picture the look on Abraham's face. I can imagine his mind ran with the same thought that mine would--"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" After all he had been through, he finally had his son and I imagine he thought God was going to cut him a break for the remainder of his life. He is now faced with this new challenge.

In the past, I never understood why God would ask Abraham to kill his son. It made no sense to me. Yet, as we studied this story more, I realized that He was trying to express what He would one day be doing for people everywhere. Abraham was given the smallest taste of what God would be offering for us many years later.

How did Abraham face this new challenge? He got up the next morning and did exactly what was asked of him. What would the Straightforward Mom have done in this situation? I probably would have prayed, cried, "twisted" my ankle so I couldn't travel--yeah, I would have hesitated. Abraham packed up his stuff and went. According to Genesis 22:5, Abraham told the guys who traveled with him, "Abide ye here with the donkey; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you." He had so much faith in God in this trial that he believed that no matter what, he would return with a living Isaac. Whether he had to go through with the sacrifice or not, he believed that God would provide. After that statement, he loads Isaac up with the altar stuff and heads toward the place God had specified. Again, his faith during the trial is tested by Isaac's question, "Behold the fire and the wood; but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" I don't know about you, but if I had even made it to this point, I would have burst into tears and ran from that place. But Abraham didn't waiver and told Isaac, "My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering." Abraham gets as far as binding his son and raising the knife to kill him. The Angel of the Lord then calls out and causes him to stop. God provides the ram and the two sacrifice that instead.

After studying this story, I am so ashamed at the lack of faith I have in the smallest trials. There are days I don't even trust Him to provide something as small as my financial needs. The trials and tribulations that Abraham faced before this point, prepared him for this moment. He had seen God move in mighty ways and protect him even when he made the dumbest of mistakes (like offering his wife to other men and believing her when she said it was ok for him to have a baby with another woman). God wasn't trying to destroy Abraham during these events. God was preparing Abraham through each event.

Does that offer you a new perspective on what you are going through? I know I have started looking at my problems differently. It's easier for me to not ask why as much--He's preparing me. Now, I might not always completely understand why I have to face a certain situation. It also doesn't mean that I enjoy it. Nevertheless, I can face each new challenge with confidence and faith that God will provide. I can look back (just as Abraham did) at all the events of the past year and see places where I came through like a champ, and others where I came through like a chump. Through it all, I can see God's hand moving and shaping me to be something wonderful for Him.

I think another powerful testimony of faith in time of testing is Isaac's response to his father during this situation. Isaac did question his dad about what was going to happen (just like any young man would have done). The confident answer given by his father was enough to keep Isaac going. Keep in mind, Isaac was not a little kid innocently trusting his father. He was a young man who had the option to run away or punch his dad for attempting to bind him and place him on the altar. He could have verbally abused his dad, calling him "stupid" or a "crazy zealot." Isaac did none of these things. I think the trust he placed in his father is a testimony to the way he was raised by Abraham and Sarah. I hope that one day, people will be able to look at the actions and reactions of my children and see evidence of the way I have tried to raise them.

(As a side note, this is also a reminder to all those parents out there, our children are not ours. They belong to God and we have to respect that gift. No matter where He leads them (the mission field or other ministries), we have to listen to His call on their lives as much as they should. This was another hard pill for the old Straightforward Mom to swallow. On a second side note, isn't it interesting that Sarah is not mentioned in this chapter? This is a Straightforward Momism, but I think that God knew what this trial would do to Sarah and that it would be more than she could bear. I may be completely off on that assessment--and I would love to know your thoughts--but I find it so interesting that Sarah is not involved. I know what it would have done to me to hear that request.)

When trials come your way, where do you place your faith? Or do you even worry about that? Do you find yourself focusing so much on the problem that you forget why we go through them in the first place? I was in your shoes. I can admit that I was not putting my faith in my Heavenly Father. I was placing my trust in myself. (You think I would learn after 30 years of living this life!) I also placed my trust in the Straightforward Dad and others. I was so shocked when they failed me.....hmmmmm. If I couldn't do it my strength, how in the world could I expect them to do it in theirs?

I hope that you will pick up your copy of the Bible and read the account in Genesis 22. Not only does it give a testament to what faith can do for you in times of pain and heartache, but it is also a representation of what our Heavenly Father gave up for us so that we could live in heaven with Him. How great is the Father's love for us?