Confessions from the Gynecologist’s Office

I am like every other woman in the world—busy. To say I had put off my “lady doctor” appointment is an understatement. My next appointment was scheduled for three years ago. Of course, I put it off because, not only am I a busy mother of three children, business owner, homeschool teacher, and crazy person, it’s not my favorite experience in the world. I am going to be honest right here folks. I absolutely hate having my finger pricked. I like to think I have a very high tolerance for pain, but that right there drives me crazy. It’s like someone purposefully giving you a paper cut. Anyway, let’s just say I was due for a visit. After much harassment from my mother and husband I made the call.

I hate talking on the phone. It’s also one of my least favorite things to do. It’s not up there with having my finger pricked, but definitely in the top 25. The nurse answers and I explain what I need to do. You can almost hear the lack of shock in her voice when she says, “So, you haven’t been back in three years?” Let’s just say, I wasn’t known around the office as the most cooperative or calm pregnant person. I explain about my busy life and how I had always planned to, but never got around to it. I can feel her eyes through the phone. She asks me who I would like to see, and I say the name of the woman who I have seen since I was 19. A wonderful midwife who has talked me through the beginnings of becoming a woman, three pregnancies, one miscarriage, and countless other life milestones. “Ummmmmm……” is what I hear on the other end of the line. “I am sorry ma'am, but due to your age, you are no longer able to do your yearly visits with a midwife.”

Here is my first confession. I wanted to choke her. And I know this receptionist. We laugh and chat every time I begrudgingly fill out the paperwork and complain about peeing in the cup. I wanted to scream out, “I AM NOT OLD. And even if you believe that fact based on a number you see on my file, it’s not true.” I just sat there for a second while I internalized never seeing the woman who had talked me through so many huge events and decisions in my life. She was a calming voice, and at times, the voice of reason when I wasn’t so reasonable. It was like a kick to the gut. When I was finally able to respond, she gave me some options of female doctors I could see. (Real mom moment here—I don’t like male gynecologists. Let’s just say I had one during a pregnancy that tried to pull my esophagus out of my lady parts while checking my baby. Ever since then, I just decided that I would stick with the women.) I chose a name from the list of TWO (yeah, you heard that right—only two) women she offered. We made the appointment and I kind of deflated when I hung up the phone.

Poor Anthony took the brunt of my anger as I blamed him for making me call in the first place. I wasn’t seriously angry at him, but he took it like a champ. It’s probably the first time since I learned that I was no longer eligible to be a Disney princess at Disney World that someone told me I was too old.

Here’s confession two—I wanted to “accidentally” forget my appointment. The thought crossed my mind. Surely my midwife would make a house call right? She loved me more than any other patient. I am sure of it. As I watched Anthony rearrange his whole schedule to make my office visit possible, I realized the selfishness in this thought. He really did everything he could to make my visit as stress free on his end as he could.

Now, to make this visit even more awesome, about a week before, I took a dive off of a high ledge in Gainesville during a photo shoot. Okay, that’s dramatic. My weak right ankle (don’t you DARE think old) decided to be a drama queen and gave out. I was only on my second shoot of the morning so I don’t know why it was such a big deal. So not only was I going to this most hated visit, I was going as a gimp. I would look like the old person she had insisted I was over the phone. Yay. Not to mention the pain. Here they were going to prick my finger while my ankle was the size of a small cantaloupe. Greeatttt……

I hobbled into the office trying to make it without the crutches I had left in the car. I was determined that if I was going in gimpy, I was going to be on my own two feet. I walked in the office, signed the sign in sheet and chatted with the same receptionist. (She’s so nice ya’ll! She asked me about my business, how I was, etc. She was genuinely interested in what I had been up to the last three years.) I sat down looking at all the new moms with their hubbies excitedly talking about what they expected at this visit.

Confession three makes me seem so petty but here it is—I was jealous. In my mind, they were able to see a midwife and I wasn’t. In fact, they were probably going to see MY midwife. (At this point, I was probably delusional from the foot pain. I am praying that’s what it was.) I know most of you thought I would say I was so jealous because they were having a baby and starting that awesome journey. No! I am very happy with where I am currently! I seriously was jealous of the fact that my amazing midwife would be the one babying, I mean, examining them.

I was called back by my favorite nurse in the world. Poor woman has seen me in all kinds of situations and still had to see me at the baseball field like a normal person. I don’t know how she does it with a straight face. As I take the walk of death toward the finger prick I knew was inevitable, she says, “Jump up here and let me weigh you.” Ummmmm…….I looked down at the huge boot on my foot which I knew was probably keeping me upright at the moment. “Do you deduct the weight of the boot?”

Confession four—I was embarrassed about being weighed. I don’t know why. But the thought of her looking at my weight (the one person who knows what I actually weighed during every pregnancy) with the added boot weight was just horrific in my mind. She looked at me and said in jest, “Do you know how much it weighs?” I swallowed my pride and climbed up. As I watched the scale slide further over I just cringed. This just kept getting better and better.

It was then that she showed me to a room. WAIT!! She didn’t prick my finger! I don’t know if she forgot or if it’s not practice anymore, but there was no way I was bringing it up and I almost skipped to the room behind her. Okay, it was more of a hobble, but it was a peppy hobble.

She handed me the standard paper couture gown and as I rocked it, I sat on the table trying to figure out how my boot was going to fit in a stirrup. Then I started to look around. I saw the familiar posters of pregnant mothers showing the various stages. I saw pamphlets on different types of cancer and treatments. And then it hit me.

Confession five is the hardest of all. I was a horrible, horrible person. Here I was, sitting on this table waiting on a regular check-up, with regular every day problems. For the most part, I had been healthy for the three years I had so conveniently skipped my check-ups. So many women walked into that room, looked at those same posters, wore the paper gown and had much bigger problems than weight, a busted ankle or a pricked finger. They were wondering if their baby would have a heartbeat. They were trying to decide how to tell their family about a diagnosis that might change their lives forever. They were crying, feeling hurt, alone, and angry.

I felt terribly ungrateful. As I sat there on that table, I realized just how blessed I am. Sometimes, as humans, our lives get so complicated. We get overwhelmed and frustrated. Each one of us has moments in the valley where life just doesn’t seem to get any better. At this point, I was pretty low in the valley as I sat there on the table drowning in my “problems.” It took putting myself in someone else’s shoes to realize that the things I was allowing to eat at me weren’t as big as they seemed. I have been that person sitting in that room praying over and over, “Let them see something, let there be a heartbeat.” It’s ten million times worse than a bum ankle.

It also reminded me that I am called to see past my own life and circumstances, and comfort those around me. It was a God thing that the very next Sunday School lesson we sat through the following Sunday was about reaching out and comforting others. It’s more than just offering to pray or sending them a card, but actually being present in the lives of those who are hurting. It was on that table that I decided that I would be as present as possible when I knew of someone going through a struggle. Instead of offering to bring them food, actually doing it without asking. I would not only send a card, but make a follow-up call or visit. Instead of offering to keep their kids, come over and drag all their kiddos out to our car and to the park.

Some of our friends will never ask for our help. Even if they really, really need it, they will try to keep that need hidden because they don’t want to come across as weak. I am that person. Social media has become another place where women especially feel the need to keep up appearances. Most of you know, I try to keep it as real as possible on that end. But when I get in over my head, when I am really struggling, those are the times I am absent from social media. If I can’t post reality, I usually just shy away from it entirely. If you see a friend missing from social media, reach out. There is probably a reason.

In a world of me, me, me, it’s time we make a change. I believe our country is at a crossroads. One of the ways for us to get back on the right path is to think about others more than ourselves. We need to show love, even when we don’t feel so amazing or loved ourselves. Seeing beyond our own circumstances and realizing that we can make a difference in the lives of others is one of God’s gifts to us. We can be the change. And when we start moving beyond our own circumstances, other people around us will follow. So stop sitting on the table, get up and make a difference!

On friendship

Many years ago, I remember my mom and dad sitting me down and talking to me about choosing friends. They thought it was such an important topic that we actually had multiple discussions about it. They often explained why I wouldn't be able to go with certain friends, or why sometimes it was best to walk away from other friends. At the time, the information was more irritating and frustrating for me than anything.

Thennnnn....I got older. I realize now that the friends I keep not only say a lot about me, but encourage me to stay on the right path. Anthony and I were falling madly in love again on a date at the BBQ Shack awhile back, (Well, let's be honest, I was falling in love with my very tasty chicken and stew) and started talking about personal friends of ours that had come to us for advice, to vent, or to help find a solution to a problem. We also talked about looking to our friends for advice for ourselves or to help us think through an issue.

It was at that moment that it really hit home for me--my parents were totally right. I mean, I saw it when I was a kid, but I think the irritation I had about it blinded me to the real truth of it all. What kid wants their parents to give them advice about friends, right?
    
People, let's be honest. If a friend of ours comes to us complaining about their husband or wife, we often commiserate right? "Oh yeah! My husband is a total butt too! I mean just the other day he......."
Even worse, we might start talking about how awful the person they are talking about is--and in that moment, we become the kind of friend my parents warned me about so many years ago.
    
Of course, at this point you are probably wondering what kind of hoodlums my parents were warning me against. First, they warned me against people who would tempt me to jeopardize my stance as a Christian. That was always first and foremost. Anyone who would lead me away from Christ was not someone I wanted to hang with regularly. They also warned about the dramatic friends. Ladies, you know these folks. They are the ones that encourage the gossip and the back stabbing. The ones who still get that high off the middle school drama and live each new day for something--more like someone--to destroy. The third type were the "Beat-you-down-so-I-feel-better" friends. Men and women are both culprits in this. "My job is just so awesome and you know you wish you could be me." "My kids are just angels in the grocery store! I don't think I have ever had to peel even one of them from the toy or candy aisle. They would NEVER behave so savagely." There were many others, but these were some of the most prevalent at the stage of life I was in at the time.
    
As Anthony and I discussed some good advice he had given his friend, I thought to myself, "What would have happened had he encouraged him in a more negative direction?" How many times has a friend of mine come to me and vented about their husband, kids, and/or friends and I have just jumped right in and either bashed them or someone close to me? This made me reevaluate what kind of friend I truly am to others.
    
As women, I think we tend to fall into this trap a little more than men. Probably because our conversations are more in-depth and longer than men. That is to say we blab way more than they do. Plus, sometimes I feel like I have to relate to the person talking to me so I might go into a similar story to show they are not alone. But how often does that come across as total validation to the point that their husband really is a total doofus? Let's get one thing straight. My husband makes mistakes, but one thing he is not is a doofus. He never needs to be portrayed that way to others, nor does anyone else I tend to share about to friends. My intention never was to make him out that way either, but looking back, I wonder if it made others feel that way.
    
I want to be more like my husband in the way he gives advice to his friends. He is kind. He comes across as understanding without sharing stories about how I mess up. All of his advice lines up with the Word of God and is backed by that truth. I will totally be upfront with you right here. A lot of times, my advice lines up with what I have experienced. That's not always a bad thing, but it's not always the best way. God's ways are often not my ways, so making sure my advice lines up with His truth lines up with that first thing my parents warned me about. I will be a friend who does not jeopardize someone's walk with Christ or their knowledge of the truth.
   
One thing I can't stand in my life is drama. In school, you have many dramatic times. (Thank you hormones and boys!) You also have many dramatic friends. There are always secrets to be had and lies to spread. It drove me crazy then and it does today. For some people though, the need for drama is like their need for oxygen. They can't live without it, and if they aren't part of some, they will go out actively looking for it in order to get their fill for the day. Even though I hate it, there are still some moments I get caught up in it. Even men can fall prey to the drama predator. I have seen men get involved in petty schemes just to get ahead. I will be a friend who doesn't add to the overwhelming drama of this world. I will be your drama free zone.
    
The easiest thing in the world to be is a bully. Believe me, I know this one to be very true. Even the nicest person in the world can revert to bully-ish tendencies without a thought. Think about bullies. What are they doing? They are tearing others down to make themselves feel better. It gives them satisfaction. I think most people reading this would not call themselves a bully. But have you ever had that moment where, maybe not even on purpose, you said words that put your friend down, but lifted you up? I will admit, I have done it. Maybe I was having a not-so-good day and they just happened to be there. I honestly believe that we all have a bully inside us, ready to rear its ugly head when given the chance. Some of us just let that bully out more than others. I also think that there are people who let the bully loose and don't even realize what they are doing. For instance, someone very close to me had a very good friend who spent the majority of their time together talking about how great their life was and went on and on about their life. The other person, hardly got to share anything in the conversation. When they did try to share, the "conversation bully" as I like to call them, would turn the conversation back to them and how their story was better. I witnessed this once when they invited me to dinner with them. I was blown away and thought to myself, am I always trying to one-up my friends or do I really listen? Am I putting them down to lift myself up? I didn't like the answer that I came up with. I will be friend who isn't a bully, even unconsciously. I will be a friend who truly listens and builds you up even when my day may be the worst. I will not be a "one-upper."
    
What kind of friend are you? Would people even call you a friend? Do you even get the opportunities to make these kind of promises? When I asked myself these questions, I realized I wasn't even giving myself many opportunities to be a friend, much less be a good one. So here's my manifesto--I will make time to be a friend. In that time I will be a good one. I will be a friend that doesn't ask you to compromise your walk with our Father or I will do my best to lead you to him. I will be your drama and judgment free space where you can come and be yourself. I will not be a one upping bully who puts her needs before yours. I will be a friend your parents would encourage you to choose.
   
Now go check out our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/happinessandhavocblog/. Leave a comment telling us what you look for in a friend? What kind of friends do you warn your kids against? What's your advice on how to be a good friend?

Cox Disney Vacation Day 1-2

We thought it would be fun to reflect and recap each day of our trip. This one will be a combination of the first two days. We left the house yesterday at about 3:30 to pick up our rental car. Jen's dad was going to ride with us to Oakwood and then drive our car back home. We have never rented a car before, but with the Pilot having 200k miles on it now, we thought it might be prudent (I knew you were going to use that word. You're such a nerd.) to spend $260 to avoid some of the risk of the car breaking down. We had rented Nissan Altima or similar. We got a Chevrolet Malibu LT, which is fine. It smeels a little like smoke, but the Dollar Tree air fresheners have helped.

Turns out this car has some auto-stop feature. The first time we noticed it was when we were sitting on the ramp at Spaghetti Junction trying to merge onto I-285. We were sitting still and the car engine just shut off. No one told us that was going to happen. Then I saw the tachometer had a label for auto-stop. I had heard Clark Howard talk about this one time, but I've never seen a car that has it. It's like gas powered golf cart. It shuts off while you're not moving. Then, when you let off the brake, the engine starts back up. I'll admit I thought for a second the car had died right there in ATL traffic.

We enjoyed a great visit with our buddies from college in Warner Robins. If you don't know Jeff Hames, you should. He gives the worlds best hugs. I have missed those hugs. We chose Burger King as the destination since they have three kids and we have three kids. It worked out beautifully. We had made a decision recently to try to see friends more, especially on trips. I'm glad we did. I hadn't seen them since college. Jen saw them a year or two ago taking photos. And you call me a hermit. 

We drove on to Valdosta and arrived at Country Inn and Suites for our night's stay. It was less than $100. I found the room on trivago.com after searching for a long time. Hotels were really expensive for some reason. Trivago was the only site that showed Groupon as the lowest price for this hotel. I don't know what trivago is. You should get out more. You're such a hermit. Groupon isn't listed on any other of the discount sites that I could tell. So I'm going to remember that in the future. 

It turned out that this place had a nice indoor swimming pool and hot tub. So after the decent breakfast we swam for a bit before we headed out. I am desperate, by the way, to find a hotel site that displays ONLY hotels with indoor swimming pools. When you have kids, it is a must in most cases. Also, Anthony is afraid of the sun, and I'm afraid of cold water. Fortunately the water was really warm. I did find one site a few years back that lets you add indoor pool as a search parameter, but now I can't remember what it is. Shocker. Shut up.

We headed out sometime after 11 and had the longest car ride in the history of the world. Well, it felt like it. The kids were awake for most of it. We went straight to Winter Summerland Miniature Golf Course at Disney. We had coupons to play that came with the vacation package. It was pretty neat. I had several hole-in-ones. You say holes-in-one. Whatever. I'll give you a hole in one.

After that, we went over to check into our hotel where we'll stay just tonight. It's a 4-start hotel called Caribe Royale we got on Priceline Express Deals. Sounds like a James Bond movie, doesn't it? I feel like I should have a fancy girl's name like Kitty Litter. It's pretty nice, but the cost for the room was $98 and the final cost went to about $150 after taxes and the "hotel fee." Still a pretty good deal for the hotel, the area, and a Saturday night near Disney. And it has a swimming pool with a water slide and a waterfall. 

We enjoyed those amenities for a bit, but with the wind blowing it was really chilly. Jen did not partake. I enjoyed covering myself with four towels. We went over to Disney Springs to look at some shops and planning to eat. it was so crowded we had do find a Moe's instead. It took a lot for me to convince Jen to go to Moe's. 

Tomorrow starts our Disney adventure at Disney's Hollywood Studios. The boys are really looking foward to it.

Finally, here's a section we like to call "Things they said." We'll do one with each post.

Things they said...

Reilly-When we were asking him to introduce himself to Jeff and Jen's kids: I'm not into it right now. (He had just woke up.)

Lady in the line next to me at the hotel's continental breakfast- She asked me how I was, and I replied and then asked how she was. She said: Very good. It's a nice day. You have a nice beard.

Jase-While swimming in the pool talking with Jen: Daddy's in the little tub and he's farting. (I was in the hot tub.)

Reilly-When he came out with a comb that flips out and Jen asked him where he got it: Daddy's little spy kit. (It's a manicure set.)

Anthony-As I'm looking at Google Maps and it shows time it will take to get a lift: Book an Uber with Goober Maps. (I meant Google.)

Jen-There's a cop up there. Ant: That's not a cop. That's a boat with a tarp. Jen: Well I saw the glare off the windows. Ant: You saw the windows on the boat?

Jase-After he got out of the pool this evening: Mommy, I have freeze bumps.

Small investment big return

It's 11 PM and we just got home from an exciting basketball game as Piedmont knocked off Maryville at home. I still don't like Maryville. (I wish it were easier to switch back and forth between text colors. Probably not a whole lot of people do that.) Maryville has the worst school colors ever. Maroon and orange are not a good combination. 

In any event, it's always fun when we beat Maryville. Jen's team did it often back in the day, but the men's team never did when I was playing. Yeah you should have said it's always fun when OTHER people beat Maryville since you never did. One thing that made this one even more fun for me is calling the game on the radio. I've been able to follow the team closely and get to watch them improve game by game, currently on a 7 game winning streak.

Having said all that, it is a pretty big time commitment for me. I'm doing both the men's and women's games, and there are I think 11 games in January, and I had games this past week on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. That means our kids have been either without their dad or at the gym. What's wrong with being at the gym? And it also means I don't have my personal chef for dinner. 

I have tried to get the boys involved a little. I've had the kids on the air a little bit, and they both have used the extra headset to listen in to large portions of the game. And they've really enjoyed it. In fact, Reilly is Chase England's biggest stalker...I mean fan.

But no matter what, it is still a struggle...maybe struggle isn't the right word...it's still difficult to manage the boys either at home or at the gym while he is enjoying himself so much. 

At first I wasn't a big fan of the idea (at first?). If you read my last blog post, I'm already spending a lot of time on my own with the kids So the added time of him being away is difficult for me. I talk to kids all day long.

Not to mention, if she brings the kids to the game, they are often going to bed really late. I think they just now all three fell asleep at 11:10 PM. (On a side note, we're not those really good parents that do a good job of keeping their kids on a schedule. If you're looking for advice on that, go read another blog. Or talk to Jacob and Robin Thome. They were always good at it,) What that means is that tomorrow they might struggle to get up and get focused in the morning. And what that means is they will be big pains in the hind-end tomorrow.

A few things to take away from this...

First, as Jen mentioned, she was not and probably is not a big fan of the time I've committed to this venture. But, she knows that I enjoy it. Maybe she thinks it's a stupid thing to enjoy, but she knows I do. I don't think it's stupid. That's not a nice thing to say. I don't think it's stupid...I just miss you. Hahaha! I literally laughed in her face. But in all seriousness, both of us have to be careful about things we choose to allow to take up our time. With Jen doing photography, our time together is even more limited since much of the sessions are done on weekends or after work hours.

I try to go with her as much as I can, especially on the weekends when the opportunity presents itself. And she tries to go to the games with me when she can, or if she can't she even sometimes listens to me on the radio and texts me to tell me my side comments are killing her. Well, that's because the comments are stupid. But this is the second take away...when your spouse enjoys something, even if you don't quite get why they enjoy it, try to support them, but more than that, try to participate with them in some way. I just want to point out here that I have no hobbies. What do you call LuLaRoe then? That's called an addiction.

Another take away from this that we learned a long time ago is that it is important to invest time in your marriage, or more importantly into each other.When we were first married, we spent a great deal of time apart due to both of us working long hours at our jobs. Yours was more fun. At the time we were not devoting much time into growing our relationship. I think we suffered because of that. Every day of our marriage is the new best day of my life. (...sigh...eye roll...) What he means to say is, we are a work in progress (key word...work), and part of that work is spending time with each other and learning about each other. For instance, when your wife tells you exactly what she wants for Christmas and you go out and do the opposite, you probably should spend more time learning about each other.

(Changing subject) I think it's important that, even though there are times when one spouse will do things apart from the family that most of the time is spent together. We pretty much do everything together. (This kids even like to try to join us when we're going to the bathroom. Can I write that? Sure. You should put when one of us goes to the bathroom, It sounds like we're all going to the bathroom.) Maybe our outside friendships suffer because of that, but that's not the most important thing in my view. It's possibly also because we don't have any friends. That's not true. But we make every effort to never spend nights apart and always have. 

In the end, your spouse is who you will end up with, and by investing your time and learning to enjoy what they enjoy, you're investing in a happier future for yourselves. And you know what they say, a happy wife is a happy life (do guys even read blogs?).