Top 10: How NOT to settle an argument

Some days, we are not very good at communication. Whether it be with our kids, our extended family, or even our animals, we struggle with getting our point across without ticking someone off. Of course that can lead to arguments. I don't ever tick anyone off. You're right. You're perfect. In truth, I messed up in the communication department yesterday. We thought it would be good to provide some tips for how to NOT communicate, or argue, with your spouse.

1. Stare at your phone when your spouse is talking to you. Whenever we say we're listening but are engaged with our phones or watching television or using the computer, we're not really listening. Or we're not hearing, or internalizing what we're hearing. And it's very disrespectful. I like to tell the boys that we listen with our ears and our eyes. I think a basketball coach told me that one time. Anyone who didn't listen with their eyes got pegged in the head with the basketball. You must have gotten hit a lot as a kid. No. I'm a very good listener.
2. Interrupt your spouse when they are speaking. Not only does this frustrate and anger me, I will lose my train of thought and really start to not make sense. I feel like sometimes Anthony does it out of defensiveness, but I wish he would let me finish before he interjects. It probably is out of defensiveness. Serious practical question though...how should one hold onto thoughts while they are trying to listen intently but at the same time not forget the thought that popped into their head? Well, obviously don't make a note on your cell phone (see #1). I'm probably the worst person to answer that question since being with the children all day drains any ability to remember any comment that I would make. Letting me finish would also you time to really think about what you're going to say before you say it as well. Sometimes you interject before I can even get a full thought out, and it might address the point you are making when you interject. Sometimes my points are so great they just can't be constrained any longer.
3. Always assume you are right. My mom got me a shirt when I was a kid that had a picture of Calvin Hobbes on it and it read, "I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right." I really do believe I'm right most of the time. Even when you're not. Which is rare. But I have to make sure I am considering that there is a possibility, however slight it may be, that my spouse is right. And you wonder why we argue.
4. When one asks "What's the problem?" you say "You're the problem." Sometimes you *are* the problem. I think what you mean is you shouldn't make negative comments about your spouse. Those are not words of affirmation. Those are words of deaffirmation. That's not a word. It feels like a word. I think the point here is that you shouldn't tear down your spouse even when you're angry. It blocks the line of communication before communication can even begin.
5. Use your outside voice. This is the most effective way to kill any chance of having an optimal conclusion to a discussion. What makes it worse is when the kids are around. I like my outside voice. It gets things done. So do washing machines. I just want to point out here that Anthony is giggling like a little girl at his own joke that isn't funny and he also compared me to a washing machine. But when J.R. reads it, I won't be giggling alone anymore.
6. Bring up past mistakes. I'll admit this is a fault of mine. As much as I don't want to do it, I often keep a catalog of what you do wrong in my head. How do you have room in there for all that? It's a gift. I may not be able to remember our children's names, but I can remember that one time you were a butt a week ago. I'm glad it was only one. But I think this is difficult for everyone, to not allow the past to influence today's situation. And I think as Christians, we are called to forgive and forget. Well, maybe not forget, but forgive. If we continue to bring it up then we really haven't forgiven. I was about to make the exact same point. (One Couple moment) Forgetting can be nearly impossible for some, especially depending on the severity of the mistakes. I think sometimes it's important not to forget. Remembering gives us the opportunity to see the growth in our spouse, really see how far they've come. Maybe this is wrong, but since you mentioned earlier making a note on the phone, I have saved in my phone some things that you said to me one time. They weren't nice, but they were probably deserved and true. So I keep them saved and see them every once in a while to remember that I don't want to be the way I was at that point in time. Do you save the good things too? Those are written on my heart. Gag me.
7. Walk away while your spouse is talking to you. I will admit. I do this a lot. But, I want to say that it is self-preservation. I don't want to say something I'll regret. Apparently you keep a record book on your phone of the horrible things I say. No, just that one time; and they weren't horrible. Truth hurts sometimes. On this topic, at least from my standpoint, this is one of the most frustrating and maddening things you can do to your spouse. I get the idea to remove yourself from the situation. But it feels like a slap in the face. If I slapped you, you would know it. You probably walk away so you don't.
8. Keep your thoughts to yourself. While Jen tends to pretty much say things she thinks, I, to a fault, tend to go the other direction. I'm likely to not say things that probably need to be said. It may be my way to avoid further levels of confrontation. Are you scared of me? No. But I might be scared of what your reaction would be if I actually say what I think. Just that it might make you more angry. I actually get really upset when you won't tell me how you feel or what you're thinking. It's a one-sided fight, and that's very boring. I knew you enjoyed arguing with me. I enjoy winning.
9. Say things you'll be ashamed of later. Once it comes out, you can't take it back. It's been heard and internalized by your spouse. And as you said, things are hard to forget once they're heard. There needs to be a balance between telling the truth and not tearing the other person down. The truth hurts, but it shouldn't destroy. Nice one! You should put that quote in your coffee table book of inspirational quotes and photos. Well it's true. I have said a lot of things that I have been ashamed of after the fact. Not just to you, but to people in general. It might have been true at the time, but I could have said it in a way that was less destructive. Less deaffirming. Still not a word.
10. Go to bed angry. This is a big one for me. My sleep is terrible if we go to bed angry at each other. You seem to sleep fine though. There aren't too many things that keep me up at night. But this can be a challenge when you're not sure your spouse wants to resolve the dispute. You don't know if you don't try. You also don't get slapped if you don't try. A girl wants a man that will fight for her. Or, in your case, just fight her. I'm being serious here. I think it's something that we dream about as little kids, of having a spouse that will fight to make things right. I think part of that is also your personality in that you would prefer me to be more assertive at times, including in this area. Basically I'm trying to say be a man. Exactly. But there have been points during our long and arduous marriage (...eye roll...) where I have wanted to make amends but felt like you could care less because you could sleep through it no matter what. I can actually remember times where I cried myself to sleep. But that shows pridefulness on my part. I should have made the effort to make things right on my own instead of expecting you to step up to the plate. You are more likely to issue an apology the next day. It goes both ways for me. And you're more likely to issue an apology via a text message the next day, like today.