Let me set the stage. Monday early afternoon (Memorial Day so I was off work), Day 4 of Jen's birthday weekend extravaganza celebration (also known as Jenapalooza). I was doing the dishes, the boys were upstairs cleaning their rooms to get ready for a friend coming over the next day, and Jen was somewhere in the house doing something (I don't know what). Jen comes to me with car keys in hand and says, "I'm going to town." I said, "Going to town? What do you mean 'Going to town'?" "What I said, going to town." "What does that mean? Going to town to do what?" "I don't know I'm just going to go to town and go around and do stuff." "What town, around here?" "I don't know." "Well, do you want us to go with you or do you want to go alone?" "Whatever it doesn't matter." "Okay well I was just going to clean for now and I know the boys need to finish cleaning their rooms." "Okay well I'm going to go so I can get out of the house. I'm not going to spend all day sitting around here." "Well do you want us to come with you or not?" "It doesn't matter, but I am going." "Okay, go ahead and I will have to stay and monitor the boys." "Fine, I'm not going."
There was more to it after that, mostly after Jen sat on the couch me "encouraging" her to get out of the house. I don't think I got the quotes verbatim, but it's pretty close and gives you the idea. Do you see where I messed up? It was one word. Maybe two. "...have to..." I think things would have ended better if I had just omitted those two words. Maybe not, though. Jen says my tone stinks. My mom always said that too. So even when I don't say the wrong thing I usually say it the wrong way. I tell Jen to just think the *best* of me, that no matter my tone my intentions were good and I have her best interest in mind. Besides, I'm monotone! I can't help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Was that an appropriate use of a thousand exclamation points, ladies?)
Let me explain my thought process here from the beginning. Jen does not like to be alone. She doesn't like to go places alone. One might think that since she is around the three boys all day most days that she would want to leave the house by herself occasionally. That's not the case. She does not like to be alone. Sometimes I try to get her just to go drive around or go to Walmart or whatever store on her own. She doesn't like to do that. She likes to be around people (except for when she doesn't).
So when she came to me saying she was leaving to "go to town," I couldn't believe that she actually wanted to leave by herself. I would have been perfectly fine with that, of course. But I kept prying and pushing because I assumed she didn't really want to go alone. So I was trying to figure out what she really wanted in this case, because she was not just coming out and telling me.
Normally I would have just told the boys to get ready because we were gonna head out. But in this case, I knew they needed to finish cleaning their rooms so the friend could come over. So I felt obligated to make sure they did that. So there was part of the struggle, trying to decide which thing was more important at that time, making sure the boys finished with their rooms or making sure my wife's wants or needs were fulfilled.
Another part of my thought process, to be honest, was trying to figure out why in the world she wanted to leave the house. We had been out with friends and had a great time on Friday for dinner and the escape experience. Saturday was lunch with the family at Bar-b-que Shack in Toccoa and then she went shopping for a while in Commerce. Sunday was church and then Moe’s for dinner and some shopping. Here we were on Monday, me thinking we had enjoyed a full weekend and ready to wind down for the week ahead.
The problem was this. Jen had taken the weekend off from work. In case you don't know, she works pretty much every day. If she doesn't have one or more shoots scheduled in a day, she is editing and doing other necessary things for the business. Most days she is doing both. She has sessions almost every Saturday and most Sundays. She works all the time, and she works very hard. But when she takes a weekend off of work, she doesn't want to sit around and relax. She is not an introvert. She wants to be out doing things, seeing people, enjoying life, experiencing things. It's the same thing on vacation. We can relax when we're dead. She wants to be out doing things. And I have really come to appreciate that about her.
So one thing that I finally have learned after this weekend's experience is that if she has scheduled a weekend to not work, by golly I better have that weekend jam packed full of stuff to do. And next time I will try my darndest.
Actually we talked a few minutes after our discussion and after I tried to encourage (really force) her to leave the house. I came to her and explained that I was pushing and pushing because I really was trying to understand what her wishes were at that moment. Did she really want to leave alone? Did she want to get away from the rest of us? Did she want us all to go? I explained how I couldn't believe she actually wanted to go by herself because of how she doesn't like to be alone. Then, I really messed up in the way I said the last sentence. I explained to her that what I really meant was that it was okay that she was going, but I was trying to convey that I could not go because I needed to monitor the boys and make sure they were doing what they needed to be doing.
From her perspective, I kept pushing and pushing, and the last sentence was the last straw. She further explained that she has to be home ALL THE TIME. She wanted that weekend to be a time where she didn't have to sit in the house. She truly just wanted to get out of the house. And now I understand that better.
In the end we decided to load up the car and drive down to Sams Club, which closed at 6 after we arrived at 5:55. Then we went to Goodwill where we found a really nice dresser for $60. We're not sure yet what we're going to do with it, but it was a good deal we thought. And we went to eat at Little Italy. So that was our third day out of four driving to Gainesville or further south. It turned out okay.
As I mentioned, I learned a couple of lessons (again). One or two words, or my tone, can make all the difference in what I mean to say and what Jen hears me say (with her pink ears). I also learned that when Jen has a weekend without work she wants to do stuff outside the house, no matter what the other circumstances. I think I also learned instead of asking a bunch of the same questions different ways it's probably better for me to get straight to the point and say what's going on in my mind so that she can help me understand. One thing I know is that she wants me to speak up more, even if it's going to make her mad. What so cool is I was able to make her mad in this case without even speaking up. Now that takes talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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