I love Mr. Darcy

I have always loved Pride and Prejudice. From the moment I first read the book, I felt this amazing connection with Elizabeth Bennett. In my mind, I was her. We had way too many similar qualities, I was just born in the wrong time period.

I have to admit, I love almost anything that was written by Jane Austen. I think she has the most realistic romances and shows the back and forth that really goes on between a man and woman. I have even loved the movies for the most part. In fact, I have even been able to get Anthony to enjoy the newer Pride and Prejudice with me. (He probably won’t admit it, but he does enjoy it. Now, as for the much longer version, I doubt he could attempt that.) He appreciates Mr. Darcy’s character—probably because he is so much like him.

Ever since I can remember, romance was a big deal for me. Even when I was dating, I loved the notes and letters, the long phone calls, and just the anticipation of it all. When I started dating Anthony, I realized that he lacked a little in the romance department, but I totally felt like I could make up for whatever he lacked and that he would learn from my example.  Ladies, let’s get one thing straight before we move on. Anyone who thinks they can change a man is sadly mistaken. No matter what the trait is, you will not be able to change a man. Only God can bring about change. He can use you to bring it about, but you cannot do it yourself.

Once we got married, I realized he just didn’t get it. It didn’t matter how much I led by example, he didn’t really live up to my idea of what romance should be. I had these grand ideas (thanks cheesy romantic movies) of what he would be and how much we would be in love. It was heartbreaking and a little shocking when these grand ideas never panned out.

After awhile I realized I had forgotten about my favorite love story—Pride and Prejudice. Ladies, let’s be real. Women dote on Mr. Darcy like he was some amazing hero in that story. He is so far from that it isn’t funny. Remember, he pretty much insults the girl he’s proposing to! He was always cocky for his own good. He had a sense that he was better than everyone else. He was pretty much the biggest pain in the butt that Elizabeth could imagine. However, it was his good traits that eventually outweighed the bad. He was not a perfect man. In fact, he was pretty far from it. Once he realized his faults though, he became exactly what Elizabeth needed—even when she didn’t realize it.

That’s when I realized that I had everything completely backwards. I had my very own Mr. Darcy and didn’t even realize it. I was expecting him to be something out of one of those cheesy romantic comedies when he was a Jane Austen character. It was at that point that I started to realize that Anthony was romantic in his own way.

It took awhile for me to see it, but I started to notice the little things that he did. He cooks for me because he likes it, but he also knows I hate it. He lets me put my cold feet on him in the middle of the night, even though I know it drives him crazy. He tries very hard to enjoy things that I like, even though some of those things are not his cup of tea at all.

It was in those moments that I realized that I was being selfish. He was romantic in his own way and I was expecting him to be something he was not—something that wasn’t real. While Anthony’s proposal was way more romantic than Mr. Darcy’s first attempt, I was amazed at how I had missed the similarity in those earlier years.

I have to add, he gets better with time. While he is still not the most romantic gift giver (I once received a Drop Stop for our car for Christmas.), he plans pretty great dates. As I watch him grow into his own version of romanticism, I realize that God is doing a work in him just for me. As much as I berated him about how unromantic he was and instructed him on how he could change, it was really my point of view that needed changing. Only God could open my eyes and help me realize that He’s still “working” on him. Good grief! He’s still “working” on me too. He is continually molding him into the man of my dreams—my own Mr. Darcy.

Fun is part of Happiness!

Jen and I had so much fun during the Facebook Live session last night. As I was thinking about what I was going to write about tonight, I looked at some photos I had snapped recently to remember ideas for future blog posts. I was looking through my photos saved on Google Photos, I looked back all the way to 2006. This reminiscing along with our time last night reminded me of one thing...Jen and I have a lot of fun together.

Yes, of course we used to have more fun time with just the two of us before we had kids, but we still do now. Whenever we have a chance to go out with just the two of us, we get a little goofy, just like we did last night.

What's interesting is that Jen has actually helped me a lot with this over the years. I've mostly been calm and reserved, the cool customer in life, not letting my emotions get too high or too low. But, you know what, sometimes it's okay to get excited about things and act like a kid again. I feel like I missed out on a lot of enjoyment because I was so calculated at times, or not wanting to get too high on the emotional roller coaster.

Even now she says I hate going to places like Disney. That's not true! I'm pretty pumped about it. I think it's going to be a great time, and I always look forward to opportunities to embarrass the boys. Like that time I got the whole Moe's restaurant to sing Happy Birthday to TJ. (Did anyone get that on video?) Classic.

Now, when we get a chance to have date night, we are usually one of two ways. Either we are both so tired that we're like zombies walking around or we're giddy like little school girls enjoying the opportunity to be what we used to be. Just the two of us.

The take away is this...never stop having fun with your spouse. It can only be good for you to enjoy your time together, even if that means walking down a sidewalk beside a major road in Philadelphia wearing matching plaid shorts. (To that end, I've added a few photos below that I enjoyed while thinking back on the fun times we've had.)

What are some of the ways you and your spouse still have fun even if you've been married many years and have kids around all the time? Leave a comment below, or comment on Facebook.

Valentines Day--Big Deal or Small Potatoes? (Facebook Live Volume 1)

This was a lot of fun. Our favorite part was just before 58 minutes in. :) We may make it a regular weekend night event! 

Don't forget to share ideas or topics with us about what you might want to hear our thoughts on and have a dialogue about. We want this to be a community that shares ideas and encouragement with each other. Comment here at the blog site or on Facebook to let us know. 

Nah...I'm good.

“You sure do have your hands full!” I usually hear it once a day at least. “Boy, I bet you’re ready for a girl.” Um……..okay. “Going for number four to get a girl right?” It’s usually at this point that my eyes start to roll, I smile and walk away. 

 

Every place I go, whether I have two of the boys or all three, someone makes a comment. I would wager that 95% of the time it is something about having my hands full or about my prospects for a future daughter. Only about 5% of the time is it someone stopping to tell me how great being a boy mom is or how well behaved my boys are at the moment. 

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start. I have no secret yearning for a daughter. My mom can tell you, I wasn’t the typical girl growing up. I was a tomboy from probably day one. In our house we had a mix of My Little Ponies that were ridden by G.I. Joes (For anyone who has tried this, you can back me up on how hard of a task it is to get those legs on those horses. They were not meant for riding!). My sister and I had a love of Silverhawks and Voltron. Instead of a Barbie house, we had a Thundercat Castle. It’s just the way we were. Oh, my poor mom tried to help us embrace our more feminine side by throwing on the big frilly dresses and forcing us to wear jewelry here and there, but we always came out on the other side just as tomboyish as ever. 

Fast forward about twenty years later to my first child. I wanted a boy. I wanted one so bad it hurt. When I found out TJ was on his way, I couldn’t have been happier. A few years later, I was pumped to find out Reilly was coming. As we approached the arrival of Jase, I got incredibly nervous. What if this was a girl? What would I do with her? I don’t brush my own hair all of the time so what was I going to do with a daughter? All those adorable boy clothes and shoes were going to be wasted. My pregnancy was very different from the other two and Anthony just knew we were having a girl. We found out due to some complications that Jase was a boy fairly early. I was relieved. I was still queen of this castle baby!

I know some moms dream about having a daughter—and that’s awesome! I have an awesome niece that I dote on any chance I get. She’s as close as I ever want to be to having a girl. Now, had the Lord blessed us with a girl, I know I would have learned to deal with my fears. However, I think the Lord knew exactly what he was doing when he sent TJ, Reilly, and Jase to us. I am just a boy mom and I am okay with that. It’s my comfort zone. It’s my happy place. 

So it makes it really irritating when I go out in public and people make these little backhanded comments. Sure, no one means them in a hateful or mean way (I hope), but they are a little insulting in my opinion. I have always felt like it’s the Devil’s way of getting me to question my contentment with what God has given me. “Are you sure you have never wanted a girl? I mean, look at your boys! That one is climbing onto the shelves of dog food like a monkey! And that one, he is telling that man that he looks super old! And the littlest one is taking his pants off in the buggy when he knows he has pooped and smells like the back end of a warthog. Don’t you wish God had just slipped one little girl in there to bring some calmness to the chaos?” Nah…..I am good. 

I always find it funny when I am in a store and I pass by people talking to moms with just girls. You hear comments like, “Oh, she is just so pretty!” Or my favorite, “Look how she’s just sitting there so nicely being all shy.” (This is my favorite mainly because my kids are hanging off the sides of the buggy like crazy lunatics—not so nicely I guess.) Never once have I passed one of these situations where the person was saying, “Wow! Don’t you wish you had a little boy to spice up your world?” I have to admit, I have thought about it a time or two, just to see what kind of response I would get. I have not done it though because of how much I hate that comment. 

Even my grandmother (whom I love dearly and have a great relationship with) commented, “You don’t at all wish you had a little girl? Don’t you have that desire to have one?” I know she didn’t mean to sound like I was a crazy person for wanting this life, but her tone was so…….shocked. I politely told her no and went into detail about why I am a much better mother to boys than I would ever be to a girl. As much as I love my niece Jo Jo, I know that Jessica is a great girl mom. She’s better built for that life. 

I love going into a grocery store (or any store really) and passing another boy mom. You kind of nod your head at each other knowing without a word—respect to you my friend. I saw a shirt once that said, “Boymom—It’s not a description, it’s an experience.” That’s the honest to goodness truth. It’s something that you can only understand by living it. I am sure that being a girl mom is the same way.

Here’s my suggestion to you. The next time you see a person with all the same sex kids, please don’t ask the question about wanting a different life. Assume that they love everything about their awesome little existence and instead say something encouraging. Try, “You are doing a fantastic job and I know you couldn’t wish for better blessings.” You can even say, “Way to go! You must work really hard to raise such great kids (even if those kids aren’t being so great at the moment and are punching each other into next year).” Instead of asking someone to question their contentment, encourage them to focus on the blessing. You might just get a big smile and high five. Or in our case, several high fives that might be a little sticky.

Is Pavlov the boss?

What kind of screen are you reading this on? If the Google Analytics stats are correct, at least 8 out of 10 of you are reading on a cell phone. (Also, if Google Analytics is accurate the average time spent reading the blog per visit is about 1 minute and 22 seconds. Either you all are really fast readers or you're not spending much time here! I'm going to swallow my pride and keep writing.) Before you keep reading, scroll down to the bottom and type a comment with what device you are reading this on (smartphone, computer, tablet, etc.).

I read this blog by Seth Godin yesterday. I'd encourage you to read it as well. I'll wait here while you do. It will take about 1 minute and 22 seconds to read it. In case you didn't read it, I'll summarize. Basically we are addicted to our phones, like a fix, a hit, a high. We are being controlled by these little devices in our pocket. Like Pavlov's dogs, we hear a bell and we respond. Don't we? I usually do.

I got a smartwatch no long ago, and I'm not sure if it's better or worse now. I get notifications right on my wrist. I might look at my phone a little less frequently if we are counting the number of views, but I doubt I look at it less if we're measuring time. My wife likes to remind me about that.

If you read our jointly written blog yesterday, you will remember that one of the topics was spending time together. But, we didn't talk about the quality of the time spent together. If my nose is buried in the phone checking Facebook or Instagram or Google Now or Twitter or... or... or... my actions are belying my words. I may say that time together is important, but I need to make sure I turn the phone off, or get it away from me, or whatever.

Now I know some of you out there will say, "Well, I don't have a Facebook account" or "I don't have the Facebook app on my phone." Well, what do you have? You might have Pinterest. You might have the ESPN app. You might have Netflix, or YouTube, or... or... or... Most of us are guilty of this to some extent. That's one reason you see folks saying they are going on a social media "fast" or that they're "taking a break from Facebook" for a while.

I'm so guilty of this that I put a note on my phone to remind me not to let it consume me. You know how you can put apps together in a folder on your phone? Well, I have one for social media apps. I long ago changed the name of the folder to "Don't Waste Your Life." See...

I'm not sure why we're addicted. We use it to keep up with other people, usually so we can compare lives to those of others. That's not a winning proposition. We use it to keep up with news. Isn't it a lot of fun reading about politics and protests and celebrities? We use it to kill time, hours of our lives at a time. We do use it for good as well, to encourage others, to keep up with family and friends for the right reasons, to let others share in our blessings. Let's do more of that.

I don't really have much advice here, because frankly I'm not in any position to give it. The blog post I referenced earlier about Pavlov reminded me that I need to spend time on things that matter (like writing for you!). I purpose to spend more real time with my kids and my wife, to look at people when they're talking to me, to leave the phone in another room sometimes. And I also am determined to call people more to talk. There are so many friends of mine from years ago that I need to talk to, and not via Facebook Messenger or SMS. I'm going to call them. So if you're a friend and you haven't talked to me in a while, send me your number 

For everyone else reading, here's my only advice. Don't waste your life.

P.S. If you want to make sure to not miss one of our blog posts. if you're on a computer or tablet subscribe to email delivery on the right side of the page by entering your email under the FOLLOW BY EMAIL label. If you're reading on your phone, you might need to scroll to the bottom of the page and tap View Web Version first. That way you can do productive things while staring at your phone.  

Small investment big return

It's 11 PM and we just got home from an exciting basketball game as Piedmont knocked off Maryville at home. I still don't like Maryville. (I wish it were easier to switch back and forth between text colors. Probably not a whole lot of people do that.) Maryville has the worst school colors ever. Maroon and orange are not a good combination. 

In any event, it's always fun when we beat Maryville. Jen's team did it often back in the day, but the men's team never did when I was playing. Yeah you should have said it's always fun when OTHER people beat Maryville since you never did. One thing that made this one even more fun for me is calling the game on the radio. I've been able to follow the team closely and get to watch them improve game by game, currently on a 7 game winning streak.

Having said all that, it is a pretty big time commitment for me. I'm doing both the men's and women's games, and there are I think 11 games in January, and I had games this past week on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. That means our kids have been either without their dad or at the gym. What's wrong with being at the gym? And it also means I don't have my personal chef for dinner. 

I have tried to get the boys involved a little. I've had the kids on the air a little bit, and they both have used the extra headset to listen in to large portions of the game. And they've really enjoyed it. In fact, Reilly is Chase England's biggest stalker...I mean fan.

But no matter what, it is still a struggle...maybe struggle isn't the right word...it's still difficult to manage the boys either at home or at the gym while he is enjoying himself so much. 

At first I wasn't a big fan of the idea (at first?). If you read my last blog post, I'm already spending a lot of time on my own with the kids So the added time of him being away is difficult for me. I talk to kids all day long.

Not to mention, if she brings the kids to the game, they are often going to bed really late. I think they just now all three fell asleep at 11:10 PM. (On a side note, we're not those really good parents that do a good job of keeping their kids on a schedule. If you're looking for advice on that, go read another blog. Or talk to Jacob and Robin Thome. They were always good at it,) What that means is that tomorrow they might struggle to get up and get focused in the morning. And what that means is they will be big pains in the hind-end tomorrow.

A few things to take away from this...

First, as Jen mentioned, she was not and probably is not a big fan of the time I've committed to this venture. But, she knows that I enjoy it. Maybe she thinks it's a stupid thing to enjoy, but she knows I do. I don't think it's stupid. That's not a nice thing to say. I don't think it's stupid...I just miss you. Hahaha! I literally laughed in her face. But in all seriousness, both of us have to be careful about things we choose to allow to take up our time. With Jen doing photography, our time together is even more limited since much of the sessions are done on weekends or after work hours.

I try to go with her as much as I can, especially on the weekends when the opportunity presents itself. And she tries to go to the games with me when she can, or if she can't she even sometimes listens to me on the radio and texts me to tell me my side comments are killing her. Well, that's because the comments are stupid. But this is the second take away...when your spouse enjoys something, even if you don't quite get why they enjoy it, try to support them, but more than that, try to participate with them in some way. I just want to point out here that I have no hobbies. What do you call LuLaRoe then? That's called an addiction.

Another take away from this that we learned a long time ago is that it is important to invest time in your marriage, or more importantly into each other.When we were first married, we spent a great deal of time apart due to both of us working long hours at our jobs. Yours was more fun. At the time we were not devoting much time into growing our relationship. I think we suffered because of that. Every day of our marriage is the new best day of my life. (...sigh...eye roll...) What he means to say is, we are a work in progress (key word...work), and part of that work is spending time with each other and learning about each other. For instance, when your wife tells you exactly what she wants for Christmas and you go out and do the opposite, you probably should spend more time learning about each other.

(Changing subject) I think it's important that, even though there are times when one spouse will do things apart from the family that most of the time is spent together. We pretty much do everything together. (This kids even like to try to join us when we're going to the bathroom. Can I write that? Sure. You should put when one of us goes to the bathroom, It sounds like we're all going to the bathroom.) Maybe our outside friendships suffer because of that, but that's not the most important thing in my view. It's possibly also because we don't have any friends. That's not true. But we make every effort to never spend nights apart and always have. 

In the end, your spouse is who you will end up with, and by investing your time and learning to enjoy what they enjoy, you're investing in a happier future for yourselves. And you know what they say, a happy wife is a happy life (do guys even read blogs?). 

Losing what I wanted finding what I needed

The last time I felt confident that I knew the direction my life was headed, I was 23 years old. I was at my ideal weight, happily married (or so I thought—it definitely gets better with time), ready to start teaching, and wanting to change the lives of students in the Christian school at which I had almost missed my wedding rehearsal to interview for (that’s another blog post for another time). I enjoyed everything about teaching and coaching. I worked ridiculously long hours and invested everything I had into the job and the kids. I felt like I was doing exactly what I had been called to do. 

Four years in, we decided we were ready for kids. I thought I was ready until the pregnancy test read positive. I will never forget crying like a baby in total shock and absolute fear. I wasn’t sad or upset, just terrified about the whole experience—from labor and delivery to being a mother. (Plus, everyone kept telling me it would take months. I thought I would have time to prepare myself for this.) Once the shock wore off, I was fine and along came TJ. It was a hard decision, but I decided to leave full-time teaching. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but hoped God would provide. 

Two months in, I started feeling claustrophobic. I was nursing exclusively and I felt overwhelmed—like I never did anything but change diapers and nurse a baby. When TJ was three months, I went back to working at a school part-time. I enjoyed it and ended up back in the classroom where I thought I wanted to be. I didn’t coach during my part-time experience and I missed it so bad it literally hurt. Then we found out Reilly was on the way. At that point, my grandparents were taking care of TJ while I was at work, and I knew I couldn’t ask them to keep a toddler and a baby while I went back to work. After Reilly was born, we made the decision for me to be at home full-time. 

To be honest, I was scared to death. The old feelings of claustrophobia returned, except now, I was not only nursing a baby, I was trying to raise a toddler. So many questions and fears popped into my head. How were we going to make it financially without a second income? How will I keep my sanity? Will I lose myself? I had lost basketball, was God going to take teaching away from me now too? Who was I if I wasn’t a teacher or a coach? 

I didn’t have answers for any of these questions, but just plowed on ahead. I felt like at some point, God would have to provide. Not too long after leaving my job, Leapforce (a legit work from home opportunity) became my way to contribute to our income. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but it brought in what we needed to survive and I was okay with that. I remember thinking, “Okay God, you put this job in my lap so that takes care of one of my questions, but I don’t want to do this forever. I am not passionate about this.” I kind of felt like I was losing everything I had worked so hard for in college.

And then, it happened. Anthony bought me a camera for Christmas (wayyyy too much money to spend on me for sure, but had he not, I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing today). I started taking pictures of the kids. I loved it—they thought I was nuts. I brought the camera with me all the time. After a while, friends started asking me to bring my camera to birthday parties or to photograph their kids. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into at the time. 

I found myself building a small business, doing a part-time job, and homeschooling one child. The stress was incredible. Once again, I found myself asking God—“What in the world am I doing?” I second guessed myself at every turn. I looked around at other photographers and wondered why anyone came to me for the experience. I saw only my deficiencies as a teacher to an elementary student (there was a reason I had decided to teach high school). My regular job evaluations left me wondering why in the world I even bothered to keep it up. In other words, I felt lacking at every turn. I didn’t understand where I was in life and where it was headed. 

Flash forward to December 2015. My husband sat me down and told me he thought it was time I stepped out on faith and left Leapforce to pursue photography. I shared with him some of my fears. What if I let go of that paycheck I could count on and no one hired me? What if people decided I wasn’t worth it? He didn’t flinch. He told me he felt like it was time. Here I was again, in front of God, but with a different question. Why didn’t I feel peace about this the way Anthony did? Why didn’t I feel like I knew what direction my life was taking? After talking to other family members about my situation, I made the decision to quit Leapforce. It was extremely difficult. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am crazy about financial stability. 

It was in the months to come that God revealed to me that Anthony had helped me make the right decision (one day I will write about my growth in allowing Anthony to help me). The stress of three jobs was really more than I thought, and even though I added another child to the homeschool craziness, other things fell into place. My God showed me throughout last year that even though I may not be sure of the path, He always knows where I am going. When my confidence in myself fails, He is there to remind me that I am His child and He cares about the direction of my life. 

I have slowly come to terms with not knowing where my life is headed. It has become an adventure to me to see what will be behind the next bend in the road. I have stopped looking at not being in the classroom or getting to coach as “losses.” I still get to teach, just in a difference capacity. I get to see the results of all the long hours of coaching as I interact with former players through photography. (It is amazing to photograph so many of their growing families!) God didn’t take those things away from me. He just had something else for me to do. Who knows? He might pull me back into the classroom or onto the basketball court one day. For right now, I am learning to enjoy the journey no matter where it might lead.