Show me the money!

I have a problem. That's the first step to beating the problem, right? You have to admit it, or acknowledge it. At least I've made it that far. My problem is this...I let my job play a large part in my self-perception. To put it another way, my work to a significant degree is where I find my worth. I don't like it. I don't want it to be that way, but it is that way. And I don't think I'm alone.

I think to be more specific, I should say that it's not so much my job or my work generally. It is what I get paid for doing the aforementioned work. For whatever reason, I feel like my worth is directly related to how many numbers are on my paycheck. I'm guessing it's that way for a lot of men out there. It may be that way for women too, but I don't think is quite as prevalent in that way.

Many men feel like making money and providing for our families is what we are responsible for. It's why we're here. I can't help but think about comparisons. It's not right, and it leads to jealousy and, really, covetousness. Those are not positive things. But, here's the honest truth coming, I sometimes feel like less of a man since I don't make as much as the next guy. 

The truth is, I don't even know how much money you make! I make assumptions, and I think they're pretty accurate. Whether they are or not, it doesn't really matter. Surely I'm not the only one thinking this way. The truth is, it's tough for me sometimes to talk to other guys about things related to finances, because I can't help but feel an inadequacy when I know they make more money than me.

Don't get me wrong...I feel appreciated at my job. It hasn't always been that way, but it is now. And it's important to feel appreciated and valued in your work. This is especially true when your Love Language is Words of Affirmation. I have a very stable job that I actually really enjoy, and it's not like I make pennies. The benefits are pretty good, and I've been there for almost 14 years. That's a long time! I've never had a full-time job with another company or organization. But I always want to make more money. Don't we all? Sometimes I get down when I think about it, and my wife isn't a big fan of that.

What I should really find my worth in is Christ. I know that. He paid the debt for my sins, and nothing good in my life is here without Him. Every breath I breathe, every smile I see, every dollar I make, every bite of food I eat, every hug from my wife or kids is a blessing from God. I know that. I know I am blessed beyond measure, and I am so thankful. But I still feel like I fall short of expectations.

I should find worth in the family that I have that loves me so much. I can't imagine being more fortunate than I am in so many ways. My wife is amazing, incredible, and truly just what I need. My kids make me smile and give me purpose. I work as hard as I do for them. I want them to be blessed, and feel loved, and feel special. But no matter how much time I spend with them and invest in their lives, I often attribute more value to the paycheck that I bring home (Well, the voided paycheck. Does anyone not use direct deposit these days?)

I don't think there's just one reason why this is the case. There's no way to pinpoint a root cause. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to identify some of the reasons I think this is the case for me. Maybe it's the same or different for you. 

One reason is that it's how our economy works. In our culture, the more valuable you are to your employer the more you're supposed to get paid. I messed up in one regard by working for a nonprofit organization. It's not like banking or finance or commission sales. There aren't bonuses for good performance or saving the company money or bringing in extra revenue. And our culture says the more valuable you are in the marketplace the more money you will make. 

Another reason is that our family is trying to live the debt-free lifestyle. Borrower is slave to the lender. You've read that from me before. I don't want to be a slave. But is it possible that all that is for those who have at least at $100k household income? I just made up a number. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's bigger than ours. How can we buy the car we want or need with cash that doesn't already have 100k miles on it if we don't have the income to do it? See. My fault. I should be making more money. So I listen to the Dave Ramsey show all the time and hear over and over again not to borrow money on a stupid car that goes down in value. So I feel like a failure because I can't make that happen. 

Some people reading this might think I should just go get another job where I make more money. If I'm so valuable as an employee, surely I could go make more in the marketplace. If I was reading this, I might say the same thing. But there are reasons I don't. There are some great things about my job. I live less than 10 minutes from work. My wife loves that I get to come home for lunch pretty much every day, and so do I. I rarely have to work many extra hours (except when we are up for re-accreditation and I get an email from my boss at 4:45 PM that the review committee wants a bunch of data that needs to be compiled and analyzed and then presented the next morning at 8:30...David McMillion and I along with others made it happen). What's more is that there's a reason I am where I am, I believe. So maybe this is a form of a sacrifice I make in order to invest more time with my family and finish the work that I started 14 years ago.

I think another reason is that I want my wife to be proud. It probably doesn't change her perception of me. But apparently part of me thinks it would help.

That's all I can come up with as far as justifications for my thoughts, and those were of varying levels of legitimacy. I don't really know why I feel this way. It's something that I dwell on at times, and it's not good. This is not the best version of me. God is good, no matter what my salary is. My God is Jehovah Jireh, and He will sustain me and my family. I know that, in my mind and in my heart. But something keeps me focused on the wrong thing. 

I approach my work with a Colossians 3:23 mentality, and that's where it's at. That's where the reward is. May God grant me, and whoever else may be reading this and feeling and thinking the same things, the focus and diligence to set our minds on things above and not of this world. Those things are worth dwelling on. And may I every day place great importance on how those closest to me view my efforts. They will tell me the truth, and their love is of immeasurable value.

Closing the Chapter on Baby Making

I have never been good with change. I enjoy consistency and stability. Anthony will be the first to tell you that this is a pretty big issue with me. If you really want to see an example of this in action, take me out to eat. Rarely will I order something different than what I normally order. I almost feel like it's a waste of my money to try something new because there is always the possibility that I won't like it. What good is that?

Food is not the only part of my life in which I stay pretty consistent. Big life changes are difficult for me too. I hate closing the door on things--especially if it's by my own choice. Leaving teaching and coaching was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made. Letting go of that was heart wrenching. I know now that I made the right decision for our family, but it still stings at times. 

With every change, I feel that door closing and it's like all the oxygen in the room is being sucked out at the same time. What if I made the wrong decision? What if something bad happens because of this change? Could I ever change back? So many questions, not enough sleep. 

You can imagine what it was like for me when we decided we were done having children. I don't know about you, but after every delivery, I felt done. At some point, I will have to share each of the boys' birth stories. There are some hilarious and scary moments all wrapped up into each one. Even though I knew in my heart I wasn't really done, that's what labor does to you. You don't generally walk out with the feeling of, "Oh, yes! Let's do this all over again!" Around the age of two, I would start to feel the longing for the next little one in my heart and in my arms.

If you have read any of our previous blogs, you know that we had a failed pregnancy between Reilly and Jase. It was a tough experience for me and my heart is still healing. I also talked a little bit about how tough my pregnancy with Jase was on my body. After both of those experiences, I knew in my heart, that I was satisfied. I didn't need a baby girl to make our family complete. Jase was our completion. He was our perfect ending to our childbearing days.

As he grew, I felt the peace in my heart growing concerning coming to the end of this stage of my life. He has truly been the baby of the family from the moment he came into our lives. I don't think you could find a more perfect kid for the job. It was at this point that Anthony and I started to discuss what we were going to do. I wanted to make sure that he felt this chapter of our lives was coming to an end. There was no way I would have pushed my feelings on him. I wanted to be respectful and understanding of his feelings on the matter since of course, he was my partner in crime in all of this baby making. He was pretty vocal about how much he loved our babies, but also about how ready he was to start enjoying the next phase of our lives. Then the next part of the discussion started--the technical part. How would we end this journey and keep everyone's best health interests in mind? How did we each feel about what our role would be?

Luckily, I had a fantastic midwife who had already started a conversation with Anthony about what she saw as our best option and he understood that it would come down to him taking the step to finishing this part of the story. I can't thank him enough for seeing what was best for me in terms of my health. He could have thrown a fit and told me he wasn't going to do it. He could have asked me to take one for the team and go through another process that would have probably caused some havoc in my already battered body. He didn't. He did what he usually does--takes whatever burden he can from me.

I can honestly say that in the days and weeks leading up to his procedure, I was in turmoil. Every single terrible thought that can enter your head will do it. I already come up with every horrible situation that can possibly happen whenever I leave the house, drop my kids off with anyone, or walk around with scissors. This situation brought out the most horrible thoughts a mother could possibly have. What if we do this and something happens to Anthony in the process? What if he regrets it and holds it against me? What if all our kids die in a horrible car accident? What if I die and Anthony remarries and wants to have kids with someone else? (I am going to say, this was a hard one to come to grips with. The thought of him married to someone else made me madder than fire, but we have to be realistic right? I love him enough that I don't want to hurt him by taking away that option later for him if he wanted it.) What if...what if...what if??? They just kept coming.

I remember at one point, I felt almost suffocated by all the horrible thoughts swimming in my head. I never told Anthony this, but one time, during one of the very rare times I was alone in the house, I bawled my eyes out with stress and worry over the decision. What was I doing? Was I really making a choice to end this chapter of our lives completely? Couldn't we just keep on going the way we were?

The truth is I couldn't. After losing a pregnancy and struggling through the last one, I am not sure my battered mind and heart could have taken a surprise pregnancy. I worried through the last one all the way till he was in my arms after the delivery (and then it continued through those first 6 weeks of his life). If you haven't figured it out yet, I struggle with a tiny issue called anxiety. (If you can't tell I'm being sarcastic there, then you need to meet me. I am pretty sarcastic.) At times, it takes everything I have to control it. It's exhausting and energy draining. I really believe that the struggle with it is what causes me to have such a hard time with change. Consistency helps with the anxiety. But the anxiety issue is for another blog.

I'll never forget driving down to take Anthony to have the procedure done. I think I probably asked him 30 times if this was right or if he felt okay about doing it. He of course giggled through the whole car ride like a little girl because they had given him a "happy pill" to take the edge off. To be honest, I was a little jealous he got one and I didn't. When I walked him into the office, I felt like the walls were closing in and I was going to suffocate. My heart was telling me I was doing the right thing, but my mind would not shut up with the horrible thoughts. Was I really going to not have any more babies? Was this really what I wanted? I told Anthony I had to go to the restroom while we were in the waiting room and walked out as calmly as I could. Once I got out of the door of the office, I bolted to the bathroom. I can't even remember if I peed or not. I just had to get myself together.

When I walked back in, Anthony was gone. I slumped down in the chair and waited for him to finish. I remember finally praying at that point. I know Anthony and I had prayed about it before we made the final decision, but I don't remember praying about it after. I pretty much let the anxiety have its way with my mind. But in that waiting room, I got my act together. I was able to walk out of that waiting room feeling like we made the right decision and that I could breathe again.

I have had so many people ask me after it was over, "How did you know when you were done?" To be honest, there were a lot of signs for our family, but it's unique to each family. My sister-in-law, Kayla, says she knew she was done when she could hold a baby and not want one. I definitely agree with this. When you are a woman, holding a baby is a trigger. If you can hold a baby and not have this tremendous longing for your own, that's definitely a sign. I have shot with more newborns this year than I have in my whole photography career. In those moments, I hold those babies and pour out my love and kindness while I take their photos. However, there is nothing like putting that baby back in its mother's arms, walking out the door, and falling into bed that night without waking up to tears in the middle of the night. (Well.....most nights anyway.)

We all come to a point in life where we have to make a decision about moving on to a newer, sometimes scarier chapter. For some folks it might be changing jobs. Others might struggle with an empty nest. Some families deal with loss or a sickness that will change their entire dynamic. I think all change is scary at first--even if it's good. It's the possibilities of failure, something going wrong, or not being able to take it back that keep us from moving on. But we have to keep moving forward.

Today I am satisfied with our decision, and the horrible thoughts don't rear their ugly heads as much as they did before. I think our family is just right. It took talking it through with my better half and some prayer to get me to that point, but I finally made it. I just hope the chapters to come are just as joy filled as these have been. 

Cox Disney Vacation Day 3-7

Day 3 got off to an inauspicious (Like any real person knows what that word means!) start. It was to be our first at Disney. After checking out of our hotel at about 7:20, we loaded everything into the car and headed out to the Disney's Hollywood Studios parking lot. After parking and making our way to the line, we were ready to enter when our Magic Bands were not being accepted. We were told that since we had not already "checked in" to our vacation (I guess?) that our Magic Bands were not activated. We're still not sure how that is the case when we had used our Magic Band to pay for parking.

Nevertheless, we went over to customer service and were able to finally get our bands activated and then headed into the park. I just want to point out that we were not the only family that this happened to. If I had to give one to tip to families travelling to Disney it would be CHECK IN FIRST. There was no info given to us about this and it was never mentioned in any of the literature. We immediately went and waited in line for about 45 minutes to get the boys signed up for Jedi training. We got them signed up for an afternoon time slot and then moved on to some rides and shows. 

Throughout the course of they day we were able to enjoy all the things we had hoped for. The main thing the boys wanted to do was Jedi Master Training. They had been talking about that since we told them we were going. We met Chewbacca and Kylo Ren. We ate a delicious meal at an Italian restaurant (It was fantastic!), and later we forgot we had reservations for Fantasmic as part of the dining package and missed it. Reilly did ride Tower of Terror once, but he was definitely not going to do it again. TJ was able to ride Rockin' Roller Coaster for the first time, and he loved it. For some reason, for at least three rides TJ had to poop. He would forget about it until we were just about on the ride and then it was like he would remember. Our last ride of the day was Rockin' Roller Coaster and just as we are bout to zoom off, TJ looks over at me and says, "Mom, I really have to poop." I calmly look over to him and said, "Kid, you better hold it tight." Overall it was a great first day at Disney.

The hotel was, well, it was really a motel by my definition. You entered your room from the outside. It was well taken care of, but to give you an idea of how dated it was, the wing we stayed in was in the theme of The Love Bug (you remember Herbie, right?). But it had a food court with decent food that was included in our meal plan, so we were able to eat dinner that night. Reilly fell asleep at the table (literally). Jase was upset for I can't remember what reason. There was no reason. He just lost his mind.

Day 2 at Disney was at Animal Kingdom. There are really not a lot of rides there, and definitely not a lot for kids. TJ was terrified of the Dinosaur ride (he had been on it before) and wanted so much not to ride it that he pretty much had a breakdown and cried. The boys did enjoy Expedition Everest, although Jase could not ride. They all enjoyed Kilimanjaro Safari, which we rode twice, including at night. This is something relatively new according to the workers. The rhinos were super active and were basically walking right up to our truck. The lions were out and actually sitting up where you could see them. I have never seen them like that there! It's definitely another great tip for that park! That was pretty cool. One of the highlights was Jase getting to enjoy meeting Donald, Goofy, Daisy, and Mickey during our buffet lunch. Day 2 at Disney was about the time that the boys began to get really worn out and ready to go sleep at the motel.

Day 3 we had an adventure at Epcot. Maybe the favorite ride for the boys was Test Track. We had a late breakfast over at the Polynesian so that Jase could meet Stitch, his absolute favorite character for some reason. Stitch is Jase's spirit animal (alien) for sure. If you know anything about Stitch and have met Jase, you understand this completely. Ohana restaurant is the only place that one can meet Stitch, so that's what we did. Jase loved it. Before returning to Epcot we let the boys swim in the hotel pool for a little while. It was going to be our only chance. This was a long day. We didn't leave Epcot until after 10:30 to head back to the hotel. I might have sneaked off to meet Anna and Elsa. I love how when I told the princesses that I had all boys and I was all alone, they made me feel normal and not like a total crazy. 

The last two days were spent at Magic Kingdom. This was great for Jase because he could ride almost every ride. The other two rode Space Mountain. Jase actually believed he rode Space Mountain because he rode the People Mover which goes right into Space Mountain. Jase loved all the rides, including the Tea Cups, The Barnstormer, the Carousel, Pirates of the Caribbean, Small World, and most of all the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train. We got there early on the last day to be one of the first in line. So we rode it first thing and then again as the last thing we did. It was great. We also got to eat lunch with Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and my favorite Eeyore (Anthony's spirit animal). I just want to point out that we got that reservation at the Crystal Palace the day before. I thought that was pretty awesome. We thoroughly enjoyed the last of our snack credits from the dining plan on some junk food. 

Overall it was such a fun trip. It is something that Jen has wanted to do for the boys for a long time. I have only been saving since I started my photography business. It wasn't always perfect. The boys complained that they were tired. The adults complained that their heels hurt, really bad (mostly Anthony). But it was an opportunity for us to make memories that we will remember for a long time. I'm so thrilled that we had the opportunity to do this, and much of it is owed to Jen's hard work in photography and so many other ways. Oh yeah, I also saw Iron Chef Morimoto. So there's that. The sad thing is I didn't believe him when we saw him and he is my absolute favorite Iron Chef. We also so the hosts of The View and John Stamos. 

Things they said...

Reilly-as we're driving to the parking lot: We have to drive through this obstacle course?

Reilly-Is that the hotel we're staying in? TJ-No. That's Tower of Terror.

Jase-As we're in the back seat of the safari ride and another safari vehicle is trailing a little way off: Dad! They're coming for you!

Jase-After he ate an entire box of popcorn and then finished a sucker: Dad, there's more popcorn in my mouth. (He had some stuck between his teeth.)

Reilly-At the end of the meal at the Italian restaurant: I think we should leave this place before I get colder.

TJ: If you lose my balloon you're going to own me $12 and a dream. This is after I told his brother that if he popped it, he would owe him $12.

Reilly: Mom, I think we are in the slow pass line. 

TJ: Why do they even put this nutritional information on water? It's completely useless.

Reilly: I don't think you would even miss us is we were in prison. (This was after I told him that his dad and I were moving to Orlando to work at Disney when we were old.) 


Things they did...

Chip motioned to me that I had a nice beard as I walked by.

Buzz Lightyear asked me what the PC on my hat stood for. I told him, and he just threw it at me in disgust.

Jase, waiting in line to see Kylo Ren, was repeatedly hitting a lady in the butt with his stuffed animal Stitch.

I might have waited in line to see Rapunzel. I might have also ran up to her squealing about her being my favorite princess.....maybe. 

We had the characters signing autographs with a sharpie. Reilly hugged Pooh a little too hard with the sharpie between them. He had a huge mark on his face that we couldn't get off till the next day. 

My husband harassed stormtroopers any chance he got. I just motioned to them to move along.

Jase almost took out Baymax. If you know what he looks like, you would understand. 

Reilly made me take a picture of him with a random Chevy SUV at the end of Test Track. He didn't choose any of the cool concept cars, he thought the SUV was way cooler. 

Cox Disney Vacation Day 1-2

We thought it would be fun to reflect and recap each day of our trip. This one will be a combination of the first two days. We left the house yesterday at about 3:30 to pick up our rental car. Jen's dad was going to ride with us to Oakwood and then drive our car back home. We have never rented a car before, but with the Pilot having 200k miles on it now, we thought it might be prudent (I knew you were going to use that word. You're such a nerd.) to spend $260 to avoid some of the risk of the car breaking down. We had rented Nissan Altima or similar. We got a Chevrolet Malibu LT, which is fine. It smeels a little like smoke, but the Dollar Tree air fresheners have helped.

Turns out this car has some auto-stop feature. The first time we noticed it was when we were sitting on the ramp at Spaghetti Junction trying to merge onto I-285. We were sitting still and the car engine just shut off. No one told us that was going to happen. Then I saw the tachometer had a label for auto-stop. I had heard Clark Howard talk about this one time, but I've never seen a car that has it. It's like gas powered golf cart. It shuts off while you're not moving. Then, when you let off the brake, the engine starts back up. I'll admit I thought for a second the car had died right there in ATL traffic.

We enjoyed a great visit with our buddies from college in Warner Robins. If you don't know Jeff Hames, you should. He gives the worlds best hugs. I have missed those hugs. We chose Burger King as the destination since they have three kids and we have three kids. It worked out beautifully. We had made a decision recently to try to see friends more, especially on trips. I'm glad we did. I hadn't seen them since college. Jen saw them a year or two ago taking photos. And you call me a hermit. 

We drove on to Valdosta and arrived at Country Inn and Suites for our night's stay. It was less than $100. I found the room on trivago.com after searching for a long time. Hotels were really expensive for some reason. Trivago was the only site that showed Groupon as the lowest price for this hotel. I don't know what trivago is. You should get out more. You're such a hermit. Groupon isn't listed on any other of the discount sites that I could tell. So I'm going to remember that in the future. 

It turned out that this place had a nice indoor swimming pool and hot tub. So after the decent breakfast we swam for a bit before we headed out. I am desperate, by the way, to find a hotel site that displays ONLY hotels with indoor swimming pools. When you have kids, it is a must in most cases. Also, Anthony is afraid of the sun, and I'm afraid of cold water. Fortunately the water was really warm. I did find one site a few years back that lets you add indoor pool as a search parameter, but now I can't remember what it is. Shocker. Shut up.

We headed out sometime after 11 and had the longest car ride in the history of the world. Well, it felt like it. The kids were awake for most of it. We went straight to Winter Summerland Miniature Golf Course at Disney. We had coupons to play that came with the vacation package. It was pretty neat. I had several hole-in-ones. You say holes-in-one. Whatever. I'll give you a hole in one.

After that, we went over to check into our hotel where we'll stay just tonight. It's a 4-start hotel called Caribe Royale we got on Priceline Express Deals. Sounds like a James Bond movie, doesn't it? I feel like I should have a fancy girl's name like Kitty Litter. It's pretty nice, but the cost for the room was $98 and the final cost went to about $150 after taxes and the "hotel fee." Still a pretty good deal for the hotel, the area, and a Saturday night near Disney. And it has a swimming pool with a water slide and a waterfall. 

We enjoyed those amenities for a bit, but with the wind blowing it was really chilly. Jen did not partake. I enjoyed covering myself with four towels. We went over to Disney Springs to look at some shops and planning to eat. it was so crowded we had do find a Moe's instead. It took a lot for me to convince Jen to go to Moe's. 

Tomorrow starts our Disney adventure at Disney's Hollywood Studios. The boys are really looking foward to it.

Finally, here's a section we like to call "Things they said." We'll do one with each post.

Things they said...

Reilly-When we were asking him to introduce himself to Jeff and Jen's kids: I'm not into it right now. (He had just woke up.)

Lady in the line next to me at the hotel's continental breakfast- She asked me how I was, and I replied and then asked how she was. She said: Very good. It's a nice day. You have a nice beard.

Jase-While swimming in the pool talking with Jen: Daddy's in the little tub and he's farting. (I was in the hot tub.)

Reilly-When he came out with a comb that flips out and Jen asked him where he got it: Daddy's little spy kit. (It's a manicure set.)

Anthony-As I'm looking at Google Maps and it shows time it will take to get a lift: Book an Uber with Goober Maps. (I meant Google.)

Jen-There's a cop up there. Ant: That's not a cop. That's a boat with a tarp. Jen: Well I saw the glare off the windows. Ant: You saw the windows on the boat?

Jase-After he got out of the pool this evening: Mommy, I have freeze bumps.

My Story of Loss

Women don't tend to talk about some things. There are certain topics that we don't discuss because we either feel like no one else can ever understand or we are embarrassed or afraid. Yes, this is one of those blogs and I am about to talk about something that I haven't shared with many people at all. To be completely honest, I don't know why I haven't talked about it. I know there are others who have experienced the same kind of thing, and I never was embarrassed. Maybe it was fear. I guess by the end, I will have an epiphany.

Near the end of 2012, I had enough oral surgery to make anyone want to cut out all of their teeth forever if for no other reason than to never have to deal with them again. It was a pretty trying time for me mentally and physically. It was a process that took a few months and I was in pain and frustrated throughout most of it. I lost a lot of weight fast, as nothing really felt comfortable in my mouth. I tried to be a brave soul about it, but it was pretty horrible. I look back now and am ever so grateful for the team of dentists, oral surgeons and more who helped me through that rough experience. They were more than fantastic and I would recommend them to anyone.

At the end of the process, I was grateful and ecstatic. As I approached Valentine's Day of 2013, I realized my body was going through something else--I was pregnant. I knew it before I took the test. After two pregnancies, the signs get pretty obvious in no time. I didn't say anything to Anthony as I wanted to surprise him on Valentines Day. I had never not told him before and it was so hard to keep my little secret. Of course he was surprised and we were excited to have a baby that wasn't born in the spring for a change.

It was about week later when I started to get the feeling something wasn't right. I felt like I was being drug behind a semi truck. I was emotionally a wreck. I was extremely tired and....well it's hard to explain. I felt pregnant, but I didn't. Anthony encouraged me to call the doctor. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do because in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right.

I went in for the initial blood test where they confirmed I was pregnant, but my levels were dragging. They explained that was why I felt like I was dragging. My body was still trying to determine what was going on. (As if it had not been punished enough the months before.) For the next few weeks I was subjected to blood tests (I absolutely HATE needles), internal ultra sounds, and doctors or nurses who looked at me like I was broken. Okay, honestly, I don't think they thought I was broken, but you could see the pity and sadness in their faces as I came in from a waiting room full of very pregnant, very expectant mothers.

At this point you are probably wondering why I was so upset. I had two very healthy, amazing little boys. I had been one of those moms in the waiting room who was very pregnant and very expectant. I was a mom. If this baby didn't work out, at least I was going home to two others who needed and loved me. Call me crazy, but my mind never thought that way. All I could think was I don't deserve the pity, but I do feel like I was losing a little part of myself. I wondered if God thought I wasn't a good enough mother so in His infinite wisdom, he was "sparing" another child from my horrible failures. Why wasn't I good enough? Why were other people all around me pregnant and having an easy time while I was struggling just to keep this pregnancy going? Why......maybe......FAILURE.

Finally, the day came after more blood and ultrasounds when my wonderful midwife sat me down and explained to me that this pregnancy was not going to work out. She very kindly told me that she knew me well enough that I would want to give it as much time as I could, just to make sure that the pregnancy could not be saved. She offered me a pill to get the process moving since I was unwilling to have any surgery of any type. I tried to explain that I wanted the process to be as natural (Natural? What is natural about losing a pregnancy?) as I could make it, but I left with what she offered me. She explained to me it could take weeks for things to move "naturally" and that there could be very real complications if every little bit was not removed. I remember smiling at her and saying thank you and going home to try to move on.

I will never forget. I was out shopping with my mom when this horrible pain overtook my brain. It was like my body went into auto-control and things started to happen. Unfortunately, we happened to be in a store with a two bathroom set up--one men's and one women's. Naturally, being in a store that sold kid's clothes and toys, the women's restroom was occupied. I quickly glanced around and realized this was no time to be picky. Pushing through the door things got real. After it was all said and done, leaving the bathroom was difficult for me. When I finally made it out, my mom saw how pale I was and knew "natural" had happened. She guided me to the car and we headed home.

That's my story. I might be a mother, but I have experienced loss. I have never put my story out there and never really understood why until this blog. I always felt like I didn't deserve to feel sad. There are wonderful, spectacular women out there who have never carried a baby to term. I know them. Some have tried time and time again--never giving up on their hope. Others decided it was time to adopt. They are my friends, my clients, my family. I felt guilty about being sad and hurt. I was afraid to talk to them because their pain was deeper than mine. When did that become a thing? When did we stop talking to each other and being real about pregnancy and loss? Sure, when you are pregnant, everyone wants to give you advice and tell you what to and what not to do. When you lose a pregnancy, you feel utterly alone except for the looks of sadness that you see from those who do know what you are going through.

Why don't we reach out to each other and tell our stories? Losing a pregnancy is losing a pregnancy. No one pregnancy is greater than another. We are all women with the same fears. FEAR--there's that word again. As women, it comes up a lot. Throughout the whole cycle, from getting pregnant until they walk out the door of our homes to start a life of their own (Shoot, let's be real ladies, until we are old and dead), fear is a huge issue with our families. I wish I had reached out to more women and shared my anxieties. I feel like I could have gained wisdom and strength from someone who had been there and came out on the other side. Yet, we are so afraid of insulting someone else's pain that we don't reach out.

After losing that pregnancy, I was terrified to try again. When we found out months later that we were pregnant with Jase, I was having some complications. Anthony will tell you that I lost it more than once during those trying times. My sister and her husband even witnessed one of my hysterical fits when I started bleeding and had to go to the ER. They had no idea what to say or do to help me. I once again started to feel alone. I reached out to very few people. Thankfully, everything with the pregnancy resolved itself and Jase was born healthy, big.....and late.

One thing the doctor in the ER told me hit me pretty hard though. He said that most women lose at least one pregnancy in their lives--they just don't say anything to anyone. If this estimate is true, that means there are a lot of women walking around with a pain and loss they have never shared with anyone. What are we doing that makes women so afraid to talk to each other? Are we so caught up in appearances that we don't want people to know or pity us? Or does it go even deeper than that?

My guess is you are wondering where this is going? Talk to me. Don't be afraid to ask me about my experience or just ask questions. Share with me what you are going through and your fears. Allow me to be the person who helps you not feel so alone on this journey through life. Loss is a typical and very real experience in this journey of life. Acting like it doesn't happen or pretending that you are alright when you are screaming inside doesn't have to be part of it. If you haven't experienced loss in this area, be willing to listen and support. Before I lost that pregnancy, I never felt like I would be able to help someone who had experienced such pain and suffering. After going through it and wanting someone to just listen to me, I realized how foolish I had been. Whether or not you have been through it, you can still be a supportive and helpful friend.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. If you read through this blog post, that means you now know even more of the real life Jennifer.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

There are a couple of things in life that can really try your patience. One of them is Windstream, and the other is having your hard drive crash. We were dealing with both of these phenomena this week. Well, Jen was suffering more from the Windstream issue, and it was my computer at work that had hard disk failure. Life gives us plenty of times to react in frustration, and those same experiences afford a chance to develop our patience.

Our Windstream internet has at times been really good. At times it's been really frustrating. Last week sometime it began to struggle quite mightily. It would literally take five minutes to load a basic web page. That tested our patience a bit. We called customer service and were told there was definitely an issue (Thank you for that, Windstream customer service person. I was previously unaware that there was an issue.) and that a service technician would need to visit. That was on Thursday, and a technician was scheduled for a Saturday visit.

The reminder call came on Friday to let me know that a technician would be starting work on Saturday between the hours of 8 AM and 7 PM. The technician was supposed to call before he came to the house. Without calling, he showed up around 3 PM I think. After a little work outside and a little work inside, he was stumped. He called for reinforcements. After another hour or so of work, we were told it was better and that they had one more thing to do and then all would be well. The internet worked pretty well after that, for about 16 hours or so. 

So I called back in on Monday and was told the ticket was still open and the issue would be resolved by 6 PM. That technician told Jen we had a problem with the wiring in the house and would need new wiring. He would have to complete it the next day. So today a different technician called and said he needed to drill a hole in the floor to run a new wire to eliminate the wiring issue as a problem. I said okay! He did that, and once he was finished around lunch time said it was working but that there was still a problem.

He referred it back to the experts who deal with the issues in the lines down the road. Two more technicians visited our home in the afternoon to say they had narrowed it down to an issue with one of the pins at the hub, they thought. So a total of six technicians later, they were still a little stumped. At this hour our internet is working, but I don't know if the full problem has been resolved.

Let me just say this about Windstream. The local people that work for the company are terrific people. In fact, we go to church with two of the technicians that helped us. And we know a couple of other folks who work there, and they are awesome individuals. One in particular is a friend who helps me out a lot and tracks what is going on. So the people are great. The product has been less than great over the years.

On Friday morning I arrived at work to this:

So that was fun! I've tried to keep everything saved on the network drive at work, so I didn't figure it would be a big deal. Of course anything I had saved on the hard drive was gone. I'm thinking many folks would have had a nervous breakdown here. It was okay in my case. But the IT guy (our IT guys are great, by the way) commented how much easier it was for him when I didn't explode in anger. That made me feel good.

People have told me I'm really patient. Sometimes I'm not, but it's usually when I'm not in public. I get frustrated with the kids, and, yes, even with my wife. Jen can tell you. I'm really not as patient as people think. I have outbursts occasionally, and I snap at the kids sometimes for no real reason. I have held screaming babies in the air and yelled in frustration. But the everyday situations, like the ones above, and like when you're in a restaurant and they clearly aren't serving well, are opportunities to show our kids how to be patient. They watch how we treat people. 

Oh, and you fathers out there, they watch how you treat your wife. This is something I have to really think about or I mess up royally. Here's the thing...there are going to be arguments in marriage. It happens, and it will happen occasionally probably forever. We talked the other day on our Facebook Live session how Jen doesn't want me to roll over in arguments because it makes her think I don't care. But, if I do engage in the spirited discussion, that can come across to my boys potentially in a way that appears that I'm not being loving. And if I'm not careful I might be modeling something that seems to make it okay to be disrespectful to your wife. So it's a balance. Not an easy balance like Karate Kid on that pole at the beach. A difficult balance like me trying to do a front flip on a balance beam. That kind.

Keeping a patient mindset helps me to keep my voice low and hopefully my tone appropriate. Jen believes my tone is always perfect, and I appreciate that she recognizes it (No, no she doesn't.). What we need to remember is that in all these situations, if we have kids, they are watching. They are learning. There's a saying that goes, "More is caught than taught." I think that is true in this case. The kids learn more from what we do in front of them than what we tell them to do.

I just asked T.J. and Reilly if they think Jen and I are patient. T.J.'s answer was "Sometimes." Reilly's answer was, "For three days, yes. For two days, no." I don't know what the latter means, but I'm thinking we have room for improvement.