My Story of Loss

Women don't tend to talk about some things. There are certain topics that we don't discuss because we either feel like no one else can ever understand or we are embarrassed or afraid. Yes, this is one of those blogs and I am about to talk about something that I haven't shared with many people at all. To be completely honest, I don't know why I haven't talked about it. I know there are others who have experienced the same kind of thing, and I never was embarrassed. Maybe it was fear. I guess by the end, I will have an epiphany.

Near the end of 2012, I had enough oral surgery to make anyone want to cut out all of their teeth forever if for no other reason than to never have to deal with them again. It was a pretty trying time for me mentally and physically. It was a process that took a few months and I was in pain and frustrated throughout most of it. I lost a lot of weight fast, as nothing really felt comfortable in my mouth. I tried to be a brave soul about it, but it was pretty horrible. I look back now and am ever so grateful for the team of dentists, oral surgeons and more who helped me through that rough experience. They were more than fantastic and I would recommend them to anyone.

At the end of the process, I was grateful and ecstatic. As I approached Valentine's Day of 2013, I realized my body was going through something else--I was pregnant. I knew it before I took the test. After two pregnancies, the signs get pretty obvious in no time. I didn't say anything to Anthony as I wanted to surprise him on Valentines Day. I had never not told him before and it was so hard to keep my little secret. Of course he was surprised and we were excited to have a baby that wasn't born in the spring for a change.

It was about week later when I started to get the feeling something wasn't right. I felt like I was being drug behind a semi truck. I was emotionally a wreck. I was extremely tired and....well it's hard to explain. I felt pregnant, but I didn't. Anthony encouraged me to call the doctor. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do because in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right.

I went in for the initial blood test where they confirmed I was pregnant, but my levels were dragging. They explained that was why I felt like I was dragging. My body was still trying to determine what was going on. (As if it had not been punished enough the months before.) For the next few weeks I was subjected to blood tests (I absolutely HATE needles), internal ultra sounds, and doctors or nurses who looked at me like I was broken. Okay, honestly, I don't think they thought I was broken, but you could see the pity and sadness in their faces as I came in from a waiting room full of very pregnant, very expectant mothers.

At this point you are probably wondering why I was so upset. I had two very healthy, amazing little boys. I had been one of those moms in the waiting room who was very pregnant and very expectant. I was a mom. If this baby didn't work out, at least I was going home to two others who needed and loved me. Call me crazy, but my mind never thought that way. All I could think was I don't deserve the pity, but I do feel like I was losing a little part of myself. I wondered if God thought I wasn't a good enough mother so in His infinite wisdom, he was "sparing" another child from my horrible failures. Why wasn't I good enough? Why were other people all around me pregnant and having an easy time while I was struggling just to keep this pregnancy going? Why......maybe......FAILURE.

Finally, the day came after more blood and ultrasounds when my wonderful midwife sat me down and explained to me that this pregnancy was not going to work out. She very kindly told me that she knew me well enough that I would want to give it as much time as I could, just to make sure that the pregnancy could not be saved. She offered me a pill to get the process moving since I was unwilling to have any surgery of any type. I tried to explain that I wanted the process to be as natural (Natural? What is natural about losing a pregnancy?) as I could make it, but I left with what she offered me. She explained to me it could take weeks for things to move "naturally" and that there could be very real complications if every little bit was not removed. I remember smiling at her and saying thank you and going home to try to move on.

I will never forget. I was out shopping with my mom when this horrible pain overtook my brain. It was like my body went into auto-control and things started to happen. Unfortunately, we happened to be in a store with a two bathroom set up--one men's and one women's. Naturally, being in a store that sold kid's clothes and toys, the women's restroom was occupied. I quickly glanced around and realized this was no time to be picky. Pushing through the door things got real. After it was all said and done, leaving the bathroom was difficult for me. When I finally made it out, my mom saw how pale I was and knew "natural" had happened. She guided me to the car and we headed home.

That's my story. I might be a mother, but I have experienced loss. I have never put my story out there and never really understood why until this blog. I always felt like I didn't deserve to feel sad. There are wonderful, spectacular women out there who have never carried a baby to term. I know them. Some have tried time and time again--never giving up on their hope. Others decided it was time to adopt. They are my friends, my clients, my family. I felt guilty about being sad and hurt. I was afraid to talk to them because their pain was deeper than mine. When did that become a thing? When did we stop talking to each other and being real about pregnancy and loss? Sure, when you are pregnant, everyone wants to give you advice and tell you what to and what not to do. When you lose a pregnancy, you feel utterly alone except for the looks of sadness that you see from those who do know what you are going through.

Why don't we reach out to each other and tell our stories? Losing a pregnancy is losing a pregnancy. No one pregnancy is greater than another. We are all women with the same fears. FEAR--there's that word again. As women, it comes up a lot. Throughout the whole cycle, from getting pregnant until they walk out the door of our homes to start a life of their own (Shoot, let's be real ladies, until we are old and dead), fear is a huge issue with our families. I wish I had reached out to more women and shared my anxieties. I feel like I could have gained wisdom and strength from someone who had been there and came out on the other side. Yet, we are so afraid of insulting someone else's pain that we don't reach out.

After losing that pregnancy, I was terrified to try again. When we found out months later that we were pregnant with Jase, I was having some complications. Anthony will tell you that I lost it more than once during those trying times. My sister and her husband even witnessed one of my hysterical fits when I started bleeding and had to go to the ER. They had no idea what to say or do to help me. I once again started to feel alone. I reached out to very few people. Thankfully, everything with the pregnancy resolved itself and Jase was born healthy, big.....and late.

One thing the doctor in the ER told me hit me pretty hard though. He said that most women lose at least one pregnancy in their lives--they just don't say anything to anyone. If this estimate is true, that means there are a lot of women walking around with a pain and loss they have never shared with anyone. What are we doing that makes women so afraid to talk to each other? Are we so caught up in appearances that we don't want people to know or pity us? Or does it go even deeper than that?

My guess is you are wondering where this is going? Talk to me. Don't be afraid to ask me about my experience or just ask questions. Share with me what you are going through and your fears. Allow me to be the person who helps you not feel so alone on this journey through life. Loss is a typical and very real experience in this journey of life. Acting like it doesn't happen or pretending that you are alright when you are screaming inside doesn't have to be part of it. If you haven't experienced loss in this area, be willing to listen and support. Before I lost that pregnancy, I never felt like I would be able to help someone who had experienced such pain and suffering. After going through it and wanting someone to just listen to me, I realized how foolish I had been. Whether or not you have been through it, you can still be a supportive and helpful friend.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. If you read through this blog post, that means you now know even more of the real life Jennifer.