Food is not the only part of my life in which I stay pretty consistent. Big life changes are difficult for me too. I hate closing the door on things--especially if it's by my own choice. Leaving teaching and coaching was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made. Letting go of that was heart wrenching. I know now that I made the right decision for our family, but it still stings at times.
With every change, I feel that door closing and it's like all the oxygen in the room is being sucked out at the same time. What if I made the wrong decision? What if something bad happens because of this change? Could I ever change back? So many questions, not enough sleep.
You can imagine what it was like for me when we decided we were done having children. I don't know about you, but after every delivery, I felt done. At some point, I will have to share each of the boys' birth stories. There are some hilarious and scary moments all wrapped up into each one. Even though I knew in my heart I wasn't really done, that's what labor does to you. You don't generally walk out with the feeling of, "Oh, yes! Let's do this all over again!" Around the age of two, I would start to feel the longing for the next little one in my heart and in my arms.
If you have read any of our previous blogs, you know that we had a failed pregnancy between Reilly and Jase. It was a tough experience for me and my heart is still healing. I also talked a little bit about how tough my pregnancy with Jase was on my body. After both of those experiences, I knew in my heart, that I was satisfied. I didn't need a baby girl to make our family complete. Jase was our completion. He was our perfect ending to our childbearing days.
As he grew, I felt the peace in my heart growing concerning coming to the end of this stage of my life. He has truly been the baby of the family from the moment he came into our lives. I don't think you could find a more perfect kid for the job. It was at this point that Anthony and I started to discuss what we were going to do. I wanted to make sure that he felt this chapter of our lives was coming to an end. There was no way I would have pushed my feelings on him. I wanted to be respectful and understanding of his feelings on the matter since of course, he was my partner in crime in all of this baby making. He was pretty vocal about how much he loved our babies, but also about how ready he was to start enjoying the next phase of our lives. Then the next part of the discussion started--the technical part. How would we end this journey and keep everyone's best health interests in mind? How did we each feel about what our role would be?
Luckily, I had a fantastic midwife who had already started a conversation with Anthony about what she saw as our best option and he understood that it would come down to him taking the step to finishing this part of the story. I can't thank him enough for seeing what was best for me in terms of my health. He could have thrown a fit and told me he wasn't going to do it. He could have asked me to take one for the team and go through another process that would have probably caused some havoc in my already battered body. He didn't. He did what he usually does--takes whatever burden he can from me.
I can honestly say that in the days and weeks leading up to his procedure, I was in turmoil. Every single terrible thought that can enter your head will do it. I already come up with every horrible situation that can possibly happen whenever I leave the house, drop my kids off with anyone, or walk around with scissors. This situation brought out the most horrible thoughts a mother could possibly have. What if we do this and something happens to Anthony in the process? What if he regrets it and holds it against me? What if all our kids die in a horrible car accident? What if I die and Anthony remarries and wants to have kids with someone else? (I am going to say, this was a hard one to come to grips with. The thought of him married to someone else made me madder than fire, but we have to be realistic right? I love him enough that I don't want to hurt him by taking away that option later for him if he wanted it.) What if...what if...what if??? They just kept coming.
I remember at one point, I felt almost suffocated by all the horrible thoughts swimming in my head. I never told Anthony this, but one time, during one of the very rare times I was alone in the house, I bawled my eyes out with stress and worry over the decision. What was I doing? Was I really making a choice to end this chapter of our lives completely? Couldn't we just keep on going the way we were?
The truth is I couldn't. After losing a pregnancy and struggling through the last one, I am not sure my battered mind and heart could have taken a surprise pregnancy. I worried through the last one all the way till he was in my arms after the delivery (and then it continued through those first 6 weeks of his life). If you haven't figured it out yet, I struggle with a tiny issue called anxiety. (If you can't tell I'm being sarcastic there, then you need to meet me. I am pretty sarcastic.) At times, it takes everything I have to control it. It's exhausting and energy draining. I really believe that the struggle with it is what causes me to have such a hard time with change. Consistency helps with the anxiety. But the anxiety issue is for another blog.
I'll never forget driving down to take Anthony to have the procedure done. I think I probably asked him 30 times if this was right or if he felt okay about doing it. He of course giggled through the whole car ride like a little girl because they had given him a "happy pill" to take the edge off. To be honest, I was a little jealous he got one and I didn't. When I walked him into the office, I felt like the walls were closing in and I was going to suffocate. My heart was telling me I was doing the right thing, but my mind would not shut up with the horrible thoughts. Was I really going to not have any more babies? Was this really what I wanted? I told Anthony I had to go to the restroom while we were in the waiting room and walked out as calmly as I could. Once I got out of the door of the office, I bolted to the bathroom. I can't even remember if I peed or not. I just had to get myself together.
When I walked back in, Anthony was gone. I slumped down in the chair and waited for him to finish. I remember finally praying at that point. I know Anthony and I had prayed about it before we made the final decision, but I don't remember praying about it after. I pretty much let the anxiety have its way with my mind. But in that waiting room, I got my act together. I was able to walk out of that waiting room feeling like we made the right decision and that I could breathe again.
I have had so many people ask me after it was over, "How did you know when you were done?" To be honest, there were a lot of signs for our family, but it's unique to each family. My sister-in-law, Kayla, says she knew she was done when she could hold a baby and not want one. I definitely agree with this. When you are a woman, holding a baby is a trigger. If you can hold a baby and not have this tremendous longing for your own, that's definitely a sign. I have shot with more newborns this year than I have in my whole photography career. In those moments, I hold those babies and pour out my love and kindness while I take their photos. However, there is nothing like putting that baby back in its mother's arms, walking out the door, and falling into bed that night without waking up to tears in the middle of the night. (Well.....most nights anyway.)
We all come to a point in life where we have to make a decision about moving on to a newer, sometimes scarier chapter. For some folks it might be changing jobs. Others might struggle with an empty nest. Some families deal with loss or a sickness that will change their entire dynamic. I think all change is scary at first--even if it's good. It's the possibilities of failure, something going wrong, or not being able to take it back that keep us from moving on. But we have to keep moving forward.
Today I am satisfied with our decision, and the horrible thoughts don't rear their ugly heads as much as they did before. I think our family is just right. It took talking it through with my better half and some prayer to get me to that point, but I finally made it. I just hope the chapters to come are just as joy filled as these have been.
If you have read any of our previous blogs, you know that we had a failed pregnancy between Reilly and Jase. It was a tough experience for me and my heart is still healing. I also talked a little bit about how tough my pregnancy with Jase was on my body. After both of those experiences, I knew in my heart, that I was satisfied. I didn't need a baby girl to make our family complete. Jase was our completion. He was our perfect ending to our childbearing days.
As he grew, I felt the peace in my heart growing concerning coming to the end of this stage of my life. He has truly been the baby of the family from the moment he came into our lives. I don't think you could find a more perfect kid for the job. It was at this point that Anthony and I started to discuss what we were going to do. I wanted to make sure that he felt this chapter of our lives was coming to an end. There was no way I would have pushed my feelings on him. I wanted to be respectful and understanding of his feelings on the matter since of course, he was my partner in crime in all of this baby making. He was pretty vocal about how much he loved our babies, but also about how ready he was to start enjoying the next phase of our lives. Then the next part of the discussion started--the technical part. How would we end this journey and keep everyone's best health interests in mind? How did we each feel about what our role would be?
Luckily, I had a fantastic midwife who had already started a conversation with Anthony about what she saw as our best option and he understood that it would come down to him taking the step to finishing this part of the story. I can't thank him enough for seeing what was best for me in terms of my health. He could have thrown a fit and told me he wasn't going to do it. He could have asked me to take one for the team and go through another process that would have probably caused some havoc in my already battered body. He didn't. He did what he usually does--takes whatever burden he can from me.
I can honestly say that in the days and weeks leading up to his procedure, I was in turmoil. Every single terrible thought that can enter your head will do it. I already come up with every horrible situation that can possibly happen whenever I leave the house, drop my kids off with anyone, or walk around with scissors. This situation brought out the most horrible thoughts a mother could possibly have. What if we do this and something happens to Anthony in the process? What if he regrets it and holds it against me? What if all our kids die in a horrible car accident? What if I die and Anthony remarries and wants to have kids with someone else? (I am going to say, this was a hard one to come to grips with. The thought of him married to someone else made me madder than fire, but we have to be realistic right? I love him enough that I don't want to hurt him by taking away that option later for him if he wanted it.) What if...what if...what if??? They just kept coming.
I remember at one point, I felt almost suffocated by all the horrible thoughts swimming in my head. I never told Anthony this, but one time, during one of the very rare times I was alone in the house, I bawled my eyes out with stress and worry over the decision. What was I doing? Was I really making a choice to end this chapter of our lives completely? Couldn't we just keep on going the way we were?
The truth is I couldn't. After losing a pregnancy and struggling through the last one, I am not sure my battered mind and heart could have taken a surprise pregnancy. I worried through the last one all the way till he was in my arms after the delivery (and then it continued through those first 6 weeks of his life). If you haven't figured it out yet, I struggle with a tiny issue called anxiety. (If you can't tell I'm being sarcastic there, then you need to meet me. I am pretty sarcastic.) At times, it takes everything I have to control it. It's exhausting and energy draining. I really believe that the struggle with it is what causes me to have such a hard time with change. Consistency helps with the anxiety. But the anxiety issue is for another blog.
I'll never forget driving down to take Anthony to have the procedure done. I think I probably asked him 30 times if this was right or if he felt okay about doing it. He of course giggled through the whole car ride like a little girl because they had given him a "happy pill" to take the edge off. To be honest, I was a little jealous he got one and I didn't. When I walked him into the office, I felt like the walls were closing in and I was going to suffocate. My heart was telling me I was doing the right thing, but my mind would not shut up with the horrible thoughts. Was I really going to not have any more babies? Was this really what I wanted? I told Anthony I had to go to the restroom while we were in the waiting room and walked out as calmly as I could. Once I got out of the door of the office, I bolted to the bathroom. I can't even remember if I peed or not. I just had to get myself together.
When I walked back in, Anthony was gone. I slumped down in the chair and waited for him to finish. I remember finally praying at that point. I know Anthony and I had prayed about it before we made the final decision, but I don't remember praying about it after. I pretty much let the anxiety have its way with my mind. But in that waiting room, I got my act together. I was able to walk out of that waiting room feeling like we made the right decision and that I could breathe again.
I have had so many people ask me after it was over, "How did you know when you were done?" To be honest, there were a lot of signs for our family, but it's unique to each family. My sister-in-law, Kayla, says she knew she was done when she could hold a baby and not want one. I definitely agree with this. When you are a woman, holding a baby is a trigger. If you can hold a baby and not have this tremendous longing for your own, that's definitely a sign. I have shot with more newborns this year than I have in my whole photography career. In those moments, I hold those babies and pour out my love and kindness while I take their photos. However, there is nothing like putting that baby back in its mother's arms, walking out the door, and falling into bed that night without waking up to tears in the middle of the night. (Well.....most nights anyway.)
We all come to a point in life where we have to make a decision about moving on to a newer, sometimes scarier chapter. For some folks it might be changing jobs. Others might struggle with an empty nest. Some families deal with loss or a sickness that will change their entire dynamic. I think all change is scary at first--even if it's good. It's the possibilities of failure, something going wrong, or not being able to take it back that keep us from moving on. But we have to keep moving forward.
Today I am satisfied with our decision, and the horrible thoughts don't rear their ugly heads as much as they did before. I think our family is just right. It took talking it through with my better half and some prayer to get me to that point, but I finally made it. I just hope the chapters to come are just as joy filled as these have been.
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