Top 10: How NOT to settle an argument

Some days, we are not very good at communication. Whether it be with our kids, our extended family, or even our animals, we struggle with getting our point across without ticking someone off. Of course that can lead to arguments. I don't ever tick anyone off. You're right. You're perfect. In truth, I messed up in the communication department yesterday. We thought it would be good to provide some tips for how to NOT communicate, or argue, with your spouse.

1. Stare at your phone when your spouse is talking to you. Whenever we say we're listening but are engaged with our phones or watching television or using the computer, we're not really listening. Or we're not hearing, or internalizing what we're hearing. And it's very disrespectful. I like to tell the boys that we listen with our ears and our eyes. I think a basketball coach told me that one time. Anyone who didn't listen with their eyes got pegged in the head with the basketball. You must have gotten hit a lot as a kid. No. I'm a very good listener.
2. Interrupt your spouse when they are speaking. Not only does this frustrate and anger me, I will lose my train of thought and really start to not make sense. I feel like sometimes Anthony does it out of defensiveness, but I wish he would let me finish before he interjects. It probably is out of defensiveness. Serious practical question though...how should one hold onto thoughts while they are trying to listen intently but at the same time not forget the thought that popped into their head? Well, obviously don't make a note on your cell phone (see #1). I'm probably the worst person to answer that question since being with the children all day drains any ability to remember any comment that I would make. Letting me finish would also you time to really think about what you're going to say before you say it as well. Sometimes you interject before I can even get a full thought out, and it might address the point you are making when you interject. Sometimes my points are so great they just can't be constrained any longer.
3. Always assume you are right. My mom got me a shirt when I was a kid that had a picture of Calvin Hobbes on it and it read, "I'm not opinionated. I'm just always right." I really do believe I'm right most of the time. Even when you're not. Which is rare. But I have to make sure I am considering that there is a possibility, however slight it may be, that my spouse is right. And you wonder why we argue.
4. When one asks "What's the problem?" you say "You're the problem." Sometimes you *are* the problem. I think what you mean is you shouldn't make negative comments about your spouse. Those are not words of affirmation. Those are words of deaffirmation. That's not a word. It feels like a word. I think the point here is that you shouldn't tear down your spouse even when you're angry. It blocks the line of communication before communication can even begin.
5. Use your outside voice. This is the most effective way to kill any chance of having an optimal conclusion to a discussion. What makes it worse is when the kids are around. I like my outside voice. It gets things done. So do washing machines. I just want to point out here that Anthony is giggling like a little girl at his own joke that isn't funny and he also compared me to a washing machine. But when J.R. reads it, I won't be giggling alone anymore.
6. Bring up past mistakes. I'll admit this is a fault of mine. As much as I don't want to do it, I often keep a catalog of what you do wrong in my head. How do you have room in there for all that? It's a gift. I may not be able to remember our children's names, but I can remember that one time you were a butt a week ago. I'm glad it was only one. But I think this is difficult for everyone, to not allow the past to influence today's situation. And I think as Christians, we are called to forgive and forget. Well, maybe not forget, but forgive. If we continue to bring it up then we really haven't forgiven. I was about to make the exact same point. (One Couple moment) Forgetting can be nearly impossible for some, especially depending on the severity of the mistakes. I think sometimes it's important not to forget. Remembering gives us the opportunity to see the growth in our spouse, really see how far they've come. Maybe this is wrong, but since you mentioned earlier making a note on the phone, I have saved in my phone some things that you said to me one time. They weren't nice, but they were probably deserved and true. So I keep them saved and see them every once in a while to remember that I don't want to be the way I was at that point in time. Do you save the good things too? Those are written on my heart. Gag me.
7. Walk away while your spouse is talking to you. I will admit. I do this a lot. But, I want to say that it is self-preservation. I don't want to say something I'll regret. Apparently you keep a record book on your phone of the horrible things I say. No, just that one time; and they weren't horrible. Truth hurts sometimes. On this topic, at least from my standpoint, this is one of the most frustrating and maddening things you can do to your spouse. I get the idea to remove yourself from the situation. But it feels like a slap in the face. If I slapped you, you would know it. You probably walk away so you don't.
8. Keep your thoughts to yourself. While Jen tends to pretty much say things she thinks, I, to a fault, tend to go the other direction. I'm likely to not say things that probably need to be said. It may be my way to avoid further levels of confrontation. Are you scared of me? No. But I might be scared of what your reaction would be if I actually say what I think. Just that it might make you more angry. I actually get really upset when you won't tell me how you feel or what you're thinking. It's a one-sided fight, and that's very boring. I knew you enjoyed arguing with me. I enjoy winning.
9. Say things you'll be ashamed of later. Once it comes out, you can't take it back. It's been heard and internalized by your spouse. And as you said, things are hard to forget once they're heard. There needs to be a balance between telling the truth and not tearing the other person down. The truth hurts, but it shouldn't destroy. Nice one! You should put that quote in your coffee table book of inspirational quotes and photos. Well it's true. I have said a lot of things that I have been ashamed of after the fact. Not just to you, but to people in general. It might have been true at the time, but I could have said it in a way that was less destructive. Less deaffirming. Still not a word.
10. Go to bed angry. This is a big one for me. My sleep is terrible if we go to bed angry at each other. You seem to sleep fine though. There aren't too many things that keep me up at night. But this can be a challenge when you're not sure your spouse wants to resolve the dispute. You don't know if you don't try. You also don't get slapped if you don't try. A girl wants a man that will fight for her. Or, in your case, just fight her. I'm being serious here. I think it's something that we dream about as little kids, of having a spouse that will fight to make things right. I think part of that is also your personality in that you would prefer me to be more assertive at times, including in this area. Basically I'm trying to say be a man. Exactly. But there have been points during our long and arduous marriage (...eye roll...) where I have wanted to make amends but felt like you could care less because you could sleep through it no matter what. I can actually remember times where I cried myself to sleep. But that shows pridefulness on my part. I should have made the effort to make things right on my own instead of expecting you to step up to the plate. You are more likely to issue an apology the next day. It goes both ways for me. And you're more likely to issue an apology via a text message the next day, like today.

All touchy feely

I don’t know how it started, but I believe that this has always been a love language of mine. I loved cuddling with my parents as a kid. As a teenager, I enjoyed hugging and holding hands with boyfriends. Now that I am married and a mom, not much has changed. I love to hug on the boys and of course I love any physical interaction with my hubby. 

One thing I never expected was that my love language could also become my biggest irritant. Let me explain. It all started when I had our first born son, TJ. I decided early on that I would breastfeed him. I was nervous at first, but it grew on me and I grew to enjoy the special bonding time with him. As he grew older, he got handsy. Not in a weird way, but he would want to rub my neck, or just touch me in some way. After he weaned, he still would want to touch me in some way. After breastfeeding Reilly and Jase as well, I found they would do the same thing. They needed that physical touch to relax or soothe. 

Now, fast forward many years later and here I am spending a lot of my time at home with all my boys in close proximity. All of a sudden, I have 3 pairs of hands on me pretty much constantly. Someone is sitting on me, touching me while they talk, or I am having to touch them to get them to even realize I am talking to them. I am changing pull-ups, kissing boo boos, and tying shoes. By the time Anthony walks in the door at dinner time, he’s ready for a hug and a kiss. I am ready to head butt a hole in the wall because I have had my fill of touching people for the day. 

Now, let’s apply what’s happening here to a place that no couple really likes to talk about in the public arena—the bedroom. By the time I would lay down at night, Anthony would be interested in, uhhh, let’s call it cuddling. The last thing I wanted was another pair of hands anywhere on me. Imagine how that feels to him when he’s been basically been isolated from me all day and wants my attention. He feels rejected and undesirable. What he didn’t understand was that wasn’t what it was at all. 

When you live in a house with four men and everyone needs a piece of you—physical or not—it’s a tough balancing act. I have to love on my kids without giving so much away that there’s nothing left for Anthony. I have also had to learn that I have to “prepare” myself for even more touching on a day where I may feel like I have been touched by every person on the planet. My husband can’t suffer just because I have been touched too much in one day. 

The same thing goes for patience. I can’t use all my patience on the kids. That sounds terrible, but if I give every little bit of patience I have to the kids, there is nothing left for poor old Ant when he comes in the door and wants to talk about something I have no interest in whatsoever. He deserves better than that. I have to remember, one day, our kids will be out living lives of their own and it will just be me and him. If I don’t invest in us now, there won’t be an “us” to invest in later. 

Let’s be real. Your bedroom life suffers enough because of having kids. Obstacles like finding time or privacy are tough enough without adding other issues into the mix. I have learned to find ways to cut down on the touching during the day so that I am not so burned out when it’s Anthony’s turn for attention. Am I really good at this? Absolutely not. He will tell you. I still have days where I let him know I just don’t have it in me to be touched by one more person that day. I think he is more understanding now than he used to be, but until you spend a day in my shoes, it’s tough to realize how much physical contact there is during the day. 

Now this conversation could go different ways for different people. Consider the teaching profession. You give everything you have to the classroom all day long. You have had to swallow 5,000 sarcastic comments and have the patience of Job for too many hours. You get home and let that first sarcastic comment slip on poor Mr. Wonderful. Your patience leaves you when he lashes back at you. What about all you ladies working nightshifts at the hospital? Most likely you aren’t even on the same sleep schedule as your hubby. Finding the time to have any connection in the bedroom feels like a chore. It’s not just work from home moms who have been touched too much. It’s women everywhere who are trying to make a living, make a home, raise children, and still have some life outside of it all. 

Just because you are tired, overly touched, grouchy, impatient, or just stubborn doesn’t mean you can’t make the effort in the bedroom. Let me tell you, it’s proven that, uhhhh, cuddling relieves stress. Raise your hand if you are not a stressed out woman right now. Exactly, I don’t see any hands. We could all use a little stress relief. And honesty goes a long way as well. If there’s been a day where I just can’t make the effort, I let Anthony know. Sure he’s disappointed, but he knows that I will make up for it in the future. I’ll be completely honest with you. I can’t go very long without a physical connection with him. I need to be close and feel loved by him. I feel like it’s a need for survival. However, that requires effort on my part. I can’t expect him to be the only one making sacrifices and swallowing their pride (and sometimes all the other issues that I have had to deal with during the day). 

I encourage you ladies, no matter what issues you face this week, to make an effort to make more of an effort in the more private area of your home. Invest in your marriage—invest in your spouse. Find out his love language and speak it this week. Don’t let all the outside stressors of life detract from your fun and adventure in the bedroom. It’s time to take control of emotions and enjoy the person God has blessed us with. Cuddle my friends…..cuddle away.

Marriage is a call to die

Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." Do you know what the Scriptures tell us Christ did for the church? Well, it says it right there in the latter part of verse 25. He gave Himself for her. He gave his life. He died for her. I was reading Disciplines of a Godly Man a couple of years ago, and this quote stood out to me.

"Marriage is a call to die, and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love to which he is called. Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are."

First of all, I highly recommend this book for all you fellas out there, and I have the hardback if anyone wants to borrow it. But you only get to borrow it if you want to be challenged with stuff like this. I mean, are you serious right here? When I got married, the challenge wasn't something like, don't forget to take out the trash occasionally. It wasn't tell your wife you love her sometimes. It wasn't let your wife control the remote every once in a while. It wasn't a command to put the toilet seat down or to clean your hair out of the bathtub or shower drain. Nope. None of that. It was...die. "Marriage is a call to die." Sounds pretty appealing, doesn't it? 

This is God's expectation, He could have picked any other example or analogy for how we should live our lives in relation to our wives, but the one He used is how God-in-the-flesh gave his life. He gave everything that he had and everything that He was for the church, the bride if Christ. How does a husband do that for his wife? I'm not sure I have the answer to that. Maybe if you read the book I recommended it will make some sense. What I know is that you have to think of her first. 

It's not something I've been great at over the years. I've always thought of me first, I think, and especially the first years of our marriage. I would make big deals out of silly stuff like getting to watch the college basketball game on TV. I was selfish in ways I'm not even going to talk about here. Sacrifice is not an easy thing. 

Let's take this one step further. Kids add another layer. I've talked about how much I enjoy doing radio for the basketball game. I was talking to a friend of mine about it the other day (it was good to see you Caleb!), and he said, "You really love it, don't you?" I told him I really enjoyed it for a number of reasons and that I'm passionate about it, and about doing it well. He's like me. If we're going to do something we're going to try to be the best. So, with that thought in mind, check this out...

You know what that is? That is my pride being crushed. That is dying. That is a schedule card that shows the games I will be on the radio. I thought my kids would be proud. That schedule card is on the kitchen floor to be trampled on, along with my heart and soul. I'm dead. (I should say that my wife and boys have been to many of the games I've been on radio and have listened in sometimes. And my boys have even joined me a couple of times, so they do support it.)

I'm being real here. It probably sounds silly, but it hurt a little, or a lot, for about 30 seconds. Then I remembered that it is not about me. This household that I am supposed to be leading has elements that are much more important than me. I can't focus on myself when those others need the attention, and support, and care. They need me to give my life. 

I want to reiterate, this is not something I'm good at. I have prayed countless times (Well, maybe it can be counted. Let's go with 387 times.) that God would show me that day, and every day what it means to die for my wife (and kids). What does that mean? It means my wife is more important than me. It means that her needs and wants and desires should come first. It means that she needs me to sacrifice for her. Marriage is a call to die.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Philippians 3:12 

Soul Mates - Myth or Truth?

"Webster's dictionary defines wedding as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Michael Scott is definitely our favorite. The real question is, where Phyllis and Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration soul mates? It's possible. Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines soul mate as a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. We've had this discussion a number of times. Is there just one person in the world that God has prepared for you, to enjoy life with you, and put up with you when you are an idiot? I'm not sure that I know the answer, but I will tell you this...I can't imagine living my life with anyone else than my beautiful bride.

I think the key word in the definition is "perfect." Can a spouse or significant other be perfectly suited for you? I don't believe in perfection. Obviously. If you haven't read it, go back and read our last blog post and you can see that I am not perfect at anything. But are you "perfectly suited to" me in temperament? I'm not sure temperament should be in the definition. What does that have to do with being soul mates? Well, then what is a soul mate? If it's not what the dictionary defines it as, then what is a soul mate to you? Before I answer that, I actually think we're pretty close to this definition. If we are defining soul mate based on temperament, ours are very different, but we are well suited to each other because we're opposites in that category. You complete me. <3 Please don't say that. Oh my gosh. 

But seriously, we do complement each other well in terms of our temperaments, I think. Well, I'm not sure I actually believe in the term soul mate if you go by what you said above. I am referring to the "one person just for you from God" part. Because, it doesn't take into consideration those who have spouses pass away or people who enter horrible relationships and are left alone and they end up finding someone else. Well, to my point above, I actually agree with you here. Are we done writing for the night? Just kidding. 

On a lot of my social media profile descriptions, I like to put "the one whom my soul loves." Related to me? No. Spiderman. You dingbat. I got confused. What is the significance of your word semantics? For me, being a soul mate would be loving with everything that you have, being committed through anything because we were paired for a purpose. Therefore, you would be the one that my soul loves, not necessarily believing in a "soul mate." And I know a lot of people who have been married a very long time whose temperaments are not equally opposite or not equally matched. 

To me, the idea of a soul mate makes it sound like everything is peaches and cream all the time. What is the significance of your word semantics? Clearly everyone in a relationship will have disagreements and challenges they face. When you hear that term does it not bring up that connotation in your mind like the couple is just a perfect match that was preordained by Almighty God Himself and could never have a problem? See, I totally disagree with you here. When I hear soul mate, I think of a long-fought, tough journey, where you've learned to connect in a way that other couples may not have. It's kind of like Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. They started off really not liking each other and after a series of difficult events they moved past it and fell in love. Soul mate seems like it would be the example a deep, realistic relationship. I guess I think that because when you talk about your soul, it's a deep, hard to understand, sometimes painful mystery. (May I just say, speaking of deep, these are some deep thoughts from you right now. You are killing it on this blog, sleepy cough medicine and all. I think it's the cough medicine speaking through me. I also thought you were Spiderman. That's because I am, remember? I got bit by a black widow. Oh yeah.)

If we're going to talk about the idea of soul mates, we should really bring in the scripture that talks about how when a couple is married, the two shall become one. What is that one? Google it. (Thanks Tammy.) See Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:8, and Ephesians 5:31. I think we said we would do a blog at some point about the idea of a "one couple," but we need to research to find out which book that was. One of the examples of being a "one couple" is when you think the same thoughts at the same time. I like to say "one couple" a lot, and Jen likes to tell me to shut up. Shut up. So back to your use of the scripture? Well, I just thought we should mention it. Are you saying soul mates doesn't sound like it implies a one couple, or two that have become one? No, actually, I think it does. This idea that we were two and are now one, that sounds like a great definition of soul mates to me. 

According to God's design, you can't get any closer than being one flesh. Well, that sounds inappropriate. I think the biggest issue with soul mates is how people define the term. If you have some sappy, overly romantic, high expectations definition of the word, then you are going to be sorely disappointed. The same could be said of marriage. Good point. Back to the idea of being one, both participants in a marriage need to realize that it is no longer the individual that counts, but the set as one that is important. Make that effort to sacrifice self, now that makes you a soul mate.

So tell us your thoughts. What is your definition of a soul mate, and do you believe they exist? One couple. Shut up.

Dear Horrible Mom

Dear Horrible Mom—

Yeah, I am talking to you. The mom who struggles with keeping a clean house while balancing a job and her family. The one who hates to cook and allows her husband to prepare meals. A crotchety, frustrated, spent mom who finally loses it at the end of the day and yells at her children (Okay, let’s be honest. It might be more like 9:30 am.) Sometimes I see you in the parking lot wrangling your crazy kids as they put every reflex, not to mention ounce of patience, to the test—and it fails. Other times I see you stressing over your time, trying to figure out if you have actually spent enough time just listening to your kids. You wonder if your husband even remembers your name, or what you look like for that matter. You really can’t keep up with every detail, no matter how hard you try.

Let’s face it—you are a real loser. Not just a loser, but a failure. You aren’t helping anyone—not your kids, not your husband, not your coworkers, not anyone. Your kids will grow up to be degenerate, unintelligent, disrespectful people. Your husband will finally look at you one day and realize just how far you have let yourself go. Your job will suffer to the point that no one would ever keep you on staff or hire you. Your church is completely devastated at your lack of participation and leadership. I could go on and on listing out your future disappointments.

At some point, you break. You cry into your pillow, your steering wheel, your laptop, or just whatever’s closest. Who could ever understand what you feel like? Who could put up with such a depressing, pathetic excuse for a mother, wife, friend, and wait…..I can’t even list the rest of the roles you place because it makes me tired.

The truth is that every woman on this planet in every era of history has taken a moment out of her day to label herself a horrible ____________. (You can fill in the blank—worker, wife, sister, friend, etc.) It’s almost like it’s in our DNA to be hard on ourselves. We are our own worst critics. I guarantee, in most cases, someone around you thinks that you are doing a great job. But why would a horrible mom listen to anything positive about the pitiful job she was doing?

I am about to get very real with you here. I am that horrible mom. My husband cooks in our household. Our house is in total chaos a majority of the time (Oh okay—all the time). My car looks like homeless cats probably live inside. Some days, I don’t want to be the best. All I want is to sleep. Maybe even without a foot in my eye socket. I look around at the chips on the floor, the laundry on the back of the couch, the sticky wetness on the door frame (what in the heck is that?) and literally think there is no more horrible mother than I. Forget the fact that I spend waayyy too much time working. I struggle trying to find a balance between my editing time for my job, instructing the boys for school, and just enjoying real face to face time with them. Did I hug them enough today? Did I grade that spelling test? Did I remember to edit that booger off that child’s face in the family picture? Yeah, I am a jumbled up mess some days.

It’s usually on the days where I feel like that horrible mom that I talk to another person who vents to me the exact same struggles that I have had that day and I smile. Relief floods over me and I realize, IT’S NOT JUST ME! I scream it on the inside, from the rooftops of my, uhhh, greater intestine maybe. I usually look her straight in the face and say “Preach sister.” That’s when I realize how important it is for women—not just moms—to be very careful of the social media trap. You know exactly what I am referring to. You can’t sleep (mainly because you are stressing over what you have to do tomorrow, or next week even) so you mindlessly open Pinterest. You scroll nonchalantly through the pins and you stop on that amazing article—How to Clean Your House in a Week (and keep it clean for eternity with 15 minute spot cleanings). Or maybe that article that should give you all the feels—500 Things You Should do With Your Toddler Before they grow up and go to Kindergarten. Or my personal favorite—30 Days to Weighing Exactly What you Think You Should Weigh (with a gorgeous butt). You see pictures of beautiful homes with playrooms that look like no child has ever been there. You see a list of things you should probably do with your kid that you couldn’t complete before he was 30. You glance over and realize that you couldn’t do those exercises even if it meant that someone would gift you a million dollars and do them for you. And don’t even get me started on Facebook. The statuses that haunt me look a little like this: “I completely cleaned my house, had 15 houseguests over for an absolutely awesome party, cheered my son as he threw a no hitter, and now it’s 9pm and I am crawling under the covers about to get it on with the man of my dreams.” We compare not only what we look like, but what we are doing, how we do it, and who did it on less sleep. Sometimes, it can even be the opposite. We compare who has the worst of it. You know the people who groan on and on about how bad their life is. Let’s just be real. Social media needs a good dose of reality and positivity. Is it okay to say that in the same sentence?

So let’s bring this letter back around. It’s time to change a few things horrible mom. First, it’s time to stop being so hard on yourself. I bet (well unless you have a teenager) if you ask your kids right now about the job you are doing, they would praise you. If you talked to a coworker, they would be able to highlight something you did right. Your husband could probably tell you some vital thing you did to keep the house running. We are way harder on ourselves than other people. It’s time we get out of the self-pity and get on the positive. We can’t encourage our kids to think positively about themselves and their bodies if we constantly exhibit the opposite.

Second, get out of the comparison game. It’s a no win situation. There will always be someone better out there. Photography actually taught me this. No matter how much I learn, no matter how much I improve, there will always be someone who is better at photography than me. Once I finally became okay with that, I was able to grow and accept my own work for what it was—mine. It’s the same with womanhood. There will always be a better mom, a better friend, a better wife—but your family, your friends, your coworkers accept you for you—failures and all.

Third, get real on social media. Had a kid poop down your back while you were working? Post it. House looks like a velociraptor had a house party? Post it. Turned an entire load of laundry blue? Post it. Why? Because you will get 50 responses from folks who had the same kind of day and will say, “It does get better. It happens to the best of us.” What should you not post? Keep all spouse rants, bullying, and hatefulness to yourself. Beating down someone else will NOT make you feel better about yourself.

And last, but certainly not least, let people compliment you. Don’t be like me horrible mom. When my husband tells me how much he appreciates me, I sometimes sigh in my head and think, “I bet you do. It meant you didn’t have to do it.” That’s a crappy attitude and there is no place for it (even during PMS). When someone at work compliments a project or someone who is competing with you for a job says something nice, don’t automatically dissect their compliments to find the sarcasm or hidden meanness. When the older lady in Walmart tells you how awesome your kids are behaving as you are quickly pulling your toddler’s pants back up (the ones he had pulled off and was swinging around his head like a lasso) and giving your other child the “put that down before I lose it” look—smile, hug her, and cry on her shoulder. Some of them haven’t forgotten what it was like to be in your shoes.

All this to say, horrible mom, that you are not so horrible. You are an amazing creature that juggles like a clown, is faster than the Flash, needs less sleep than Elf, saves more days than Wonder Woman, and loves more than any person on earth. That in itself is not so bad.

Sincerely Yours,
A Horrible Mom

The world is still turning on its axis

It's almost halftime as I type, and it's been a good Super Bowl for a Falcons fan. As I was watching I thought about how we ditched cable a number of years ago. It happened not long after we bounced those two checks and knew we had to do things differently. For a while, we kept the most basic of basic cable. It was channels 2-14 I think, which at the time was the local channels, PBS (PBS Kids!), Windstream Channel 4, and I think Peachtree channel (there were some Braves games on that channel). But after a while we realized there was no point in even hanging on to that!

Translate that to mean that I got to watch very few sporting events. Also, Jen could no longer watch America's Next Top Model and Project Runway. Those who know me know how much I have enjoyed sports throughout my life. Frankly, I thought it would be pretty tough to endure not getting to sit on the couch and ignore my family and do nothing for 2-3 hours at a time. Turns out it's not so bad!

Granted, things have changed in the home entertainment landscape over the last several years. Things like Netflix and Hulu have turned the television market upside down. So we now watch Netflix or watch some of our favorite shows on our Roku TV with the national channel apps. And a lot of times games like the Super Bowl are streamed online, so we can watch it for free. (Full disclosure here, I borrow someone's cable subscription login so that I can watch games on WatchESPN occasionally. But you can also get Sling TV and some other options for relatively cheap.)

I know a lot of you reading this probably have also ditched cable or satellite. It's not so bad, is it? For you guys (or even gals) who are considering cutting cable or ditching the dish and think you can't live without sports or live television, I promise, your life will not come to an end if you don't get to watch your team at home 12 Saturdays a month. The world will still turn on its axis. Now, if you live in our geographic area, yes, the quality of any broadcast is beholden to Windstream. Even tonight watching the Super Bowl, several times we have been greeted with... 

(It is so ironic that as I went to insert that photo from Google Photos, a message popped on my screen reading, "There is no internet connection." I'm not kidding! You can't make this stuff up! Thanks Obama! We had to unplug and plug back in the modem to get the internet to rejoin us. We're gonna miss the Lady Gaga Pepsi Zero Sugar Halftime Show. Darn.)

So it can be frustrating when all you want to do is watch one video or one stream. Come on! But I suppose one thing it's good for is teaching us patience and remembering what things are not worth getting worked up over.

Here's the problem, and I touched on it in a previous post. We have to be careful that our TV watching has not been replaced by time with our faces in our phones, or tablets, or computers. We need to make sure we replace it with time on things that matter. Right now, Jen is sitting on the couch reading a book, I think that's a baker's dozen for the year. That's a good way to spend time. I'm still working on my progress in this area (I have read one book though). I need to be more "present where my feet are." That's a quote my friend Jacob shared with me. It makes good sense, Yes we are saving money, but I hope we're saving some of our lives too.

That's not a lie. That's love.

I always have to explain to the kids that a lie is a lie no matter how big or small. Even a lie to make someone feel better or to keep from hurting someone is still, at its root, a lie. My mommy senses start to tingle whenever Anthony starts a "good lie." Come on ladies, you know what I'm talking about. "No, those pants don't make your butt look fat." Or my personal favorite, "You are the most beautiful woman in the world." It makes me flinch. I know that he's trying to be sweet or kind, but at the root of the compliment, there is a lie. Of course those pants make my butt look fat. That's why I wear a shirt to cover it. There's no way I am the most beautiful woman in the world when there are ladies walking around that actually call themselves angels (Victoria Secret models for those that don't understand). However, for example, if you add the words "to me" at the end of or at the beginning of either one of those statements, that doesn't make it a lie. So you are saying that to you have never seen a woman more beautiful? Yeah, that's right. Key word is that you said "seen." Is beauty only skin deep to you?

To me, lying is lying. If I want my kids to not lie, then I have to model that in front of them right? Just this evening, we were discussing this blog topic when I explained to Anthony that I didn't really lie much. TJ was quick to remind me that I do--I lie to Jase when his tablet is still charged and I tell him it's dead. I lie to Jase when I tell him I can't find his "Jase's Daddy's phone." Even lying to save one's sanity is, in fact, lying. If Jase's tablet is still alive, I just need to tell him that it's not time for his tablet. I agree with that. Sometimes it feels like it's not worth it to be a good parent though, especially when you don't feel like you have the energy. The truth is, he's going to scream and be mad either way. 

I guess my point is, our relationships are not supposed to be built on lies; they are supposed to be built on truths. "You are very pretty," would be an okay statement as I am at least very pretty to Anthony or he wouldn't have married me. Well, at least I wasn't butt ugly. There's a truth. But you will just say, "Yeah right." To me, it takes effort to say a truth. You have to be willing to think about what you say and mean it. The truth can also be painful and not something we want to hear. I still believe that the truth will set you free. This is like an actual conversation for us. I don't know what to add because what you are saying is so wise. See.....lying is just unbecoming. 

I agree with Brad Paisley, or whoever wrote the song that he sings. "That's not a lie; that's love." Do you really want to take your marriage advice from a Brad Paisley song?  He also wrote "I'm Gonna Miss Her." But he also sang, and this is the way I feel about you, "She's Everything to Me," and "The World." And that's the truth. Your love for Brad Paisley is apparently the truth. (Giggles like a little girl who just saw her crush walk by in the hallway.) 

Back to the point--a lie is a lie. The truth is too hard. The truth makes us feel vulnerable and not good enough. What about that time on a Sunday morning when you tried on a new LuLaRoe dress for the first time and I said, "That makes you look wider than you are?" Well I knew the truth. I wasn't going to wear it without a belt or cinched in some way. So that was just stupid. Then why did you go upstairs and change and make me feel like I ruined your whole life? Honest truth? Because I never got to explain what I was going to do and how I was going to wear it. You just threw your two cents out there. Wait, didn't you ask me how it looked? No. You, as usual, are not remembering this conversation accurately. Either way, I want to know if I look stupid before I go out the door. The last thing I need is to look like a psycho mom of boys when I enter any place where there are other adults. Oh well, I guess that happens anyhow. #lie.

So the truth is too hard--as you can tell from the above. My point is, instead of lying to your spouse, how about tell them the truth. Also, don't wait to tell them they look fat AFTER they have already purchased the LuLaRoe dress that they like. How is that even possible if you haven't tried it on before you bought it? The world is already full of liars and flattering tongues so it would be nice for a little (or a lot) of honesty from the one person with whom you are trusting your heart. What if I suggested a restaurant that you didn't want to go to, but you knew I really did and you said that you wanted that as well? Let's get real here for a second. Has there ever been a time in our marriage when you didn't know where I didn't want to eat? You basically can tell when I don't want to do something. That's what you tell me all the time anyway. When did this become we were talking to each other because you have a lot of personal pronouns in there? Hey, you asked a question. If you can't deal with the truth, don't ask. I still think mine was a great example of when it's okay to lie. Take it or leave it. I'll leave it because you still shouldn't have to lie. Alright, is it about time to wrap it up? See, some people like to run from the truth when things get too real. I really don't like that I am letting you type this one. I appreciate your honesty. 

Let's make a challenge for all our readers this week.  Of course we will do it with you! All I am asking is for you to be more truthful with those in your household. Don't think of easy ways out. Speak truth into their lives--even if it's hard. Truth takes courage and thinking before you speak. I am game. I don't think you can handle the truth though. I am pretty sure I can put my big girl panties on for this one. I am just glad you say you like the food I cook. Ohhhh.....maybe truthfully I love that you cook the food.