Why did we get married?

Yes, that's a real question that I asked my wife. We were out on a "date night" recently when I said it. It was sort of a rhetorical question. I wasn't mad at the time. We weren't arguing. I wasn't yelling in Outback Steakhouse when I said it, like we were in the middle of a screaming fight and I screamed, "Why did we even get married???" It was a simple question I was posing to hopefully spur some thought. 

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago next to my wife. I was looking at my cell phone (It's an Android phone if anyone is interested. I went to the dark side a while back, mainly due to the price. Jen thinks it's a piece of crap. It kind of is, but it was only $49. And then I saw Ashley the other day, one of Jen's and my former players/students, and she couldn't believe I didn't have an iPhone anymore.) I looked at Jen and she was either looking at her iPhone or reading a book. She does both in bed, so I can't remember this time. 

At the moment I felt very disconnected from her. It wasn't like we weren't getting along or things were going bad. It just seemed as if we really had not been on the same page for a little while. So when we went to dinner one night a few days later, I popped the question. "Why did we get married?" She wasn't really sure what I meant, so I had to explain myself.

I know there are stages in life. Especially when you have kids involved, there are going to be periods, stages, cycles in life, whatever you want to call them, when you just do not feel close or connected to your spouse. Kids have a tendency to dominate our lives, as we've discussed before in blogs and videos. But even if you don't have kids, other things can potentially get in between you and your spouse. It might be TV, work, phones, friends, whatever.

So I asked the question because I wanted us to remember what it was that caused us to get married. In fact, Jen has also recently said she felt like we were not in sync, or that we were distant. It is so easy to get focused on so many other things that we forget to remember to connect with each other. I never want us to get to a point where the children, who obviously mean so much to us, take up so much attention and drive the activity in our lives that we can't be just Jen and Ant sometimes.

Part of this stream of thought stemmed from the road trip we took. It caused me to reminisce about the times when we would go on little trips together. The last time we had been in Philadelphia prior to this summer, it was just Jen and me. The Westminster brats had gathered up a ton of Wendy's cups for us when Wendy's was doing a promotion to give a way free AirTran flights. I don't remember how many cups it took, but they collected enough cups out of trash cans and dumpsters and from strangers to get us two free round-trip tickets to Philadelphia. We went and had such a blast. It also turns out that Jen was pregnant with TJ at the time, even though we didn't know it. 

We had season passes to Six Flags for two years. We went on a camping trip to Charleston, in the middle of summer, in a tent, and we had a campfire and also enjoyed a time share presentation for $75 worth of free meals and attractions. All of it my idea. We chaperoned high school field trips to Boston and Chicago. We flew to L.A. to visit my brother and sister-in-law, and visited the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. We went to Chattanooga and Savannah. We went camping a bunch of other times. I don't know what else we did, but it was a lot of fun. 

I got a little side tracked just now thinking about all the trips we took. But what I really want to make sure is that we don't forget that we had so much fun, just the two of us. We loved each other's company and were goofy and spontaneous. It's not that we don't enjoy each other's company now, but it tends to be different. I have to be careful now not to talk all about the budget or money. She has to be careful not to always talk about plans for the kids. 

So when I popped the question, I just wanted her to think about it. Why did we get married? Let's don't lose sight that we were once just the two of us. We have added so many blessings to the picture that enrich our lives daily. However, without us, there is no them. Without our love, there is no future here. Let's remember it, and invest in it, and make an effort to be the "one couple" I like to joke about. Now and always. 

Jen, if you're reading...I love you, and you're the funnest person I know.

Camera Shy: Dodging Dads

It happens almost every time a mom calls, messages or e-mails me to book a family session. “My husband absolutely hates doing pictures!” It happens so much that I think I could count on one hand the number of clients who haven’t said it. Even my friends whose husbands I have known for quite awhile, will say the same thing the first time they book. Let’s be completely honest here friends. I live with four guys. I know exactly what you are talking about. The last thing they want to do is go sit in front of some person (sitting still no less) and smile like an idiot. Smiling too much hurts anyway, right?

What is a Dodging Dad you might ask? It’s the dad who can’t find time in his schedule to do photographs. The guy who not only shrinks away from the camera, but from even being within ten feet of one. I am pretty sure he even grimaces at the thought that security cameras follow his every move in every store he’s ever walked into—including Tractor Supply. Truthfully, it’s not because he is a bad person or wants to make his wife’s life a little harder, he just doesn’t like doing it. It’s not at the top of his list of favorite things to do. In fact, it might be at the top of his list of favorite things not to do.

How can you tell if you are one of these dads? I will give you a quick little quiz to determine if you fall into this category.

1)     Do you make scheduling a time for family photographs difficult? Whether it be a lack of flexibility in scheduling, to grumbling and complaining about the timing, the weather, the clothes?

2)     Do you look constipated in every shot during a photo session and creep away to the car at the first opportunity that it might look like your part is over?

3)     Do you watch your wife lug her camera around every vacation without offering to pick it up and shoot a few of her with the kids?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a Dodger. And no, not the cool kind that gets paid millions of dollars to throw around a ball in the great American pastime.

Let me be real with you guys. Women have the tendency to be hoarders. Not just like the crazy television show, but more emotional, memory hoarders. We save everything from used pregnancy tests confirming we are finally becoming parents, to a first lost tooth and a locket of hair from their first hair cut. We want to document every chubby cheek, every little toe, every sweet smile. It’s ingrained in us to be sentimental and for those things to be important to us. It’s who we are and these moments—those that include our families—are what we live for. That’s why, on every single holiday, vacation, and school program you see us lugging around a camera—be it cell phone or a complicated DSLR. It explains why we drive you a little crazy snapping pictures on the beach as you dig in the sand with the kids or spend half our time at a birthday party not socializing with guests, but shooting pictures of a little toddler with cake all over his hands. It is also the reason behind our tears when we flip through an album and realize that everyone is represented except for—you guessed it—mom.

It makes sense that it wouldn’t be as important to you because you are wired completely different. Sentimentality is not something you are as familiar with. While you look at your wife’s desire for photographic memories and see time and money gone, she looks at it as precious time she can never get back, no matter the cost. And keep in mind, there is one place where you both will feel the same. She’s just as uncomfortable and uncertain about being in front of a camera as you are. Of course she is smiling and excited about it, but behind it all she is worried about how these will turn out! Will the kids behave? Will she photograph well, or look as tired and worn down as she feels? Will the photographer be nice and understanding, or judgmental and critical? Also, did I mention she worries about whether or not her kids will behave??

“Oh no!,” you might be thinking. How can I give up my dodging tendencies and make this experience a little easier on all of us? I am so glad you asked! Here are a couple of ways to end your Dodging Dad status and become the supportive awesome dad we all know you are!

1)     Make an effort to be flexible when it comes to scheduling. I know it’s tough with work, but she has made the effort to make plans, it can’t hurt to be accommodating when it comes to scheduling.

2)     When she asks for your opinion on clothes or things to bring, give one! Even if you don’t care whether it’s jeans or khakis, be active in the decision making and offer some thoughts. Often times, she’s trying to coordinate the whole entire family’s wardrobe so a little input from you not only shows you are interested, but care about what she’s planning.

3)     Mentally prepare yourself to be pleasant at the session. Yes, you are going to be smiling. Most likely you will be kid wrangling. If you are shooting in August, you are going to be sweaty. No matter what obstacles you might face, prepare yourself ahead of time to stay positive. If you prepare ahead of time you are more likely to laugh, smile, and possibly even enjoy your time with your family.

4)     Don’t be afraid to show some PDA to your wife. Most likely, you haven’t had photographs of the two of you together since your wedding day (That’s the 2nd most thing I hear when people are scheduling!). Hug and kiss her, hold her hand, laugh and smile with her—look at her like the photographer isn’t even there. It’s okay. Every photographer is used to seeing people do this so it won’t be weird for them. Make memories for your kids to look back on and remember just how much their parents loved each other.

5)     Be proactive about picking up your wife’s camera—be it the cell phone or the complicated DSLR. If you are pretty uncomfortable in front of the camera, this is a great way to at least avoid it some (Don’t worry ladies! I will address your tendency to hide behind the camera in a later blog!). Take the time to grab some shots of her and the kids on vacation. Take a few of her holding her sweet little baby on Christmas morning. Want to really jump out of the Dodger category? Take a few of her with the kids without her knowing! It will be a little surprise for her on her cell phone!

I know what I am asking you to do is tough. Asking you to step out of your comfort zone is a big deal. Just consider for a moment how much easier the experience would be for all of you if you were completely on board and supportive of your wife in this. If you are still struggling with the idea of doing the five action steps above, just think about your wife and all she does for your family. Think about all the planning, child-rearing, working, and loving she does every day. Stepping out of your comfort zone once a year for a family photo session seems so small in terms of what she does for you 365 days a year. And, if you want to laugh and not have to fake some smiles, consider hiring me. At least 80% of the dads I work with actually say to me before they leave, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” I take this as a compliment and a challenge to make a family session as fun for dads as I do the kids! 

How we planned our family road trip

We took a family road trip last week. It was a long but rewarding journey with the five of us plus Jennifer's parents and grandmother. We drove about 2,400 miles and were in the car for over 53 hours. I'm not sure how many miles we walked or steps we took, but it was a lot. Somehow we still managed to gain weight! Our trip went from home to Philadelphia, to Boston, to New York, to Amish country, to Roanoke, to home.

I just wanted to highlight a few things we did to make the trip go as smoothly as possible.

Transportation

We rented a premium SUV from Enterprise. It was to be a Chevrolet Suburban or similar. I was hoping for a Suburban as I've always loved those vehicles since I was a kid and was looking forward to driving one on an extended trip. We ended up instead with a Ford Expedition EL. 

We opted to purchase the damage waiver, which was $20 PER DAY. That's a lot, I know, but I'll explain why we did it. First, we were planning to drive through a few big cities. Drivers can be crazy and we thought the extra measure of protection would be prudent. I checked with our insurance company who confirmed that the coverage on our vehicles extends to the rental vehicle, for the most part. However, if we got in an accident that could have an impact on our premiums in the future. Further, if the vehicle was damaged the rental company could charge us for "lost wages" of sorts related to the time the vehicle was out of commission. I also checked to see if the credit card we rented with provided coverage for rental cars. The only card we have is an American Express, and THEY DO cover rental cars. However, there are some exclusions, and one of them happens to be full-size SUVs! So that wasn't going to help. It turned out we didn't need the damage waiver, but I still think it was a wise decision for peace of mind.

The Expedition EL was a terrific road trip vehicle. It was so comfortable the entire ride with plenty of room for all eight passengers. You know how usually on a long drive you feel the need to adjust your seating position since your, ummm, upper leg might fall asleep or your legs are uncomfortable? I can't speak for everyone else, but I never felt the need to re-position at all the entire trip while driving. Now that is comfort. We also had enough room behind the third row to keep the luggage packed such that the driver could still see out the back window mostly. That's pretty good! 

Gas was about $2 per gallon during our trip, so we caught a break there. The vehicle averaged 18 miles per gallon including highway and a lot of sitting in city traffic. On a side note, just know if you travel up north in and out of cities you will pay tolls, and you will pay a lot. We spent over $100 in tolls during the trip. For your reference, you can purchase an EZ Pass transponder that works for any of the states in the Northeast pretty much. It starts in North Carolina and covers almost every state through Maine. This Delaware site has a good map. You DO have to load it with plenty of money online, however. But, if you forget or don't have enough, it's okay. They'll bill you.

In the cities, we took very little public transportation. We did do a lot of walking, but public transportation wasn't a good option for us with a larger family group including people who weren't used to it. We did take a ferry into Boston, and we rode the ferry from Staten Island to Manhattan. Philadelphia has a great option called Phlash that allows unlimited rides for a day for $5 per person. Kids four and under and senior citizens ride for free. We also bought an all access pass in Boston that included a trolley we could hop on and off. That was a great idea in our case and worked out well.

Lodging

With eight people in our group, we figured it would be a challenge to get book one room to house all of us. You may think we are crazy for even wanting to room together, but we had our reasons. One of the reasons is that our kids love their grandparents and like to hang out with them. Rooming together would allow that along with easy communication. I actually found a great site that is designed for finding hotels for large groups or families. It is www.sixsuitcasetravel.com. The site allows you to enter a city and a mile radius. Then it displays the hotels and indicates how many people it can hold. This made it easy for me to find hotels that had suites holding up to eight people. The first two nights we stayed in Mount Laurel, NJ, in a Staybridge Suites. I have nothing but good things to say. This was basically a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment including a kitchen and living room. One bedroom has two double beds and the other a queen. There was also a pull-out couch bed. 

The second leg of the trip we stayed three nights near Boston in an apartment booked on www.airbnb.com. This was our first time using Aibnb, and it was a terrific experience. I think you just need to be careful to look at the reviews and ask plenty of questions if the descriptions or photos do not provide a clear explanation of something you are concerned about. The key is to make sure it is exactly what you are looking for and think it is. There are other options for this type of rental, of course, but this one worked out well for us.

The last couple of nights were in a Best Western Plus resort and in a Hampton Inn. Both were nice stays, and the former had an eight person suite.

Attractions

In Philadelphia, a lot of the things we wanted to see and visit were free. We visited a lot of the historical sites as well as the US Mint and the "Rocky steps." On the way to Boston we stopped in at Lexington and Concord, which was a free experience. We got rained and hailed on, but it was fun. For Boston we purchased a two-day Go Card All-Inclusive pass which proved to be a great investment. Among the attractions we visited/enjoyed were the New England Aquarium, a hop on and off trolley ride, a tour of Fenway Park, the Skywalk Observatory, the Paul Revere house, and the JFK Library and Presidential Museum. If you click the link you can see the prices for those attractions individually and the cost of the pass, but we saved a good deal of money on each pass. I think if you are exploring a city you don't know much about, one of these passes is a great idea. 

In New York, we really had just planned to park on Staten Island and ride the ferry over and then hop back on and come back. We did do that, but I couldn't pass by the city and not at least see some of it. None of us had ever been to New York. So I plotted some points in my Google Maps app to guide us through the city. We drove to and beside and through Central Park (by way of East Harlem), Broadway, Times Square, the Empire State Building, One World Trade Center, and on to Staten Island. It wasn't the best way to experience the city, obviously, but we saw a lot of things we had never seen in a relatively tight time frame. I think it worked out great. On a side note, I can say I've driven in a full-size SUV in Philadelphia, Boston, and New York City. It really wasn't bad, although many advised me against it. Just don't hit pedestrians and you'll be fine.

Food

When you have a large group on a vacation, it's nice to try to make some meals instead of eating out every time, but due to our schedule we didn't really have that luxury. One of the problems with eating out at restaurants is that it can be expensive. Another problem, and this is the big one, and don't act like it's not an issue for your family, is that it's often a challenge to decide where to eat to make sure everyone is happy. I had done a little research in advance but had not planned the specific places to eat. What I did determine to do, however, was to just be decisive in picking a place. I knew that would be the best even if it wasn't completely satisfying for everyone. In the end, the thing I thought might cause the most conflict ended up going very smoothly. So, my advice here is, just make a decision and run with it. Everyone will be okay in the end.

We did eat at some yummy local places (Sonny's Famous Steaks in Philly and La Famiglia Gorgio's in North Boston), but we didn't always eat at local places. I would suggest not stressing about where you eat. Yes, it's great to enjoy the local flavors. But if the first night after a really long drive there is an On the Border restaurant near the hotel, go for it.

Planning

Jen called me a nerd and said we would never follow it and that she didn't want to be tied down to a schedule, but, yes, I made an itinerary. It was just a draft, but I thought we needed something to at least guide us each day. It included addresses and websites for some things. In the end, we actually did use it every day and somewhat stuck to it. It was very helpful to have to refer to and eliminated most of the stress of planning the next day. The only things we had to figure out was parking a couple of times. It took a lot of time to put it all together, but it was worth it.

The trip wasn't perfect, but it was fun and created a lot of memories and photos we'll look back on fondly. Hopefully if you plan a family road trip anytime soon this will give you some tips to make it the hap-hap-happiest family road trip ever!