Camera Shy: Dodging Dads

It happens almost every time a mom calls, messages or e-mails me to book a family session. “My husband absolutely hates doing pictures!” It happens so much that I think I could count on one hand the number of clients who haven’t said it. Even my friends whose husbands I have known for quite awhile, will say the same thing the first time they book. Let’s be completely honest here friends. I live with four guys. I know exactly what you are talking about. The last thing they want to do is go sit in front of some person (sitting still no less) and smile like an idiot. Smiling too much hurts anyway, right?

What is a Dodging Dad you might ask? It’s the dad who can’t find time in his schedule to do photographs. The guy who not only shrinks away from the camera, but from even being within ten feet of one. I am pretty sure he even grimaces at the thought that security cameras follow his every move in every store he’s ever walked into—including Tractor Supply. Truthfully, it’s not because he is a bad person or wants to make his wife’s life a little harder, he just doesn’t like doing it. It’s not at the top of his list of favorite things to do. In fact, it might be at the top of his list of favorite things not to do.

How can you tell if you are one of these dads? I will give you a quick little quiz to determine if you fall into this category.

1)     Do you make scheduling a time for family photographs difficult? Whether it be a lack of flexibility in scheduling, to grumbling and complaining about the timing, the weather, the clothes?

2)     Do you look constipated in every shot during a photo session and creep away to the car at the first opportunity that it might look like your part is over?

3)     Do you watch your wife lug her camera around every vacation without offering to pick it up and shoot a few of her with the kids?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a Dodger. And no, not the cool kind that gets paid millions of dollars to throw around a ball in the great American pastime.

Let me be real with you guys. Women have the tendency to be hoarders. Not just like the crazy television show, but more emotional, memory hoarders. We save everything from used pregnancy tests confirming we are finally becoming parents, to a first lost tooth and a locket of hair from their first hair cut. We want to document every chubby cheek, every little toe, every sweet smile. It’s ingrained in us to be sentimental and for those things to be important to us. It’s who we are and these moments—those that include our families—are what we live for. That’s why, on every single holiday, vacation, and school program you see us lugging around a camera—be it cell phone or a complicated DSLR. It explains why we drive you a little crazy snapping pictures on the beach as you dig in the sand with the kids or spend half our time at a birthday party not socializing with guests, but shooting pictures of a little toddler with cake all over his hands. It is also the reason behind our tears when we flip through an album and realize that everyone is represented except for—you guessed it—mom.

It makes sense that it wouldn’t be as important to you because you are wired completely different. Sentimentality is not something you are as familiar with. While you look at your wife’s desire for photographic memories and see time and money gone, she looks at it as precious time she can never get back, no matter the cost. And keep in mind, there is one place where you both will feel the same. She’s just as uncomfortable and uncertain about being in front of a camera as you are. Of course she is smiling and excited about it, but behind it all she is worried about how these will turn out! Will the kids behave? Will she photograph well, or look as tired and worn down as she feels? Will the photographer be nice and understanding, or judgmental and critical? Also, did I mention she worries about whether or not her kids will behave??

“Oh no!,” you might be thinking. How can I give up my dodging tendencies and make this experience a little easier on all of us? I am so glad you asked! Here are a couple of ways to end your Dodging Dad status and become the supportive awesome dad we all know you are!

1)     Make an effort to be flexible when it comes to scheduling. I know it’s tough with work, but she has made the effort to make plans, it can’t hurt to be accommodating when it comes to scheduling.

2)     When she asks for your opinion on clothes or things to bring, give one! Even if you don’t care whether it’s jeans or khakis, be active in the decision making and offer some thoughts. Often times, she’s trying to coordinate the whole entire family’s wardrobe so a little input from you not only shows you are interested, but care about what she’s planning.

3)     Mentally prepare yourself to be pleasant at the session. Yes, you are going to be smiling. Most likely you will be kid wrangling. If you are shooting in August, you are going to be sweaty. No matter what obstacles you might face, prepare yourself ahead of time to stay positive. If you prepare ahead of time you are more likely to laugh, smile, and possibly even enjoy your time with your family.

4)     Don’t be afraid to show some PDA to your wife. Most likely, you haven’t had photographs of the two of you together since your wedding day (That’s the 2nd most thing I hear when people are scheduling!). Hug and kiss her, hold her hand, laugh and smile with her—look at her like the photographer isn’t even there. It’s okay. Every photographer is used to seeing people do this so it won’t be weird for them. Make memories for your kids to look back on and remember just how much their parents loved each other.

5)     Be proactive about picking up your wife’s camera—be it the cell phone or the complicated DSLR. If you are pretty uncomfortable in front of the camera, this is a great way to at least avoid it some (Don’t worry ladies! I will address your tendency to hide behind the camera in a later blog!). Take the time to grab some shots of her and the kids on vacation. Take a few of her holding her sweet little baby on Christmas morning. Want to really jump out of the Dodger category? Take a few of her with the kids without her knowing! It will be a little surprise for her on her cell phone!

I know what I am asking you to do is tough. Asking you to step out of your comfort zone is a big deal. Just consider for a moment how much easier the experience would be for all of you if you were completely on board and supportive of your wife in this. If you are still struggling with the idea of doing the five action steps above, just think about your wife and all she does for your family. Think about all the planning, child-rearing, working, and loving she does every day. Stepping out of your comfort zone once a year for a family photo session seems so small in terms of what she does for you 365 days a year. And, if you want to laugh and not have to fake some smiles, consider hiring me. At least 80% of the dads I work with actually say to me before they leave, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” I take this as a compliment and a challenge to make a family session as fun for dads as I do the kids! 

How we planned our family road trip

We took a family road trip last week. It was a long but rewarding journey with the five of us plus Jennifer's parents and grandmother. We drove about 2,400 miles and were in the car for over 53 hours. I'm not sure how many miles we walked or steps we took, but it was a lot. Somehow we still managed to gain weight! Our trip went from home to Philadelphia, to Boston, to New York, to Amish country, to Roanoke, to home.

I just wanted to highlight a few things we did to make the trip go as smoothly as possible.

Transportation

We rented a premium SUV from Enterprise. It was to be a Chevrolet Suburban or similar. I was hoping for a Suburban as I've always loved those vehicles since I was a kid and was looking forward to driving one on an extended trip. We ended up instead with a Ford Expedition EL. 

We opted to purchase the damage waiver, which was $20 PER DAY. That's a lot, I know, but I'll explain why we did it. First, we were planning to drive through a few big cities. Drivers can be crazy and we thought the extra measure of protection would be prudent. I checked with our insurance company who confirmed that the coverage on our vehicles extends to the rental vehicle, for the most part. However, if we got in an accident that could have an impact on our premiums in the future. Further, if the vehicle was damaged the rental company could charge us for "lost wages" of sorts related to the time the vehicle was out of commission. I also checked to see if the credit card we rented with provided coverage for rental cars. The only card we have is an American Express, and THEY DO cover rental cars. However, there are some exclusions, and one of them happens to be full-size SUVs! So that wasn't going to help. It turned out we didn't need the damage waiver, but I still think it was a wise decision for peace of mind.

The Expedition EL was a terrific road trip vehicle. It was so comfortable the entire ride with plenty of room for all eight passengers. You know how usually on a long drive you feel the need to adjust your seating position since your, ummm, upper leg might fall asleep or your legs are uncomfortable? I can't speak for everyone else, but I never felt the need to re-position at all the entire trip while driving. Now that is comfort. We also had enough room behind the third row to keep the luggage packed such that the driver could still see out the back window mostly. That's pretty good! 

Gas was about $2 per gallon during our trip, so we caught a break there. The vehicle averaged 18 miles per gallon including highway and a lot of sitting in city traffic. On a side note, just know if you travel up north in and out of cities you will pay tolls, and you will pay a lot. We spent over $100 in tolls during the trip. For your reference, you can purchase an EZ Pass transponder that works for any of the states in the Northeast pretty much. It starts in North Carolina and covers almost every state through Maine. This Delaware site has a good map. You DO have to load it with plenty of money online, however. But, if you forget or don't have enough, it's okay. They'll bill you.

In the cities, we took very little public transportation. We did do a lot of walking, but public transportation wasn't a good option for us with a larger family group including people who weren't used to it. We did take a ferry into Boston, and we rode the ferry from Staten Island to Manhattan. Philadelphia has a great option called Phlash that allows unlimited rides for a day for $5 per person. Kids four and under and senior citizens ride for free. We also bought an all access pass in Boston that included a trolley we could hop on and off. That was a great idea in our case and worked out well.

Lodging

With eight people in our group, we figured it would be a challenge to get book one room to house all of us. You may think we are crazy for even wanting to room together, but we had our reasons. One of the reasons is that our kids love their grandparents and like to hang out with them. Rooming together would allow that along with easy communication. I actually found a great site that is designed for finding hotels for large groups or families. It is www.sixsuitcasetravel.com. The site allows you to enter a city and a mile radius. Then it displays the hotels and indicates how many people it can hold. This made it easy for me to find hotels that had suites holding up to eight people. The first two nights we stayed in Mount Laurel, NJ, in a Staybridge Suites. I have nothing but good things to say. This was basically a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment including a kitchen and living room. One bedroom has two double beds and the other a queen. There was also a pull-out couch bed. 

The second leg of the trip we stayed three nights near Boston in an apartment booked on www.airbnb.com. This was our first time using Aibnb, and it was a terrific experience. I think you just need to be careful to look at the reviews and ask plenty of questions if the descriptions or photos do not provide a clear explanation of something you are concerned about. The key is to make sure it is exactly what you are looking for and think it is. There are other options for this type of rental, of course, but this one worked out well for us.

The last couple of nights were in a Best Western Plus resort and in a Hampton Inn. Both were nice stays, and the former had an eight person suite.

Attractions

In Philadelphia, a lot of the things we wanted to see and visit were free. We visited a lot of the historical sites as well as the US Mint and the "Rocky steps." On the way to Boston we stopped in at Lexington and Concord, which was a free experience. We got rained and hailed on, but it was fun. For Boston we purchased a two-day Go Card All-Inclusive pass which proved to be a great investment. Among the attractions we visited/enjoyed were the New England Aquarium, a hop on and off trolley ride, a tour of Fenway Park, the Skywalk Observatory, the Paul Revere house, and the JFK Library and Presidential Museum. If you click the link you can see the prices for those attractions individually and the cost of the pass, but we saved a good deal of money on each pass. I think if you are exploring a city you don't know much about, one of these passes is a great idea. 

In New York, we really had just planned to park on Staten Island and ride the ferry over and then hop back on and come back. We did do that, but I couldn't pass by the city and not at least see some of it. None of us had ever been to New York. So I plotted some points in my Google Maps app to guide us through the city. We drove to and beside and through Central Park (by way of East Harlem), Broadway, Times Square, the Empire State Building, One World Trade Center, and on to Staten Island. It wasn't the best way to experience the city, obviously, but we saw a lot of things we had never seen in a relatively tight time frame. I think it worked out great. On a side note, I can say I've driven in a full-size SUV in Philadelphia, Boston, and New York City. It really wasn't bad, although many advised me against it. Just don't hit pedestrians and you'll be fine.

Food

When you have a large group on a vacation, it's nice to try to make some meals instead of eating out every time, but due to our schedule we didn't really have that luxury. One of the problems with eating out at restaurants is that it can be expensive. Another problem, and this is the big one, and don't act like it's not an issue for your family, is that it's often a challenge to decide where to eat to make sure everyone is happy. I had done a little research in advance but had not planned the specific places to eat. What I did determine to do, however, was to just be decisive in picking a place. I knew that would be the best even if it wasn't completely satisfying for everyone. In the end, the thing I thought might cause the most conflict ended up going very smoothly. So, my advice here is, just make a decision and run with it. Everyone will be okay in the end.

We did eat at some yummy local places (Sonny's Famous Steaks in Philly and La Famiglia Gorgio's in North Boston), but we didn't always eat at local places. I would suggest not stressing about where you eat. Yes, it's great to enjoy the local flavors. But if the first night after a really long drive there is an On the Border restaurant near the hotel, go for it.

Planning

Jen called me a nerd and said we would never follow it and that she didn't want to be tied down to a schedule, but, yes, I made an itinerary. It was just a draft, but I thought we needed something to at least guide us each day. It included addresses and websites for some things. In the end, we actually did use it every day and somewhat stuck to it. It was very helpful to have to refer to and eliminated most of the stress of planning the next day. The only things we had to figure out was parking a couple of times. It took a lot of time to put it all together, but it was worth it.

The trip wasn't perfect, but it was fun and created a lot of memories and photos we'll look back on fondly. Hopefully if you plan a family road trip anytime soon this will give you some tips to make it the hap-hap-happiest family road trip ever!

On friendship

Many years ago, I remember my mom and dad sitting me down and talking to me about choosing friends. They thought it was such an important topic that we actually had multiple discussions about it. They often explained why I wouldn't be able to go with certain friends, or why sometimes it was best to walk away from other friends. At the time, the information was more irritating and frustrating for me than anything.

Thennnnn....I got older. I realize now that the friends I keep not only say a lot about me, but encourage me to stay on the right path. Anthony and I were falling madly in love again on a date at the BBQ Shack awhile back, (Well, let's be honest, I was falling in love with my very tasty chicken and stew) and started talking about personal friends of ours that had come to us for advice, to vent, or to help find a solution to a problem. We also talked about looking to our friends for advice for ourselves or to help us think through an issue.

It was at that moment that it really hit home for me--my parents were totally right. I mean, I saw it when I was a kid, but I think the irritation I had about it blinded me to the real truth of it all. What kid wants their parents to give them advice about friends, right?
    
People, let's be honest. If a friend of ours comes to us complaining about their husband or wife, we often commiserate right? "Oh yeah! My husband is a total butt too! I mean just the other day he......."
Even worse, we might start talking about how awful the person they are talking about is--and in that moment, we become the kind of friend my parents warned me about so many years ago.
    
Of course, at this point you are probably wondering what kind of hoodlums my parents were warning me against. First, they warned me against people who would tempt me to jeopardize my stance as a Christian. That was always first and foremost. Anyone who would lead me away from Christ was not someone I wanted to hang with regularly. They also warned about the dramatic friends. Ladies, you know these folks. They are the ones that encourage the gossip and the back stabbing. The ones who still get that high off the middle school drama and live each new day for something--more like someone--to destroy. The third type were the "Beat-you-down-so-I-feel-better" friends. Men and women are both culprits in this. "My job is just so awesome and you know you wish you could be me." "My kids are just angels in the grocery store! I don't think I have ever had to peel even one of them from the toy or candy aisle. They would NEVER behave so savagely." There were many others, but these were some of the most prevalent at the stage of life I was in at the time.
    
As Anthony and I discussed some good advice he had given his friend, I thought to myself, "What would have happened had he encouraged him in a more negative direction?" How many times has a friend of mine come to me and vented about their husband, kids, and/or friends and I have just jumped right in and either bashed them or someone close to me? This made me reevaluate what kind of friend I truly am to others.
    
As women, I think we tend to fall into this trap a little more than men. Probably because our conversations are more in-depth and longer than men. That is to say we blab way more than they do. Plus, sometimes I feel like I have to relate to the person talking to me so I might go into a similar story to show they are not alone. But how often does that come across as total validation to the point that their husband really is a total doofus? Let's get one thing straight. My husband makes mistakes, but one thing he is not is a doofus. He never needs to be portrayed that way to others, nor does anyone else I tend to share about to friends. My intention never was to make him out that way either, but looking back, I wonder if it made others feel that way.
    
I want to be more like my husband in the way he gives advice to his friends. He is kind. He comes across as understanding without sharing stories about how I mess up. All of his advice lines up with the Word of God and is backed by that truth. I will totally be upfront with you right here. A lot of times, my advice lines up with what I have experienced. That's not always a bad thing, but it's not always the best way. God's ways are often not my ways, so making sure my advice lines up with His truth lines up with that first thing my parents warned me about. I will be a friend who does not jeopardize someone's walk with Christ or their knowledge of the truth.
   
One thing I can't stand in my life is drama. In school, you have many dramatic times. (Thank you hormones and boys!) You also have many dramatic friends. There are always secrets to be had and lies to spread. It drove me crazy then and it does today. For some people though, the need for drama is like their need for oxygen. They can't live without it, and if they aren't part of some, they will go out actively looking for it in order to get their fill for the day. Even though I hate it, there are still some moments I get caught up in it. Even men can fall prey to the drama predator. I have seen men get involved in petty schemes just to get ahead. I will be a friend who doesn't add to the overwhelming drama of this world. I will be your drama free zone.
    
The easiest thing in the world to be is a bully. Believe me, I know this one to be very true. Even the nicest person in the world can revert to bully-ish tendencies without a thought. Think about bullies. What are they doing? They are tearing others down to make themselves feel better. It gives them satisfaction. I think most people reading this would not call themselves a bully. But have you ever had that moment where, maybe not even on purpose, you said words that put your friend down, but lifted you up? I will admit, I have done it. Maybe I was having a not-so-good day and they just happened to be there. I honestly believe that we all have a bully inside us, ready to rear its ugly head when given the chance. Some of us just let that bully out more than others. I also think that there are people who let the bully loose and don't even realize what they are doing. For instance, someone very close to me had a very good friend who spent the majority of their time together talking about how great their life was and went on and on about their life. The other person, hardly got to share anything in the conversation. When they did try to share, the "conversation bully" as I like to call them, would turn the conversation back to them and how their story was better. I witnessed this once when they invited me to dinner with them. I was blown away and thought to myself, am I always trying to one-up my friends or do I really listen? Am I putting them down to lift myself up? I didn't like the answer that I came up with. I will be friend who isn't a bully, even unconsciously. I will be a friend who truly listens and builds you up even when my day may be the worst. I will not be a "one-upper."
    
What kind of friend are you? Would people even call you a friend? Do you even get the opportunities to make these kind of promises? When I asked myself these questions, I realized I wasn't even giving myself many opportunities to be a friend, much less be a good one. So here's my manifesto--I will make time to be a friend. In that time I will be a good one. I will be a friend that doesn't ask you to compromise your walk with our Father or I will do my best to lead you to him. I will be your drama and judgment free space where you can come and be yourself. I will not be a one upping bully who puts her needs before yours. I will be a friend your parents would encourage you to choose.
   
Now go check out our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/happinessandhavocblog/. Leave a comment telling us what you look for in a friend? What kind of friends do you warn your kids against? What's your advice on how to be a good friend?

Two words were my downfall (okay...maybe it was more than that)

Let me set the stage. Monday early afternoon (Memorial Day so I was off work), Day 4 of Jen's birthday weekend extravaganza celebration (also known as Jenapalooza). I was doing the dishes, the boys were upstairs cleaning their rooms to get ready for a friend coming over the next day, and Jen was somewhere in the house doing something (I don't know what). Jen comes to me with car keys in hand and says, "I'm going to town." I said, "Going to town? What do you mean 'Going to town'?" "What I said, going to town." "What does that mean? Going to town to do what?" "I don't know I'm just going to go to town and go around and do stuff." "What town, around here?" "I don't know." "Well, do you want us to go with you or do you want to go alone?" "Whatever it doesn't matter." "Okay well I was just going to clean for now and I know the boys need to finish cleaning their rooms." "Okay well I'm going to go so I can get out of the house. I'm not going to spend all day sitting around here." "Well do you want us to come with you or not?" "It doesn't matter, but I am going." "Okay, go ahead and I will have to stay and monitor the boys." "Fine, I'm not going."

There was more to it after that, mostly after Jen sat on the couch me "encouraging" her to get out of the house. I don't think I got the quotes verbatim, but it's pretty close and gives you the idea. Do you see where I messed up? It was one word. Maybe two. "...have to..." I think things would have ended better if I had just omitted those two words. Maybe not, though. Jen says my tone stinks. My mom always said that too. So even when I don't say the wrong thing I usually say it the wrong way. I tell Jen to just think the *best* of me, that no matter my tone my intentions were good and I have her best interest in mind. Besides, I'm monotone! I can't help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Was that an appropriate use of a thousand exclamation points, ladies?)

Let me explain my thought process here from the beginning. Jen does not like to be alone. She doesn't like to go places alone. One might think that since she is around the three boys all day most days that she would want to leave the house by herself occasionally. That's not the case. She does not like to be alone. Sometimes I try to get her just to go drive around or go to Walmart or whatever store on her own. She doesn't like to do that. She likes to be around people (except for when she doesn't).

So when she came to me saying she was leaving to "go to town," I couldn't believe that she actually wanted to leave by herself. I would have been perfectly fine with that, of course. But I kept prying and pushing because I assumed she didn't really want to go alone. So I was trying to figure out what she really wanted in this case, because she was not just coming out and telling me.

Normally I would have just told the boys to get ready because we were gonna head out. But in this case, I knew they needed to finish cleaning their rooms so the friend could come over. So I felt obligated to make sure they did that. So there was part of the struggle, trying to decide which thing was more important at that time, making sure the boys finished with their rooms or making sure my wife's wants or needs were fulfilled.

Another part of my thought process, to be honest, was trying to figure out why in the world she wanted to leave the house. We had been out with friends and had a great time on Friday for dinner and the escape experience. Saturday was lunch with the family at Bar-b-que Shack in Toccoa and then she went shopping for a while in Commerce. Sunday was church and then Moe’s for dinner and some shopping. Here we were on Monday, me thinking we had enjoyed a full weekend and ready to wind down for the week ahead.

The problem was this. Jen had taken the weekend off from work. In case you don't know, she works pretty much every day. If she doesn't have one or more shoots scheduled in a day, she is editing and doing other necessary things for the business. Most days she is doing both. She has sessions almost every Saturday and most Sundays. She works all the time, and she works very hard. But when she takes a weekend off of work, she doesn't want to sit around and relax. She is not an introvert. She wants to be out doing things, seeing people, enjoying life, experiencing things. It's the same thing on vacation. We can relax when we're dead. She wants to be out doing things. And I have really come to appreciate that about her.

So one thing that I finally have learned after this weekend's experience is that if she has scheduled a weekend to not work, by golly I better have that weekend jam packed full of stuff to do. And next time I will try my darndest.

Actually we talked a few minutes after our discussion and after I tried to encourage (really force) her to leave the house. I came to her and explained that I was pushing and pushing because I really was trying to understand what her wishes were at that moment. Did she really want to leave alone? Did she want to get away from the rest of us? Did she want us all to go? I explained how I couldn't believe she actually wanted to go by herself because of how she doesn't like to be alone. Then, I really messed up in the way I said the last sentence. I explained to her that what I really meant was that it was okay that she was going, but I was trying to convey that I could not go because I needed to monitor the boys and make sure they were doing what they needed to be doing.

From her perspective, I kept pushing and pushing, and the last sentence was the last straw. She further explained that she has to be home ALL THE TIME. She wanted that weekend to be a time where she didn't have to sit in the house. She truly just wanted to get out of the house. And now I understand that better.

In the end we decided to load up the car and drive down to Sams Club, which closed at 6 after we arrived at 5:55. Then we went to Goodwill where we found a really nice dresser for $60. We're not sure yet what we're going to do with it, but it was a good deal we thought. And we went to eat at Little Italy. So that was our third day out of four driving to Gainesville or further south. It turned out okay.

As I mentioned, I learned a couple of lessons (again). One or two words, or my tone, can make all the difference in what I mean to say and what Jen hears me say (with her pink ears). I also learned that when Jen has a weekend without work she wants to do stuff outside the house, no matter what the other circumstances. I think I also learned instead of asking a bunch of the same questions different ways it's probably better for me to get straight to the point and say what's going on in my mind so that she can help me understand. One thing I know is that she wants me to speak up more, even if it's going to make her mad. What so cool is I was able to make her mad in this case without even speaking up. Now that takes talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She gets it from her momma

I always think it is amazing when Mother's Day or Father's Day comes around and suddenly, social media is lit up with positive, uplifting posts about parents. It makes me smile to see the old photos, the heartwarming stories, and the love that is just pouring out of folks. Typically, social media is crushed with negativity and scapegoating.

As for me, I kind of fell silent this Mother's Day on social media. I wanted to soak in everything that was being said about parents. I wasn't mad at my mom, mother-in-law, grandma or aunt. I don't love them any less that day just because I enjoyed everyone's posts and waited to write something up of my own. (But you would be surprised how many people notice you didn't write something. Maybe I post too much! HAHA) However, I can't let the time pass without sharing with you about the woman who made me who I am.

I'll be totally straight up with you. I may have been a good kid growing up, but I know for my mom, I wasn't the easiest daughter to raise. Probably from day one, my mom and I were different from each other. I can almost guarantee you, I wasn't the little girl she probably had dreamed about having from the time she discovered she wanted to be a mom. I was rough, tumble, and loud. (I'm pretty much still all those things.) I didn't like dresses, having my hair fixed, or being without my basketball. Now, that's not to say I didn't like girl things. I carried around a Cabbage Patch doll, and I had some barbies and a few My Little Ponies that ran around with Rainbow Brite. Yet, I was drawn to GI Joes, Thundercats, and Voltron. I can only imagine what she thought as she watched my GI Joes riding around on pretty pink and white ponies with pictures on their rears.

As I got older, the difference in our personalities became more pronounced. However, she immersed herself in my world--basketball. She went to games and learned to do the books and the score board. She has eaten thousands of concession stand dinners, chaperoned too many kids in hotel rooms (where she saw a dead cat under a bed--seriously, an awesome story for another time), and washed far too many sweaty pairs of socks and jerseys. Late nights, fast food meals, and long bus rides were her life from the time I was in 6th grade until I graduated from Piedmont.

How she dealt with a kid that was so different from who she was, is beyond me. Sometimes, as a parent, I talk to the boys and the difference in how we each think blows me away. Of course, it's to be expected because of the gender difference. One would think that with us being women, it would be more similar. It wasn't. I am sure she thought I was insane not just because of my interests, but in the way that I thought.

You see, my mom is an awesome woman. She always dresses nice, wears make-up, fixes her hair and is sweet to everyone. I rarely dress like anything other than a hobo. The closest I get to make-up is Chapstick. I haven't had a hair cut in probably two years. And sweet? Let's just say, I cherish the people who think that I am remotely anything like that. My mom has always cared what people think about her and I usually don't think twice about it. For the most part, my mom knows what to say to make people feel better. I have been told I am too critical. She invests in relationships and I struggle to keep them going. I felt like she always had a handle on my sister and I. She was the ultimate chaos coordinator. Me, on the other hand....I am just treading water every day.

I know she would never in a million years believe this, but she really seemed to have it all together. Looking back over those years when she was dealing with me and my craziness as a teenager, I know I frustrated her to no end, but I felt like she dealt with it and then moved on. By the next day she was treating me like normal again. Here I have elementary age children and I feel like I drag the same feelings around for days. How did she do that?

In all honesty, my mom and I aren't as different as I would like to believe. We both love our children with every fiber of our beings. She is the one who taught me how to do that. She and I have sacrificed a lot for our kids. She gave up other career opportunities where she would have had a retirement account and insurance with a more impressive salary, to work at a Christian school with hardly any benefits except a discount on tuition (that was reduced practically each year). I learned everything I know about sacrifice from her and my dad. Her sacrifice was more obvious to me though because I saw it every day. I feel her pain now that I have experienced a similar type of sacrifice. Neither of us are super awesome housekeepers. I think we both live by the motto, "Spending time with our kids > than an organized home." We both love people. I can remember from a very young age watching my mom love on her friends. I always thought she was a great person to have on your side. She still is. While I am not the best at cultivating relationships with others, I do love people. I have always tried to do that through my careers through the years. We both get hangry. Never was a truer sentence written. Let's be honest ladies......there aren't many of us who don't get that way right? The similarities don't end there. We have the same horse hair that is so thick that you will die of heat exhaustion in the summer. We both love mushrooms and traveling. Neither of us like scary movies or change.

Honestly, everything you see about me that is good, came from being taught by her and my dad. She invested every ounce of herself into raising my sister and I. If you think highly of me at all, it is because of the prayers, tears, and emotional struggle that she went through every day. Thank you is not sufficient for her.

The neat thing though? She learned from her mom too. I get the benefit of learning from both of these women. I mean, how blessed is this girl? So many other women invested in my life in a positive way, aunts, great-aunts, great-grandmas, that when Mother's Day comes each year, I am reminded that I am also to be this for my kids, nieces, and nephews. They leave such a legacy and lead by example. Hopefully, one day, I will get to hear my kids say the same thing about me and I will simply tell them, "I get it from my momma!"

Happy Mother's Day from the Chief Chaos Coordinator of the Cox Crew!

This is Us

A typical day for us goes a little something like this.......

Anthony gets up first and reads his Bible and drinks a ridiculous amount of coffee. It's one cup. It's a rather large cup, but it's one cup. My alarm goes off right before he gets into the shower and I drag myself out of the bed. (I would like to add here that I recently have been getting up and doing my personal quiet time while he is in another room doing his. I have been horrible about this as I have become less of a morning person since the homeschool adventure with all the kids started.) We get dressed and right before I wake up the kids, I get a quick "I love you!," a kiss,  and he's out the door headed to work. We see each other (usually) at lunch time. We have an hour to catch up on the day so far and for me to unload to him about how rough my part of the day has been. Once again, he's out the door. He comes home about 5:30pm and he hits the kitchen while I work. We sit and eat. We typically do some kind of needed chore or run around with the kids for a bit and then hit the sack. Wasn't that the perfect day you dreamed about when you thought about getting married?

This is us, day in and day out. Some days we throw in a baseball or basketball game, church, time with extended family, or my not so favorite trip--Wal-mart. But for the most part, this is us.

When you are considering marriage as young adults, it seems so romantic and blissful. We were married straight out of college (literally in between semesters of our graduate program). I remember all the high hopes and great expectations I had walking into the whole situation. They all came crashing into reality the day we were married. I am not lying when I say I basically had a panic attack leaving the church on our way to our honeymoon. Everything hit me like a brick wall as I sat in the car next to this man I had just married, and the tears just came. I had left everything I had ever known behind at the church--everyone having a fantastic time, enjoying life, and eating my cake. Of course, Anthony was totally taken aback as I lost it for about 30 minutes or so. He may have been nervous that day, but he wasn't at all thinking about the past. He seemed totally ready for the future. That was us.

As time went on, I realized just how hard married life really is. I worked incredibly crazy hours at a job that was over 30 minutes away from him. Work was a big deal for both of us and we wanted to be the best we could. It's amazing how much that took a toll on our marriage. I look back now and I am ashamed that I put our relationship on the back burner during that crucial time. The first five years of marriage are insane. I don't think anyone ever really said that to us out loud. I think people hinted at it, but never said it straight out. I am saying it loud and clear. THE FIRST FIVE YEARS ARE CRAZY HARD. If you are reading this and you are in those years, definitely take time to get to know your spouse. Invest in your relationship because so many things come along after those first five years that you will never find the time to do it later. In those first years you learn so much about each other. Not just likes and dislikes, but hopes, dreams, preferences, secrets, etc. Looking back, I feel like I knew more about the lives of my students than I did about Anthony's. It wasn't because I cared for him less, I just gave most of my time and effort to my students. That was us.

To be completely honest, we hit a very tough time in our marriage about year 4. There were moments where I questioned what in the world I was doing! What had I gotten myself into? If you think about it, most people don't even date very long, so when you get a few years in, it's really like, "Uh-oh! I am really deep into this thing and there is no going back!" But you learn that love is a choice. I also realized that if I wanted to keep my marriage on the right track, I had to fight like crazy for it. There are constant attacks to try and destroy what you have built.

Later, kids come into the picture. It's a totally new ball game. That's when you realize you should have been investing more time in your marriage back in the day, before they came along! (There are days that I can't figure out what we did before we had kids! We must have been extremely lazy.) Time together alone lessens with each new addition. You wonder when you will ever sleep together again, much less get to "cuddle." Communicating with each other often consists of words that you would never have said to each other before. For instance, our conversations now include words like "pooped on my back" and "trucks in my hair." Romantic dinners consist of four men at the dining room table dressed in suits with big smiles. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing family life, but our couple time is limited. This is us.

Tomorrow (May 10th) will mark our 14th anniversary. Saying that out loud blows my mind. We have been on this journey for 14 years (well longer if you count how long we dated). Have I loved him every single day? No. Has he lived up to every single expectation? No. Has he ever made me so mad I wanted to pack up and go home? Yes. Have I ever wanted to give up? Yes. I think anyone who answers those questions differently at any stage of marriage is lying. We are human and love is a choice. We don't always make the right choices. I wish I could answer those questions differently, but I am human, and heaven help me, I am a woman.

As we celebrate 14 years, I wanted to share a few things that Anthony does to make us who we are. He is a godly man who makes mistakes and owns up to them. He tells me what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it (or I think he's wrong). He supports me even when I feel like a complete failure. He loves his children and he leads by example. He works hard at his job even when the reward may not be what he deserves. He loves people and has a heart the size of Texas. All of these things and more are what he does to make us the couple that you see in front of you every day. Yeah we may be frazzled, late, and have one child that is only wearing one shoe, or might be pulling his pants down in public, but we are together, happy, and working hard to be what God wants us to be. This is us, and I couldn't be more grateful.

I guess they do grow up, don't they.

If you have read much of what we write or if you have watched our Facebook Live sessions, you know that we think parenting is a really hard thing to do. I remember sometime after TJ was born all of a sudden at one point having the weight of the responsibility hit me. Our parenting has eternal consequences. We are responsible for the soul of another human being. That is a tremendous amount of pressure! And now we have three of them.

TJ turned 10 years old recently. With him reaching the teenage years, it has caused me to think a lot about my role in his life and how we teach him to grow to be a man. I don't feel successful as a father in a lot of ways, like I should be spending more one-on-one time with him and really teaching him how to do life the right way. To be honest, Jen teaches him a lot. She's home with him every day and has been for a few years. She takes the time to play sports with him and those types of things. I think it is good that he is learning from her in some ways, but I know there is pressure on me to be influential in certain areas. I also know that she wants to me to "step up" more in meeting this need.

Update Fall 2018: TJ made the Middle School Tennis Team!

TJ played soccer for a few seasons when he was 4-6 I think. Jen and I both hate soccer, and we were so relieved when he decided not to play anymore. But we have always been careful not to pressure him to do too many things he wasn't really interested in. He said he was interested in engineering, or maybe we just assumed that, so he took a bunch of engineering classes. He had not played any more sports until recently. Reilly played basketball in the fall, and TJ started talking about it a little, but 10 years old is a little late by today's standards to start playing a sport.

One day we were at Academy Sports in Gainesville and found a great deal on some basketball shoes his size. He kind of decided then he might give basketball a try. He had never been interested in it at all before. I told him if we bought the shoes that meant he was playing, and he said okay. Fast forward to the "player evaluations" that took place a couple of months ago. He went in and came out after a few minutes and I met him away from other people at which time he said, "Well, I stunk." (Actually, he said, "Well, I sucked" but we don't like that word in our house and so I didn't want to write it.)

It broke my heart, but it was a big deal that he was even trying and I was already so proud. It was way out of his comfort zone. He doesn't like to look silly, and I'm pretty sure he felt silly out there. His team practiced a few times, and he was lost and felt out of place. To be honest he couldn't even really catch a ball, let alone dribble to the basket and shoot a layup. It was so hard for me to watch, and I wanted to go help him, but I had to let him grow on his own in that setting. 

After several practices, they had their first game. He was still lost, but he was getting better little by little. Then it seemed like a switch flipped inside him. All of a sudden, we didn't have to force him to go outside and practice. He wanted to do it on his own, and he did, and it helped that Jen was able to work with him. Since then he has had a few more games, and he, by some miracle, has developed somewhat of a passion for it. 

Most of you know that I love basketball, and Jen loves it too. We both experienced the personal growth and gained so much value from playing the sport all the way through college and then coaching after that. So we would love for all our kids to be passionate about basketball, but we are okay if it's not basketball. We just want them to be passionate about SOMETHING. TJ has always been passionate about reading, and history, and video games. But never in a million years did we think he would develop any kind of desire to be good at, and win in, basketball. That day has come. Even if it is short-lived, we are so proud that he is trying and practicing to be better. He has a long way to go, but in the game tonight he got a couple steals, forced a couple turnovers, got a couple rebounds, dribbled (!), attempted several shots, and got more involved. So I need to spend more time helping him develop and improve.

The other night TJ and Reilly and Jen were playing 21 and I was about to head out to play some hoops myself. TJ was making it very difficult for Reilly to do anything, and at one point I grabbed TJ's arm and yanked him away to let Reilly have a chance to shoot. TJ immediately started crying and ran to his mom and sobbed. We were just messing around, but later I asked him why he was so upset. He explained that his 35-year-old dad grabbed his arm and pulled him away when he was about to get the ball and go make an easy shot when he only had one point and his mom had a lot more. It was partly that he wanted to beat his mom, and it was partly that I treated him like a little kid that made him so upset. I realized at that moment that all of a sudden, he really needs me to respect him in a more "grown-up" way. He needs me to treat him not so much like a little rag doll that I can throw around. He needs to know that I now see him as more than just a little kid. The next night he came inside bawling because he was so close to beating his mom in 21. I explained to him that it would never happen, so to not get so upset about it. :)

At the Christmas program at church, there were some fairly long stretches where most of the kids sat on stage and watched the program play out. TJ was acting like a crazy person. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating to say he looked like a lunatic. He was hitting Reilly in the back of the head. He was seemingly making fun of other kids who were telling him to be quiet. It was insane. It was so unlike him. I was so frustrated and getting so upset that almost wanted to walk on stage and grab him by the arm to drag him off. Really I was torn between doing that or walking out of the sanctuary. I kept my composure. Maybe no one else noticed, but I was boiling. After the program was over, we realized he was acting like an idiot because he was trying to impress a girl he was sitting next to on stage.

So at this point in his life, we have a young man who is experiencing these emotions and feelings and thoughts that I know are really difficult for him to process and understand. I need to be there to put my arm around his shoulder and explain that life is going to be hard to figure out sometimes. He needs to know that girls in school or at church can cause boys to do some pretty stupid things. (I'm pretty sure at the beach one time when I was in middle school I tried to do a backflip in about a foot of water trying to impress some girls. I did about half of a backflip and landed on my head. My neck still hurts. I'm not sure if the girls were impressed.) He also needs to learn that girls don't always have his best interest in mind, whether he is talking to them in person or they go to his school or they are on the screen of his phone or tablet or computer. He needs to learn that from me.

He also needs to learn that women are to be respected, and that starts at home with his mom. I need to model that for him. Sometimes I do a good job, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes in cases that he has a disrespectful tone with her, I don't punish him when I should. He also needs to learn that is good to love your wife, and it's good to hug and kiss her and show affection in the home. I think I do a pretty good job with that one.

At times I tend to be passive in my teaching (Jen is rolling her eyes right now because she thinks I'm too passive with everything). But what I mean is I like to try to model the right behavior in front of the boys instead of teaching it. Someone once said, "More is caught than taught." That has to be true in some cases. Even when I played basketball I led more by example than I did ordering people around. That's not my style. I try to demonstrate that reading my Bible is something that is important to us and that God is to be honored in our household. However, I should probably be more proactive in having devotional time with the boys and more intentional about spending time with them doing specific things. That's an area I need to improve. 

Raising kids is hard. I don't want to be the reason that my boys grow up to be less than the men they should be. It's time to step up to the plate and take ownership of what is mostly my role in the household.