Thennnnn....I got older. I realize now that the friends I keep not only say a lot about me, but encourage me to stay on the right path. Anthony and I were falling madly in love again on a date at the BBQ Shack awhile back, (Well, let's be honest, I was falling in love with my very tasty chicken and stew) and started talking about personal friends of ours that had come to us for advice, to vent, or to help find a solution to a problem. We also talked about looking to our friends for advice for ourselves or to help us think through an issue.
It was at that moment that it really hit home for me--my parents were totally right. I mean, I saw it when I was a kid, but I think the irritation I had about it blinded me to the real truth of it all. What kid wants their parents to give them advice about friends, right?
People, let's be honest. If a friend of ours comes to us complaining about their husband or wife, we often commiserate right? "Oh yeah! My husband is a total butt too! I mean just the other day he......."
Even worse, we might start talking about how awful the person they are talking about is--and in that moment, we become the kind of friend my parents warned me about so many years ago.
Of course, at this point you are probably wondering what kind of hoodlums my parents were warning me against. First, they warned me against people who would tempt me to jeopardize my stance as a Christian. That was always first and foremost. Anyone who would lead me away from Christ was not someone I wanted to hang with regularly. They also warned about the dramatic friends. Ladies, you know these folks. They are the ones that encourage the gossip and the back stabbing. The ones who still get that high off the middle school drama and live each new day for something--more like someone--to destroy. The third type were the "Beat-you-down-so-I-feel-better" friends. Men and women are both culprits in this. "My job is just so awesome and you know you wish you could be me." "My kids are just angels in the grocery store! I don't think I have ever had to peel even one of them from the toy or candy aisle. They would NEVER behave so savagely." There were many others, but these were some of the most prevalent at the stage of life I was in at the time.
As Anthony and I discussed some good advice he had given his friend, I thought to myself, "What would have happened had he encouraged him in a more negative direction?" How many times has a friend of mine come to me and vented about their husband, kids, and/or friends and I have just jumped right in and either bashed them or someone close to me? This made me reevaluate what kind of friend I truly am to others.
As women, I think we tend to fall into this trap a little more than men. Probably because our conversations are more in-depth and longer than men. That is to say we blab way more than they do. Plus, sometimes I feel like I have to relate to the person talking to me so I might go into a similar story to show they are not alone. But how often does that come across as total validation to the point that their husband really is a total doofus? Let's get one thing straight. My husband makes mistakes, but one thing he is not is a doofus. He never needs to be portrayed that way to others, nor does anyone else I tend to share about to friends. My intention never was to make him out that way either, but looking back, I wonder if it made others feel that way.
I want to be more like my husband in the way he gives advice to his friends. He is kind. He comes across as understanding without sharing stories about how I mess up. All of his advice lines up with the Word of God and is backed by that truth. I will totally be upfront with you right here. A lot of times, my advice lines up with what I have experienced. That's not always a bad thing, but it's not always the best way. God's ways are often not my ways, so making sure my advice lines up with His truth lines up with that first thing my parents warned me about. I will be a friend who does not jeopardize someone's walk with Christ or their knowledge of the truth.
One thing I can't stand in my life is drama. In school, you have many dramatic times. (Thank you hormones and boys!) You also have many dramatic friends. There are always secrets to be had and lies to spread. It drove me crazy then and it does today. For some people though, the need for drama is like their need for oxygen. They can't live without it, and if they aren't part of some, they will go out actively looking for it in order to get their fill for the day. Even though I hate it, there are still some moments I get caught up in it. Even men can fall prey to the drama predator. I have seen men get involved in petty schemes just to get ahead. I will be a friend who doesn't add to the overwhelming drama of this world. I will be your drama free zone.
The easiest thing in the world to be is a bully. Believe me, I know this one to be very true. Even the nicest person in the world can revert to bully-ish tendencies without a thought. Think about bullies. What are they doing? They are tearing others down to make themselves feel better. It gives them satisfaction. I think most people reading this would not call themselves a bully. But have you ever had that moment where, maybe not even on purpose, you said words that put your friend down, but lifted you up? I will admit, I have done it. Maybe I was having a not-so-good day and they just happened to be there. I honestly believe that we all have a bully inside us, ready to rear its ugly head when given the chance. Some of us just let that bully out more than others. I also think that there are people who let the bully loose and don't even realize what they are doing. For instance, someone very close to me had a very good friend who spent the majority of their time together talking about how great their life was and went on and on about their life. The other person, hardly got to share anything in the conversation. When they did try to share, the "conversation bully" as I like to call them, would turn the conversation back to them and how their story was better. I witnessed this once when they invited me to dinner with them. I was blown away and thought to myself, am I always trying to one-up my friends or do I really listen? Am I putting them down to lift myself up? I didn't like the answer that I came up with. I will be friend who isn't a bully, even unconsciously. I will be a friend who truly listens and builds you up even when my day may be the worst. I will not be a "one-upper."
What kind of friend are you? Would people even call you a friend? Do you even get the opportunities to make these kind of promises? When I asked myself these questions, I realized I wasn't even giving myself many opportunities to be a friend, much less be a good one. So here's my manifesto--I will make time to be a friend. In that time I will be a good one. I will be a friend that doesn't ask you to compromise your walk with our Father or I will do my best to lead you to him. I will be your drama and judgment free space where you can come and be yourself. I will not be a one upping bully who puts her needs before yours. I will be a friend your parents would encourage you to choose.
Now go check out our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/happinessandhavocblog/. Leave a comment telling us what you look for in a friend? What kind of friends do you warn your kids against? What's your advice on how to be a good friend?
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