Holiday Survival Mode

It's the 12th day of Christmas, and do you know what my true love has brought me? Twelve irritations. Yeah, you heard me right. Due to the "Winter Weather," we haven't had a silent night in at least four days. My own personal little drummer boy has already pounded my ear drums with crying and whining over every single piece of clothing I put on him this morning. And OH BABY is it cold outside when I am working!

I'm guessing you have caught my theme above. It is Christmas, but sometimes it feels like anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Currently, I am in what I like to call Holiday Survival Mode. To be quite honest, it usually starts around the middle of September for me. My work schedule triples in size and I don't see a whole lot of my family from that point until the end of December. Our kids start basketball and we are gone almost every night of the week for a practice or a game. As the end of the year approaches are schedule gets even more crazy as we add in Christmas play practices, Christmas parties, tournaments, outings with friends....the list goes on and on. It's just like my car. Around September 29th, my own personal "Check Engine" light starts flashing. Then in October, it stops flashing and is on permanently until after January 1st. Hence, I am in the midst of Holiday Survival Mode.

What is this mode I speak of? It's almost like functioning on automatic.....cruise control if you will. In a way, you almost go numb. You bake the cookies (or break them off and throw them on a pan), you drive to the athletic contests, you buy the gifts, you eat the food (in my case a lot), you wrap the presents, you attend the play (or sometimes ten), you move the Elf (in our house it's a Grinch) and before you know it, it's all over, and you are left sitting there wondering if it all happened or if it was all one merry little dream. You don't feel joy, peace, or comfort because you have literally missed it all just trying to keep your head above water--survival mode.

Why do we do this you ask? We want to be that mom. You know the one I am talking about. The one whose family has a memorable Christmas every year. The one who could write Pinterest boards on how to strategically get your Elf to look like he's hang gliding from the Christmas tree to the stocking. The one who has the picture-perfect Christmas card of the kids all smiling and lovingly holding each other's hands. The one who posts picture after picture of her kids enjoying holiday light shows, Santa visits, and snow tubing adventures. For me, it wasn't even that.

I have always loved Christmas. From the moment I realized what it was, I have loved everything about it--the music, the colors, the smells, the activities. I just couldn't wait for Christmas to come around every year. My mom was amazing at making Christmas memorable. We had this marvelous advent calendar where we moved a mouse every day, and she would put a little note in the pocket with something we were going to do or make or see that day. I remember making ornaments and goodies and just having so much fun. I don't remember a day where she stressed over it all.

Welcome to parenthood Jennifer. I tried to do the same thing. I bought a similar advent calendar. It takes everything in my poor brain to think of a note to write the kids each day. Some days I just say forget it and beg Anthony to help. We didn't get an Elf, but our Grinch sometimes doesn't leave his hiding place. Luckily, he's a lazy small-hearted guy anyway, right? At this point, I could probably set up the Cornelia Christmas in the Park lights on my own we have been through so many times. I just don't have the "momliness" that my mom had.....and I don't know why. And each Christmas season that passes, I feel like I get worse and worse.

We don't have to live in survival mode. We don't have to feel numb. We don't have to compare ourselves to the super Christmas moms out there who's trees aren't covered in super heroes and yet, their kids still love them. I don't have to live up to the awesome Christmas mom I had. I just have to make sure my kids know what this season is really all about and love on them like another one won't come around next year. I have to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be present instead of trying to figure out all the presents. I have to teach them it's about others and not all about them.

It's not easy to let go of survival mode, and just thrive. To be honest, for me, it's easier to not feel and put it on cruise control than to stop, take stock of what's happening. I do it every year and I know each year that I am losing a little more of my love for the season. I am currently trying to get out of survival mode and it is stinking hard. But I know it's worth it because I wasn't meant to just survive.

If you look at the Scriptures they tell us that we were meant to have life--and abundantly at that. And what better time to really live than during the Christmas season? The time that reminds us of why we are able to do so?  John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I shouldn't be numb! I should be taking heart and living life--even when it's tough, and frustrating, and I want to strangle people with candy canes and Christmas lights.

So here's to getting out of survival mode and letting the Christmas cards fall how they may (crud....I should probably put those in the mail tomorrow). From our havoc-filled house to yours--MERRY CHRISTMAS!

You know what's better than voting?

The other night, election eve actually, I made a post on Facebook about voting. In fact, I said I don't care if you vote or not. I got so tired of all the social media posts and online advertisements and mailers and commercials and phone calls and text messages and etc. etc. I think most people got tired of it. More specifically, I got tired of everyone, everywhere telling me to go vote. You can't tell me what to do. In many cases if there is a big consensus on something to do or some new thing, I go the other way. So telling me what to do and why I need to do it isn't going to influence me much. Look, you're an adult. If you want to go vote, do it. If you don't think it's that important, then don't. You probably aren't very informed anyway. So vote. Or don't. I care not. Apparently other people do, though, so my Facebook post seemed to rub a few the wrong way.

Hey, don't get me wrong. I think it's very important to vote. I always vote. I think you should vote too, probably, but honestly I don't care if you do or not. I might want you to NOT vote if I don't agree with you on politics.

Having said all that, instead of getting all worked up about how good your preferred politician is or how bad their political party is, I have another idea.

Raise your kids well.

That's right. Raise your kids well. Okay, so I've now probably lost those who don't have any children. If you do have children, or grandchildren, stick with me. What do you think is going to have a larger impact on the future of our country, our world: getting worked up about politics or raising your kids well? I know which one I'm choosing.

Let me be provide a few examples of what I'm referring to when I say raise your kids well.

Make your kids do what they are told. I know this is a hard one. We have a four-year-old. Sometimes we tell him to do something, and, especially when he's tired or irritated or hungry, he says, "I'm not gonna do it." What do you think happens next? Do you think we beg and plead with him and ask him please? Not quite. He's going to do that thing one way or the other, and he's probably going to face consequences for the way he responded. We can never be 100% on this. There will always be struggles. But be consistent.

I just recently read a book by Dr. Meg Meeker called Hero: Being the Strong Father Your Children Need. Great book. I highly recommend it. One thing she talks about is this notion that being restrictive in terms of what you allow your children to do will somehow damage them. Look, children need boundaries. They crave structure. They are dying for you to show that you care enough about them to protect them and to put in place rules that are ultimately for their good. They won't see it all the time, of course. But they also find comfort in knowing that they can freely explore within the boundaries that you have set. How wonderful for children to know that they can create and enjoy life within guidelines, and that they are safe there. Kids that feel loved and safe will flourish.

Don't try to be your children's friend. Your kids have enough friends. You are not their friend. You are their father, or their mother. Your children need you to discipline them when they do the wrong thing. Make sure the expectations are clear and that they understand. To be unclear is to be unkind (Dave Ramsey). When they violate the rules, they need to be punished. As they grow up, you will see the fruits of this sometimes uncomfortable action. Yes, they need to know that you are there for them. Of course you need to try to have a relationship where your kids feel like they can come tell you anything and talk through things. But don't mistake that for being worried that they will not like you if they do something they know they shouldn't and you discipline them. Your kids will feel loved and know that you care if you discipline them.

Make sure they know how to work. I will be the first to admit that my kids get way too much stuff without working for it. That's my opinion anyway. What can I say. They have grandparents and extended family who love to spoil them. We probably give them too many things too. I don't know. As parents we do try to make them work for things, and also work just to work. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to do work in life for rewards that aren't all that special. They help with the laundry. They help with the dishes. They help straighten up the living room. Their bedrooms are a disaster, but TJ has actually done really well with his in the last year or so. These things need to be done in a household to make it work. That is how life is sometimes.

If they play a sport, they have to work at it. They have to work to get better. There is satisfaction in a job well done. There are also rewards. They need to learn these things starting at a young age and gain a deeper understanding and appreciation as they grow and develop.

Those three things are pretty simple, right? I want you to think about this. What if all parents did these three things? How would that transform our country? What if we had a bunch of young adults who understood that when given instructions they should be completed? If not, there will be consequences. What if we had young adults who understood that it was okay to explore and enjoy and create within the boundaries or a civilized society? What if we had young adults who knew that there will be times when they get disciplined, and that is for their benefit? In a job, or in life, they know that if they get out of line they will be brought back to a place of productivity. What if we had young adults who had all been working their entire lives, starting at home with dishes and laundry and mowing the lawn and moving on to summer jobs at McDonald's or a dry cleaner shop or wherever? What if all these young adults knew that nothing would be handed to them without effort, and work, that they need to work to earn and achieve and that there is immense satisfaction and blessing in that?

Picture that. Communities and our country and world filled with young adults who know how to achieve and contribute and thrive through discipline and effort while respecting those in charge and others. Now that would be an amazing environment in which to have political conversations and debates. Then you wouldn't have to create a fancy Instagram post to tell these young people that they need to go vote. They would already understand the importance of it.

So vote. Don't vote. I don't care if you do or don't. But raise your kids well. I promise the return on that investment of time and emotional energy will be much greater.

One Needy Momma

I don't know if you are like me, but I am one busy momma. While trying to raise three boys, I am also trying to be a good wife, teacher, businesswoman, friend, daughter, granddaughter, church member......the list goes on and on. I daily catch myself failing at one of these roles in my life. I try and try, but my trying never gets me very far.

This morning I was feeling like I was failing at being a good Christian. You guys know me. I am going to be honest to a fault. And here is my truth bomb for the day. I am TERRIBLE at daily Bible time. No matter what I do to try and make myself more successful--the set-up, the studies, the timing--I find myself always falling apart about 7-14 days in. All of a sudden I wake up to realize it's been three days since I have settled down to a study. This was one of those mornings.

But He is always on time and on target. I recently started using an app called "She Reads Truth." It's pretty interesting so far (the 5 days I have kept up with it). The first study I chose was called Hymns. I LOVE old hymns. They bring me back to my salvation days and often will speak to my heart in ways no new contemporary songs can. I enjoyed each of the studies, but today's spoke to me in a way that was on a personal, humbling level.

So there is this hymn called I Need Thee Every Hour. I have heard it a million times growing up in church. Honestly, never thought much through the lyrics or what it was about. But this study changed all of that in a couple of paragraphs. The author of the study, Amanda Williams, went through the study talking about her struggles while raising her toddler daughter. She talked about feeling like a failure. Of course, this hit a soft spot in me because.....wait, you read the first paragraph right? Anyway, she talked about how this song really hit home for her. She was a needy momma. She needed help in every aspect. The song goes like this--

1. 1. I need thee ev’ry hour,
   Most gracious Lord.
   No tender voice like thine
   Can peace afford.
2. I need thee, oh, I need thee;
   Ev’ry hour I need thee!
   Oh, bless me now, my Savior;
   I come to thee!
3. 2. I need thee ev’ry hour;
   Stay thou nearby.
   Temptations lose their pow’r
   When thou art nigh.
4. Chorus
5. 3. I need thee ev’ry hour,
   In joy or pain.
   Come quickly and abide,
   Or life is vain.
6. Chorus
7. 4. I need thee ev’ry hour,
   Most holy One.
   Oh, make me thine indeed,
   Thou blessed Son!
8. Chorus
9. Text: Annie S. Hawks, 1835–1918
   Music: Robert Lowry, 1826–1899

For those of you who don't know (heavens knows I had no clue), Annie Hawks was just a mom, writing poetry, keeping up with her three kids in the 1800's. I stopped for a second and was like, hmmmmmmm.......an artist mom, raising three kids. I automatically felt a kinship with this woman I had never met or even heard of. Some days I feel like an artist and I am definitely raising three kids. Okay, so how much further did these similarities go? I popped out the good ole Google search and dug deeper. Checking into the always accurate and helpful Wikipedia, it told me about this woman was born on May 28th, 1836. HOLD UP. That is my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY YA'LL! We were born on the exact same day. I was like, "Okay God, what are you trying to tell me in all of this?" Here we go...an artist mom of three kids, married, born on the same day. Then I started to think about the time in which she was born. Think about it guys, she is living during the Civil War time period. Probably raising her kids during this turbulent craziness. I feel like I am raising my kids in a crazy and turbulent time as well.

WE LOOK PRETTY SIMILAR RIGHT? 

Then I reread the hymn she wrote with fresh eyes. How many times have I been in the middle of a havoc-filled day and thought, "Lord, I am going to need you every second of these next few hours!!" It's a mom's thoughts....let's be honest. That crying infant, the whining toddler, the silent tweenager, the absent teenager, the frustrated hubby......it's all pushed us to the needy point. This song made me realize I am a needy mom. I NEED Him every hour, every second, every breath. And I am okay with being needy. Because let me tell you, I can't do this on my own. "In joy or pain, come quickly and abide" should be my hearts cry as a mother. Think about the ups and downs just in a few hours! The cuddles, then the screams! A mother can go from joy to pain in 0.3 seconds! 

In my research on this wonderful poet, I realized she had one thing on me. She wrote this song that I feel like I would have written in a time of frustration, in a time of joy in her life. She says, "One day as a young wife and mother of 37 years of age (WHOA---I am 38! Just another comparison....), I was busy with my regular household tasks (ummmmm that is me right now....work, work, work, work, work--I know you just sang that popular song in your head too). Suddenly, I became so filled with the sense of nearness to the Master that, wondering how one could live without Him, either in joy or pain, these words, 'I need thee every hour,' were ushered into my mind, the thought at once taking full possession of me." (Quoted from cyberhymnal.org) Lord, I NEED that to hit me. I want to get that sense of nearness....even when I am struggling over one of our 9 million loads of laundry!

She goes on to say, "For myself, the hymn was prophetic rather than expressive of my own experiences, for it was wafted out to the world on the wings of love and joy, instead of under the stress of personal sorrow." (Quoted from Wikipedia) She was HAPPY and JOYFUL when these thoughts hit her. Folks, I sadly admit that it's only when I feel needy that these thoughts hit me. When I am joyful, I am not as thankful and as aware of my need. Ouch.....okay, so the comparisons stopped coming right there. When she talks about it being prophetic, she meant the words of the hymn she wrote would hit her later on. She eventually lost her husband and had to live life without him. She points out later on that her words would then soothe her in dealing with the loss of him. 

Listen to me people. I am needy. I need Him every hour.....in joy and in suffering, in gain and in loss. I need to feel His presence when I am sweeping the floors, editing some family photos, or wiping a butt. I need to know that He's going to get me through a day where I have to begrudgingly go to the doctor for myself, celebrate with family, and finish all the editing on my plate. I am needy......and that's okay. 

If they're comfortable, they won't learn

It is certainly not our goal as parents to embarrass our kids for no reason, although it's not out of the ordinary for that to happen. However, there are times when making your child feel uncomfortable or putting them in a difficult situation can be helpful for their development. Jen and I don't really care if our kids are embarrassed because of us if it is for a good cause.

Even in this, he wasn't necessarily appreciating my instruction!

Today there were a couple of opportunities for us to help TJ grow in different areas, and we took full advantage. Last week we got an email about a big assignment the sixth graders at TFS were working on. It was a project that had elements of both English and world geography, so it was quite involved. Based on the conversations I had heard between TJ and his friend, I could tell that it was a big deal to them to do well.

Earlier this week, TJ's world geography teacher sent out an email inviting parents to come watch their kids present. I'm pretty sure some parents participated by preparing or bringing some food relative to the country their kid was discussing. We didn't do any of that. But what we did do, yeah, you guessed it, is show up for TJ's presentation. There weren't any other parents there, at least in the period TJ was in. Perhaps some others showed up in other periods. But he needs to get used to the fact that we are going to be there in the classroom pretty much any time we are invited!

Our boy was pretty nervous, Jen and I both observed. As soon as we walked into the classroom, Jen went over near TJ to introduce herself to his friends. And she gave him a kiss on the head. Just what a sixth-grade boy needs! Some of his friends were giving him a hard time about his little brother being there also, I think. The teacher asked for a volunteer to go first. TJ quickly said he would go first! That a boy, TJ! He did a great job explaining the characteristics of the country of Panama. We had practiced with him last night, following up on the practice he had done at school. Not only was he the first to present in his class at all as it was the first day of presentations this week, but he was also the only boy to present in class today.

Jen and I texted afterward when she got home. I told her I thought it was tougher for him with us being there. She hit the nail on the head in her response.

I think it's good for him to be uncomfortable in those situations because it's going to make him better. And that was a very tough situation for him to be in. He did a great job for what was thrown at him.

At the end of the day, TJ and his friend came to my office. After basketball practice (it was tennis earlier in the year), the routine is that they come into my office at about 4:45 and wait until I get off at 5 to head home. Occasionally one of my colleagues comes by to say hello to them and chat. Oftentimes, TJ and his buddy aren't very interested in having a friendly conversation. More likely they are playing some game on their Chromebook (every TFS students gets one to use all year and take home).

Today it happened that one of my colleagues came by to say hello and asked them a question. TJ did respond, I think, but barely acknowledged the adult standing in the doorway addressing them in conversation. When we left for the day, I told them both that when they are in my office and an adult comes to speak to them, they need to stop what they are doing and pay direct attention to the person engaging them. It can come across as rude, I continued, when you don't look up from whatever you are doing or barely utter a reply.

It probably embarrassed TJ a bit that I taught and corrected him in front of his friend, and that I corrected his friend as well. That's neither here nor there. He needs to learn the right way to do things, and we will never stop teaching him, no matter the situation.

The bottom line is, your kids and mine will never grow, they will never develop if they are not put in situations that are slightly distressing occasionally. They need to be continually pushed just outside the limits of their normal comfort zones and be forced to deal with and overcome and learn from those situations.

Stand strong parents! You can do it. It can be very difficult to watch your kids agonize and squirm in a place they are not familiar with. But do not lose sight that in the end, you will know that you have helped them develop in such a way to be a successful and responsible adult who contributes to the good in society. The Good Lord knows that we need more of those kinds of people, especially in this day and age.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
-Proverbs 22:6

Stop the Momshaming

It happens almost everywhere I go. I can see it in their eyes and in the wrinkles in their foreheads. Most recently, it was in a public restroom. We homeschool our middle child so he's with me a lot. (Yeah, I know....poor kid.) I walk him into the ladies restroom and directly into a stall. He closes the door to pee, while I race to the stall closest to him and speed pee (I could be an Olympic speed pee champion). I beat him because all of my boys do everything at their own pace. I bust out of the stall, all out of breath and head over to the sink. Reilly opens the stall and joins me at the sink. I am chatting away at just how gross his hands are when I look up to see an older woman basically staring at us in the mirror. She's standing at the sink, clearly not washing her hands and giving me the look. You know the one. We have all seen it before. I call it the momshaming frown. It's a mix of disgust and irritation, with a good helping of judgment on the side. At first, I thought it was because his hands were so gross (Reilly's hands are always dirty because #1--he's a boy and because #2--he's a boy.). But when I studied her a little closer, I realized she wasn't looking at his hands or really listening to what we were discussing. She was not happy that I had brought an 8 year old boy into the bathroom. It hit me that she thought he was too old to be in the women's bathroom with me. I have experienced this before, but it was more when I had ALL the boys with me in the restroom. It took everything I had not to say something, and I just dried our hands and left.

Dirty hands doth not maketh thou a bad mom.

What is momshaming you ask? According to the Momionary, it is a verb that comes from the guilt language meaning to belittle, or to make someone feel stupid or incapable, in their God-given abilities as a mother. It's right in there next to #momsquad. Yep. Look it up.

Momshaming is an epidemic right now--especially on social media where moms can sit behind a keyboard and basically tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and why you should change. It's a pretty safe way to tear down another mom since they can't reach through their screen and throat punch you. (If I wasn't such a lady, I would have done that to the woman in the bathroom.) Just pull up Facebook these days and you will see article after article that explains why every decision you have ever made about your child, from conception to current day, is wrong. You see moms belittling each other over stuff as silly as bedtimes, feeding schedules, and butt wiping. Yes, I said butt wiping! (Did you know there was a wrong way to wipe a kid's butt? Yeah, me neither.) But if you put it out there, someone will tell you there is a better way to do it, and usually not in the nicest of terms.

There are a few types of momshamers I would like to identify to help you better understand what I'm talking about. Let's start out with an oldie, but a goodie. #1--Mywayorthehighway Shamer. "That's not how we did it in my day!" "You are totally doing it wrong; do it like this." "This is what works." These phrases are commonly heard from their lips. Sometimes, it's not even words but just looks. You can see it in their eyes that they think every little thing you are doing is stupid and needs to be done better. After the momshaming frown, they then tell you how they did it and why it's the best way. These momshamers often come in a variety of ages, but are often older than you. Don't get me wrong. I am all for sage advice, but don't look down on me for my youth (okay, okay--for my middle age). Raising kids today is not the same as it was even ten years ago. So please, take your shaming elsewhere.

#2--Tryingnottobutgoingtoshameyouanyway Shamer. "Yes, you could do it that way, but.......(Insert my way is better)." "Ohhh......that looks interesting, but do you really think you should do it like that?"  This is the momshamer who doesn't really start out wanting to shame, and they really aren't intending to go into the conversation with that goal, but end up doing it anyway. A lot of times, these people are our friends, co-workers, mom group pals, or churchgoers. These are the folks that are going to say, "Bless your heart!" and you just know it's because they think you are totally messing it all up.

#3--Kamikaze Shamer. This is the one that hits you out of the blue with the shaming. These people will often post things on social media and you just know it's completely directed at what you fed your kids last night. (How did she even know? Is your iPhone sending her audio of what's going on?) Or the person who will bring you a pack of new socks after she catches you out with your barefoot baby in the summer. It's the thought that counts right?

These are just a few examples (need more, hit me up on our Facebook page at Happiness and Havoc), but I could go on and on. People we believe to be our friends will breathe fire in our faces as they explain to us what is wrong with us for not vaccinating our babies or for breastfeeding for only 3 weeks. People we don't even know point out that our kids are too loud at restaurants or give us the momshaming frown when our kids don't respond to their witty comment about their cuteness. Either they are too loud or too shy. They are going to give everyone smallpox, or they are going to shrivel up with side effects. They are too dirty, or they aren't outside as much to get dirty enough. We aren't watching them closely as we should, but be careful of helicopter parenting. Our kids need a cell phone in order to contact us if they get in a precarious situation, but they really shouldn't have one at all. It makes me want to scream.

It's completely within your rights to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean I want it or even care. I am getting up every day, doing my best to keep three boys from killing each other, while making sure they eat, bathe, learn about Jesus, get an education, be kind to others, have manners, respect their elders, love Duke basketball.......I mean, in all honesty, I don't have time for the shaming in all of that. And guess what? I have an opinion about things too. I think taking my 8 year old into the women's restroom keeps me from worrying that he's being molested or picked up by a sex trafficker in the men's room while I take my time peeing in my own bathroom. I think breastfeeding is awesome. I wish everyone could do it. My kids use tablets and computers (Reilly is currently learning to type like a champ). They may not have the newest and most awesome video games, but they do have some. I don't mind that their fingernails are dirty because that means they were outside digging like a boy should do. I am not big on pacifiers after the age of one. But you know what? I am not going to shame or judge a mom because her child is on formula. I am not going to sigh and give the frown to a mom who is walking around with their 4 year old with a pacifier. It's their kid. That's what they have chosen to do. I'm not raising their kid. I'm raising mine.

All that being said, it's time we start a trend. And while I love the #momsquad trend we talked about on Facebook the other day (You might be in #momsquad if things like dinosaurs and socks fall out of your car when you let your kid out at morning drop off at school.), I really believe we need something even better. Moms Against Momshamers. Okay, so MAM isn't the best name, but it could be. We need to stop the shaming and start building each other up. Instead of thinking our way is the only way, realize that kids and families are different. They have different challenges and sometimes, there is more than one way to handle the challenges. We need to build each other up instead of adding to the guilt that already invades our lives. You know exactly what I am talking about. The guilt that comes from worrying. Are we working too much or not enough? Are we leading by example or do we need to speak up more? Should we give them more vegetables or can they survive on fries for another year? I don't know about you, but some days, the guilt eats me alive. Then when I see that stupid article or image on Facebook about how I only have 7 more summers with TJ.......it all falls apart. That's why things like that are nice reminders for some, but for those of us who live each day with that reality hanging over their heads as a constant reminder that we aren't doing enough.....We don't need it. We are living it.

My encouragement today is for you to see one mom--whether she be Super Mom or Super Stressed Out Mom--and reach out with something positive. Say something kind. It doesn't take much, but it is a reach out of our comfort zones. I am telling you when you reach out to someone else, it takes the focus off yourself and you see the positive instead of the negative. It could be as simple as a kind word to a mom who has a kid melting down in the aisle at the grocery store. We have all been there. It could be stopping to pray with a mom who has a sick kid. It could be bringing them dinner. It might even be just scrolling past that shaming, judgmental comment on Facebook without a response. It doesn't make you a chicken or a wimp. It means you don't have time to deal with it because you are too busy being an awesome mom.

The era of our kids with cell phones is beginning...

TJ is 11. He just started sixth grade. He made the middle school tennis team by some miracle of God. That means he has practice after school and will have tennis matches soon. Of course there are field trips. In fact, there is one that is overnight for two nights and one that is a day trip to Pigeon Forge (one day...these people must be insane). He also goes to spend the night at his friends' houses on occasion.

Jen and I are very much opposed to him having a phone where he can access the web, YouTube, etc., when we're not around. However, we have recently gotten a little more concerned about him being away from us with no direct method of communication. One day on the way to school last week, with his best friend Tanner in tow, I told TJ his mom and I were going to get him a flip phone. It is perfect for what we need, and he needs. I told him all he needs to be able to do is call and text.

When I was dropping them off, Tanner walked toward the front door. TJ started that way, then came back as if only to shut the door. Then he leaned in and said to me, "Did you have to bring up a flip phone in front of Tanner?" I chuckled and told him I'd love to have a flip phone.

Nevertheless, I do not own a flip phone, and they aren't like $10 as they seemed to be not long ago, and we're not really interested in embarrassing our kids just for the heck of it.

So, I dug out an old phone from a few years ago. It's perfect. It's a Windows phone. Did you know they still make those? It has no front-facing camera, no flash on the back, and it barely works to do anything except call and text. There are very few apps available, and the ones that are there mostly don't work very well. But the battery lasts forever.

I looked into the cheapest plans I could find, and the option I settled on was a pay-as-you-go plan from Tracfone. I ordered a SIM card from Walmart.com for $0.99, and then I purchased a 30 day plan with limited data, call minutes, and text for $15. I got it all set up, but apparently there is a trick to getting the data to work because I haven't figured it out yet. That's just fine with me!

We talked with TJ last night and told him that we had a phone, that is not his, that is the families, that is mine and his mom's. We were going to allow him to use for only the purpose of communicating with his parents and other family members, and perhaps Mrs. Nicole. We explained there are limited minutes and texts, and that he wasn't to use the data at all. No YouTube on the phone. No games. No nothing. It was not to be used for his enjoyment. 

We explained he would pick it up from beside our bed in the morning and return it when he gets home from school. They can't have phones during the school day at TFS, so he has to turn it in at the front desk anyway. 

I told him it is under my Microsoft account, so I can see everything that he has done. Then we told him if he proves to be trustworthy with it, and takes care of it, and doesn't misuse it, perhaps we would consider allowing him to download a game or two. 

He agreed to do as we said. We let him customize it a bit with background images, etc. He changed the beautiful photo of his mom on her contact info to a photo of Mario. Etc. Etc. He took it to school with him today and never even turned it on.

We did not want to come to this day so soon. Cell phones are so private, so mobile, so available everywhere, they can be very dangerous. As you all know. Kids can get into all kinds of trouble with cell phones, as has been well documented. Pre-teen and teenage girls have their set own challenges, issues, and temptations with cell phones. But boys, in my view, have it much worse. There are so many temptations that are available right at their fingertips. Despite what we have taught and trained, mistakes can be made. Having said that, our goal is to limit the exposure as much as possible for the time being as we continue to train and develop these young minds and hearts and eyes to be pure and honor God in all that they do. 

We are teaching young boys how to one day be godly men. This is something we do not take lightly.

Can our kids still learn to work???

I started a new job on Monday this week. At the end of the first day as we were walking out to leave, someone behind me asks, "Well, are you coming back tomorrow?" My new boss, who I have known for a number of years, was right there and probably thought I was a little off when I replied, "He better give me some work to do if he wants me to come back!" 

You see, it was a normal first day where you meet a lot of new people, you get a tour of the campus/facilities, they show you around a bit, you shoot the breeze a little, etc. I know all that is necessary, but I wanted to get to work! I can't stand not working and not making a contribution. That is something I was taught. I wasn't born with it. It was nurture, not nature.

Last weekend Jen and I were doing some yard work, pulling weeds, spreading mulch, and those types of things. Reilly wanted to help some spreading mulch, and he did. Jase wanted to water the plants, so he went and got on his swimming trunks and did that. I had pulled a bunch of weeds several days before that. TJ was helping me, but he didn't do much. He's 11, so there is a certain expectation level about what he can and can't do. But it reminded me how hard it is for us as parents to get our kids to not only work, but to do work well.

Our boys can be really helpful at times. But when they are assigned a task they don't like, or if they have some schoolwork they don't enjoy, of course they don't do it to the best of their abilities. Or if they need to clean their room or fold and put away laundry as examples, they take forever and complain the whole time they're doing it! 

We also try to stress to them that if they want to be good at something, really good, they have to work at it often, like every day, and work hard at it. It so often seems like they are not getting it and we're making no progress. As parents we want to train them to be excellent in everything they do, and to work hard at the task at hand.

I remember my mom and dad always holding us to a high standard. Growing up my brother and I would help our dad mow a few lawns to make some extra money. Especially when we were younger, we did a job that was maybe less than complete. "Get every blade," he would say, every blade of grass of course. So he wouldn't let us be done until we were, well, done. It needed to be a finished product, one that was complete and thorough and well done. 

So Jen and I vent to each other about this occasionally, and we vent to the boys occasionally, but it sure does feel like an uphill battle. Can we actually teach them to work hard and to do a job well done? Can they really learn? 

Yes (I think)! Just yesterday I came home and Jen and the boys were gone as Jen has a photo session somewhere. I walked into the quiet living room to see that it had been cleaned up spotless! It's usually a disaster because as soon as we clean it up our boys destroy it. I texted Jen and said,"Nice job cleaning up!" Her response, "The boys did that I did the laundry...Make sure you tell them." 

Glory, glory Hallelujah there is hope for the future!

Later I asked her how she got them to do the job and do it so well. She explained...well...I'll let her tell it...

I asked the boys to clean up the living area. It was completely destroyed, with their stuff everywhere. Cars, board games, stuffed animals, hats, shoes, clothes, and more littered the floor. I had pretty much hit my limit. I gave the instructions and left the room to finish my work. Every ten seconds, TJ came in to give me a report about how neither of his brothers could do anything and were not useful in any way. Reilly kept coming in to complain that TJ was bugging him. Jase was running around like a psycho. The last straw was when Jase came in and asked me to open something. I quickly called all the boys into my "office." I looked TJ straight in the face and started with him. I explained to him that his whining and complaining had lost him valuable time. He had spent so much time focused on what others were doing, he had lost focus on his own task. Being his best self was finishing the task no matter what everyone else was doing. In the amount of time he had spent complaining, he could have finished the room and started doing something else. I changed my focus to Reilly and simply told him, "You are lazy." I explained that he was lazy toward a lot of things--school work, baseball.....pretty much anything he put his hands to. He tried to interject and say he wasn't, but I pushed on. I explained to him why I perceived him as lazy. At one point I asked him when was the last time he threw a baseball. Poor Jase got the last bit of my speech. I told him that he had to start being helpful. I know most people would be like, "Give him a break! He's only four." But this kid is very capable of picking up his toys, and he knows that his dirty clothes go in the laundry room. I reminded him that he is the big boy that he constantly claims he is. If he wants to prove to me that he is a big boy who can be independent and do big boy things, he has to prove that he can do big boy things. After my big speech, they went in and went straight to work. I only helped with two things after that. The living room was SPOTLESS. 

Folks, this is not an easy task to teach that generation what it means to work hard and to do things with excellence. However, it is a battle that MUST be waged. We cannot let our kids grow up not knowing what it means to work and how to achieve things. They have to know that it takes work, effort, sacrifice to earn anything in life.

If you have kids, you need to know that we're all in this together. If we all make sure our kids know what it means to work, or at least we are working toward it, when they go to school or church or the playground and talk they will know that the expectations are high and that is just the way things are. So press on and fight the good fight. Our society needs it.

One other way you can help...post this blog on Facebook or share our Facebook post of it and let us know something you are doing teach your kids how to work!

Dear Social Media Warrior

Dear Social Media Warrior:

I am writing to you today to relieve you of your post. From here on out, you are no longer required to sit on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other social media platform and search out those who do not think exactly the same as you. At ease soldier.

To help you find your way back into normal social media society, I have a few tips that might help you. I know active social media duty can be tiresome and draining. It takes some time to break habits you might have formed during your tour around social media land.

First, several of the platforms offer you the ability to unfollow, unfriend, or delete other warriors or targets. Use this option. Remove anyone that might cause you to go back into attack mode or put you on alert. Any time you see something in your feed that causes you to pick up arms and attack, it's time to remove that trigger.

Second, choose to employ the scroll by. If you see something that just makes you want to go on the attack, use that little bar on the side and drag it down. POOF! The trigger has now been removed. You can go about your browsing. If you find yourself continuing to ponder the rants and soapboxes you see, get off whatever platform you are perusing and do something positive. There are several options you can choose from. Consider calling your mom or grandmother. Write a letter or card to a sick friend or a sad co-worker. Pay it forward and go pay for someone's meal at a restaurant. Combat the negativity with positivity.

Third, consider why you are still aching to be in active duty. Why do you fight so hard? Is it the desire to be right? Is it the urge to put others, who you believe are wrong, in their place? A recent article on Psychology Today explains that no matter how persuasive you might be, even cold hard facts won't deter the masses. Denise Cummins, PhD gave this example in her article:

"Consider this study by Lord, Ross and Leppner (1979)     which used a very realistic procedure to examine whether logic and evidence lead people to change their minds: People supporting and opposing capital punishment were asked to read two studies, one that confirmed and one that disconfirmed their existing beliefs about the death penalty. The studies were fictional, but were described as actual published research. They were then asked of each study, "Has this study changed the way you feel toward capital punishment?", and "Has this study changed your beliefs about the deterrent efficacy of the death penalty?" Then they were given summaries of several prominent criticisms of the study, and the authors’ rebuttals to the criticisms.

The results? The two groups became more certain of their original position, and, as a result, the groups became more polarized in their beliefs!

Why? Because people are likely to examine relevant evidence in a biased manner, accepting evidence that is consistent with their views without further scrutiny while subjecting evidence that contradicts their views to intense scrutiny."
Whose mind are you changing? Are you just making things worse? Are you just making someone even more less open minded? Who are you to give orders? What makes you so infallible and correct that you are allowed to give your opinion as the only opinion worth having? One of the things I have found to be a great characteristic of this wonderful thing we call mankind is the ability to think differently. Should you stand up for injustice? Yes. Should you stand up for life? Yes. Should you continue to fight the good fight? YES!  But not everything is so cut and dry. Do your due diligence and see all sides of an issue. Not only does this help you see things from another perspective, it allows you the opportunity to know why you believe what you believe.

Lastly, consider joining another regiment. Go out and find an infantry group who actually have their boots on the ground and get your hands dirty. (Not to say that your fingers and keyboard aren't already covered in the blood of your victims you have slaughtered during your many campaigns on the social media battle field.) Social media rarely makes real change. Lots of people say they want to fight the good fight. It is rare that many really step in and actually put on the uniform and walk the walk. 

But I am here to say it is okay to put the fire out under your fingertips and light the fire under your butt. You don't have to leave your warrior status behind, just become a different kind of warrior. Fight for real change instead of just being another voice in a sea of words. When you look back on your career as a warrior, don't you want to have actually helped someone? Otherwise, what's the point of fighting? 

Signed Your Commanding Officer,

Just as Guilty as You

Ending the Clutter: Experience Gifts

You have been there. Maybe it was Christmas or a birthday, possibly even a regular day when you looked out at all your children have accumulated and thought, "This has to stop." I hit my breaking point last year. My kids have rooms brimming with toys, papers, books, games, and who knows what else. I saw Christmas looming ahead of me and instead of getting excited, I started to stress about more things coming into the havoc we already have going on. That was when I decided we were going to start gifting experiences rather than goodies. 

I bet you are wondering how this works. Well, for us, we give the gift of making memories. As a photographer, memories are super important to me. They play a vital role, not only in my work life, but in my life as a mom as well. When Anthony and I sat down to decide what the boys would be gifted for Christmas, I immediately expressed my concern about bringing more stuff into our overcrowded home. Furthermore, they don't play with 75% of what they have! He knew exactly what I was talking about. 

We started planning what we might do. I had huge dreams of a big trip (I won't go into the details because I had to have a surgery that put this dream on hold, possibly until 2019 due to paying for that--and I still want to do that one!) that would just blow the kids away. Well, after some financial set backs, I had to reel myself back in and start from scratch. We decided to start with a shorter flight (our kids had never flown and Reilly was dying to) and stick with places we knew well and knew they would love. 

Once we started planning, we quickly realized this would be more of a financial sacrifice than a regular Christmas. It wasn't as expensive as what I had envisioned previously, but when looking at it all together, I was like......dang! But then we started paying attention. What's going on sale? Where can we catch some breaks? We decided on Orlando, a destination we know well and all of our kids enjoy. First things first, how do we fly? We chose Southwest. While there are cheaper options out there, they were not only pretty close in terms of cost, but they allowed the most checked baggage without a fee, and took our stroller and car seat for free. On top of that, prices were much cheaper if we flew in the evening. Of course that is a sacrifice with young kids because you are out much later and it can affect their behavior and sleep schedule. We decided to make the sacrifice. 

  

There wasn't much of a break on the rental car because Anthony was terrified after reading some reviews of the cheap rental places. We stuck with Budget for that. I was okay with his choice. When you are arriving in an airport that basically shuts down when you arrive, you don't want to be held up or have to deal with craziness with your only mode of transportation out of the place. 

We did our research on the attractions and realized that SeaWorld ran a Black Friday deal where you could purchase buy one get one free tickets. That saved us a good bit. We decided our second stop would be Legoland where we could take advantage of the homeschool discount. What was great about this is that they allowed our whole family to use it even though only one of our kids was homeschooled. Little things like that will make me more comfortable in recommending your establishment to others, as well as returning. 

That left us with lodging. Lodging can be an expensive undertaking in a place like Orlando. To save moolah, we opted out of staying on location at SeaWorld. We stayed at a StaySky Suites about 3 miles away. It saved us at least $100 and we were still close enough to get to the park when it opened. Unfortunately, Legoland was not as cheap when it came to accomodations. There is basically nothing surrounding it, so the best option is to stay at their lodgings. To save money, we opted to stay at the Beach Retreat across the street instead of at the hotel there on the property. We have stayed at the hotel in the past when they had a Georgia Residents Discount. It was a great experience, but we wanted to try something different and save a few bucks. 

While it was more than what we would have spent on a regular Christmas, I knew that the lack of junk coming back to our house was going to be worth it. I also knew that the memories we would make with our kids would be worth so much more than what we paid. 

At Christmas, we gave the plane tickets to Reilly, the SeaWorld tickets to TJ, and the Legoland tickets to Jase. They were thrilled. Did they want a Nintendo Switch? Yes! Did they get one? No! We have gaming systems galore and they didn't need another one. Did they want huge nerf guns to add to their bulging nerf collection? Of course! Did they get them? No! You can find random nerf bullets all over the upstairs and usually between the couch cushions. 

We got back from our Christmas adventure (the only catch was the kids had to wait until February to "get" their gift) about a week ago and it was a complete success! Not only did our kids make some crazy good memories, they were worn slap out every night. They spent less time on their tablets and tvs and enjoyed time with dolphins, stingrays and penguins. They weren't having to get rid of stuff just to make room for more stuff, and instead got to take on Lord Garmedon on the Ninjago ride. We laughed and danced, braved big coasters and little coasters, spent time with family, and just marvelled at how much God has blessed us. Watching your kids during a time like that you realize how fast these moments go by and you are so grateful that you make the time and money sacrifice to do things like this. 

As many of you know, our family theme this year is "Adventure." So far, we have done several things to keep that up (by the way, have I mentioned that I am TERRIBLE at geocaching??). So far, that trip has been the best adventure. For those of you who follow my Cox Family Travel Logs, I know you got a first hand account of all the adventure. I am so thankful that we decided to skip the stuff and go for the memories. 

When I think back on my childhood, I don't remember most of the toys I owned. I remember a few--our Thundercats lair, our Voltron racetrack, My Little Ponies galore, G.I. Joe's. What I mostly remember are the trips we made. We went to places like Disney World, Panama City, and Washington, D.C. Some of our best memories were made in the car on the way to where we were headed. Believe me, we have the videos to prove it! I wanted my kids to have memories like that as well. 

Their birthdays are quickly approaching. I am currently in planning mode for gifts that will not crowd our home with stuff, but fill it with memories of time spent with those that love them the most. Oh, and adventure......lots and lots of adventure! 

How I read the Bible

It was about four years ago, right at the beginning of the year. I was in a place, or going through a time, however you want to characterize it, where I felt no direction in life at all. I knew I needed to be there for my wife and kids. I knew I needed to provide. I knew I needed to try to live my life to the best of my ability in such a way as to honor God. But I just didn't have any passion or fire. Is that any different than any other day in your life? Haha! I have to put that in there.

I was so tired of not feeling any direction in life, and I knew something had to change. On January 2, 2013, I decided to start reading the Bible in the mornings, every day, before I did anything else. So I did that. Every day. Every morning. Before I did anything else. I did that every day that year, and almost every single day it was before I did anything else. 

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." So that was the start of my search. Matthew 6:33 says, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Notice the second two words...seek first. What does that mean? It could mean a lot of things, and it could mean different things in various situations. What it means to me is that we should seek the kingdom of God first. Before anything else. It should be our primary aim, or first focus, the initial goal to be achieved above and before all else. I decided to take it literally, as in time of day. That's why I wanted to read his Word first, at the very start of my day. 

Sometimes I was a little too "religious" with the idea of it being first. My wife can tell you. One time I was reading the Bible when she asked me to go get something or do something outside the house. I promptly reminded her that she was messing up my commitment. Not the best idea. But I really did take it seriously. On Christmas morning, even, I got up early enough to make sure I read before we opened any presents! It was something I did not want to compromise on.

I read a couple chapters in the Old Testament and one in the New Testament, as well as some of Psalms and Proverbs. I read the entire Bible through the course of that year. I had a one year Bible that breaks it up into daily readings. Since then, I have read the Bible through three more times, once each year. I've used now three different versions of a one year Bible. I'll link them below.

To be clear, I don't think it is mandatory to read your Bible first thing in the morning before anything you do anything else. The Bible probably doesn't mean that. It means seeking his kingdom should be first, and that's probably not to be taken in terms of the order of your day. It probably means He should be the priority in your life. You might think more clearly and are more focused in the evening. That's fine too. But when I tried that, I ended up being too sleepy to concentrate and mostly just ended up not doing it. 

On the other hand, maybe that verse really does mean we should seek His kingdom first in the day, before anything else. I decided that commitment was important for me. It might not be for you. But when you have kids, having time with God, in whatever way you do it, in the morning before everyone wakes up and it is still quiet, is very special and sweet.

What is also very important for me to stay on track is to have a plan. When I was growing up I often read Proverbs, one each day. Of course there are 31 chapters in Proverbs, and I don't think that's an accident. You could start there if you need a plan. As I got older and knew I needed to read more, I could not keep my commitment without a plan. That's why the one year Bible works really well for me.

A downside to reading through the Bible in this way if that's the bulk of what you do is that you're not really "studying" the Bible. There are helps and notes and commentary in the one year Bibles, but it's not a situation where you explore a specific topic in depth to a great degree. But I asked God to help me see and learn what He wanted me to get. Each time I read though, even when it's a familiar passage, something new pops out to me. It's encouraging.

One other thing I haven't done a great job at is praying every day, much. More recently, last year, I began to write sort of a prayer journal each morning. Well, some mornings I do and some I don't. Sometimes I look at Facebook or check my email and my time goes. No time for that prayer. But I've always found with prayer that my thoughts wanted and I have trouble staying focus. It's that way for a lot of people. Writing my prayer and thoughts has been a very good way to stay focus. And it also allows me to go back and review my prayers periodically.

To be completely honest, I do feel like God has blessed me in this. There is more peace in my life. He has blessed my family, and I am content. You know I quoted Jeremiah 29:13 up above. Do you realize that's two verses after Jeremiah 29:11. Come on. You know that one. Say it with me. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's one version of it anyway. So after God says he has these plans for us, He follows it up with telling us how to find Him, and all those other things will follow.

If you are struggling with reading the Word, maybe give this plan a try. It really takes very little time, but you have to make it a priority. It must be something you do every day. Don't not do it. Be consistent. Every day. Every single day. Commit to it. If I can do it, you can. I promise you will be blessed. 

The first Bible I used:
The MacArthur Daily Bible, NKJV

The next Bible I used:
Charles F. Stanley Life Principles Daily Bible, NASB

The Bible I am reading now:
The Daily Walk Bible, KJV

Coaching your own, together

Those of you who know Jen and me are familiar with the passion we have had for basketball throughout a large portion of our lives. We both grew up playing the sport and ended up playing college basketball at the same time. It's basically the reason we met. My fourth year in college, Jen was the graduate assistant coach for the women's team. Then once we finished and got married, Jen started teaching at Westminster Christian School in Gainesville, GA, and had the opportunity to coach volleyball and basketball right away. That was the beginning of our coaching journey.

She had some very successful teams there, and I helped as much as I could. I also coached the JV boys team for a time, and ultimately I took Jen's place her last year there as she was carrying our first son, TJ. During that same time period we also coached some YBOA teams for Habersham, all girls starting at nine years old. That was actually a lot of fun. We had some hardworking girls who fought like crazy to win, and they listened and tried to do what we said. And it was before we had any children of our own, so we had a lot of free time and were able to help develop some kids. They were our kids when we first started.

Once we had Reilly, we decided to take time off and said we wouldn't start back until our kids were playing or they were old enough to understand why we were spending time doing something else. We definitely stepped away from the game. We spent time with our kids while they were young. Then TJ turned four and decided he wanted to play soccer. Gag me. Everyone knows I can't help coach soccer, so we enjoyed it from the sidelines. Wait...we did not enjoy it, but maybe he did. He played for a couple of years and stopped. 

Reilly played t-ball and baseball, and I helped a little bit with that, but I never wanted to be the "person of record." I didn't want to be the head coach for a number of reasons. You don't like being the head of anything. Okay. You don't. You don't like making decisions and being in charge of anything. ...Anthony typing.... You don't have to write that. Yeah I do. We said we'd be transparent and honest.

Reilly finally decided to play basketball when he was six in the fall. TJ had never shown any interest in basketball, and really not much in any sport at all. He always wanted to play golf, but he never really practiced it. We didn't force him into anything. He liked reading, and he did a lot of that. Early last year Jen starting working with TJ a little outside with basketball, and he finally worked up the courage to try to play. I think partly he wanted to please us because he knew it had been important to us.

I'll never forget the day that the rec league had tryouts, or observations as they call them. TJ was not skilled. They call the kids into the gym to do who knows what in front of all the coaches. He had not been in there more than five minutes when he came out the door on the far end of the gym. I met him before he got back around all the others. I asked him how it went. He replied, "I sucked," to which I said, "Don't say that word." He knew going in that he wouldn't be the best out there. But we were super proud that he had decided to try despite what could be an embarrassing situation for him. These days, starting to play a sport when you are 10 puts you way behind many others.

While he played in the spring, he improved a little, but we knew he needed more instruction. So I told him if he wanted to play in the winter that I would try to coach his team. Well, of course Reilly decided to play too. But we knew he was going to play. He likes to take a break from baseball. It wouldn't have been right to coach one and not the other, so two days before tryouts I got the call that they were both my teams to coach.

So you started coaching. We started coaching. Sure. If you want to call it that. Care to elaborate? They are your teams. You're saying that because we only have one win between the two teams. No. It's because we have boys, not girls. 

We had never coached rec league before and didn't know what to expect. We've been trying to teach the kids skills to use in the games, but I should have probably focused a little more in practice on how the game works. No, I think we did a good job with that part, but it takes time to teach skills. There have been moments where it looks like the teams are really getting a good understanding of what we're asking to do, and there have been other more frequent times when everyone is lost.

We also have never coached our own kids until now. It's the pits. Here's the thing. Our kids aren't great at basketball. They try. They really do. They just don't have the experience and aren't very strong for their ages, I guess, and they're not as aggressive and confident as we'd like to see. It can be frustrating when you can't get your own kids to do what you want them to do, and know that they can do. 

But, I take a large part of the blame here. Since TJ never showed any interest, I didn't go out and work with him much at all. Jen did a good bit, as much as she had time for. No. You make it sound like I hardly have any time for our children if you go by his skill level. Not what I meant at all. You see, our kids would often rather sit inside and read a book (TJ) or play video games (Reilly and Jase) than go outside and practice a sport. So even when we should be helping them practice, it's sometimes like pulling teeth just to get them out there. And then they complain. It makes me want to give up. Yeah, or not even start, which is I suppose the approach that I took. I figured if they didn't want to try then I wasn't forcing them to do anything. It's too tiring.

Fast forward to last week on Thursday night. We had a particularly frustrating game with TJ's team. It was just awful. Nothing went right. Nothing I did helped. We couldn't play defense or offense. TJ couldn't even catch the ball, which we get on to him for. So we got home at about 8:15 and I channeled my frustration into practicing passing and catching with the boys. I spent about 30 minutes that night with TJ and Reilly passing and catching and dribbling. And I was passing the ball hard at them, inside the house. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. We only hit the ceiling fan light a couple of times. Don't tell Jen.

That night TJ responded before bed with a "thank you" for working with him. He promised he'd be better. I told him we were going to practice every day, and he said that he was up for it. I think just like with anything else, their interest will follow you putting more effort and time into it. Do you think that just applied to the dads? At the time I was working with him, I was also teaching him other things. So I think he felt special when you took the time to do it. It is very interesting that we've done it every day since then (except today...oops), and they've been mostly excited about working at it and have enjoyed it. I did see some improvement with TJ in the game on Monday. Not a lot, but some. He did catch the ball. Maybe you need to start working with him on his confidence every day. Yep. It's a work in progress.

The point is that I am forcing them to do it. They might do it voluntarily sometimes, but not all the time. Maybe we have to teach them how to have desire for something. I don't really understand it. I feel like when I was young I just wanted it and knew I had to work for it. Well, how did your parents teach you? They taught me that you had to work hard to get better at something. But come to think of it, I had a brother that was almost 10 years older than me, and I always wanted to be as good as him. He taught me a lot, and we had some heated battles in the back yard.

One other element of coaching is how it has impacted our relationship. We have coached together since day one after college. One time when Jen was head coach she kicked me off her bench. Not even kidding. Nicole Mason (Davis) had clearly traveled, and I stood up and yelled, "She traveled Mr. Ref!" He blew the whistle and gave me a technical foul. Jen turned to me and said, "Get off my bench." You're lucky I didn't punch you in the face. So that was fun.

When we coached YBOA we got to travel around a little and spend time together. It's always been intense when we're on the sidelines together. We don't always agree, and Jen will let me know when I'm wrong. But she is so passionate about things, she says a lot of stuff. :) And you're wrong a lot. See what I mean. Jen is helping me coach Reilly's team this year, and after the very first game of the season she said to me, "I think you need to do this alone. It's not good for us to do this together." Of course I think that's ridiculous. She had given a suggestion on the bench during the game and I asked her how that would help. Probably not the best thing to say. Since then I have listened much better and we're much more on the same page. She knows what she's talking about, and in the heat of the moment sometimes I'm so worked up I'm not thinking clearly.

I guess we'll see how far the boys go with basketball, or baseball, or whatever sport. Anytime we can we will be there on the sideline teaching them and their teammates how to play the game and what it teaches us about life. Until then we'll keep working with them and forcing them to get better. If they are going to do something, whatever that thing may be, they are going to work and practice and improve. Or they won't do that thing. It should say "or they'll die trying."