Coaching your own, together

Those of you who know Jen and me are familiar with the passion we have had for basketball throughout a large portion of our lives. We both grew up playing the sport and ended up playing college basketball at the same time. It's basically the reason we met. My fourth year in college, Jen was the graduate assistant coach for the women's team. Then once we finished and got married, Jen started teaching at Westminster Christian School in Gainesville, GA, and had the opportunity to coach volleyball and basketball right away. That was the beginning of our coaching journey.

She had some very successful teams there, and I helped as much as I could. I also coached the JV boys team for a time, and ultimately I took Jen's place her last year there as she was carrying our first son, TJ. During that same time period we also coached some YBOA teams for Habersham, all girls starting at nine years old. That was actually a lot of fun. We had some hardworking girls who fought like crazy to win, and they listened and tried to do what we said. And it was before we had any children of our own, so we had a lot of free time and were able to help develop some kids. They were our kids when we first started.

Once we had Reilly, we decided to take time off and said we wouldn't start back until our kids were playing or they were old enough to understand why we were spending time doing something else. We definitely stepped away from the game. We spent time with our kids while they were young. Then TJ turned four and decided he wanted to play soccer. Gag me. Everyone knows I can't help coach soccer, so we enjoyed it from the sidelines. Wait...we did not enjoy it, but maybe he did. He played for a couple of years and stopped. 

Reilly played t-ball and baseball, and I helped a little bit with that, but I never wanted to be the "person of record." I didn't want to be the head coach for a number of reasons. You don't like being the head of anything. Okay. You don't. You don't like making decisions and being in charge of anything. ...Anthony typing.... You don't have to write that. Yeah I do. We said we'd be transparent and honest.

Reilly finally decided to play basketball when he was six in the fall. TJ had never shown any interest in basketball, and really not much in any sport at all. He always wanted to play golf, but he never really practiced it. We didn't force him into anything. He liked reading, and he did a lot of that. Early last year Jen starting working with TJ a little outside with basketball, and he finally worked up the courage to try to play. I think partly he wanted to please us because he knew it had been important to us.

I'll never forget the day that the rec league had tryouts, or observations as they call them. TJ was not skilled. They call the kids into the gym to do who knows what in front of all the coaches. He had not been in there more than five minutes when he came out the door on the far end of the gym. I met him before he got back around all the others. I asked him how it went. He replied, "I sucked," to which I said, "Don't say that word." He knew going in that he wouldn't be the best out there. But we were super proud that he had decided to try despite what could be an embarrassing situation for him. These days, starting to play a sport when you are 10 puts you way behind many others.

While he played in the spring, he improved a little, but we knew he needed more instruction. So I told him if he wanted to play in the winter that I would try to coach his team. Well, of course Reilly decided to play too. But we knew he was going to play. He likes to take a break from baseball. It wouldn't have been right to coach one and not the other, so two days before tryouts I got the call that they were both my teams to coach.

So you started coaching. We started coaching. Sure. If you want to call it that. Care to elaborate? They are your teams. You're saying that because we only have one win between the two teams. No. It's because we have boys, not girls. 

We had never coached rec league before and didn't know what to expect. We've been trying to teach the kids skills to use in the games, but I should have probably focused a little more in practice on how the game works. No, I think we did a good job with that part, but it takes time to teach skills. There have been moments where it looks like the teams are really getting a good understanding of what we're asking to do, and there have been other more frequent times when everyone is lost.

We also have never coached our own kids until now. It's the pits. Here's the thing. Our kids aren't great at basketball. They try. They really do. They just don't have the experience and aren't very strong for their ages, I guess, and they're not as aggressive and confident as we'd like to see. It can be frustrating when you can't get your own kids to do what you want them to do, and know that they can do. 

But, I take a large part of the blame here. Since TJ never showed any interest, I didn't go out and work with him much at all. Jen did a good bit, as much as she had time for. No. You make it sound like I hardly have any time for our children if you go by his skill level. Not what I meant at all. You see, our kids would often rather sit inside and read a book (TJ) or play video games (Reilly and Jase) than go outside and practice a sport. So even when we should be helping them practice, it's sometimes like pulling teeth just to get them out there. And then they complain. It makes me want to give up. Yeah, or not even start, which is I suppose the approach that I took. I figured if they didn't want to try then I wasn't forcing them to do anything. It's too tiring.

Fast forward to last week on Thursday night. We had a particularly frustrating game with TJ's team. It was just awful. Nothing went right. Nothing I did helped. We couldn't play defense or offense. TJ couldn't even catch the ball, which we get on to him for. So we got home at about 8:15 and I channeled my frustration into practicing passing and catching with the boys. I spent about 30 minutes that night with TJ and Reilly passing and catching and dribbling. And I was passing the ball hard at them, inside the house. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. We only hit the ceiling fan light a couple of times. Don't tell Jen.

That night TJ responded before bed with a "thank you" for working with him. He promised he'd be better. I told him we were going to practice every day, and he said that he was up for it. I think just like with anything else, their interest will follow you putting more effort and time into it. Do you think that just applied to the dads? At the time I was working with him, I was also teaching him other things. So I think he felt special when you took the time to do it. It is very interesting that we've done it every day since then (except today...oops), and they've been mostly excited about working at it and have enjoyed it. I did see some improvement with TJ in the game on Monday. Not a lot, but some. He did catch the ball. Maybe you need to start working with him on his confidence every day. Yep. It's a work in progress.

The point is that I am forcing them to do it. They might do it voluntarily sometimes, but not all the time. Maybe we have to teach them how to have desire for something. I don't really understand it. I feel like when I was young I just wanted it and knew I had to work for it. Well, how did your parents teach you? They taught me that you had to work hard to get better at something. But come to think of it, I had a brother that was almost 10 years older than me, and I always wanted to be as good as him. He taught me a lot, and we had some heated battles in the back yard.

One other element of coaching is how it has impacted our relationship. We have coached together since day one after college. One time when Jen was head coach she kicked me off her bench. Not even kidding. Nicole Mason (Davis) had clearly traveled, and I stood up and yelled, "She traveled Mr. Ref!" He blew the whistle and gave me a technical foul. Jen turned to me and said, "Get off my bench." You're lucky I didn't punch you in the face. So that was fun.

When we coached YBOA we got to travel around a little and spend time together. It's always been intense when we're on the sidelines together. We don't always agree, and Jen will let me know when I'm wrong. But she is so passionate about things, she says a lot of stuff. :) And you're wrong a lot. See what I mean. Jen is helping me coach Reilly's team this year, and after the very first game of the season she said to me, "I think you need to do this alone. It's not good for us to do this together." Of course I think that's ridiculous. She had given a suggestion on the bench during the game and I asked her how that would help. Probably not the best thing to say. Since then I have listened much better and we're much more on the same page. She knows what she's talking about, and in the heat of the moment sometimes I'm so worked up I'm not thinking clearly.

I guess we'll see how far the boys go with basketball, or baseball, or whatever sport. Anytime we can we will be there on the sideline teaching them and their teammates how to play the game and what it teaches us about life. Until then we'll keep working with them and forcing them to get better. If they are going to do something, whatever that thing may be, they are going to work and practice and improve. Or they won't do that thing. It should say "or they'll die trying."

The Cox Family Adventure in 2018

Boy, Christmas just came and went right? I swear we just got the tree and got the Christmas lights up on the house! Even so, here we are, already on the 2nd day of the new year. I know most people will write blogs and other social media posts about resolutions and big changes to come in 2018. Why you will take the time to read mine, I have no idea. Either way, I want to share with you what will be different for our family.

As many of you know, we recently took a trip to visit family in Florida. On the long, yet made much better by stopping halfway, way back, we did something we have never done before. We decided to have a theme for our year with just a couple of goals that relate to our mission. (Just a side note, if you want boys to get excited about doing anything, call it a mission. It just helps those of us women who live in a man's world get some cooperation.)

So announcing to all 50 people who will read this the first annual Cox theme for the New Year--ADVENTURE. Don't be underwhelmed. It has a lot of different facets to it.

First, we discussed that an adventure could happen in so many different areas of our life every day. If you think about it, each new day is an adventure. No day is exactly the same no matter how in a rut you feel. Adventures can appear in our spiritual, emotional, and physical lives. Adventure doesn't just mean trips. When most people think of adventure they think of scaling mountains or visiting a place you have never been. If you Google the definition of adventure it says this--

"an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity."

Most moms would look at that definition and see one word--HAZARDOUS. I know what you are thinking. It's probably the same thing 2017 me would say. "NOPE." We already have enough hazards going on here in this house with three boys running around and jumping off things." But after putting a lot of thought into this theme and after discussing it with the family, I realized that everything we do worth doing has its own risks and dangers. Shoot, when I chose to marry Anthony, it was coming with the risk that he could hurt me. And not just hurt me a little bit! I could totally be left heartbroken if the adventure I took on didn't work in my favor. When we decide on colleges, jobs, churches, friends, what to eat at lunch.....it all comes with a risk, with some kind of danger. 

When I looked at it from this perspective, I realized that maybe I was being a little bit overprotective of the boys, not to mention Anthony and I. As we grow and mature, part of that process is learning to be able to assess risk and determine whether or not it's worth it. We also learn to deal with risks that turn out in our favor. That right there might be one of life's hardest, but most worthwhile, lessons. We have to learn to pick ourselves back up and keep moving forward. If you don't learn this important skill, it can have dire consequences.  

So, back to our family. If you know my children, you know their personalities. TJ is the cautious, always assessing the risk and possible pitfalls that will happen kid. He is the one that looks at the bike, the roller coaster, the height and says, "What are the chances this will kill me?" If they chances are 10% or greater, he will not choose that thing. Reilly, on the other hand, doesn't assess anything until after the fact. You can see it in his face as soon as he gets in trouble for doing something he knows he shouldn't do. It registers every time. You can see his mind going, "Yep, probably should have thought that through." Then of course there is the baby Jase. He is anything but a baby most of the time. Risk? What's risk? And even afterwards, even after it falls apart miserably, he keeps on doing his thing. For instance, while on this aforementioned trip, Jase just jumped off into the pool while it wasn't his turn. (Yes, yes....we will be getting this kid swimming lessons in 2018.) While TJ would have never done it, Reilly would have come up in total fear and panic, Jase just kept smiling and looked at me and waved after being rescued by his dad. It's just how they are built. And while who they are is awesome and exactly what God created them to be, they each need to learn something from this family theme we have chosen. 

Each day we will look for an adventure. It might be something God puts right in front of us like a friend who we need to witness to or encourage. It could be in trying a food we might not have otherwise tried. Maybe it means strapping in to a roller coaster or jumping on a bike and riding with training wheels. No matter what form, I want my kids to tackle it head on. But I also want them to look back and think about what they learned from that adventure. Was it worth the risk? Would they do it again? How do they feel after? 

Within adventure, each of us added a goal for our family that will help us have an adventure this year. Here is the list:

1. Empathy

2. Sharing

3. Keeping Order

4. Time Management

5. Be Active

I am sure you are looking at this list and thinking how in the world do these apply to adventure? Take a second look. First, if we are empathetic, we are looking beyond ourselves and see the plight of others. It many cases, that results in us reaching out to those people. That can be a huge adventure in possibly creating a new friendship. It can also lead to us giving in big ways. We realized that giving can be a huge adventure and it, and relationships, can be very risky. Second, sharing means letting go. It means letting someone else have or share in something that you would normally keep to yourself. What an adventure it can be to let go and allow someone else to be part of the journey with you. Whether it comes in the form of a toy, the gospel, our food--whatever we share can put us on the path to a big adventure. Third, keeping order allows us more opportunities to go an adventure when the chance arises. I am not the most organized and neat person. I have tried so many times to make this change and it has never stuck. To be honest, I didn't marry the most organized and neat person either. We realize now that, with a plan, we can conquer this and have more opportunities to host people in our home, be able to head out of the house, or just plain be ready when adventure calls. 

Fourth, time management is a huge issue for all of us. From Anthony all the way down to Jase, we have to budget our time wisely. Of course this seems a little less adventury, but if we budget our time and get things done in a timely manner (working smarter, not harder) we have more time for adventure when it calls. It offers us the opportunity to be ready. The last one is a big one for me. I live in a house of button pushers. Men who love their technology and are really good with it. But it can be time consuming--even for me. This year we are committing to less screen time and more activity. Think about the adventures that wait if we would just cut back on the button pushing, finger swiping, and double tapping? It also means that Anthony and I can get back in shape before we go off on our big 15th wedding anniversary adventure!

So as you can see, ADVENTURE is the word of the year for us. My prayer for us is that God will bless this commitment we have made to each other and to Him. I am not looking for all our risks to pan out, but that when they don't we learn how to handle it.  Losing, failure, broken hearts--they are all part of life. And if we can learn how to handle that together, then hopefully we will be putting some pretty amazing young men out into the world. 

What's your word for your family this year? Let us know! Do you have other goals for your family? Share them with us. We will hold you accountable, just as I hope you will do the same for us!