It’s another week gone by here in the Cox household and I have made the usual amount of mistakes and goof-ups. I sit here and recount every overreaction, every pile of unwashed laundry, every naggy comment--if it’s negative, I have dredged it back up. Not to mention I had some extra worries added to my pile of stress over the last couple of weeks. Looking in the mirror, I see the saggy eyelids and dark circles and say to myself, “You are not enough.”
You are probably wondering why it took me so long to come to that conclusion. I mean, how many times do you have to read this blog or watch our live chats to know that I am definitely not enough. Well, part of it was, for a few years now, I have been reading blog posts and articles that claimed that even in my imperfections, I was enough. It was encouraging! Reading about moms who had the same problems, yet their kids were turning out great and life was still moving for them. Their kids were not irreversibly screwed up yet and their husbands were still happy to be in the same house with them. I am pretty sure I have even blogged somewhere on here saying, it’s okay, no matter how you feel, you are enough.
Well, I have changed my mind. I am not enough.
The epiphany occurred about two weeks ago. I got some pretty crappy news and my well-laid out plans took a massive hit. I was depressed, anxious, and to be quite honest, pretty angry. I have been working extremely hard, and right in the midst of the busy season, I get smacked with even more stress. I kept looking at the situation and realized, no matter how I come at this, I am not enough. I can’t move fast enough (thanks crappy old body that can’t properly heal from an ankle sprain), I can’t make enough money, I can’t be around enough, I can’t do enough, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…….I am just not enough.
It’s pretty frustrating to be a wife, mom, business owner, homemaker, etc who is not enough. People judge you by the house you keep, the behavior of your kids, by the happiness of your husband--shoot, even by the meals you cook. People judge and judge and judge. I am going to be totally honest with you. If you are judging me right now by the state of my house or my cooking, you will be very much disappointed. I don’t do either very well.
It’s stressful. I could feel the ropes I was tightly hanging on to starting to fray and snap. I started to get that chest tightening fear that I get when the load starts to get too heavy to bear. My prayers start with, “Lord, I am not sure I can deal with much more…..” I am just not enough.
Here is the good news. I don’t have to be enough. In fact, I am not built to be enough. Sin has destroyed our ability to be enough. Romans 3:23 is a great reminder! “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Ya’ll, I don’t just fall short, I free fall from it. It almost looks like I am running in the opposite direction from it some days! I don’t typically do it on purpose, but my faith isn’t always what it should be.
Here’s the even better news! Guess who is enough? Yep. It’s Jesus Christ. He came to this world to be what we need in order to be enough. He stands in the gap for us. Romans 5:8 says, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Even while we’re not enough, He still loved us enough to send his only son to make us enough. I don’t know if you are reading this as a parent, but have you thought about that? Do you love people enough to give up your only child (or any of your children for that matter) for them? I know I would be horrible at that.
Here’s what we need to think about. If we were enough, would we recognize our need for a Savior? If we felt like we had it all together and were just cruising through life, would we take the time to get to know the One who created us? I truly doubt that would happen. It’s in the moments of not being enough that we let Him step in and be the bridge that takes us to the other side. He’s the puzzle piece we need in order to be complete. No matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we work, we can never be enough without Jesus. We need Him to make us completely whole.
So now, on these days when I know I am not enough, it’s okay. This feeling is my reminder that I can be with His help. I just have to let Him make me whole. No, that is not easy. Letting go of the control I think I have is tough. But I want to be enough…..I ache after and strive for it. That innate desire we feel is more a desire for Him--the need to be whole. Without Him, we just aren’t. So the next time you feel like you aren’t enough, relax and let him do the rest.
