We are living in a Pinterest World. I admit it. I get caught up in creating a million boards that I will never go back and look at. There I am, spending too much time pinning dresses I will never wear, hair styles I would never be brave enough to try, rooms in houses I would never be able to afford, & places I will never be able to talk my husband into visiting. Give me just about 5 minutes on Pinterest and I feel like an ugly, under performing, terribly dressed mom who should be grateful for every blissful moment.
So today, I found it pretty interesting when one of my favorite moms at Jase's school made the comment, "Pinterest is the devil." Ahhhhhh.......Camden. My thoughts exactly! While I love having a world of ideas, recipes, crafts, and birthday party themes at my finger tips, the downside seems pretty, well a downer. Is Pinterest really the devil?
Think about it. Camden mentioned that it only bred frustration in her when she saw all the crazy amazing house designs and couldn't afford to replicate them in the home they were building. I'm right there with you girl. Facebook can have the same affect when we see our friends with these amazing spaces. I wouldn't call our space amazing. It's more like lived in chic.
But it's bigger than that. I have had clients warn me that their children are not "Pinterest kids." Well of course they aren't! Many of the kids you see on Pinterest are the children of photographers. Either they have had a camera in their face since their first breath, or their parents have learned the fantastical magic we in the photography world call face swap. Trying to get your kid to look as serene and composed as the kids in those examples found on Pinterest will cause you to have a panic attack at your session! Plus, it places unrealistic expectations on your normal kid. Yes. Your kid is normal. Embrace the normal.
It grows even worse with bad advice flowing like the Nile River. "Ten Ways to be a Better Wife" or "Have a New Child by Friday" may sound enticing, but once you read it, you realize you could have just been a better wife by talking to your husband for the 15 minutes it took you to read an article that told you that being a better wife means letting your husband drive all the time so he is in control. Just flip through some pins. Apparently, every single person in the world knows how to lose weight, be a effective mom, plan vacations, and cook better than I can. According to Pinterest, I am an idiot.
But we don't have to live a Pinterest perfect life. In fact, we can't. It's impossible. We are sinners saved by the grace of an Almighty God. I am not always the best mom. I can't be. My patience will run too thin one day and I am probably going to yell. Maybe even call someone a ding dong. Forget me being the perfect wife. I have read 100 times about how to love my husband who needs words of affirmation, but I will still use my words to lash out at him from time to time. And my house......just forget it.
Of course we can't throw the baby out with the bath water. Pinterest offers a lot of great suggestions. But that's the point--they are suggestions. Not every pin is for everybody. And if you feel like it makes you frustrated or discontented, don't be afraid to delete it. I have found that once I stopped looking at things that offered me advice or things I couldn't possibly ever have, it also weeded it out of my suggested feeds. That means I only saw pins related to those that I showed the most interest in. Once I figured that out, my Pinterest World became a bit smaller, but much more pleasant.
To be honest, I am okay with my imperfection. It means I am human. I'm also okay with not having a perfect house. It means I have three healthy, messy kids who love living here. I'm even okay with my crazy hair. It might not be easy to handle all the time and get in the way.......okay. Who am I kidding? I desperately need a hair cut. If you happen across some great cuts, send them my way.
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Lessons for 2019 From Moana
It's a new year and we all are looking forward to a new journey and memories to be made in 2019. Recently, though, I have been doing some soul searching. Who am I? Where am I headed? What is God calling me to do? Is He even calling me at all? A lot of people would say it's all stemming from me creeping (and I mean army crawling) toward middle age. Once we hit a midpoint, it's time to take stock and remember where we have been and determine where we are going.
It's funny. Disney is something that has stood out to me since I was a kid. I have always loved the movies, the songs, and the fairy tales that they put out on the big screen. Yeah, they don't always stand for the best things and it's crazy stupid expensive, but it's something I grew up with and enjoyed.
One song recently has stood out to me. It comes from a movie that, to me, wasn't their best, but was entertaining none the less. Maybe you have heard it a thousand times? I know I have. It's "I am Moana (Song of the Ancestors)" from the movie "Moana." If you are one of the three people in the world who hasn't heard the song, her part goes a little like this--
It's all about a girl who listens to her grandmother and then describes who she is in a really catchy song. When I first saw the movie and heard the song the first thousand times, I didn't really think much about it. But as I sat reflecting, it came back to me.
So I came to the question that Moana came to during her journey. Who am I? Well, Moana, that is a stinking good question! If you would have asked me 15 years ago, I would have said I am a teacher and coach.....a wife and a friend. I love basketball and it brings me so much happiness and excitement. I am the daughter of a coach and a teacher, and descended from preachers. Those who have preached the Word without fear. They remind me.
Yes, a lot of my song remains the same. But so much has changed. I am no longer the teacher and coach to kids who became like my own children. I am definitely not the same wife that I was so long ago. I am still a daughter and a friend who descended from preachers, but I am also not the same.
As many of you know, this year, Anthony and I will be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem like that much time has come and gone. We were just babes when we got married. Although to some, we were more mature and true adults when we finally (we had a pretty long engagement) made it to the altar. But to me, we were just kids (I was 22 and he was 21). I'll leave the longer story for another time, but we didn't have a clue as to what we were getting ourselves into at the time. I am ever so grateful that things have changed and I have become a better wife with a better relationship with her husband.
Sports were a huge part of my life. I had just finished up a 4-year stint as a guard at Piedmont College. While I was happy to be done (my poor old body didn't have much left in it), I needed a new outlet for that kind of energy and passion. I found that in coaching. My kids would tell you I was pretty intense, but I really wanted them to be successful and learn that with a little hard work, you could beat anyone and accomplish goals. It was hard to walk away from teaching, but coaching was probably even harder. All the energy instead got bottled up and it drove me crazy for a while.
But those were just parts of who I was. I remember thinking those things would be me forever. But here I sit, far removed from the teacher and coach who I once was. While my song seems to constantly be changing, who I am remains the same. I am still passionate and stubborn. I get defensive, but I am my own worst critic. I am still a teacher, just not in the same way. I am still a coach, just generally not on the sidelines.
The best part of my song? The Writer and Creator of it knows my past and future. I can take stock of who I am, but I don't have to worry about where I am going. My songwriter knows where my path leads. He knows each turn and lyric of my song by heart. He reminds me every day that this song will just get sweeter--even with all the changes, even with all the high and low notes. And one day, when my song ends, I will meet the one who wrote the beautiful melody that was my life. And I hope that He will think that I lived it well.
But as far as 2019 goes, I am ready. Whatever this last year of my 30's may hold, I face it with eagerness and excitement. I go into it holding the hand of the One who always reminds me and calls me through it all.
It's funny. Disney is something that has stood out to me since I was a kid. I have always loved the movies, the songs, and the fairy tales that they put out on the big screen. Yeah, they don't always stand for the best things and it's crazy stupid expensive, but it's something I grew up with and enjoyed.
One song recently has stood out to me. It comes from a movie that, to me, wasn't their best, but was entertaining none the less. Maybe you have heard it a thousand times? I know I have. It's "I am Moana (Song of the Ancestors)" from the movie "Moana." If you are one of the three people in the world who hasn't heard the song, her part goes a little like this--
(Moana): Who am I?
I am the girl who loves my island
I'm the girl who loves the sea
It calls me
I am the daughter of the village chief
We are descended from voyagers
Who found their way across the world
They call me
I've delivered us to where we are
I have journeyed farther
I am everything I've learned and more
Still it calls me
And the call isn't out there at all
It's inside me
It's like the tide, always falling and rising
I will carry you here in my heart
You remind me
That come what may, I know the way
I am Moana!
I am the girl who loves my island
I'm the girl who loves the sea
It calls me
I am the daughter of the village chief
We are descended from voyagers
Who found their way across the world
They call me
I've delivered us to where we are
I have journeyed farther
I am everything I've learned and more
Still it calls me
And the call isn't out there at all
It's inside me
It's like the tide, always falling and rising
I will carry you here in my heart
You remind me
That come what may, I know the way
I am Moana!
It's all about a girl who listens to her grandmother and then describes who she is in a really catchy song. When I first saw the movie and heard the song the first thousand times, I didn't really think much about it. But as I sat reflecting, it came back to me.
So I came to the question that Moana came to during her journey. Who am I? Well, Moana, that is a stinking good question! If you would have asked me 15 years ago, I would have said I am a teacher and coach.....a wife and a friend. I love basketball and it brings me so much happiness and excitement. I am the daughter of a coach and a teacher, and descended from preachers. Those who have preached the Word without fear. They remind me.
Yes, a lot of my song remains the same. But so much has changed. I am no longer the teacher and coach to kids who became like my own children. I am definitely not the same wife that I was so long ago. I am still a daughter and a friend who descended from preachers, but I am also not the same.
As many of you know, this year, Anthony and I will be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary. It doesn't seem like that much time has come and gone. We were just babes when we got married. Although to some, we were more mature and true adults when we finally (we had a pretty long engagement) made it to the altar. But to me, we were just kids (I was 22 and he was 21). I'll leave the longer story for another time, but we didn't have a clue as to what we were getting ourselves into at the time. I am ever so grateful that things have changed and I have become a better wife with a better relationship with her husband.
Sports were a huge part of my life. I had just finished up a 4-year stint as a guard at Piedmont College. While I was happy to be done (my poor old body didn't have much left in it), I needed a new outlet for that kind of energy and passion. I found that in coaching. My kids would tell you I was pretty intense, but I really wanted them to be successful and learn that with a little hard work, you could beat anyone and accomplish goals. It was hard to walk away from teaching, but coaching was probably even harder. All the energy instead got bottled up and it drove me crazy for a while.
But those were just parts of who I was. I remember thinking those things would be me forever. But here I sit, far removed from the teacher and coach who I once was. While my song seems to constantly be changing, who I am remains the same. I am still passionate and stubborn. I get defensive, but I am my own worst critic. I am still a teacher, just not in the same way. I am still a coach, just generally not on the sidelines.
The best part of my song? The Writer and Creator of it knows my past and future. I can take stock of who I am, but I don't have to worry about where I am going. My songwriter knows where my path leads. He knows each turn and lyric of my song by heart. He reminds me every day that this song will just get sweeter--even with all the changes, even with all the high and low notes. And one day, when my song ends, I will meet the one who wrote the beautiful melody that was my life. And I hope that He will think that I lived it well.
But as far as 2019 goes, I am ready. Whatever this last year of my 30's may hold, I face it with eagerness and excitement. I go into it holding the hand of the One who always reminds me and calls me through it all.
Sunday, December 16, 2018
Holiday Survival Mode
It's the 12th day of Christmas, and do you know what my true love has brought me? Twelve irritations. Yeah, you heard me right. Due to the "Winter Weather," we haven't had a silent night in at least four days. My own personal little drummer boy has already pounded my ear drums with crying and whining over every single piece of clothing I put on him this morning. And OH BABY is it cold outside when I am working!
I'm guessing you have caught my theme above. It is Christmas, but sometimes it feels like anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Currently, I am in what I like to call Holiday Survival Mode. To be quite honest, it usually starts around the middle of September for me. My work schedule triples in size and I don't see a whole lot of my family from that point until the end of December. Our kids start basketball and we are gone almost every night of the week for a practice or a game. As the end of the year approaches are schedule gets even more crazy as we add in Christmas play practices, Christmas parties, tournaments, outings with friends....the list goes on and on. It's just like my car. Around September 29th, my own personal "Check Engine" light starts flashing. Then in October, it stops flashing and is on permanently until after January 1st. Hence, I am in the midst of Holiday Survival Mode.
What is this mode I speak of? It's almost like functioning on automatic.....cruise control if you will. In a way, you almost go numb. You bake the cookies (or break them off and throw them on a pan), you drive to the athletic contests, you buy the gifts, you eat the food (in my case a lot), you wrap the presents, you attend the play (or sometimes ten), you move the Elf (in our house it's a Grinch) and before you know it, it's all over, and you are left sitting there wondering if it all happened or if it was all one merry little dream. You don't feel joy, peace, or comfort because you have literally missed it all just trying to keep your head above water--survival mode.
Why do we do this you ask? We want to be that mom. You know the one I am talking about. The one whose family has a memorable Christmas every year. The one who could write Pinterest boards on how to strategically get your Elf to look like he's hang gliding from the Christmas tree to the stocking. The one who has the picture-perfect Christmas card of the kids all smiling and lovingly holding each other's hands. The one who posts picture after picture of her kids enjoying holiday light shows, Santa visits, and snow tubing adventures. For me, it wasn't even that.
I have always loved Christmas. From the moment I realized what it was, I have loved everything about it--the music, the colors, the smells, the activities. I just couldn't wait for Christmas to come around every year. My mom was amazing at making Christmas memorable. We had this marvelous advent calendar where we moved a mouse every day, and she would put a little note in the pocket with something we were going to do or make or see that day. I remember making ornaments and goodies and just having so much fun. I don't remember a day where she stressed over it all.
Welcome to parenthood Jennifer. I tried to do the same thing. I bought a similar advent calendar. It takes everything in my poor brain to think of a note to write the kids each day. Some days I just say forget it and beg Anthony to help. We didn't get an Elf, but our Grinch sometimes doesn't leave his hiding place. Luckily, he's a lazy small-hearted guy anyway, right? At this point, I could probably set up the Cornelia Christmas in the Park lights on my own we have been through so many times. I just don't have the "momliness" that my mom had.....and I don't know why. And each Christmas season that passes, I feel like I get worse and worse.
We don't have to live in survival mode. We don't have to feel numb. We don't have to compare ourselves to the super Christmas moms out there who's trees aren't covered in super heroes and yet, their kids still love them. I don't have to live up to the awesome Christmas mom I had. I just have to make sure my kids know what this season is really all about and love on them like another one won't come around next year. I have to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be present instead of trying to figure out all the presents. I have to teach them it's about others and not all about them.
It's not easy to let go of survival mode, and just thrive. To be honest, for me, it's easier to not feel and put it on cruise control than to stop, take stock of what's happening. I do it every year and I know each year that I am losing a little more of my love for the season. I am currently trying to get out of survival mode and it is stinking hard. But I know it's worth it because I wasn't meant to just survive.
If you look at the Scriptures they tell us that we were meant to have life--and abundantly at that. And what better time to really live than during the Christmas season? The time that reminds us of why we are able to do so? John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I shouldn't be numb! I should be taking heart and living life--even when it's tough, and frustrating, and I want to strangle people with candy canes and Christmas lights.
So here's to getting out of survival mode and letting the Christmas cards fall how they may (crud....I should probably put those in the mail tomorrow). From our havoc-filled house to yours--MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I'm guessing you have caught my theme above. It is Christmas, but sometimes it feels like anything but the most wonderful time of the year. Currently, I am in what I like to call Holiday Survival Mode. To be quite honest, it usually starts around the middle of September for me. My work schedule triples in size and I don't see a whole lot of my family from that point until the end of December. Our kids start basketball and we are gone almost every night of the week for a practice or a game. As the end of the year approaches are schedule gets even more crazy as we add in Christmas play practices, Christmas parties, tournaments, outings with friends....the list goes on and on. It's just like my car. Around September 29th, my own personal "Check Engine" light starts flashing. Then in October, it stops flashing and is on permanently until after January 1st. Hence, I am in the midst of Holiday Survival Mode.
What is this mode I speak of? It's almost like functioning on automatic.....cruise control if you will. In a way, you almost go numb. You bake the cookies (or break them off and throw them on a pan), you drive to the athletic contests, you buy the gifts, you eat the food (in my case a lot), you wrap the presents, you attend the play (or sometimes ten), you move the Elf (in our house it's a Grinch) and before you know it, it's all over, and you are left sitting there wondering if it all happened or if it was all one merry little dream. You don't feel joy, peace, or comfort because you have literally missed it all just trying to keep your head above water--survival mode.
Why do we do this you ask? We want to be that mom. You know the one I am talking about. The one whose family has a memorable Christmas every year. The one who could write Pinterest boards on how to strategically get your Elf to look like he's hang gliding from the Christmas tree to the stocking. The one who has the picture-perfect Christmas card of the kids all smiling and lovingly holding each other's hands. The one who posts picture after picture of her kids enjoying holiday light shows, Santa visits, and snow tubing adventures. For me, it wasn't even that.
I have always loved Christmas. From the moment I realized what it was, I have loved everything about it--the music, the colors, the smells, the activities. I just couldn't wait for Christmas to come around every year. My mom was amazing at making Christmas memorable. We had this marvelous advent calendar where we moved a mouse every day, and she would put a little note in the pocket with something we were going to do or make or see that day. I remember making ornaments and goodies and just having so much fun. I don't remember a day where she stressed over it all.
Welcome to parenthood Jennifer. I tried to do the same thing. I bought a similar advent calendar. It takes everything in my poor brain to think of a note to write the kids each day. Some days I just say forget it and beg Anthony to help. We didn't get an Elf, but our Grinch sometimes doesn't leave his hiding place. Luckily, he's a lazy small-hearted guy anyway, right? At this point, I could probably set up the Cornelia Christmas in the Park lights on my own we have been through so many times. I just don't have the "momliness" that my mom had.....and I don't know why. And each Christmas season that passes, I feel like I get worse and worse.
We don't have to live in survival mode. We don't have to feel numb. We don't have to compare ourselves to the super Christmas moms out there who's trees aren't covered in super heroes and yet, their kids still love them. I don't have to live up to the awesome Christmas mom I had. I just have to make sure my kids know what this season is really all about and love on them like another one won't come around next year. I have to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be present instead of trying to figure out all the presents. I have to teach them it's about others and not all about them.
It's not easy to let go of survival mode, and just thrive. To be honest, for me, it's easier to not feel and put it on cruise control than to stop, take stock of what's happening. I do it every year and I know each year that I am losing a little more of my love for the season. I am currently trying to get out of survival mode and it is stinking hard. But I know it's worth it because I wasn't meant to just survive.
If you look at the Scriptures they tell us that we were meant to have life--and abundantly at that. And what better time to really live than during the Christmas season? The time that reminds us of why we are able to do so? John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I shouldn't be numb! I should be taking heart and living life--even when it's tough, and frustrating, and I want to strangle people with candy canes and Christmas lights.
So here's to getting out of survival mode and letting the Christmas cards fall how they may (crud....I should probably put those in the mail tomorrow). From our havoc-filled house to yours--MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
You know what's better than voting?
The other night, election eve actually, I made a post on Facebook about voting. In fact, I said I don't care if you vote or not. I got so tired of all the social media posts and online advertisements and mailers and commercials and phone calls and text messages and etc. etc. I think most people got tired of it. More specifically, I got tired of everyone, everywhere telling me to go vote. You can't tell me what to do. In many cases if there is a big consensus on something to do or some new thing, I go the other way. So telling me what to do and why I need to do it isn't going to influence me much. Look, you're an adult. If you want to go vote, do it. If you don't think it's that important, then don't. You probably aren't very informed anyway. So vote. Or don't. I care not. Apparently other people do, though, so my Facebook post seemed to rub a few the wrong way.
Hey, don't get me wrong. I think it's very important to vote. I always vote. I think you should vote too, probably, but honestly I don't care if you do or not. I might want you to NOT vote if I don't agree with you on politics.
Having said all that, instead of getting all worked up about how good your preferred politician is or how bad their political party is, I have another idea.
Let me be provide a few examples of what I'm referring to when I say raise your kids well.
Make your kids do what they are told. I know this is a hard one. We have a four-year-old. Sometimes we tell him to do something, and, especially when he's tired or irritated or hungry, he says, "I'm not gonna do it." What do you think happens next? Do you think we beg and plead with him and ask him please? Not quite. He's going to do that thing one way or the other, and he's probably going to face consequences for the way he responded. We can never be 100% on this. There will always be struggles. But be consistent.
I just recently read a book by Dr. Meg Meeker called Hero: Being the Strong Father Your Children Need. Great book. I highly recommend it. One thing she talks about is this notion that being restrictive in terms of what you allow your children to do will somehow damage them. Look, children need boundaries. They crave structure. They are dying for you to show that you care enough about them to protect them and to put in place rules that are ultimately for their good. They won't see it all the time, of course. But they also find comfort in knowing that they can freely explore within the boundaries that you have set. How wonderful for children to know that they can create and enjoy life within guidelines, and that they are safe there. Kids that feel loved and safe will flourish.
Don't try to be your children's friend. Your kids have enough friends. You are not their friend. You are their father, or their mother. Your children need you to discipline them when they do the wrong thing. Make sure the expectations are clear and that they understand. To be unclear is to be unkind (Dave Ramsey). When they violate the rules, they need to be punished. As they grow up, you will see the fruits of this sometimes uncomfortable action. Yes, they need to know that you are there for them. Of course you need to try to have a relationship where your kids feel like they can come tell you anything and talk through things. But don't mistake that for being worried that they will not like you if they do something they know they shouldn't and you discipline them. Your kids will feel loved and know that you care if you discipline them.
Make sure they know how to work. I will be the first to admit that my kids get way too much stuff without working for it. That's my opinion anyway. What can I say. They have grandparents and extended family who love to spoil them. We probably give them too many things too. I don't know. As parents we do try to make them work for things, and also work just to work. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to do work in life for rewards that aren't all that special. They help with the laundry. They help with the dishes. They help straighten up the living room. Their bedrooms are a disaster, but TJ has actually done really well with his in the last year or so. These things need to be done in a household to make it work. That is how life is sometimes.
If they play a sport, they have to work at it. They have to work to get better. There is satisfaction in a job well done. There are also rewards. They need to learn these things starting at a young age and gain a deeper understanding and appreciation as they grow and develop.
Those three things are pretty simple, right? I want you to think about this. What if all parents did these three things? How would that transform our country? What if we had a bunch of young adults who understood that when given instructions they should be completed? If not, there will be consequences. What if we had young adults who understood that it was okay to explore and enjoy and create within the boundaries or a civilized society? What if we had young adults who knew that there will be times when they get disciplined, and that is for their benefit? In a job, or in life, they know that if they get out of line they will be brought back to a place of productivity. What if we had young adults who had all been working their entire lives, starting at home with dishes and laundry and mowing the lawn and moving on to summer jobs at McDonald's or a dry cleaner shop or wherever? What if all these young adults knew that nothing would be handed to them without effort, and work, that they need to work to earn and achieve and that there is immense satisfaction and blessing in that?
Picture that. Communities and our country and world filled with young adults who know how to achieve and contribute and thrive through discipline and effort while respecting those in charge and others. Now that would be an amazing environment in which to have political conversations and debates. Then you wouldn't have to create a fancy Instagram post to tell these young people that they need to go vote. They would already understand the importance of it.
So vote. Don't vote. I don't care if you do or don't. But raise your kids well. I promise the return on that investment of time and emotional energy will be much greater.
Having said all that, instead of getting all worked up about how good your preferred politician is or how bad their political party is, I have another idea.
Raise your kids well.That's right. Raise your kids well. Okay, so I've now probably lost those who don't have any children. If you do have children, or grandchildren, stick with me. What do you think is going to have a larger impact on the future of our country, our world: getting worked up about politics or raising your kids well? I know which one I'm choosing.
Let me be provide a few examples of what I'm referring to when I say raise your kids well.
Make your kids do what they are told. I know this is a hard one. We have a four-year-old. Sometimes we tell him to do something, and, especially when he's tired or irritated or hungry, he says, "I'm not gonna do it." What do you think happens next? Do you think we beg and plead with him and ask him please? Not quite. He's going to do that thing one way or the other, and he's probably going to face consequences for the way he responded. We can never be 100% on this. There will always be struggles. But be consistent.
I just recently read a book by Dr. Meg Meeker called Hero: Being the Strong Father Your Children Need. Great book. I highly recommend it. One thing she talks about is this notion that being restrictive in terms of what you allow your children to do will somehow damage them. Look, children need boundaries. They crave structure. They are dying for you to show that you care enough about them to protect them and to put in place rules that are ultimately for their good. They won't see it all the time, of course. But they also find comfort in knowing that they can freely explore within the boundaries that you have set. How wonderful for children to know that they can create and enjoy life within guidelines, and that they are safe there. Kids that feel loved and safe will flourish.
Don't try to be your children's friend. Your kids have enough friends. You are not their friend. You are their father, or their mother. Your children need you to discipline them when they do the wrong thing. Make sure the expectations are clear and that they understand. To be unclear is to be unkind (Dave Ramsey). When they violate the rules, they need to be punished. As they grow up, you will see the fruits of this sometimes uncomfortable action. Yes, they need to know that you are there for them. Of course you need to try to have a relationship where your kids feel like they can come tell you anything and talk through things. But don't mistake that for being worried that they will not like you if they do something they know they shouldn't and you discipline them. Your kids will feel loved and know that you care if you discipline them.
Make sure they know how to work. I will be the first to admit that my kids get way too much stuff without working for it. That's my opinion anyway. What can I say. They have grandparents and extended family who love to spoil them. We probably give them too many things too. I don't know. As parents we do try to make them work for things, and also work just to work. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to do work in life for rewards that aren't all that special. They help with the laundry. They help with the dishes. They help straighten up the living room. Their bedrooms are a disaster, but TJ has actually done really well with his in the last year or so. These things need to be done in a household to make it work. That is how life is sometimes.
If they play a sport, they have to work at it. They have to work to get better. There is satisfaction in a job well done. There are also rewards. They need to learn these things starting at a young age and gain a deeper understanding and appreciation as they grow and develop.
Those three things are pretty simple, right? I want you to think about this. What if all parents did these three things? How would that transform our country? What if we had a bunch of young adults who understood that when given instructions they should be completed? If not, there will be consequences. What if we had young adults who understood that it was okay to explore and enjoy and create within the boundaries or a civilized society? What if we had young adults who knew that there will be times when they get disciplined, and that is for their benefit? In a job, or in life, they know that if they get out of line they will be brought back to a place of productivity. What if we had young adults who had all been working their entire lives, starting at home with dishes and laundry and mowing the lawn and moving on to summer jobs at McDonald's or a dry cleaner shop or wherever? What if all these young adults knew that nothing would be handed to them without effort, and work, that they need to work to earn and achieve and that there is immense satisfaction and blessing in that?
Picture that. Communities and our country and world filled with young adults who know how to achieve and contribute and thrive through discipline and effort while respecting those in charge and others. Now that would be an amazing environment in which to have political conversations and debates. Then you wouldn't have to create a fancy Instagram post to tell these young people that they need to go vote. They would already understand the importance of it.
So vote. Don't vote. I don't care if you do or don't. But raise your kids well. I promise the return on that investment of time and emotional energy will be much greater.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
One Needy Momma
I don't know if you are like me, but I am one busy momma. While trying to raise three boys, I am also trying to be a good wife, teacher, businesswoman, friend, daughter, granddaughter, church member......the list goes on and on. I daily catch myself failing at one of these roles in my life. I try and try, but my trying never gets me very far.
This morning I was feeling like I was failing at being a good Christian. You guys know me. I am going to be honest to a fault. And here is my truth bomb for the day. I am TERRIBLE at daily Bible time. No matter what I do to try and make myself more successful--the set-up, the studies, the timing--I find myself always falling apart about 7-14 days in. All of a sudden I wake up to realize it's been three days since I have settled down to a study. This was one of those mornings.
But He is always on time and on target. I recently started using an app called "She Reads Truth." It's pretty interesting so far (the 5 days I have kept up with it). The first study I chose was called Hymns. I LOVE old hymns. They bring me back to my salvation days and often will speak to my heart in ways no new contemporary songs can. I enjoyed each of the studies, but today's spoke to me in a way that was on a personal, humbling level.
So there is this hymn called I Need Thee Every Hour. I have heard it a million times growing up in church. Honestly, never thought much through the lyrics or what it was about. But this study changed all of that in a couple of paragraphs. The author of the study, Amanda Williams, went through the study talking about her struggles while raising her toddler daughter. She talked about feeling like a failure. Of course, this hit a soft spot in me because.....wait, you read the first paragraph right? Anyway, she talked about how this song really hit home for her. She was a needy momma. She needed help in every aspect. The song goes like this--
For those of you who don't know (heavens knows I had no clue), Annie Hawks was just a mom, writing poetry, keeping up with her three kids in the 1800's. I stopped for a second and was like, hmmmmmmm.......an artist mom, raising three kids. I automatically felt a kinship with this woman I had never met or even heard of. Some days I feel like an artist and I am definitely raising three kids. Okay, so how much further did these similarities go? I popped out the good ole Google search and dug deeper. Checking into the always accurate and helpful Wikipedia, it told me about this woman was born on May 28th, 1836. HOLD UP. That is my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY YA'LL! We were born on the exact same day. I was like, "Okay God, what are you trying to tell me in all of this?" Here we go...an artist mom of three kids, married, born on the same day. Then I started to think about the time in which she was born. Think about it guys, she is living during the Civil War time period. Probably raising her kids during this turbulent craziness. I feel like I am raising my kids in a crazy and turbulent time as well.
This morning I was feeling like I was failing at being a good Christian. You guys know me. I am going to be honest to a fault. And here is my truth bomb for the day. I am TERRIBLE at daily Bible time. No matter what I do to try and make myself more successful--the set-up, the studies, the timing--I find myself always falling apart about 7-14 days in. All of a sudden I wake up to realize it's been three days since I have settled down to a study. This was one of those mornings.
But He is always on time and on target. I recently started using an app called "She Reads Truth." It's pretty interesting so far (the 5 days I have kept up with it). The first study I chose was called Hymns. I LOVE old hymns. They bring me back to my salvation days and often will speak to my heart in ways no new contemporary songs can. I enjoyed each of the studies, but today's spoke to me in a way that was on a personal, humbling level.
So there is this hymn called I Need Thee Every Hour. I have heard it a million times growing up in church. Honestly, never thought much through the lyrics or what it was about. But this study changed all of that in a couple of paragraphs. The author of the study, Amanda Williams, went through the study talking about her struggles while raising her toddler daughter. She talked about feeling like a failure. Of course, this hit a soft spot in me because.....wait, you read the first paragraph right? Anyway, she talked about how this song really hit home for her. She was a needy momma. She needed help in every aspect. The song goes like this--
For those of you who don't know (heavens knows I had no clue), Annie Hawks was just a mom, writing poetry, keeping up with her three kids in the 1800's. I stopped for a second and was like, hmmmmmmm.......an artist mom, raising three kids. I automatically felt a kinship with this woman I had never met or even heard of. Some days I feel like an artist and I am definitely raising three kids. Okay, so how much further did these similarities go? I popped out the good ole Google search and dug deeper. Checking into the always accurate and helpful Wikipedia, it told me about this woman was born on May 28th, 1836. HOLD UP. That is my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY YA'LL! We were born on the exact same day. I was like, "Okay God, what are you trying to tell me in all of this?" Here we go...an artist mom of three kids, married, born on the same day. Then I started to think about the time in which she was born. Think about it guys, she is living during the Civil War time period. Probably raising her kids during this turbulent craziness. I feel like I am raising my kids in a crazy and turbulent time as well.
WE LOOK PRETTY SIMILAR RIGHT?
Then I reread the hymn she wrote with fresh eyes. How many times have I been in the middle of a havoc-filled day and thought, "Lord, I am going to need you every second of these next few hours!!" It's a mom's thoughts....let's be honest. That crying infant, the whining toddler, the silent tweenager, the absent teenager, the frustrated hubby......it's all pushed us to the needy point. This song made me realize I am a needy mom. I NEED Him every hour, every second, every breath. And I am okay with being needy. Because let me tell you, I can't do this on my own. "In joy or pain, come quickly and abide" should be my hearts cry as a mother. Think about the ups and downs just in a few hours! The cuddles, then the screams! A mother can go from joy to pain in 0.3 seconds!
In my research on this wonderful poet, I realized she had one thing on me. She wrote this song that I feel like I would have written in a time of frustration, in a time of joy in her life. She says, "One day as a young wife and mother of 37 years of age (WHOA---I am 38! Just another comparison....), I was busy with my regular household tasks (ummmmm that is me right now....work, work, work, work, work--I know you just sang that popular song in your head too). Suddenly, I became so filled with the sense of nearness to the Master that, wondering how one could live without Him, either in joy or pain, these words, 'I need thee every hour,' were ushered into my mind, the thought at once taking full possession of me." (Quoted from cyberhymnal.org) Lord, I NEED that to hit me. I want to get that sense of nearness....even when I am struggling over one of our 9 million loads of laundry!
She goes on to say, "For myself, the hymn was prophetic rather than expressive of my own experiences, for it was wafted out to the world on the wings of love and joy, instead of under the stress of personal sorrow." (Quoted from Wikipedia) She was HAPPY and JOYFUL when these thoughts hit her. Folks, I sadly admit that it's only when I feel needy that these thoughts hit me. When I am joyful, I am not as thankful and as aware of my need. Ouch.....okay, so the comparisons stopped coming right there. When she talks about it being prophetic, she meant the words of the hymn she wrote would hit her later on. She eventually lost her husband and had to live life without him. She points out later on that her words would then soothe her in dealing with the loss of him.
Listen to me people. I am needy. I need Him every hour.....in joy and in suffering, in gain and in loss. I need to feel His presence when I am sweeping the floors, editing some family photos, or wiping a butt. I need to know that He's going to get me through a day where I have to begrudgingly go to the doctor for myself, celebrate with family, and finish all the editing on my plate. I am needy......and that's okay.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
If they're comfortable, they won't learn
It is certainly not our goal as parents to embarrass our kids for no reason, although it's not out of the ordinary for that to happen. However, there are times when making your child feel uncomfortable or putting them in a difficult situation can be helpful for their development. Jen and I don't really care if our kids are embarrassed because of us if it is for a good cause.
Today there were a couple of opportunities for us to help TJ grow in different areas, and we took full advantage. Last week we got an email about a big assignment the sixth graders at TFS were working on. It was a project that had elements of both English and world geography, so it was quite involved. Based on the conversations I had heard between TJ and his friend, I could tell that it was a big deal to them to do well.
Earlier this week, TJ's world geography teacher sent out an email inviting parents to come watch their kids present. I'm pretty sure some parents participated by preparing or bringing some food relative to the country their kid was discussing. We didn't do any of that. But what we did do, yeah, you guessed it, is show up for TJ's presentation. There weren't any other parents there, at least in the period TJ was in. Perhaps some others showed up in other periods. But he needs to get used to the fact that we are going to be there in the classroom pretty much any time we are invited!
Our boy was pretty nervous, Jen and I both observed. As soon as we walked into the classroom, Jen went over near TJ to introduce herself to his friends. And she gave him a kiss on the head. Just what a sixth-grade boy needs! Some of his friends were giving him a hard time about his little brother being there also, I think. The teacher asked for a volunteer to go first. TJ quickly said he would go first! That a boy, TJ! He did a great job explaining the characteristics of the country of Panama. We had practiced with him last night, following up on the practice he had done at school. Not only was he the first to present in his class at all as it was the first day of presentations this week, but he was also the only boy to present in class today.
Jen and I texted afterward when she got home. I told her I thought it was tougher for him with us being there. She hit the nail on the head in her response.
Today it happened that one of my colleagues came by to say hello and asked them a question. TJ did respond, I think, but barely acknowledged the adult standing in the doorway addressing them in conversation. When we left for the day, I told them both that when they are in my office and an adult comes to speak to them, they need to stop what they are doing and pay direct attention to the person engaging them. It can come across as rude, I continued, when you don't look up from whatever you are doing or barely utter a reply.
It probably embarrassed TJ a bit that I taught and corrected him in front of his friend, and that I corrected his friend as well. That's neither here nor there. He needs to learn the right way to do things, and we will never stop teaching him, no matter the situation.
The bottom line is, your kids and mine will never grow, they will never develop if they are not put in situations that are slightly distressing occasionally. They need to be continually pushed just outside the limits of their normal comfort zones and be forced to deal with and overcome and learn from those situations.
Stand strong parents! You can do it. It can be very difficult to watch your kids agonize and squirm in a place they are not familiar with. But do not lose sight that in the end, you will know that you have helped them develop in such a way to be a successful and responsible adult who contributes to the good in society. The Good Lord knows that we need more of those kinds of people, especially in this day and age.
 |
| Even in this, he wasn't necessarily appreciating my instruction! |
Today there were a couple of opportunities for us to help TJ grow in different areas, and we took full advantage. Last week we got an email about a big assignment the sixth graders at TFS were working on. It was a project that had elements of both English and world geography, so it was quite involved. Based on the conversations I had heard between TJ and his friend, I could tell that it was a big deal to them to do well.
Earlier this week, TJ's world geography teacher sent out an email inviting parents to come watch their kids present. I'm pretty sure some parents participated by preparing or bringing some food relative to the country their kid was discussing. We didn't do any of that. But what we did do, yeah, you guessed it, is show up for TJ's presentation. There weren't any other parents there, at least in the period TJ was in. Perhaps some others showed up in other periods. But he needs to get used to the fact that we are going to be there in the classroom pretty much any time we are invited!
Our boy was pretty nervous, Jen and I both observed. As soon as we walked into the classroom, Jen went over near TJ to introduce herself to his friends. And she gave him a kiss on the head. Just what a sixth-grade boy needs! Some of his friends were giving him a hard time about his little brother being there also, I think. The teacher asked for a volunteer to go first. TJ quickly said he would go first! That a boy, TJ! He did a great job explaining the characteristics of the country of Panama. We had practiced with him last night, following up on the practice he had done at school. Not only was he the first to present in his class at all as it was the first day of presentations this week, but he was also the only boy to present in class today.
Jen and I texted afterward when she got home. I told her I thought it was tougher for him with us being there. She hit the nail on the head in her response.
I think it's good for him to be uncomfortable in those situations because it's going to make him better. And that was a very tough situation for him to be in. He did a great job for what was thrown at him.At the end of the day, TJ and his friend came to my office. After basketball practice (it was tennis earlier in the year), the routine is that they come into my office at about 4:45 and wait until I get off at 5 to head home. Occasionally one of my colleagues comes by to say hello to them and chat. Oftentimes, TJ and his buddy aren't very interested in having a friendly conversation. More likely they are playing some game on their Chromebook (every TFS students gets one to use all year and take home).
Today it happened that one of my colleagues came by to say hello and asked them a question. TJ did respond, I think, but barely acknowledged the adult standing in the doorway addressing them in conversation. When we left for the day, I told them both that when they are in my office and an adult comes to speak to them, they need to stop what they are doing and pay direct attention to the person engaging them. It can come across as rude, I continued, when you don't look up from whatever you are doing or barely utter a reply.
It probably embarrassed TJ a bit that I taught and corrected him in front of his friend, and that I corrected his friend as well. That's neither here nor there. He needs to learn the right way to do things, and we will never stop teaching him, no matter the situation.
The bottom line is, your kids and mine will never grow, they will never develop if they are not put in situations that are slightly distressing occasionally. They need to be continually pushed just outside the limits of their normal comfort zones and be forced to deal with and overcome and learn from those situations.
Stand strong parents! You can do it. It can be very difficult to watch your kids agonize and squirm in a place they are not familiar with. But do not lose sight that in the end, you will know that you have helped them develop in such a way to be a successful and responsible adult who contributes to the good in society. The Good Lord knows that we need more of those kinds of people, especially in this day and age.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
-Proverbs 22:6
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Stop the Momshaming
It happens almost everywhere I go. I can see it in their eyes and in the wrinkles in their foreheads. Most recently, it was in a public restroom. We homeschool our middle child so he's with me a lot. (Yeah, I know....poor kid.) I walk him into the ladies restroom and directly into a stall. He closes the door to pee, while I race to the stall closest to him and speed pee (I could be an Olympic speed pee champion). I beat him because all of my boys do everything at their own pace. I bust out of the stall, all out of breath and head over to the sink. Reilly opens the stall and joins me at the sink. I am chatting away at just how gross his hands are when I look up to see an older woman basically staring at us in the mirror. She's standing at the sink, clearly not washing her hands and giving me the look. You know the one. We have all seen it before. I call it the momshaming frown. It's a mix of disgust and irritation, with a good helping of judgment on the side. At first, I thought it was because his hands were so gross (Reilly's hands are always dirty because #1--he's a boy and because #2--he's a boy.). But when I studied her a little closer, I realized she wasn't looking at his hands or really listening to what we were discussing. She was not happy that I had brought an 8 year old boy into the bathroom. It hit me that she thought he was too old to be in the women's bathroom with me. I have experienced this before, but it was more when I had ALL the boys with me in the restroom. It took everything I had not to say something, and I just dried our hands and left.
What is momshaming you ask? According to the Momionary, it is a verb that comes from the guilt language meaning to belittle, or to make someone feel stupid or incapable, in their God-given abilities as a mother. It's right in there next to #momsquad. Yep. Look it up.
Momshaming is an epidemic right now--especially on social media where moms can sit behind a keyboard and basically tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and why you should change. It's a pretty safe way to tear down another mom since they can't reach through their screen and throat punch you. (If I wasn't such a lady, I would have done that to the woman in the bathroom.) Just pull up Facebook these days and you will see article after article that explains why every decision you have ever made about your child, from conception to current day, is wrong. You see moms belittling each other over stuff as silly as bedtimes, feeding schedules, and butt wiping. Yes, I said butt wiping! (Did you know there was a wrong way to wipe a kid's butt? Yeah, me neither.) But if you put it out there, someone will tell you there is a better way to do it, and usually not in the nicest of terms.
There are a few types of momshamers I would like to identify to help you better understand what I'm talking about. Let's start out with an oldie, but a goodie. #1--Mywayorthehighway Shamer. "That's not how we did it in my day!" "You are totally doing it wrong; do it like this." "This is what works." These phrases are commonly heard from their lips. Sometimes, it's not even words but just looks. You can see it in their eyes that they think every little thing you are doing is stupid and needs to be done better. After the momshaming frown, they then tell you how they did it and why it's the best way. These momshamers often come in a variety of ages, but are often older than you. Don't get me wrong. I am all for sage advice, but don't look down on me for my youth (okay, okay--for my middle age). Raising kids today is not the same as it was even ten years ago. So please, take your shaming elsewhere.
#2--Tryingnottobutgoingtoshameyouanyway Shamer. "Yes, you could do it that way, but.......(Insert my way is better)." "Ohhh......that looks interesting, but do you really think you should do it like that?" This is the momshamer who doesn't really start out wanting to shame, and they really aren't intending to go into the conversation with that goal, but end up doing it anyway. A lot of times, these people are our friends, co-workers, mom group pals, or churchgoers. These are the folks that are going to say, "Bless your heart!" and you just know it's because they think you are totally messing it all up.
#3--Kamikaze Shamer. This is the one that hits you out of the blue with the shaming. These people will often post things on social media and you just know it's completely directed at what you fed your kids last night. (How did she even know? Is your iPhone sending her audio of what's going on?) Or the person who will bring you a pack of new socks after she catches you out with your barefoot baby in the summer. It's the thought that counts right?
These are just a few examples (need more, hit me up on our Facebook page at Happiness and Havoc), but I could go on and on. People we believe to be our friends will breathe fire in our faces as they explain to us what is wrong with us for not vaccinating our babies or for breastfeeding for only 3 weeks. People we don't even know point out that our kids are too loud at restaurants or give us the momshaming frown when our kids don't respond to their witty comment about their cuteness. Either they are too loud or too shy. They are going to give everyone smallpox, or they are going to shrivel up with side effects. They are too dirty, or they aren't outside as much to get dirty enough. We aren't watching them closely as we should, but be careful of helicopter parenting. Our kids need a cell phone in order to contact us if they get in a precarious situation, but they really shouldn't have one at all. It makes me want to scream.
It's completely within your rights to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean I want it or even care. I am getting up every day, doing my best to keep three boys from killing each other, while making sure they eat, bathe, learn about Jesus, get an education, be kind to others, have manners, respect their elders, love Duke basketball.......I mean, in all honesty, I don't have time for the shaming in all of that. And guess what? I have an opinion about things too. I think taking my 8 year old into the women's restroom keeps me from worrying that he's being molested or picked up by a sex trafficker in the men's room while I take my time peeing in my own bathroom. I think breastfeeding is awesome. I wish everyone could do it. My kids use tablets and computers (Reilly is currently learning to type like a champ). They may not have the newest and most awesome video games, but they do have some. I don't mind that their fingernails are dirty because that means they were outside digging like a boy should do. I am not big on pacifiers after the age of one. But you know what? I am not going to shame or judge a mom because her child is on formula. I am not going to sigh and give the frown to a mom who is walking around with their 4 year old with a pacifier. It's their kid. That's what they have chosen to do. I'm not raising their kid. I'm raising mine.
All that being said, it's time we start a trend. And while I love the #momsquad trend we talked about on Facebook the other day (You might be in #momsquad if things like dinosaurs and socks fall out of your car when you let your kid out at morning drop off at school.), I really believe we need something even better. Moms Against Momshamers. Okay, so MAM isn't the best name, but it could be. We need to stop the shaming and start building each other up. Instead of thinking our way is the only way, realize that kids and families are different. They have different challenges and sometimes, there is more than one way to handle the challenges. We need to build each other up instead of adding to the guilt that already invades our lives. You know exactly what I am talking about. The guilt that comes from worrying. Are we working too much or not enough? Are we leading by example or do we need to speak up more? Should we give them more vegetables or can they survive on fries for another year? I don't know about you, but some days, the guilt eats me alive. Then when I see that stupid article or image on Facebook about how I only have 7 more summers with TJ.......it all falls apart. That's why things like that are nice reminders for some, but for those of us who live each day with that reality hanging over their heads as a constant reminder that we aren't doing enough.....We don't need it. We are living it.
My encouragement today is for you to see one mom--whether she be Super Mom or Super Stressed Out Mom--and reach out with something positive. Say something kind. It doesn't take much, but it is a reach out of our comfort zones. I am telling you when you reach out to someone else, it takes the focus off yourself and you see the positive instead of the negative. It could be as simple as a kind word to a mom who has a kid melting down in the aisle at the grocery store. We have all been there. It could be stopping to pray with a mom who has a sick kid. It could be bringing them dinner. It might even be just scrolling past that shaming, judgmental comment on Facebook without a response. It doesn't make you a chicken or a wimp. It means you don't have time to deal with it because you are too busy being an awesome mom.
 |
| Dirty hands doth not maketh thou a bad mom. |
What is momshaming you ask? According to the Momionary, it is a verb that comes from the guilt language meaning to belittle, or to make someone feel stupid or incapable, in their God-given abilities as a mother. It's right in there next to #momsquad. Yep. Look it up.
Momshaming is an epidemic right now--especially on social media where moms can sit behind a keyboard and basically tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and why you should change. It's a pretty safe way to tear down another mom since they can't reach through their screen and throat punch you. (If I wasn't such a lady, I would have done that to the woman in the bathroom.) Just pull up Facebook these days and you will see article after article that explains why every decision you have ever made about your child, from conception to current day, is wrong. You see moms belittling each other over stuff as silly as bedtimes, feeding schedules, and butt wiping. Yes, I said butt wiping! (Did you know there was a wrong way to wipe a kid's butt? Yeah, me neither.) But if you put it out there, someone will tell you there is a better way to do it, and usually not in the nicest of terms.
There are a few types of momshamers I would like to identify to help you better understand what I'm talking about. Let's start out with an oldie, but a goodie. #1--Mywayorthehighway Shamer. "That's not how we did it in my day!" "You are totally doing it wrong; do it like this." "This is what works." These phrases are commonly heard from their lips. Sometimes, it's not even words but just looks. You can see it in their eyes that they think every little thing you are doing is stupid and needs to be done better. After the momshaming frown, they then tell you how they did it and why it's the best way. These momshamers often come in a variety of ages, but are often older than you. Don't get me wrong. I am all for sage advice, but don't look down on me for my youth (okay, okay--for my middle age). Raising kids today is not the same as it was even ten years ago. So please, take your shaming elsewhere.
#2--Tryingnottobutgoingtoshameyouanyway Shamer. "Yes, you could do it that way, but.......(Insert my way is better)." "Ohhh......that looks interesting, but do you really think you should do it like that?" This is the momshamer who doesn't really start out wanting to shame, and they really aren't intending to go into the conversation with that goal, but end up doing it anyway. A lot of times, these people are our friends, co-workers, mom group pals, or churchgoers. These are the folks that are going to say, "Bless your heart!" and you just know it's because they think you are totally messing it all up.
#3--Kamikaze Shamer. This is the one that hits you out of the blue with the shaming. These people will often post things on social media and you just know it's completely directed at what you fed your kids last night. (How did she even know? Is your iPhone sending her audio of what's going on?) Or the person who will bring you a pack of new socks after she catches you out with your barefoot baby in the summer. It's the thought that counts right?
These are just a few examples (need more, hit me up on our Facebook page at Happiness and Havoc), but I could go on and on. People we believe to be our friends will breathe fire in our faces as they explain to us what is wrong with us for not vaccinating our babies or for breastfeeding for only 3 weeks. People we don't even know point out that our kids are too loud at restaurants or give us the momshaming frown when our kids don't respond to their witty comment about their cuteness. Either they are too loud or too shy. They are going to give everyone smallpox, or they are going to shrivel up with side effects. They are too dirty, or they aren't outside as much to get dirty enough. We aren't watching them closely as we should, but be careful of helicopter parenting. Our kids need a cell phone in order to contact us if they get in a precarious situation, but they really shouldn't have one at all. It makes me want to scream.
It's completely within your rights to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean I want it or even care. I am getting up every day, doing my best to keep three boys from killing each other, while making sure they eat, bathe, learn about Jesus, get an education, be kind to others, have manners, respect their elders, love Duke basketball.......I mean, in all honesty, I don't have time for the shaming in all of that. And guess what? I have an opinion about things too. I think taking my 8 year old into the women's restroom keeps me from worrying that he's being molested or picked up by a sex trafficker in the men's room while I take my time peeing in my own bathroom. I think breastfeeding is awesome. I wish everyone could do it. My kids use tablets and computers (Reilly is currently learning to type like a champ). They may not have the newest and most awesome video games, but they do have some. I don't mind that their fingernails are dirty because that means they were outside digging like a boy should do. I am not big on pacifiers after the age of one. But you know what? I am not going to shame or judge a mom because her child is on formula. I am not going to sigh and give the frown to a mom who is walking around with their 4 year old with a pacifier. It's their kid. That's what they have chosen to do. I'm not raising their kid. I'm raising mine.
All that being said, it's time we start a trend. And while I love the #momsquad trend we talked about on Facebook the other day (You might be in #momsquad if things like dinosaurs and socks fall out of your car when you let your kid out at morning drop off at school.), I really believe we need something even better. Moms Against Momshamers. Okay, so MAM isn't the best name, but it could be. We need to stop the shaming and start building each other up. Instead of thinking our way is the only way, realize that kids and families are different. They have different challenges and sometimes, there is more than one way to handle the challenges. We need to build each other up instead of adding to the guilt that already invades our lives. You know exactly what I am talking about. The guilt that comes from worrying. Are we working too much or not enough? Are we leading by example or do we need to speak up more? Should we give them more vegetables or can they survive on fries for another year? I don't know about you, but some days, the guilt eats me alive. Then when I see that stupid article or image on Facebook about how I only have 7 more summers with TJ.......it all falls apart. That's why things like that are nice reminders for some, but for those of us who live each day with that reality hanging over their heads as a constant reminder that we aren't doing enough.....We don't need it. We are living it.
My encouragement today is for you to see one mom--whether she be Super Mom or Super Stressed Out Mom--and reach out with something positive. Say something kind. It doesn't take much, but it is a reach out of our comfort zones. I am telling you when you reach out to someone else, it takes the focus off yourself and you see the positive instead of the negative. It could be as simple as a kind word to a mom who has a kid melting down in the aisle at the grocery store. We have all been there. It could be stopping to pray with a mom who has a sick kid. It could be bringing them dinner. It might even be just scrolling past that shaming, judgmental comment on Facebook without a response. It doesn't make you a chicken or a wimp. It means you don't have time to deal with it because you are too busy being an awesome mom.
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