Stop the Momshaming

It happens almost everywhere I go. I can see it in their eyes and in the wrinkles in their foreheads. Most recently, it was in a public restroom. We homeschool our middle child so he's with me a lot. (Yeah, I know....poor kid.) I walk him into the ladies restroom and directly into a stall. He closes the door to pee, while I race to the stall closest to him and speed pee (I could be an Olympic speed pee champion). I beat him because all of my boys do everything at their own pace. I bust out of the stall, all out of breath and head over to the sink. Reilly opens the stall and joins me at the sink. I am chatting away at just how gross his hands are when I look up to see an older woman basically staring at us in the mirror. She's standing at the sink, clearly not washing her hands and giving me the look. You know the one. We have all seen it before. I call it the momshaming frown. It's a mix of disgust and irritation, with a good helping of judgment on the side. At first, I thought it was because his hands were so gross (Reilly's hands are always dirty because #1--he's a boy and because #2--he's a boy.). But when I studied her a little closer, I realized she wasn't looking at his hands or really listening to what we were discussing. She was not happy that I had brought an 8 year old boy into the bathroom. It hit me that she thought he was too old to be in the women's bathroom with me. I have experienced this before, but it was more when I had ALL the boys with me in the restroom. It took everything I had not to say something, and I just dried our hands and left.

Dirty hands doth not maketh thou a bad mom.

What is momshaming you ask? According to the Momionary, it is a verb that comes from the guilt language meaning to belittle, or to make someone feel stupid or incapable, in their God-given abilities as a mother. It's right in there next to #momsquad. Yep. Look it up.

Momshaming is an epidemic right now--especially on social media where moms can sit behind a keyboard and basically tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and why you should change. It's a pretty safe way to tear down another mom since they can't reach through their screen and throat punch you. (If I wasn't such a lady, I would have done that to the woman in the bathroom.) Just pull up Facebook these days and you will see article after article that explains why every decision you have ever made about your child, from conception to current day, is wrong. You see moms belittling each other over stuff as silly as bedtimes, feeding schedules, and butt wiping. Yes, I said butt wiping! (Did you know there was a wrong way to wipe a kid's butt? Yeah, me neither.) But if you put it out there, someone will tell you there is a better way to do it, and usually not in the nicest of terms.

There are a few types of momshamers I would like to identify to help you better understand what I'm talking about. Let's start out with an oldie, but a goodie. #1--Mywayorthehighway Shamer. "That's not how we did it in my day!" "You are totally doing it wrong; do it like this." "This is what works." These phrases are commonly heard from their lips. Sometimes, it's not even words but just looks. You can see it in their eyes that they think every little thing you are doing is stupid and needs to be done better. After the momshaming frown, they then tell you how they did it and why it's the best way. These momshamers often come in a variety of ages, but are often older than you. Don't get me wrong. I am all for sage advice, but don't look down on me for my youth (okay, okay--for my middle age). Raising kids today is not the same as it was even ten years ago. So please, take your shaming elsewhere.

#2--Tryingnottobutgoingtoshameyouanyway Shamer. "Yes, you could do it that way, but.......(Insert my way is better)." "Ohhh......that looks interesting, but do you really think you should do it like that?"  This is the momshamer who doesn't really start out wanting to shame, and they really aren't intending to go into the conversation with that goal, but end up doing it anyway. A lot of times, these people are our friends, co-workers, mom group pals, or churchgoers. These are the folks that are going to say, "Bless your heart!" and you just know it's because they think you are totally messing it all up.

#3--Kamikaze Shamer. This is the one that hits you out of the blue with the shaming. These people will often post things on social media and you just know it's completely directed at what you fed your kids last night. (How did she even know? Is your iPhone sending her audio of what's going on?) Or the person who will bring you a pack of new socks after she catches you out with your barefoot baby in the summer. It's the thought that counts right?

These are just a few examples (need more, hit me up on our Facebook page at Happiness and Havoc), but I could go on and on. People we believe to be our friends will breathe fire in our faces as they explain to us what is wrong with us for not vaccinating our babies or for breastfeeding for only 3 weeks. People we don't even know point out that our kids are too loud at restaurants or give us the momshaming frown when our kids don't respond to their witty comment about their cuteness. Either they are too loud or too shy. They are going to give everyone smallpox, or they are going to shrivel up with side effects. They are too dirty, or they aren't outside as much to get dirty enough. We aren't watching them closely as we should, but be careful of helicopter parenting. Our kids need a cell phone in order to contact us if they get in a precarious situation, but they really shouldn't have one at all. It makes me want to scream.

It's completely within your rights to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean I want it or even care. I am getting up every day, doing my best to keep three boys from killing each other, while making sure they eat, bathe, learn about Jesus, get an education, be kind to others, have manners, respect their elders, love Duke basketball.......I mean, in all honesty, I don't have time for the shaming in all of that. And guess what? I have an opinion about things too. I think taking my 8 year old into the women's restroom keeps me from worrying that he's being molested or picked up by a sex trafficker in the men's room while I take my time peeing in my own bathroom. I think breastfeeding is awesome. I wish everyone could do it. My kids use tablets and computers (Reilly is currently learning to type like a champ). They may not have the newest and most awesome video games, but they do have some. I don't mind that their fingernails are dirty because that means they were outside digging like a boy should do. I am not big on pacifiers after the age of one. But you know what? I am not going to shame or judge a mom because her child is on formula. I am not going to sigh and give the frown to a mom who is walking around with their 4 year old with a pacifier. It's their kid. That's what they have chosen to do. I'm not raising their kid. I'm raising mine.

All that being said, it's time we start a trend. And while I love the #momsquad trend we talked about on Facebook the other day (You might be in #momsquad if things like dinosaurs and socks fall out of your car when you let your kid out at morning drop off at school.), I really believe we need something even better. Moms Against Momshamers. Okay, so MAM isn't the best name, but it could be. We need to stop the shaming and start building each other up. Instead of thinking our way is the only way, realize that kids and families are different. They have different challenges and sometimes, there is more than one way to handle the challenges. We need to build each other up instead of adding to the guilt that already invades our lives. You know exactly what I am talking about. The guilt that comes from worrying. Are we working too much or not enough? Are we leading by example or do we need to speak up more? Should we give them more vegetables or can they survive on fries for another year? I don't know about you, but some days, the guilt eats me alive. Then when I see that stupid article or image on Facebook about how I only have 7 more summers with TJ.......it all falls apart. That's why things like that are nice reminders for some, but for those of us who live each day with that reality hanging over their heads as a constant reminder that we aren't doing enough.....We don't need it. We are living it.

My encouragement today is for you to see one mom--whether she be Super Mom or Super Stressed Out Mom--and reach out with something positive. Say something kind. It doesn't take much, but it is a reach out of our comfort zones. I am telling you when you reach out to someone else, it takes the focus off yourself and you see the positive instead of the negative. It could be as simple as a kind word to a mom who has a kid melting down in the aisle at the grocery store. We have all been there. It could be stopping to pray with a mom who has a sick kid. It could be bringing them dinner. It might even be just scrolling past that shaming, judgmental comment on Facebook without a response. It doesn't make you a chicken or a wimp. It means you don't have time to deal with it because you are too busy being an awesome mom.