On friendship

Many years ago, I remember my mom and dad sitting me down and talking to me about choosing friends. They thought it was such an important topic that we actually had multiple discussions about it. They often explained why I wouldn't be able to go with certain friends, or why sometimes it was best to walk away from other friends. At the time, the information was more irritating and frustrating for me than anything.

Thennnnn....I got older. I realize now that the friends I keep not only say a lot about me, but encourage me to stay on the right path. Anthony and I were falling madly in love again on a date at the BBQ Shack awhile back, (Well, let's be honest, I was falling in love with my very tasty chicken and stew) and started talking about personal friends of ours that had come to us for advice, to vent, or to help find a solution to a problem. We also talked about looking to our friends for advice for ourselves or to help us think through an issue.

It was at that moment that it really hit home for me--my parents were totally right. I mean, I saw it when I was a kid, but I think the irritation I had about it blinded me to the real truth of it all. What kid wants their parents to give them advice about friends, right?
    
People, let's be honest. If a friend of ours comes to us complaining about their husband or wife, we often commiserate right? "Oh yeah! My husband is a total butt too! I mean just the other day he......."
Even worse, we might start talking about how awful the person they are talking about is--and in that moment, we become the kind of friend my parents warned me about so many years ago.
    
Of course, at this point you are probably wondering what kind of hoodlums my parents were warning me against. First, they warned me against people who would tempt me to jeopardize my stance as a Christian. That was always first and foremost. Anyone who would lead me away from Christ was not someone I wanted to hang with regularly. They also warned about the dramatic friends. Ladies, you know these folks. They are the ones that encourage the gossip and the back stabbing. The ones who still get that high off the middle school drama and live each new day for something--more like someone--to destroy. The third type were the "Beat-you-down-so-I-feel-better" friends. Men and women are both culprits in this. "My job is just so awesome and you know you wish you could be me." "My kids are just angels in the grocery store! I don't think I have ever had to peel even one of them from the toy or candy aisle. They would NEVER behave so savagely." There were many others, but these were some of the most prevalent at the stage of life I was in at the time.
    
As Anthony and I discussed some good advice he had given his friend, I thought to myself, "What would have happened had he encouraged him in a more negative direction?" How many times has a friend of mine come to me and vented about their husband, kids, and/or friends and I have just jumped right in and either bashed them or someone close to me? This made me reevaluate what kind of friend I truly am to others.
    
As women, I think we tend to fall into this trap a little more than men. Probably because our conversations are more in-depth and longer than men. That is to say we blab way more than they do. Plus, sometimes I feel like I have to relate to the person talking to me so I might go into a similar story to show they are not alone. But how often does that come across as total validation to the point that their husband really is a total doofus? Let's get one thing straight. My husband makes mistakes, but one thing he is not is a doofus. He never needs to be portrayed that way to others, nor does anyone else I tend to share about to friends. My intention never was to make him out that way either, but looking back, I wonder if it made others feel that way.
    
I want to be more like my husband in the way he gives advice to his friends. He is kind. He comes across as understanding without sharing stories about how I mess up. All of his advice lines up with the Word of God and is backed by that truth. I will totally be upfront with you right here. A lot of times, my advice lines up with what I have experienced. That's not always a bad thing, but it's not always the best way. God's ways are often not my ways, so making sure my advice lines up with His truth lines up with that first thing my parents warned me about. I will be a friend who does not jeopardize someone's walk with Christ or their knowledge of the truth.
   
One thing I can't stand in my life is drama. In school, you have many dramatic times. (Thank you hormones and boys!) You also have many dramatic friends. There are always secrets to be had and lies to spread. It drove me crazy then and it does today. For some people though, the need for drama is like their need for oxygen. They can't live without it, and if they aren't part of some, they will go out actively looking for it in order to get their fill for the day. Even though I hate it, there are still some moments I get caught up in it. Even men can fall prey to the drama predator. I have seen men get involved in petty schemes just to get ahead. I will be a friend who doesn't add to the overwhelming drama of this world. I will be your drama free zone.
    
The easiest thing in the world to be is a bully. Believe me, I know this one to be very true. Even the nicest person in the world can revert to bully-ish tendencies without a thought. Think about bullies. What are they doing? They are tearing others down to make themselves feel better. It gives them satisfaction. I think most people reading this would not call themselves a bully. But have you ever had that moment where, maybe not even on purpose, you said words that put your friend down, but lifted you up? I will admit, I have done it. Maybe I was having a not-so-good day and they just happened to be there. I honestly believe that we all have a bully inside us, ready to rear its ugly head when given the chance. Some of us just let that bully out more than others. I also think that there are people who let the bully loose and don't even realize what they are doing. For instance, someone very close to me had a very good friend who spent the majority of their time together talking about how great their life was and went on and on about their life. The other person, hardly got to share anything in the conversation. When they did try to share, the "conversation bully" as I like to call them, would turn the conversation back to them and how their story was better. I witnessed this once when they invited me to dinner with them. I was blown away and thought to myself, am I always trying to one-up my friends or do I really listen? Am I putting them down to lift myself up? I didn't like the answer that I came up with. I will be friend who isn't a bully, even unconsciously. I will be a friend who truly listens and builds you up even when my day may be the worst. I will not be a "one-upper."
    
What kind of friend are you? Would people even call you a friend? Do you even get the opportunities to make these kind of promises? When I asked myself these questions, I realized I wasn't even giving myself many opportunities to be a friend, much less be a good one. So here's my manifesto--I will make time to be a friend. In that time I will be a good one. I will be a friend that doesn't ask you to compromise your walk with our Father or I will do my best to lead you to him. I will be your drama and judgment free space where you can come and be yourself. I will not be a one upping bully who puts her needs before yours. I will be a friend your parents would encourage you to choose.
   
Now go check out our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/happinessandhavocblog/. Leave a comment telling us what you look for in a friend? What kind of friends do you warn your kids against? What's your advice on how to be a good friend?

Two words were my downfall (okay...maybe it was more than that)

Let me set the stage. Monday early afternoon (Memorial Day so I was off work), Day 4 of Jen's birthday weekend extravaganza celebration (also known as Jenapalooza). I was doing the dishes, the boys were upstairs cleaning their rooms to get ready for a friend coming over the next day, and Jen was somewhere in the house doing something (I don't know what). Jen comes to me with car keys in hand and says, "I'm going to town." I said, "Going to town? What do you mean 'Going to town'?" "What I said, going to town." "What does that mean? Going to town to do what?" "I don't know I'm just going to go to town and go around and do stuff." "What town, around here?" "I don't know." "Well, do you want us to go with you or do you want to go alone?" "Whatever it doesn't matter." "Okay well I was just going to clean for now and I know the boys need to finish cleaning their rooms." "Okay well I'm going to go so I can get out of the house. I'm not going to spend all day sitting around here." "Well do you want us to come with you or not?" "It doesn't matter, but I am going." "Okay, go ahead and I will have to stay and monitor the boys." "Fine, I'm not going."

There was more to it after that, mostly after Jen sat on the couch me "encouraging" her to get out of the house. I don't think I got the quotes verbatim, but it's pretty close and gives you the idea. Do you see where I messed up? It was one word. Maybe two. "...have to..." I think things would have ended better if I had just omitted those two words. Maybe not, though. Jen says my tone stinks. My mom always said that too. So even when I don't say the wrong thing I usually say it the wrong way. I tell Jen to just think the *best* of me, that no matter my tone my intentions were good and I have her best interest in mind. Besides, I'm monotone! I can't help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Was that an appropriate use of a thousand exclamation points, ladies?)

Let me explain my thought process here from the beginning. Jen does not like to be alone. She doesn't like to go places alone. One might think that since she is around the three boys all day most days that she would want to leave the house by herself occasionally. That's not the case. She does not like to be alone. Sometimes I try to get her just to go drive around or go to Walmart or whatever store on her own. She doesn't like to do that. She likes to be around people (except for when she doesn't).

So when she came to me saying she was leaving to "go to town," I couldn't believe that she actually wanted to leave by herself. I would have been perfectly fine with that, of course. But I kept prying and pushing because I assumed she didn't really want to go alone. So I was trying to figure out what she really wanted in this case, because she was not just coming out and telling me.

Normally I would have just told the boys to get ready because we were gonna head out. But in this case, I knew they needed to finish cleaning their rooms so the friend could come over. So I felt obligated to make sure they did that. So there was part of the struggle, trying to decide which thing was more important at that time, making sure the boys finished with their rooms or making sure my wife's wants or needs were fulfilled.

Another part of my thought process, to be honest, was trying to figure out why in the world she wanted to leave the house. We had been out with friends and had a great time on Friday for dinner and the escape experience. Saturday was lunch with the family at Bar-b-que Shack in Toccoa and then she went shopping for a while in Commerce. Sunday was church and then Moe’s for dinner and some shopping. Here we were on Monday, me thinking we had enjoyed a full weekend and ready to wind down for the week ahead.

The problem was this. Jen had taken the weekend off from work. In case you don't know, she works pretty much every day. If she doesn't have one or more shoots scheduled in a day, she is editing and doing other necessary things for the business. Most days she is doing both. She has sessions almost every Saturday and most Sundays. She works all the time, and she works very hard. But when she takes a weekend off of work, she doesn't want to sit around and relax. She is not an introvert. She wants to be out doing things, seeing people, enjoying life, experiencing things. It's the same thing on vacation. We can relax when we're dead. She wants to be out doing things. And I have really come to appreciate that about her.

So one thing that I finally have learned after this weekend's experience is that if she has scheduled a weekend to not work, by golly I better have that weekend jam packed full of stuff to do. And next time I will try my darndest.

Actually we talked a few minutes after our discussion and after I tried to encourage (really force) her to leave the house. I came to her and explained that I was pushing and pushing because I really was trying to understand what her wishes were at that moment. Did she really want to leave alone? Did she want to get away from the rest of us? Did she want us all to go? I explained how I couldn't believe she actually wanted to go by herself because of how she doesn't like to be alone. Then, I really messed up in the way I said the last sentence. I explained to her that what I really meant was that it was okay that she was going, but I was trying to convey that I could not go because I needed to monitor the boys and make sure they were doing what they needed to be doing.

From her perspective, I kept pushing and pushing, and the last sentence was the last straw. She further explained that she has to be home ALL THE TIME. She wanted that weekend to be a time where she didn't have to sit in the house. She truly just wanted to get out of the house. And now I understand that better.

In the end we decided to load up the car and drive down to Sams Club, which closed at 6 after we arrived at 5:55. Then we went to Goodwill where we found a really nice dresser for $60. We're not sure yet what we're going to do with it, but it was a good deal we thought. And we went to eat at Little Italy. So that was our third day out of four driving to Gainesville or further south. It turned out okay.

As I mentioned, I learned a couple of lessons (again). One or two words, or my tone, can make all the difference in what I mean to say and what Jen hears me say (with her pink ears). I also learned that when Jen has a weekend without work she wants to do stuff outside the house, no matter what the other circumstances. I think I also learned instead of asking a bunch of the same questions different ways it's probably better for me to get straight to the point and say what's going on in my mind so that she can help me understand. One thing I know is that she wants me to speak up more, even if it's going to make her mad. What so cool is I was able to make her mad in this case without even speaking up. Now that takes talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!