Peace on Earth?

Originally published to Facebook several years ago...

I know you have heard the "Christmas" story from the Bible. When I was a kid there was a certain verse that really confused me. 

Luke 2:14
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

And you're thinking to yourself, what is so confusing about that? It's pretty straight forward, isn't it? Well, I didn't get it, either because I was thinking about it the wrong way or because I am just not very smart. I kept thinking, why would the angels say peace on earth and good will toward men? Why would God put that in there? First of all, there isn't peace on earth. There is war everywhere, and it seems that few people can agree on much of anything. Where's the peace? 

Then there's the part about goodwill. All the time during the Christmas season you hear about "goodwill" to your fellow man. "This is the season of peace and goodwill." That is the type of thing that is said. Maybe it is true that during this time most people tend to give more to those who are needy. I don't know. 

But the question still remained, why would the angels say this to the shepherds? Peace on earth? Good will toward men? I just don't get it.

Then it hit me. I know why I don't get it. These words are coming from God's perspective. Let's think back to Adam and Eve. Early on they were at peace with God. They were able to commune with him without any problem. Then it happened. Sin. There it is. It changed everything. 

Suddenly man knew it couldn't measure up to God, and couldn't be close to him. So man had to hide, without any close communication or relationship to a holy god. That is, until Christmas. If someone asks me what Christmas is all about, I'll quote Luke 2:14. Through that little baby, who came to us in the most humble of circumstances, God has made a way. God restored the relationship between himself and man-you and me.

To sum up, the angels were telling us that, after all the hundreds and thousands of years that man had to hide from God's presence because of his (man's) wickedness, now there was a way for there to be "peace on earth," between God and man, not between man and man. Jesus was a representation of God's "goodwill toward men." Aren't you glad that Almighty God has goodwill toward you?

So don't miss it. In all the business and presents and food and family. Don't miss what Christmas is about. It's about God making a way for you to be close to him, for the creature to again be close to his Creator. As the Christmas classic Hark the Herald Angels Sing states, "God and sinners reconciled..." Are you taking advantage of this gift? Am I...?

Stressing over Stress

It's that time of the year again. The push of three holidays right in a row. The shorter days that turn into very long nights. Family interactions that can either be uplifting or a complete nightmare. Social events where people expect you not only to show up, but participate like a normal human in a normal society. All in all, it is the most wonderful time of the year, but it's also the most stressful time of the year.

Yeah, yeah.....I know. If you follow me at all on any social media outlet, you know I talk about my stress level. It usually peaks around holidays because of the type of business that I run, but it also pretty much runs me ragged just about any time of the year. So I decided to sit down and try to identify some of the root causes for me and hope that it might just help you identify yours!

So I here I sit with my pen and paper wondering why in the world am I so stressed out. It's more than just a hectic work schedule, balancing three kids and a husband, a barely existent social life and crazy holiday activities. There are root causes as to what gets me to the point where I am ready to have a panic attack and crawl into bed to never come out.

First thing I write down--I think I am in control of EVERYTHING. I am not kidding. I am that person that thinks that they can juggle a lot of balls and the performance will come out something like a stellar cirque du soleil act. You know, the ones where people flip around on strings and bars and do amazing things. Well, probably not while juggling, but you get my point. And the truth is, I am more like that kid in clown school who is just learning how to juggle with two feet planted on the ground. And it's not turning out quite like he planned. The balls inevitably fall and I find myself failing in not just one area but two or three. The stress rises as each ball flies into the air. With each one that I don't catch, it starts to take my breath away until I feel like I need an oxygen tank to keep going.

Not only do I take on and try to control a lot, I hate to let go of things and trust other people to help me with anything. You have heard the old saying, "If you want things done right, you need to do it yourself," right? Well, it's like a motto for me. I know it drives Anthony crazy. He doesn't tell me that, but I feel it in my bones. I do trust him, but sometimes, letting go of something and letting him handle it can cause me so much stress. Again, the oxygen tank needs to be brought out of storage.

So after writing down number one, what's my action to dealing with this root cause? Well, I write down--I DON'T HAVE CONTROL. Literally that big and in a loud voice yelling it at myself. Seriously! What was I thinking? I can't control the weather on mini session days. I can't control when my kids become ill or when I fall off of a ledge and mess up my ankle. I can't even control my holiday preparation plan. Things happen that will throw it off. For instance, I have been so stressed because my kids carved their pumpkin the day after Halloween. It broke my heart that I had somehow fallen down on my job as a mother. Yesterday, I realized that I needed to let it go and we went and bought a Mickey Mouse set to dress up our other pumpkin on our front porch. (And yes, it was over half off since Halloween was over.)

So if I don't have control, who does? Well, that my friends, is something I know in my head but I don't often internalize and take to heart. GOD. Plain and simple, He has my back and knows how all of this will turn out. All He asks me to do is--"Trust in the Lord and do what is good; dwell in the land and live securely. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit your way to the Lord; Trust in Him, and He will act, making your righteousness shine like the dawn, justice like noonday. Be silent before the Lord and wait expectantly for Him..." (Psalm 37) But doing those things means intentionally letting go of my thinking that I actually control things and handing over my stress. And let me tell you, for some strange reason I am like Gollum when it comes to letting go. (My Precioussssssss........)

Second thing I write down--refusing any kind of me time. This was hard for me to realize. A few weeks ago, some friends invited me out to dinner. I told both of them I couldn't make it because I was working that evening and I wouldn't have time to clean up and I would probably be tired. I stressed about saying no. I stressed about saying yes. Finally, Anthony told me I was going and I ended up having a great time. It gave me some down time to destress and think about things other than those that weighed heavy on my mind.

When I go to the store, I typically don't go alone. When I go to the bathroom, most likely there are other people in my stall. When I eat, there is someone at my elbow. No matter what I do and when I do it, I am constantly reminded that it's not about me. So when I do think about doing something for me, I feel guilty about it.

What's my action to dealing with this? I will not let stress, tiredness, time crunches, neediness, etc, get in the way of me taking care of myself or taking time off. Doing something to take care of me will help make me a better juggler.

The third thing I wrote down was seeing my circumstances as huge instead of my God as huge. A lot of times, all I can see is the negative. Every single time I put my children in a car that is not driven by me, I envision every single bad thing that could happen. My mind goes crazy. I don't focus on how grateful I am that He provided someone to help me get my kids where they need to go. I don't think about how He protects them every day from unseen dangers and attacks. I focus on the negative. My God is bigger than all my problems--even the ones that come with big stress. In fact, He is bigger than the biggest stress.

I am going to admit it, sometimes I allow my problems to make my God look small. He is bigger than anything I could ever face! Yeah, I may disappoint someone or not do something right. I may miss a deadline or forget to carve a pumpkin. But those mistakes are small in comparison to making the mistake to not trust God for everything. I also started thinking about how I worry so much about disappointing others! Man, if I worried about disappointing God half as much, maybe I wouldn't have time to worry about the other side of that!

So what's my action for this one? Stay up on my Bible time. It's a great reminder that, "My God is big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do!" That means I have to get up and focus on it. That's easier said than done when you work some late nights or have a kid who can't sleep during the night. Yet, I find that it's worth it. On those days I get up and start my day with Him, I tend to do better with the stress.

So what are some of your root causes of stress? Share them with us! I bet there is an action you can take to combat it!

That was the night before Christmas

In the past, I was always one of those people who was not in favor of Christmas songs and decorations coming before Thanksgiving, Most people fit into one of the two camps on that. But when I married my wife, it would have been hard to not absorb some of the year-round Christmas spirit. She loves everything about the Christmas time of year, from the music, to the movies, to the gifts, to the family time, to the focus on Christ.

I grew up in a family where Christ was undoubtedly preeminent, but the Christmas celebration was not a big focus. I would get irritated when people would start singing Christmas songs or do Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving. I was Charlie Brown, thinking Christmas was too commercialized. Well, it is, as we all know. But I've changed.

This afternoon after lunch I asked the boys to clean the living room. Of course that set off all kinds of weeping and wallowing in pity. And I was going to put Pandora on the TV, which they thoroughly do not enjoy. I asked TJ what he wanted, and he wanted Christmas music. So I set it to the Toby Mac Holiday channel. I loved singing along.

I've come to realize that for a Christian, a follower of Christ, Christmas is all year long. Joy fills my heart when I sing those songs, the songs that remind us that God almighty came in the flesh to save us, you and me. The most unlikely of circumstances changed everything for humanity.

During the cleaning time, a song came on that I think beautifully tells the story. The night before Christmas, there was no hope. Then Hope arrived.

Empty manger,
Perfect stranger,
About to be born.
Into darkness, sadness,
Desperate madness, creation so torn.
We were so lost on earth,
No peace, no worth.
No way to escape.
In fear, no faith, no hope,
No grace, and no light
But that was the night before Christmas.
Warm hay, cold sweat, a mother, not yet.
Praying godspeed the dawn.
She looks to her man, holding her hand.
They wonder how long.
And the shepherds,
Wise men come to find them,
And bow to a king.
One star above shining on love,
So bright it lit up the night before Christmas. 

And the world didn't know mercy was meek and so mild.
And the world didn't know that truth was as pure as a child.
The night before Christmas.
The night before Christmas. 

And the world didn't know,
Redemption was sweet and so strong.
And the world didn't know salvation was writing a song.
The night before christmas.
The night before christmas.
The night before christmas.
Empty manger, perfect stranger, about to be born.

So, celebrate Christmas anytime and all the time. Take joy in the arrival of Jesus all year long. Don't forget to have a thankful heart at Thanksgiving, and always. But, Jesus, he made the difference, and that should on the forefront of our thoughts. If you don't know Him, I wish you would. 

I Am Not Enough

It’s another week gone by here in the Cox household and I have made the usual amount of mistakes and goof-ups. I sit here and recount every overreaction, every pile of unwashed laundry, every naggy comment--if it’s negative, I have dredged it back up. Not to mention I had some extra worries added to my pile of stress over the last couple of weeks. Looking in the mirror, I see the saggy eyelids and dark circles and say to myself, “You are not enough.”

You are probably wondering why it took me so long to come to that conclusion. I mean, how many times do you have to read this blog or watch our live chats to know that I am definitely not enough. Well, part of it was, for a few years now, I have been reading blog posts and articles that claimed that even in my imperfections, I was enough. It was encouraging! Reading about moms who had the same problems, yet their kids were turning out great and life was still moving for them. Their kids were not irreversibly screwed up yet and their husbands were still happy to be in the same house with them. I am pretty sure I have even blogged somewhere on here saying, it’s okay, no matter how you feel, you are enough.

Well, I have changed my mind. I am not enough.

The epiphany occurred about two weeks ago. I got some pretty crappy news and my well-laid out plans took a massive hit. I was depressed, anxious, and to be quite honest, pretty angry. I have been working extremely hard, and right in the midst of the busy season, I get smacked with even more stress. I kept looking at the situation and realized, no matter how I come at this, I am not enough. I can’t move fast enough (thanks crappy old body that can’t properly heal from an ankle sprain), I can’t make enough money, I can’t be around enough, I can’t do enough, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…….I am just not enough.

It’s pretty frustrating to be a wife, mom, business owner, homemaker, etc who is not enough. People judge you by the house you keep, the behavior of your kids, by the happiness of your husband--shoot, even by the meals you cook. People judge and judge and judge. I am going to be totally honest with you. If you are judging me right now by the state of my house or my cooking, you will be very much disappointed. I don’t do either very well.

It’s stressful. I could feel the ropes I was tightly hanging on to starting to fray and snap. I started to get that chest tightening fear that I get when the load starts to get too heavy to bear. My prayers start with, “Lord, I am not sure I can deal with much more…..” I am just not enough.

Here is the good news. I don’t have to be enough. In fact, I am not built to be enough. Sin has destroyed our ability to be enough. Romans 3:23 is a great reminder! “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Ya’ll, I don’t just fall short, I free fall from it. It almost looks like I am running in the opposite direction from it some days! I don’t typically do it on purpose, but my faith isn’t always what it should be.

Here’s the even better news! Guess who is enough? Yep. It’s Jesus Christ. He came to this world to be what we need in order to be enough. He stands in the gap for us. Romans 5:8 says, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Even while we’re not enough, He still loved us enough to send his only son to make us enough. I don’t know if you are reading this as a parent, but have you thought about that? Do you love people enough to give up your only child (or any of your children for that matter) for them? I know I would be horrible at that.

Here’s what we need to think about. If we were enough, would we recognize our need for a Savior? If we felt like we had it all together and were just cruising through life, would we take the time to get to know the One who created us? I truly doubt that would happen. It’s in the moments of not being enough that we let Him step in and be the bridge that takes us to the other side. He’s the puzzle piece we need in order to be complete. No matter how hard we try, no matter how hard we work, we can never be enough without Jesus. We need Him to make us completely whole.

So now, on these days when I know I am not enough, it’s okay. This feeling is my reminder that I can be with His help. I just have to let Him make me whole. No, that is not easy. Letting go of the control I think I have is tough. But I want to be enough…..I ache after and strive for it. That innate desire we feel is more a desire for Him--the need to be whole. Without Him, we just aren’t. So the next time you feel like you aren’t enough, relax and let him do the rest.

When it just never stops

This is a post about solidarity. This is a message to stick with it. This is a note of encouragement, I guess. Or more it's just a post to say we know where you are because we've been there too. 

We're there right now. Life is good. But life with children can be exasperating and tiring. When you have a sick toddler, and the sickness is causing that toddler to not sleep, days are long and nights are short. The nights are short because sleep escapes you.

Our little one has a cough. I think it's never going to go away. I've prayed for healing. I've asked for it to end. But it doesn't. It won't. So I'm tired. Jen's tired. We're all tired. 

The other night, I knew Jen would have a busy few days coming up and needed rest. I told her I would get up with Jase when he coughs and tries to help. So I did. I'm not sure how much I helped. Actually I think what I did was slightly counterproductive. Apparently yelling at a toddler to "just stop coughing" isn't very effective.

The latest fun a few minutes ago was me getting Jase chocolate milk and Jase screaming because he didn't want the heart straw. We ran out of plastic straws. All we had for the kids Moe's cup was a paper straw with hearts on it. That wasn't acceptable. TJ and Reilly were about to take a shower and were yelling at each other about who was going to clean the hair out of the tub or who was going to get in first (Yes, I'm a hairy guy with a lot of hair. I leave hair in the tub, not on purpose.).

We've been to the doctor, and I'm hopeful it's getting better. It will. But, for now, it's rough. So for those of you who have been there, just understand where I'm coming from and know you're not alone. No lesson here. Just a shout out to all those parents who can relate. We'll make it!

Why I don't blog

Sort of a strange title for a blog post. But I haven't posted in a while, so I needed to post. Jen and I have a problem when it comes to doing anything...we want to do it perfectly. Many of you can relate. If you're going to do something, anything, and take up any amount of time doing it, you want it to be good. Not just okay, but really good. 

So when I think about making a blog post, I want it to be worthwhile and valuable and something that will draw attention and provide encouragement or help to others. But, you know what, those ideas are often difficult for me to generate. It's true, and that's the main reason there a huge gaps in between my blogs.

If I have an idea for a blog, most likely it would be a boring one to the Happiness and Havoc community. If I were to do a live blog about what's on my mind, most of you wouldn't be interested in learning about  a new phone I saw that is only $200 and has a 5,000 mAh battery. That doesn't interest you. Or I could write again about our car search. Yeah, it's still on my mind because the issue has not been settled yet, but you don't want to hear about that.

There's another reason I don't blog. I don't think what I have to say will be very interesting. I said this to Jen, and I believe it. My writing or my participation in video blogs can be boring! I'm not searching for encouragement here. Really. I am simply telling you what goes on in my mind when I think through these things. Jen is the fun and entertaining one. I'm the boring, nerdy, monotone one who was never and never will be the funny one in my family. I've come to terms with that. But it's why I don't write much.

So I don't want to put out content just for the sake of adding another post. I want it to be meaningful and interesting and worthwhile and entertaining to the reader. That's why I don't blog much.

I haven't given this one much thought. Jen hasn't read it. But I'm going to post it. And next I might post about that phone I mentioned with the big battery. If you don't want to read it, I'm gonna try to be okay with that.

Confessions from the Gynecologist’s Office

I am like every other woman in the world—busy. To say I had put off my “lady doctor” appointment is an understatement. My next appointment was scheduled for three years ago. Of course, I put it off because, not only am I a busy mother of three children, business owner, homeschool teacher, and crazy person, it’s not my favorite experience in the world. I am going to be honest right here folks. I absolutely hate having my finger pricked. I like to think I have a very high tolerance for pain, but that right there drives me crazy. It’s like someone purposefully giving you a paper cut. Anyway, let’s just say I was due for a visit. After much harassment from my mother and husband I made the call.

I hate talking on the phone. It’s also one of my least favorite things to do. It’s not up there with having my finger pricked, but definitely in the top 25. The nurse answers and I explain what I need to do. You can almost hear the lack of shock in her voice when she says, “So, you haven’t been back in three years?” Let’s just say, I wasn’t known around the office as the most cooperative or calm pregnant person. I explain about my busy life and how I had always planned to, but never got around to it. I can feel her eyes through the phone. She asks me who I would like to see, and I say the name of the woman who I have seen since I was 19. A wonderful midwife who has talked me through the beginnings of becoming a woman, three pregnancies, one miscarriage, and countless other life milestones. “Ummmmmm……” is what I hear on the other end of the line. “I am sorry ma'am, but due to your age, you are no longer able to do your yearly visits with a midwife.”

Here is my first confession. I wanted to choke her. And I know this receptionist. We laugh and chat every time I begrudgingly fill out the paperwork and complain about peeing in the cup. I wanted to scream out, “I AM NOT OLD. And even if you believe that fact based on a number you see on my file, it’s not true.” I just sat there for a second while I internalized never seeing the woman who had talked me through so many huge events and decisions in my life. She was a calming voice, and at times, the voice of reason when I wasn’t so reasonable. It was like a kick to the gut. When I was finally able to respond, she gave me some options of female doctors I could see. (Real mom moment here—I don’t like male gynecologists. Let’s just say I had one during a pregnancy that tried to pull my esophagus out of my lady parts while checking my baby. Ever since then, I just decided that I would stick with the women.) I chose a name from the list of TWO (yeah, you heard that right—only two) women she offered. We made the appointment and I kind of deflated when I hung up the phone.

Poor Anthony took the brunt of my anger as I blamed him for making me call in the first place. I wasn’t seriously angry at him, but he took it like a champ. It’s probably the first time since I learned that I was no longer eligible to be a Disney princess at Disney World that someone told me I was too old.

Here’s confession two—I wanted to “accidentally” forget my appointment. The thought crossed my mind. Surely my midwife would make a house call right? She loved me more than any other patient. I am sure of it. As I watched Anthony rearrange his whole schedule to make my office visit possible, I realized the selfishness in this thought. He really did everything he could to make my visit as stress free on his end as he could.

Now, to make this visit even more awesome, about a week before, I took a dive off of a high ledge in Gainesville during a photo shoot. Okay, that’s dramatic. My weak right ankle (don’t you DARE think old) decided to be a drama queen and gave out. I was only on my second shoot of the morning so I don’t know why it was such a big deal. So not only was I going to this most hated visit, I was going as a gimp. I would look like the old person she had insisted I was over the phone. Yay. Not to mention the pain. Here they were going to prick my finger while my ankle was the size of a small cantaloupe. Greeatttt……

I hobbled into the office trying to make it without the crutches I had left in the car. I was determined that if I was going in gimpy, I was going to be on my own two feet. I walked in the office, signed the sign in sheet and chatted with the same receptionist. (She’s so nice ya’ll! She asked me about my business, how I was, etc. She was genuinely interested in what I had been up to the last three years.) I sat down looking at all the new moms with their hubbies excitedly talking about what they expected at this visit.

Confession three makes me seem so petty but here it is—I was jealous. In my mind, they were able to see a midwife and I wasn’t. In fact, they were probably going to see MY midwife. (At this point, I was probably delusional from the foot pain. I am praying that’s what it was.) I know most of you thought I would say I was so jealous because they were having a baby and starting that awesome journey. No! I am very happy with where I am currently! I seriously was jealous of the fact that my amazing midwife would be the one babying, I mean, examining them.

I was called back by my favorite nurse in the world. Poor woman has seen me in all kinds of situations and still had to see me at the baseball field like a normal person. I don’t know how she does it with a straight face. As I take the walk of death toward the finger prick I knew was inevitable, she says, “Jump up here and let me weigh you.” Ummmmm…….I looked down at the huge boot on my foot which I knew was probably keeping me upright at the moment. “Do you deduct the weight of the boot?”

Confession four—I was embarrassed about being weighed. I don’t know why. But the thought of her looking at my weight (the one person who knows what I actually weighed during every pregnancy) with the added boot weight was just horrific in my mind. She looked at me and said in jest, “Do you know how much it weighs?” I swallowed my pride and climbed up. As I watched the scale slide further over I just cringed. This just kept getting better and better.

It was then that she showed me to a room. WAIT!! She didn’t prick my finger! I don’t know if she forgot or if it’s not practice anymore, but there was no way I was bringing it up and I almost skipped to the room behind her. Okay, it was more of a hobble, but it was a peppy hobble.

She handed me the standard paper couture gown and as I rocked it, I sat on the table trying to figure out how my boot was going to fit in a stirrup. Then I started to look around. I saw the familiar posters of pregnant mothers showing the various stages. I saw pamphlets on different types of cancer and treatments. And then it hit me.

Confession five is the hardest of all. I was a horrible, horrible person. Here I was, sitting on this table waiting on a regular check-up, with regular every day problems. For the most part, I had been healthy for the three years I had so conveniently skipped my check-ups. So many women walked into that room, looked at those same posters, wore the paper gown and had much bigger problems than weight, a busted ankle or a pricked finger. They were wondering if their baby would have a heartbeat. They were trying to decide how to tell their family about a diagnosis that might change their lives forever. They were crying, feeling hurt, alone, and angry.

I felt terribly ungrateful. As I sat there on that table, I realized just how blessed I am. Sometimes, as humans, our lives get so complicated. We get overwhelmed and frustrated. Each one of us has moments in the valley where life just doesn’t seem to get any better. At this point, I was pretty low in the valley as I sat there on the table drowning in my “problems.” It took putting myself in someone else’s shoes to realize that the things I was allowing to eat at me weren’t as big as they seemed. I have been that person sitting in that room praying over and over, “Let them see something, let there be a heartbeat.” It’s ten million times worse than a bum ankle.

It also reminded me that I am called to see past my own life and circumstances, and comfort those around me. It was a God thing that the very next Sunday School lesson we sat through the following Sunday was about reaching out and comforting others. It’s more than just offering to pray or sending them a card, but actually being present in the lives of those who are hurting. It was on that table that I decided that I would be as present as possible when I knew of someone going through a struggle. Instead of offering to bring them food, actually doing it without asking. I would not only send a card, but make a follow-up call or visit. Instead of offering to keep their kids, come over and drag all their kiddos out to our car and to the park.

Some of our friends will never ask for our help. Even if they really, really need it, they will try to keep that need hidden because they don’t want to come across as weak. I am that person. Social media has become another place where women especially feel the need to keep up appearances. Most of you know, I try to keep it as real as possible on that end. But when I get in over my head, when I am really struggling, those are the times I am absent from social media. If I can’t post reality, I usually just shy away from it entirely. If you see a friend missing from social media, reach out. There is probably a reason.

In a world of me, me, me, it’s time we make a change. I believe our country is at a crossroads. One of the ways for us to get back on the right path is to think about others more than ourselves. We need to show love, even when we don’t feel so amazing or loved ourselves. Seeing beyond our own circumstances and realizing that we can make a difference in the lives of others is one of God’s gifts to us. We can be the change. And when we start moving beyond our own circumstances, other people around us will follow. So stop sitting on the table, get up and make a difference!

Why did we get married?

Yes, that's a real question that I asked my wife. We were out on a "date night" recently when I said it. It was sort of a rhetorical question. I wasn't mad at the time. We weren't arguing. I wasn't yelling in Outback Steakhouse when I said it, like we were in the middle of a screaming fight and I screamed, "Why did we even get married???" It was a simple question I was posing to hopefully spur some thought. 

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago next to my wife. I was looking at my cell phone (It's an Android phone if anyone is interested. I went to the dark side a while back, mainly due to the price. Jen thinks it's a piece of crap. It kind of is, but it was only $49. And then I saw Ashley the other day, one of Jen's and my former players/students, and she couldn't believe I didn't have an iPhone anymore.) I looked at Jen and she was either looking at her iPhone or reading a book. She does both in bed, so I can't remember this time. 

At the moment I felt very disconnected from her. It wasn't like we weren't getting along or things were going bad. It just seemed as if we really had not been on the same page for a little while. So when we went to dinner one night a few days later, I popped the question. "Why did we get married?" She wasn't really sure what I meant, so I had to explain myself.

I know there are stages in life. Especially when you have kids involved, there are going to be periods, stages, cycles in life, whatever you want to call them, when you just do not feel close or connected to your spouse. Kids have a tendency to dominate our lives, as we've discussed before in blogs and videos. But even if you don't have kids, other things can potentially get in between you and your spouse. It might be TV, work, phones, friends, whatever.

So I asked the question because I wanted us to remember what it was that caused us to get married. In fact, Jen has also recently said she felt like we were not in sync, or that we were distant. It is so easy to get focused on so many other things that we forget to remember to connect with each other. I never want us to get to a point where the children, who obviously mean so much to us, take up so much attention and drive the activity in our lives that we can't be just Jen and Ant sometimes.

Part of this stream of thought stemmed from the road trip we took. It caused me to reminisce about the times when we would go on little trips together. The last time we had been in Philadelphia prior to this summer, it was just Jen and me. The Westminster brats had gathered up a ton of Wendy's cups for us when Wendy's was doing a promotion to give a way free AirTran flights. I don't remember how many cups it took, but they collected enough cups out of trash cans and dumpsters and from strangers to get us two free round-trip tickets to Philadelphia. We went and had such a blast. It also turns out that Jen was pregnant with TJ at the time, even though we didn't know it. 

We had season passes to Six Flags for two years. We went on a camping trip to Charleston, in the middle of summer, in a tent, and we had a campfire and also enjoyed a time share presentation for $75 worth of free meals and attractions. All of it my idea. We chaperoned high school field trips to Boston and Chicago. We flew to L.A. to visit my brother and sister-in-law, and visited the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. We went to Chattanooga and Savannah. We went camping a bunch of other times. I don't know what else we did, but it was a lot of fun. 

I got a little side tracked just now thinking about all the trips we took. But what I really want to make sure is that we don't forget that we had so much fun, just the two of us. We loved each other's company and were goofy and spontaneous. It's not that we don't enjoy each other's company now, but it tends to be different. I have to be careful now not to talk all about the budget or money. She has to be careful not to always talk about plans for the kids. 

So when I popped the question, I just wanted her to think about it. Why did we get married? Let's don't lose sight that we were once just the two of us. We have added so many blessings to the picture that enrich our lives daily. However, without us, there is no them. Without our love, there is no future here. Let's remember it, and invest in it, and make an effort to be the "one couple" I like to joke about. Now and always. 

Jen, if you're reading...I love you, and you're the funnest person I know.

Camera Shy: Dodging Dads

It happens almost every time a mom calls, messages or e-mails me to book a family session. “My husband absolutely hates doing pictures!” It happens so much that I think I could count on one hand the number of clients who haven’t said it. Even my friends whose husbands I have known for quite awhile, will say the same thing the first time they book. Let’s be completely honest here friends. I live with four guys. I know exactly what you are talking about. The last thing they want to do is go sit in front of some person (sitting still no less) and smile like an idiot. Smiling too much hurts anyway, right?

What is a Dodging Dad you might ask? It’s the dad who can’t find time in his schedule to do photographs. The guy who not only shrinks away from the camera, but from even being within ten feet of one. I am pretty sure he even grimaces at the thought that security cameras follow his every move in every store he’s ever walked into—including Tractor Supply. Truthfully, it’s not because he is a bad person or wants to make his wife’s life a little harder, he just doesn’t like doing it. It’s not at the top of his list of favorite things to do. In fact, it might be at the top of his list of favorite things not to do.

How can you tell if you are one of these dads? I will give you a quick little quiz to determine if you fall into this category.

1)     Do you make scheduling a time for family photographs difficult? Whether it be a lack of flexibility in scheduling, to grumbling and complaining about the timing, the weather, the clothes?

2)     Do you look constipated in every shot during a photo session and creep away to the car at the first opportunity that it might look like your part is over?

3)     Do you watch your wife lug her camera around every vacation without offering to pick it up and shoot a few of her with the kids?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a Dodger. And no, not the cool kind that gets paid millions of dollars to throw around a ball in the great American pastime.

Let me be real with you guys. Women have the tendency to be hoarders. Not just like the crazy television show, but more emotional, memory hoarders. We save everything from used pregnancy tests confirming we are finally becoming parents, to a first lost tooth and a locket of hair from their first hair cut. We want to document every chubby cheek, every little toe, every sweet smile. It’s ingrained in us to be sentimental and for those things to be important to us. It’s who we are and these moments—those that include our families—are what we live for. That’s why, on every single holiday, vacation, and school program you see us lugging around a camera—be it cell phone or a complicated DSLR. It explains why we drive you a little crazy snapping pictures on the beach as you dig in the sand with the kids or spend half our time at a birthday party not socializing with guests, but shooting pictures of a little toddler with cake all over his hands. It is also the reason behind our tears when we flip through an album and realize that everyone is represented except for—you guessed it—mom.

It makes sense that it wouldn’t be as important to you because you are wired completely different. Sentimentality is not something you are as familiar with. While you look at your wife’s desire for photographic memories and see time and money gone, she looks at it as precious time she can never get back, no matter the cost. And keep in mind, there is one place where you both will feel the same. She’s just as uncomfortable and uncertain about being in front of a camera as you are. Of course she is smiling and excited about it, but behind it all she is worried about how these will turn out! Will the kids behave? Will she photograph well, or look as tired and worn down as she feels? Will the photographer be nice and understanding, or judgmental and critical? Also, did I mention she worries about whether or not her kids will behave??

“Oh no!,” you might be thinking. How can I give up my dodging tendencies and make this experience a little easier on all of us? I am so glad you asked! Here are a couple of ways to end your Dodging Dad status and become the supportive awesome dad we all know you are!

1)     Make an effort to be flexible when it comes to scheduling. I know it’s tough with work, but she has made the effort to make plans, it can’t hurt to be accommodating when it comes to scheduling.

2)     When she asks for your opinion on clothes or things to bring, give one! Even if you don’t care whether it’s jeans or khakis, be active in the decision making and offer some thoughts. Often times, she’s trying to coordinate the whole entire family’s wardrobe so a little input from you not only shows you are interested, but care about what she’s planning.

3)     Mentally prepare yourself to be pleasant at the session. Yes, you are going to be smiling. Most likely you will be kid wrangling. If you are shooting in August, you are going to be sweaty. No matter what obstacles you might face, prepare yourself ahead of time to stay positive. If you prepare ahead of time you are more likely to laugh, smile, and possibly even enjoy your time with your family.

4)     Don’t be afraid to show some PDA to your wife. Most likely, you haven’t had photographs of the two of you together since your wedding day (That’s the 2nd most thing I hear when people are scheduling!). Hug and kiss her, hold her hand, laugh and smile with her—look at her like the photographer isn’t even there. It’s okay. Every photographer is used to seeing people do this so it won’t be weird for them. Make memories for your kids to look back on and remember just how much their parents loved each other.

5)     Be proactive about picking up your wife’s camera—be it the cell phone or the complicated DSLR. If you are pretty uncomfortable in front of the camera, this is a great way to at least avoid it some (Don’t worry ladies! I will address your tendency to hide behind the camera in a later blog!). Take the time to grab some shots of her and the kids on vacation. Take a few of her holding her sweet little baby on Christmas morning. Want to really jump out of the Dodger category? Take a few of her with the kids without her knowing! It will be a little surprise for her on her cell phone!

I know what I am asking you to do is tough. Asking you to step out of your comfort zone is a big deal. Just consider for a moment how much easier the experience would be for all of you if you were completely on board and supportive of your wife in this. If you are still struggling with the idea of doing the five action steps above, just think about your wife and all she does for your family. Think about all the planning, child-rearing, working, and loving she does every day. Stepping out of your comfort zone once a year for a family photo session seems so small in terms of what she does for you 365 days a year. And, if you want to laugh and not have to fake some smiles, consider hiring me. At least 80% of the dads I work with actually say to me before they leave, “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be!” I take this as a compliment and a challenge to make a family session as fun for dads as I do the kids! 

How we planned our family road trip

We took a family road trip last week. It was a long but rewarding journey with the five of us plus Jennifer's parents and grandmother. We drove about 2,400 miles and were in the car for over 53 hours. I'm not sure how many miles we walked or steps we took, but it was a lot. Somehow we still managed to gain weight! Our trip went from home to Philadelphia, to Boston, to New York, to Amish country, to Roanoke, to home.

I just wanted to highlight a few things we did to make the trip go as smoothly as possible.

Transportation

We rented a premium SUV from Enterprise. It was to be a Chevrolet Suburban or similar. I was hoping for a Suburban as I've always loved those vehicles since I was a kid and was looking forward to driving one on an extended trip. We ended up instead with a Ford Expedition EL. 

We opted to purchase the damage waiver, which was $20 PER DAY. That's a lot, I know, but I'll explain why we did it. First, we were planning to drive through a few big cities. Drivers can be crazy and we thought the extra measure of protection would be prudent. I checked with our insurance company who confirmed that the coverage on our vehicles extends to the rental vehicle, for the most part. However, if we got in an accident that could have an impact on our premiums in the future. Further, if the vehicle was damaged the rental company could charge us for "lost wages" of sorts related to the time the vehicle was out of commission. I also checked to see if the credit card we rented with provided coverage for rental cars. The only card we have is an American Express, and THEY DO cover rental cars. However, there are some exclusions, and one of them happens to be full-size SUVs! So that wasn't going to help. It turned out we didn't need the damage waiver, but I still think it was a wise decision for peace of mind.

The Expedition EL was a terrific road trip vehicle. It was so comfortable the entire ride with plenty of room for all eight passengers. You know how usually on a long drive you feel the need to adjust your seating position since your, ummm, upper leg might fall asleep or your legs are uncomfortable? I can't speak for everyone else, but I never felt the need to re-position at all the entire trip while driving. Now that is comfort. We also had enough room behind the third row to keep the luggage packed such that the driver could still see out the back window mostly. That's pretty good! 

Gas was about $2 per gallon during our trip, so we caught a break there. The vehicle averaged 18 miles per gallon including highway and a lot of sitting in city traffic. On a side note, just know if you travel up north in and out of cities you will pay tolls, and you will pay a lot. We spent over $100 in tolls during the trip. For your reference, you can purchase an EZ Pass transponder that works for any of the states in the Northeast pretty much. It starts in North Carolina and covers almost every state through Maine. This Delaware site has a good map. You DO have to load it with plenty of money online, however. But, if you forget or don't have enough, it's okay. They'll bill you.

In the cities, we took very little public transportation. We did do a lot of walking, but public transportation wasn't a good option for us with a larger family group including people who weren't used to it. We did take a ferry into Boston, and we rode the ferry from Staten Island to Manhattan. Philadelphia has a great option called Phlash that allows unlimited rides for a day for $5 per person. Kids four and under and senior citizens ride for free. We also bought an all access pass in Boston that included a trolley we could hop on and off. That was a great idea in our case and worked out well.

Lodging

With eight people in our group, we figured it would be a challenge to get book one room to house all of us. You may think we are crazy for even wanting to room together, but we had our reasons. One of the reasons is that our kids love their grandparents and like to hang out with them. Rooming together would allow that along with easy communication. I actually found a great site that is designed for finding hotels for large groups or families. It is www.sixsuitcasetravel.com. The site allows you to enter a city and a mile radius. Then it displays the hotels and indicates how many people it can hold. This made it easy for me to find hotels that had suites holding up to eight people. The first two nights we stayed in Mount Laurel, NJ, in a Staybridge Suites. I have nothing but good things to say. This was basically a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment including a kitchen and living room. One bedroom has two double beds and the other a queen. There was also a pull-out couch bed. 

The second leg of the trip we stayed three nights near Boston in an apartment booked on www.airbnb.com. This was our first time using Aibnb, and it was a terrific experience. I think you just need to be careful to look at the reviews and ask plenty of questions if the descriptions or photos do not provide a clear explanation of something you are concerned about. The key is to make sure it is exactly what you are looking for and think it is. There are other options for this type of rental, of course, but this one worked out well for us.

The last couple of nights were in a Best Western Plus resort and in a Hampton Inn. Both were nice stays, and the former had an eight person suite.

Attractions

In Philadelphia, a lot of the things we wanted to see and visit were free. We visited a lot of the historical sites as well as the US Mint and the "Rocky steps." On the way to Boston we stopped in at Lexington and Concord, which was a free experience. We got rained and hailed on, but it was fun. For Boston we purchased a two-day Go Card All-Inclusive pass which proved to be a great investment. Among the attractions we visited/enjoyed were the New England Aquarium, a hop on and off trolley ride, a tour of Fenway Park, the Skywalk Observatory, the Paul Revere house, and the JFK Library and Presidential Museum. If you click the link you can see the prices for those attractions individually and the cost of the pass, but we saved a good deal of money on each pass. I think if you are exploring a city you don't know much about, one of these passes is a great idea. 

In New York, we really had just planned to park on Staten Island and ride the ferry over and then hop back on and come back. We did do that, but I couldn't pass by the city and not at least see some of it. None of us had ever been to New York. So I plotted some points in my Google Maps app to guide us through the city. We drove to and beside and through Central Park (by way of East Harlem), Broadway, Times Square, the Empire State Building, One World Trade Center, and on to Staten Island. It wasn't the best way to experience the city, obviously, but we saw a lot of things we had never seen in a relatively tight time frame. I think it worked out great. On a side note, I can say I've driven in a full-size SUV in Philadelphia, Boston, and New York City. It really wasn't bad, although many advised me against it. Just don't hit pedestrians and you'll be fine.

Food

When you have a large group on a vacation, it's nice to try to make some meals instead of eating out every time, but due to our schedule we didn't really have that luxury. One of the problems with eating out at restaurants is that it can be expensive. Another problem, and this is the big one, and don't act like it's not an issue for your family, is that it's often a challenge to decide where to eat to make sure everyone is happy. I had done a little research in advance but had not planned the specific places to eat. What I did determine to do, however, was to just be decisive in picking a place. I knew that would be the best even if it wasn't completely satisfying for everyone. In the end, the thing I thought might cause the most conflict ended up going very smoothly. So, my advice here is, just make a decision and run with it. Everyone will be okay in the end.

We did eat at some yummy local places (Sonny's Famous Steaks in Philly and La Famiglia Gorgio's in North Boston), but we didn't always eat at local places. I would suggest not stressing about where you eat. Yes, it's great to enjoy the local flavors. But if the first night after a really long drive there is an On the Border restaurant near the hotel, go for it.

Planning

Jen called me a nerd and said we would never follow it and that she didn't want to be tied down to a schedule, but, yes, I made an itinerary. It was just a draft, but I thought we needed something to at least guide us each day. It included addresses and websites for some things. In the end, we actually did use it every day and somewhat stuck to it. It was very helpful to have to refer to and eliminated most of the stress of planning the next day. The only things we had to figure out was parking a couple of times. It took a lot of time to put it all together, but it was worth it.

The trip wasn't perfect, but it was fun and created a lot of memories and photos we'll look back on fondly. Hopefully if you plan a family road trip anytime soon this will give you some tips to make it the hap-hap-happiest family road trip ever!

On friendship

Many years ago, I remember my mom and dad sitting me down and talking to me about choosing friends. They thought it was such an important topic that we actually had multiple discussions about it. They often explained why I wouldn't be able to go with certain friends, or why sometimes it was best to walk away from other friends. At the time, the information was more irritating and frustrating for me than anything.

Thennnnn....I got older. I realize now that the friends I keep not only say a lot about me, but encourage me to stay on the right path. Anthony and I were falling madly in love again on a date at the BBQ Shack awhile back, (Well, let's be honest, I was falling in love with my very tasty chicken and stew) and started talking about personal friends of ours that had come to us for advice, to vent, or to help find a solution to a problem. We also talked about looking to our friends for advice for ourselves or to help us think through an issue.

It was at that moment that it really hit home for me--my parents were totally right. I mean, I saw it when I was a kid, but I think the irritation I had about it blinded me to the real truth of it all. What kid wants their parents to give them advice about friends, right?
    
People, let's be honest. If a friend of ours comes to us complaining about their husband or wife, we often commiserate right? "Oh yeah! My husband is a total butt too! I mean just the other day he......."
Even worse, we might start talking about how awful the person they are talking about is--and in that moment, we become the kind of friend my parents warned me about so many years ago.
    
Of course, at this point you are probably wondering what kind of hoodlums my parents were warning me against. First, they warned me against people who would tempt me to jeopardize my stance as a Christian. That was always first and foremost. Anyone who would lead me away from Christ was not someone I wanted to hang with regularly. They also warned about the dramatic friends. Ladies, you know these folks. They are the ones that encourage the gossip and the back stabbing. The ones who still get that high off the middle school drama and live each new day for something--more like someone--to destroy. The third type were the "Beat-you-down-so-I-feel-better" friends. Men and women are both culprits in this. "My job is just so awesome and you know you wish you could be me." "My kids are just angels in the grocery store! I don't think I have ever had to peel even one of them from the toy or candy aisle. They would NEVER behave so savagely." There were many others, but these were some of the most prevalent at the stage of life I was in at the time.
    
As Anthony and I discussed some good advice he had given his friend, I thought to myself, "What would have happened had he encouraged him in a more negative direction?" How many times has a friend of mine come to me and vented about their husband, kids, and/or friends and I have just jumped right in and either bashed them or someone close to me? This made me reevaluate what kind of friend I truly am to others.
    
As women, I think we tend to fall into this trap a little more than men. Probably because our conversations are more in-depth and longer than men. That is to say we blab way more than they do. Plus, sometimes I feel like I have to relate to the person talking to me so I might go into a similar story to show they are not alone. But how often does that come across as total validation to the point that their husband really is a total doofus? Let's get one thing straight. My husband makes mistakes, but one thing he is not is a doofus. He never needs to be portrayed that way to others, nor does anyone else I tend to share about to friends. My intention never was to make him out that way either, but looking back, I wonder if it made others feel that way.
    
I want to be more like my husband in the way he gives advice to his friends. He is kind. He comes across as understanding without sharing stories about how I mess up. All of his advice lines up with the Word of God and is backed by that truth. I will totally be upfront with you right here. A lot of times, my advice lines up with what I have experienced. That's not always a bad thing, but it's not always the best way. God's ways are often not my ways, so making sure my advice lines up with His truth lines up with that first thing my parents warned me about. I will be a friend who does not jeopardize someone's walk with Christ or their knowledge of the truth.
   
One thing I can't stand in my life is drama. In school, you have many dramatic times. (Thank you hormones and boys!) You also have many dramatic friends. There are always secrets to be had and lies to spread. It drove me crazy then and it does today. For some people though, the need for drama is like their need for oxygen. They can't live without it, and if they aren't part of some, they will go out actively looking for it in order to get their fill for the day. Even though I hate it, there are still some moments I get caught up in it. Even men can fall prey to the drama predator. I have seen men get involved in petty schemes just to get ahead. I will be a friend who doesn't add to the overwhelming drama of this world. I will be your drama free zone.
    
The easiest thing in the world to be is a bully. Believe me, I know this one to be very true. Even the nicest person in the world can revert to bully-ish tendencies without a thought. Think about bullies. What are they doing? They are tearing others down to make themselves feel better. It gives them satisfaction. I think most people reading this would not call themselves a bully. But have you ever had that moment where, maybe not even on purpose, you said words that put your friend down, but lifted you up? I will admit, I have done it. Maybe I was having a not-so-good day and they just happened to be there. I honestly believe that we all have a bully inside us, ready to rear its ugly head when given the chance. Some of us just let that bully out more than others. I also think that there are people who let the bully loose and don't even realize what they are doing. For instance, someone very close to me had a very good friend who spent the majority of their time together talking about how great their life was and went on and on about their life. The other person, hardly got to share anything in the conversation. When they did try to share, the "conversation bully" as I like to call them, would turn the conversation back to them and how their story was better. I witnessed this once when they invited me to dinner with them. I was blown away and thought to myself, am I always trying to one-up my friends or do I really listen? Am I putting them down to lift myself up? I didn't like the answer that I came up with. I will be friend who isn't a bully, even unconsciously. I will be a friend who truly listens and builds you up even when my day may be the worst. I will not be a "one-upper."
    
What kind of friend are you? Would people even call you a friend? Do you even get the opportunities to make these kind of promises? When I asked myself these questions, I realized I wasn't even giving myself many opportunities to be a friend, much less be a good one. So here's my manifesto--I will make time to be a friend. In that time I will be a good one. I will be a friend that doesn't ask you to compromise your walk with our Father or I will do my best to lead you to him. I will be your drama and judgment free space where you can come and be yourself. I will not be a one upping bully who puts her needs before yours. I will be a friend your parents would encourage you to choose.
   
Now go check out our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/happinessandhavocblog/. Leave a comment telling us what you look for in a friend? What kind of friends do you warn your kids against? What's your advice on how to be a good friend?

Two words were my downfall (okay...maybe it was more than that)

Let me set the stage. Monday early afternoon (Memorial Day so I was off work), Day 4 of Jen's birthday weekend extravaganza celebration (also known as Jenapalooza). I was doing the dishes, the boys were upstairs cleaning their rooms to get ready for a friend coming over the next day, and Jen was somewhere in the house doing something (I don't know what). Jen comes to me with car keys in hand and says, "I'm going to town." I said, "Going to town? What do you mean 'Going to town'?" "What I said, going to town." "What does that mean? Going to town to do what?" "I don't know I'm just going to go to town and go around and do stuff." "What town, around here?" "I don't know." "Well, do you want us to go with you or do you want to go alone?" "Whatever it doesn't matter." "Okay well I was just going to clean for now and I know the boys need to finish cleaning their rooms." "Okay well I'm going to go so I can get out of the house. I'm not going to spend all day sitting around here." "Well do you want us to come with you or not?" "It doesn't matter, but I am going." "Okay, go ahead and I will have to stay and monitor the boys." "Fine, I'm not going."

There was more to it after that, mostly after Jen sat on the couch me "encouraging" her to get out of the house. I don't think I got the quotes verbatim, but it's pretty close and gives you the idea. Do you see where I messed up? It was one word. Maybe two. "...have to..." I think things would have ended better if I had just omitted those two words. Maybe not, though. Jen says my tone stinks. My mom always said that too. So even when I don't say the wrong thing I usually say it the wrong way. I tell Jen to just think the *best* of me, that no matter my tone my intentions were good and I have her best interest in mind. Besides, I'm monotone! I can't help it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Was that an appropriate use of a thousand exclamation points, ladies?)

Let me explain my thought process here from the beginning. Jen does not like to be alone. She doesn't like to go places alone. One might think that since she is around the three boys all day most days that she would want to leave the house by herself occasionally. That's not the case. She does not like to be alone. Sometimes I try to get her just to go drive around or go to Walmart or whatever store on her own. She doesn't like to do that. She likes to be around people (except for when she doesn't).

So when she came to me saying she was leaving to "go to town," I couldn't believe that she actually wanted to leave by herself. I would have been perfectly fine with that, of course. But I kept prying and pushing because I assumed she didn't really want to go alone. So I was trying to figure out what she really wanted in this case, because she was not just coming out and telling me.

Normally I would have just told the boys to get ready because we were gonna head out. But in this case, I knew they needed to finish cleaning their rooms so the friend could come over. So I felt obligated to make sure they did that. So there was part of the struggle, trying to decide which thing was more important at that time, making sure the boys finished with their rooms or making sure my wife's wants or needs were fulfilled.

Another part of my thought process, to be honest, was trying to figure out why in the world she wanted to leave the house. We had been out with friends and had a great time on Friday for dinner and the escape experience. Saturday was lunch with the family at Bar-b-que Shack in Toccoa and then she went shopping for a while in Commerce. Sunday was church and then Moe’s for dinner and some shopping. Here we were on Monday, me thinking we had enjoyed a full weekend and ready to wind down for the week ahead.

The problem was this. Jen had taken the weekend off from work. In case you don't know, she works pretty much every day. If she doesn't have one or more shoots scheduled in a day, she is editing and doing other necessary things for the business. Most days she is doing both. She has sessions almost every Saturday and most Sundays. She works all the time, and she works very hard. But when she takes a weekend off of work, she doesn't want to sit around and relax. She is not an introvert. She wants to be out doing things, seeing people, enjoying life, experiencing things. It's the same thing on vacation. We can relax when we're dead. She wants to be out doing things. And I have really come to appreciate that about her.

So one thing that I finally have learned after this weekend's experience is that if she has scheduled a weekend to not work, by golly I better have that weekend jam packed full of stuff to do. And next time I will try my darndest.

Actually we talked a few minutes after our discussion and after I tried to encourage (really force) her to leave the house. I came to her and explained that I was pushing and pushing because I really was trying to understand what her wishes were at that moment. Did she really want to leave alone? Did she want to get away from the rest of us? Did she want us all to go? I explained how I couldn't believe she actually wanted to go by herself because of how she doesn't like to be alone. Then, I really messed up in the way I said the last sentence. I explained to her that what I really meant was that it was okay that she was going, but I was trying to convey that I could not go because I needed to monitor the boys and make sure they were doing what they needed to be doing.

From her perspective, I kept pushing and pushing, and the last sentence was the last straw. She further explained that she has to be home ALL THE TIME. She wanted that weekend to be a time where she didn't have to sit in the house. She truly just wanted to get out of the house. And now I understand that better.

In the end we decided to load up the car and drive down to Sams Club, which closed at 6 after we arrived at 5:55. Then we went to Goodwill where we found a really nice dresser for $60. We're not sure yet what we're going to do with it, but it was a good deal we thought. And we went to eat at Little Italy. So that was our third day out of four driving to Gainesville or further south. It turned out okay.

As I mentioned, I learned a couple of lessons (again). One or two words, or my tone, can make all the difference in what I mean to say and what Jen hears me say (with her pink ears). I also learned that when Jen has a weekend without work she wants to do stuff outside the house, no matter what the other circumstances. I think I also learned instead of asking a bunch of the same questions different ways it's probably better for me to get straight to the point and say what's going on in my mind so that she can help me understand. One thing I know is that she wants me to speak up more, even if it's going to make her mad. What so cool is I was able to make her mad in this case without even speaking up. Now that takes talent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She gets it from her momma

I always think it is amazing when Mother's Day or Father's Day comes around and suddenly, social media is lit up with positive, uplifting posts about parents. It makes me smile to see the old photos, the heartwarming stories, and the love that is just pouring out of folks. Typically, social media is crushed with negativity and scapegoating.

As for me, I kind of fell silent this Mother's Day on social media. I wanted to soak in everything that was being said about parents. I wasn't mad at my mom, mother-in-law, grandma or aunt. I don't love them any less that day just because I enjoyed everyone's posts and waited to write something up of my own. (But you would be surprised how many people notice you didn't write something. Maybe I post too much! HAHA) However, I can't let the time pass without sharing with you about the woman who made me who I am.

I'll be totally straight up with you. I may have been a good kid growing up, but I know for my mom, I wasn't the easiest daughter to raise. Probably from day one, my mom and I were different from each other. I can almost guarantee you, I wasn't the little girl she probably had dreamed about having from the time she discovered she wanted to be a mom. I was rough, tumble, and loud. (I'm pretty much still all those things.) I didn't like dresses, having my hair fixed, or being without my basketball. Now, that's not to say I didn't like girl things. I carried around a Cabbage Patch doll, and I had some barbies and a few My Little Ponies that ran around with Rainbow Brite. Yet, I was drawn to GI Joes, Thundercats, and Voltron. I can only imagine what she thought as she watched my GI Joes riding around on pretty pink and white ponies with pictures on their rears.

As I got older, the difference in our personalities became more pronounced. However, she immersed herself in my world--basketball. She went to games and learned to do the books and the score board. She has eaten thousands of concession stand dinners, chaperoned too many kids in hotel rooms (where she saw a dead cat under a bed--seriously, an awesome story for another time), and washed far too many sweaty pairs of socks and jerseys. Late nights, fast food meals, and long bus rides were her life from the time I was in 6th grade until I graduated from Piedmont.

How she dealt with a kid that was so different from who she was, is beyond me. Sometimes, as a parent, I talk to the boys and the difference in how we each think blows me away. Of course, it's to be expected because of the gender difference. One would think that with us being women, it would be more similar. It wasn't. I am sure she thought I was insane not just because of my interests, but in the way that I thought.

You see, my mom is an awesome woman. She always dresses nice, wears make-up, fixes her hair and is sweet to everyone. I rarely dress like anything other than a hobo. The closest I get to make-up is Chapstick. I haven't had a hair cut in probably two years. And sweet? Let's just say, I cherish the people who think that I am remotely anything like that. My mom has always cared what people think about her and I usually don't think twice about it. For the most part, my mom knows what to say to make people feel better. I have been told I am too critical. She invests in relationships and I struggle to keep them going. I felt like she always had a handle on my sister and I. She was the ultimate chaos coordinator. Me, on the other hand....I am just treading water every day.

I know she would never in a million years believe this, but she really seemed to have it all together. Looking back over those years when she was dealing with me and my craziness as a teenager, I know I frustrated her to no end, but I felt like she dealt with it and then moved on. By the next day she was treating me like normal again. Here I have elementary age children and I feel like I drag the same feelings around for days. How did she do that?

In all honesty, my mom and I aren't as different as I would like to believe. We both love our children with every fiber of our beings. She is the one who taught me how to do that. She and I have sacrificed a lot for our kids. She gave up other career opportunities where she would have had a retirement account and insurance with a more impressive salary, to work at a Christian school with hardly any benefits except a discount on tuition (that was reduced practically each year). I learned everything I know about sacrifice from her and my dad. Her sacrifice was more obvious to me though because I saw it every day. I feel her pain now that I have experienced a similar type of sacrifice. Neither of us are super awesome housekeepers. I think we both live by the motto, "Spending time with our kids > than an organized home." We both love people. I can remember from a very young age watching my mom love on her friends. I always thought she was a great person to have on your side. She still is. While I am not the best at cultivating relationships with others, I do love people. I have always tried to do that through my careers through the years. We both get hangry. Never was a truer sentence written. Let's be honest ladies......there aren't many of us who don't get that way right? The similarities don't end there. We have the same horse hair that is so thick that you will die of heat exhaustion in the summer. We both love mushrooms and traveling. Neither of us like scary movies or change.

Honestly, everything you see about me that is good, came from being taught by her and my dad. She invested every ounce of herself into raising my sister and I. If you think highly of me at all, it is because of the prayers, tears, and emotional struggle that she went through every day. Thank you is not sufficient for her.

The neat thing though? She learned from her mom too. I get the benefit of learning from both of these women. I mean, how blessed is this girl? So many other women invested in my life in a positive way, aunts, great-aunts, great-grandmas, that when Mother's Day comes each year, I am reminded that I am also to be this for my kids, nieces, and nephews. They leave such a legacy and lead by example. Hopefully, one day, I will get to hear my kids say the same thing about me and I will simply tell them, "I get it from my momma!"

Happy Mother's Day from the Chief Chaos Coordinator of the Cox Crew!